Friends Want To Stay A Whole Month

Me Being Selfish  - Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
@maddysmommy (16232)
United States
August 2, 2007 3:22pm CST
I received a surprise call from my husbands best friends fiancee and she told me that her fiance has got a new job here in DC. How exciting I thought, that would mean they would be closer to us and we could possibly hang out now and then. After all the excitement she went onto ask me whether it would be ok if they stayed with us for a month until they find something of their own. He is taking up his new position in September which does not leave them much time to find something and make arrangements for their current place they are living in as well as other things. I was quite surprised that she asked me because I would of thought her fiancee would of asked my husband since they have known each other since they were 15 yrs of age. I didn't think it was a problem, however, I did think a month was a long time. Our apartment has two bedrooms but still it is not big enough to accommodate four and a half (my son) for that long of a period. I mean I don't mind them staying because if the shoe was on the other foot, then I'm sure they would be willing to help. Do you think I am being selfish by feeling like this? I honestly don't mind visitors when we have them, but for a whole month, it just seems soooo long for me. In terms of privacy, being able to do what we want when we want and not having to answer to anyone, you know? Does this mean I have to entertain for the whole month and would that mean we would be responsible for feeding them and paying the extras that will come up in our expenses the following month. What happens if they don't find a place within a month? She told me that they can't afford to move into a place right away because they don't have the means necessary yet to afford the deposit and such. I feel sooo selfish feeling like this and I know I shouldn't. I like my quiet times when its just me and my son when my hubby is at work. I like just going off and doing things when I want to without having to worry about anyone else. Maybe I should stop thinking about me for a change and think how much we would be helping them. I have had relatives stay with us as long as 3 weeks and boy by the third week we all had enough of each other LOL I hope it doesn't happen to us in this case. Its ok if you say I am being selfish because I feel that I am and since they are friends of my husbands then I should welcome them right? Right, I should. Thanks for letting me vent!
7 people like this
16 responses
@Zorrogirl (1503)
• South Africa
2 Aug 07
you are not selfish. i am exactly the same. the old saying, FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT, is very true. maybe you should try to make a big thing out of helping them find a place. like saying you always wanted to be a real estate agent or that you get excited about gardening and love to drive around and view other gardens as you dont have much space for one yourself.
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
2 Aug 07
I had to look that old saying up as I have never heard that before....it makes a lot of sense, and this is what I found what it meant - "The better we know people, the more likely we are to find fault with them." That is sooo true. When I got off the phone with her I was already looking in the craigs listings LOL and have sent a few links to her already. Still they won't have the deposit and such until he starts working at least a month or so. I will be talking with my husband tonight about it as I was told they will be calling to talk with him tonight about it. Its hard because he has been friends with my husband for at least 23 years and I know he will say yes regardless. We shall see. Thanks for responding zorrogirl!
2 people like this
@TerryZ (22082)
• United States
2 Aug 07
I would feel the same way as you. Your not being selfish at all. You dont really have the room to put them up for that long. It would be different if it was for overnight. And what if they dont find a place that soon? Then they would have to stay longer. You might want to rethink this one.
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
2 Aug 07
Thanks Terry. I will be talking it over with my husband when he gets home tonight. I feel for him because it is his long time friend from school and they have always been close. I suppose if it was just his friend then it wouldn't be much of an issue because he would be working the same time my husband goes to work but his fiance doesn't work so that would mean she will be home with me, when my son is at school. A couple of weeks ok, but a month, I'm not sure about that. We shall see and thanks for responding.
3 people like this
@Flight84 (3049)
• United States
2 Aug 07
No, you're not being selfish at all. I would feel the same way. A month is a very long time after you're used to it being just the three of you. I think I would probably go out of my mind. It would be fun for a while, but you're right, after a few weeks it gets old. You're not selfish though. You are opening up your home to them after all and you are doing out of the goodness of your heart. Don't feel bad, but do go through it wih a smile. Just keep thinking...it's only for a month.:)
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
3 Aug 07
But if she focuses on the fact that they said only a month and they end up staying one day over a month, she will snap.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
hahaha Rozie. I think I might snap after a week LOL I did like what you said though flight "Don't feel bad, but do go through it with a smile" When we took the step to move from Samoa to USA, my husband came ahead and set up home for us. Then my son and I followed. That is how I have done things. It took my husband 2-3 months to come up with a deposit and first months rent and find an apartment for the three of us. That is what I am afraid of that it may take them longer to come up with the finances to put themselves into an apartment. I get irritable easily when i overstay my welcome with family and friends and i don't want that to happen when we have company. I still have a few days to pray and think about it so i will take the time too since myhusband has left itup to me. Either way he doesn't mind because he will be working most of the time.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
4 Aug 07
I like the way your husband did it Maddysmommy. He went out alone and did the grunt work and then sent for you guys. I mean, I know that there is something to be said for struggling together, but the way your husband did it is so romantic to me.
