marriage

@rinkub (231)
India
August 3, 2007 10:04pm CST
Mine was a love-marriage and my husband was the perfect gentleman. He still is though with age he's getting a bit cranky. We love each other very much but my mother-in-law has done more than her bit in damaging our relationship. Right from day one she made it very clear that she didn't like me and that I was unwanted in her family. Each time I met her, she made life miserable for me. She would abuse me, humiliate me, continuously find faults and insult me about everything and anything. Right from