1 person likes this
3 Aug 07
Oh, this is going to be hard for you. Personally, I feel I can cope with someone for a couple of days but after that I just want to be back to my old routine and slob and do what I always do without being on my best behaviour. Feeling like this is not being selfish, in fact you are just being realistic and can see it is going to be hard. Living in a 2 bedroom apartment with a child is not ideal for guests and not really fair on your son. Its funny how your husbands friend did not ask, maybe he was against it but she has talked him round to it so she was the one to ask (I do have a suspicious mind!)It is definately alot to take on especially as she is telling you they do not have the money for a down payment. You should have a big chat with your husband and agree that it can only be for a month. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but if someone can ask such a big favour, you don't really know how far they will go. Knowing someone and living with them is two different things. I am not so sure I would be so accomadating maddysmommy, and this isn't out of being selfish. You have everyright to vent your feelings. I wish you all the best and that everything works out well. You are a very kind person for doing this and I hope that they will return the favour if ever needed. You will have to keep us posted here how everything goes. Good luck:0)
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
I must have a suspicious mind because I was thinking the same thing. I suppose you can say I am easily persuaded when it comes to certain things, and maybe she called to see how I would react first. I think he was thinking that if he called my husband, he would just say YES, but my husband told him that he needed to talk with me first about it. I think he may have been surprised by that response. They have stayed with us twice before and at most for 4 days and it was ok. 4 days is manageable. You know, we use to chat and say wouldn't it be nice if they stayed near us so we can get together now and then!! well, I think I spoke too soon LOL I do get along with them both and my husband and his friend will be working the whole time and it just means she will be home with me, as my son starts school in September. I was sooo looking foward to a break but now it may have to wait LOL A month does go by fast, I mean my husband has just arrived back from Africa and he was away for six weeks, and we are just getting back to family bonding again and in a little over 3 weeks, they are supposedly coming down. They want to store their things in our storage unit (which is not very big and ours is half full) and then the car space we have will accomodate their car which is ok for now because we don't have one but my husband has an appointment with a car dealer on Saturday and we may have one before they come, then where will their car go? I'm just skeptical one thing is going to lead to another and before you know it 2 months or even 3 goes by. It took at most 2-3 months for my husband to find our apartment and come up with the deposit and first months rent. Then my son and I came to the USA. I will have to make sure I am on their case about finding an apartment AND not to be too picky about it either LOL Places around here are NOT cheap. Anyways sorry for blabbing on, I still have some time to decide before I let my husband know. I have a plumbing problem with our hot water and our front door locks are being fixed today. Thanks for listening and commenting ItTakesAllSorts
4 Aug 07
Thanks for responding it was a funny and sympathetic read:0). When your son starts school you will have to get her out apartment hunting straightaway. I suggest you buy an enormous calender and put it in pride of place and everyday mark a big red X....counting down the month.LOL I wish you luck and hope it doesn't turn to 2/3 months!!
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
5 Aug 07
You know that is a good idea - I do have a spare calendar or else i can print the month of September out for her to use - house hunting, good idea we can do that together LOL
@patgalca (16476)
• Orangeville, Ontario
2 Aug 07
I do NOT think you are being selfish. You have every right to feel that way. I would feel the same way. I am also speaking from experience. During my first marriage, a guy at my EX's work needed a place to stay during the week as he lived quite far away, too far to commute. So we took this guy in. I don't remember having to feed him or anything, I just remember losing time with my husband because he kept going out to the bar with this guy. A huge fight erupted wherein my EX through his dinner plate with food on it smashing to the floor. I was complaining that he wasn't home for dinner as usual because he and this guy went out to the bar after work. I would hope that these people would chip in and help out with food expenses as well as meal preparation. If the guy has a new job where you live, what is the girl going to be doing? She doesn't have a job there, does she? Will she be out looking for a job? If this were a married couple with children, the husband would move to the new city and go home on weekends until he found a place for his family to move into. I don't know why it isn't the same with unmarried couples. I know it is hard to say no to friends. You have a kind heart for doing this and because of that kind heart you can't say no. I just hope these people don't take advantage of you. On the other hand, you have a son and they may not enjoy the living arrangements and find themselves in a hurry to find their own place. Let's hope that is the case. Good luck!
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
2 Aug 07
Oh my gosh, sorry to hear about that Pat. I would of been upset too if my husband took off everyday for a drink or to play golf. See another thing that might happen in the weekends because my husband and his friend both play golf casually. They are not married and even though he will be working, she will be at home with me, not looking for a job either as far as I know. She is also looking at getting into nursing school so at least for the first month when they arrive in DC, she won't be working. I would expect they would pay something when he gets his first pay packet I would think. I can handle family for a couple of weeks, but after that I need my space, and want to be on my own home with just my husband and son and thats it. I am not going to be able to do that when they are here for however long. I just got a call from my husband now saying that they called him at work GRR after I told her to call home later on tonight. He said we will talk tonight so we shall see. It is going to be hard to say No on his part because they have been friends for 23 years. Thanks Pat.
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
3 Aug 07
I agree with you on the part about being married. I would not want an unmarried couple living under my roof, let alone with my son in the house. Call me old fashioned(because I am) but I agree that she should stay somewhere else. Your husband has known the friend for all those years, but you don't know what kind of woman he is marrying. She might start trying to run your house and tell you how to raise your son. With just the man, he will be gone all day to work. He needs to come and work to make a home for he and her, marry her and then they live together, they are doing things backwards and putting you in the mix. What if they decide to carry on in your house and your son finds out about it. He is five years old, not three. I would set down some very strict rules. By the time I got finished, they would be glad to go somewhere else. What if he loses this job, what will they do then. These people will be living with you. You should draw up a contract or something. How is he engaged with no job anyway. When he gets paid, he is going to want to buy things to make her happy. Not only that, they are going to want to save for the apartment. If they have to pay for things like rent and utilities and groceries, it will take longer to save. I have the perfect solution. Change your number, keep it unlisted and consider yourself well rid of them, hehehe, just kidding.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
haha Rozie you are funny. I have met her several times and they have stayed with us before. Her and I actually get on really well, it's just me, I don't get on well with others after a couple of weeks being in the same house. When I get irritated I get unhappy, and then my husband feels it and so does my son. I have always been like this when I have stayed with family. I don't like to overstay my welcome so at most when I travel home its usually a 2-3 weeks travel but I stay with my parents, my sister and then my brothers. So I don't stay with one person throughout the whole trip, because I get irritable. I know they will not misbehave as such because they were quite good the last time they did stay with us was for 4-5 days. But from one week to a month is a big different. Like Pat said they may get sick of being in the same house with us and my son so that might prompt them to get a place early. My husband has left it up to me and i took your advice, i am praying about it and hopefully this weekend i will know what to do. My husband told me that it is completely up to me, this is my home but he did want me to take into consideration, that they need our help, they are starting out afresh in a new county and if we were in their shoes, then i'm sure they would do the same for us. Which I can understand why he said it but its not how I would of dealt with it, because when we moved here, my husband came first, and set up home here, then me and my son followed. That is how we have always done things when we moved two countries. I don't like to rely on others for help, especially family. Anyways I have a plumbing problem with our hot water and our front door locks need fixing. Thank you both for posting your comments.
@worldwise1 (14887)
• United States
3 Aug 07
Your thinking is right on target, maddysmommy. This is something that you should only consider doing for the very best of friends. Besides, you said it yourself, you don't really have the room to spare-especially for a whole month. If it were me I would advise her that it might be better if her fiancee cam alone to start his job, and he could be scouting out living arrangements(with your help) so things would be all ready for her to come and move into her own place later. Believe me, you would all be getting on one another's nerves before the month was up.
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
Yes that is what I am afraid of worldwise. I get irritable easily especially if i overstay my welcome with family and friends and I just don't want that to happen with us. I do feel for them though because they don't have anywhere else to go but to ask us. My husband was thinking along the same lines with his friend coming first and then she follows but he is not sure whether to say that because they both have stayed twice with us before, for at most 4 days so asking him to come and then telling her to wait might not work in this case. I would feel most uncomfortable for sure if this was to happen. I don't want her resenting me or us because we suggested this. I even asked my husband if we can help out with the deposit and he flatly said NO. I still have time to think about it and boy it's not an easy decision to make.
@mummymo (23707)
2 Aug 07
I don't think you are being selfish honey - I think you are worried about losing your privacy for such a long time that is all! Who knows it may be fun but I know I would worry if someone wanted to stay that long! I know that you will most likely say yes and I think it will be fun but you should really set out some sort of house rules so that can make life a bit easier! Good Luck honey! xxx
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
House rules, thats a good idea mummymo. I have not made a decision yet even after I talked it over with my husband last night. It does not bother him either way because if I am happy, then the whole household is happy, as he puts it. I do have some time to think about it so I will. September is not too far away!!!
@Daelin (683)
• Brazil
3 Aug 07
Visitors are like fish. After a few days they began to smell. One thing is to host friends for a few days, after a while the problems begin. I really think you are in trouble.
2 people like this
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
2 Aug 07
A month is a long time. I think I would tell them that you just don't have enough room. I couldn't deal with guests for a whole month.
2 people like this
@whyaskq (7529)
• Singapore
3 Aug 07
Perhaps it was your husband who ask him to ask you? :P I do not think it is selfish of you to think otherwise about accomodating them. In my opinion, your concerns are valid but people may appreciate the same. It is true that with another couple in the house, there is less privacy. However, I see you have 2 rooms and it is not too nice to reject them as your kid is still young. What about letting your kid sleep with you for a month and 'rent' them the other room. They could pay a token sum for the electricity and utilites bill. They can lock themselves in their room while your family confine yourselves to the other room. I would think it is a win-win for both of you. Let them know of your arrangement that you are accomodating them for a month and I guess they will try to find a home in a month's time. lol.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
well you might have a point there whyaskq LOL maybe he did ask them to but I doubt that LOL I still haven't decided but I am leaning towards helping them. I have prayed about it and feel that is the way we should go. lets just hope a month means a month and not 2 or 3 LOL
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
3 Aug 07
A month is a very long time for even the closest of friends. I would be very uncomfortable with it also. I do think I would go along with it for my husband's sake and out of respect for his friendship. I would just pray that these people are not the types to take advantage and maybe they will have found their own place before the month is up. I would keep reminding myself, " this is just one month out of the whole rest of my life...just one month." It seems like a long time, but it really is not. If all goes well, you will be glad that you helped them in thier time of need.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
I really appreciate your comment sid556. It is only for a month and after reading your comment I do feel less bad about the way I am feeling. I keep asking myself what if it was my family? would I hesitate? probably not because I know them too well and they probably wouldn't ask me anyways. Thanks again my friend, I do feel a little better.
3 Aug 07
I don't think your being selfish and just think if it was you in their position, moving to a place where you didn't know very many people except for them. I'm sure they would be willing to help you if it was the other way round, like you already said. It might seem a bit odd that she asked you rather than her future husband asking yours but at least she's making the effort and chatting to you. A month might seem along time but it normally flies by anyway and if you get on then what's the problem? I'm sure there'll be willing to help out round the house or pay their way whilst they stay. :)
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
Thank you beautiful_nightmare for your response. I left it till last to answer because I am almost certain that we will help them out. It is only for a month and we should help friends out when in need, as I'm sure they would do the same for us if we needed anything. Your right they are moving to a new county even though they have lived in USA for years and we have only been here a year, since moving from Samoa. I am just a little concerned that 1 month might turn into 2-3 months as that is how long it took my husband to find a place, come up with the deposit and first months rent, before my son and I flew to USA. They told my husband that they were willing to help with the food and expenses and that they may need to put their things in our storage unit, which at the moment is half full and it is not big enough to accommodate lots of furniture. I know how hard it is to start out because we did twice, moving from New Zealand to Samoa, then to USA. We did it all on our own even though we had family around. I just don't like asking family and friends for help and prefer to do things on our own. But that is just me. Maybe they need a supporting hand before heading out on their own. ANyways sorry for the novel, and I do appreciate your comments :)
• Malaysia
3 Aug 07
You are not being selfish at all. Please don't let them into your house for a month. Even though he is your husband's best friend and fiance, they will bring problems to you. They surely will have a different way of organizing themselves, and ways of moving around. Their behavior is totally new to you, and you may not feel comfortable adjusting to their habits. Some things which are natural to them may disgust you, and the other way around. So I suggest that you DON'T let them stay with you. They only said for one month, but I am sure they are just sweet talking about it. I have a feeling they will live more than a month. Furthermore, you will have to spend extra on food, and everthing! I have experienced this before, where my best friend (unemployed) stayed with me, he brought along her unemployed husband to stay unofficially at my house. At last I have to tell her to get out of my house. After that our relationship became sour and she never contacted me. I feel sad about it, but I didn't have any choice because they are giving me so much trouble and financially my husband and I can't afford to feed and shelter them 100% and they didn't even help in cleaning and stuff. So please, don't get yourself into trouble. You have to be harsh now, or else you may get hurt even more. If you refuse now, at least your husbands friendship can be saved. You have to rethink about this. Find a reason, whatever reason to avoid them from staying with you. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
Thank you ladysurvivor, it is really hard to even come up with an excuse. They have visited us twice before and stayed at most for 4 days. I would feel bad if we could not help them out this time round. I have prayed about it and do feel that it is right that we help them out. If the friendship gets sour during it all then we will wait until it comes to that point. In the meantime I need to be positive and set some ground rules like the others have stated above. As long as they konw where we stand then I'm praying that it will be all ok. I have not given my decision as my husband has given me all the time I need. I might have to make it sooner rather than later because September is just around the corner. Thanks again my friend and was sorry to hear about your situation with your friend. I pray that nothing like that happens to us!
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
3 Aug 07
Girl, let me tell you something, these people are asking for a lot. A month is a long time to impose on anyone, even family. You should have said no. You are not being honest with yourself and you are going to end up regretting it. You still have time to tell her that you don't mind if she stays, but you need for them to be willing to help out with the bills, including groceries. Forget about the fact that your husband has known him for so long, those are the ones that are more likely to take advatage of you. You have got to put your family first. If the shoe were on the other foot, they may not do the same thing. All I know is that "No good deed goes unpunished." I hate to sound so negative, but I do good deeds all the time and I have learned, that if I feel any resistance to the idea, that means that I am going to regret doing it. Sometimes, you have to decide which is more important, the favor or the friendship. And you should have told her that you felt that this was something that the men should discuss. I don't know, it is like you said, a month is a long. Also think about this, the consequences of doing something that you really did not feel good about could last a lot longer than a month. I believe that this is one for Jesus. You should pray about this one and let him guide you in what you should do. It is a good way to feel comfortable and confidant about the decision that you made.
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
I hear you Rozie and I know what you mean. You're not being negative because I had some of the same thoughts when I first got the call. Now that I have had a bit of time to think about it, and talk it over with my husband a bit more, I do feel like we should be helping, I mean that's what friends are for aren't they? I did pray about it last night and again this morning, I am feeling a whole lot better than I was yesterday when I wrote this discussion. I am feeling that in their time of need, they need us and we should be there to help them at least for the month anyway. I'm still going to sit on it a bit more and talk it over again with my husband tonight and then he can make the call. I need to be positive about this and I want to feel good and confident that if we do decide to, then I am in with a grin :):) THANK YOU MY FRIEND :):)
@tinamwhite (3255)
• United States
3 Aug 07
A month can feel like a long time...but since you seem to feel obligated to allow this...I would try to sit down with them and set up some basic "ground rules" for the convenience of all parties involved... I am like you in that I love to see my company come and GO...LOL It is sifficult to place more than one family under one roof...but if these folks are your hubby's best friend and fiancee then... would welcome them and bear it as best as possible.. I wish you luck, my friend....
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
3 Aug 07
Hi Tina, thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. I still have a few days to make up my mind and the good thing about this is that my husband has been really good about how I am feeling. He doesn't mind either way but to look outside the box, and what would happen if we were in their shoes etc. I know it won't happen that way because that is not how we do things as I don't like to rely on family or friends for help. BUT I can see his point. I was sooo looking foward to having a break because my son starts school in September and then I get some time to myself. That's why I thought I was being really selfish for thinking like this. I do get irritable easily when I overstay my welcome especially with friends and family and I don't want that to happen with us. I will keep praying about it though.
@squaretile (3832)
• Singapore
6 Aug 07
well, i don't think you're being selfish dear. You don't know them all that well (as opposed to if they were your sister and husband or parents etc), and we all value our privacy, which is why we are living in a separate apartment in the first place, as opposed to living inter-generationally, which can be much cheaper if our folks can spare the space. a month might not be very long, but it is substantial. and it all depends on how well you know them, and to a large extent, how much you love them to sacrifice certain things. seems like these are nice decent folks and your hubs has known him for a long time, so sounds like you can count on them not to take advantage of the situation. perhaps you can arrange for a discussion, to spell things out (e.g. sharing costs of food etc) just so that there are no misunderstandings later. I'm sure they wouldn't be offended, and would prefer to have certain things clarified as well. would make for a more pleasant experience all round in that one month. take care, and hope things work out great. they might stay out most of the time since they'd also want their couple time, so they might not intrude as much into your family life. :)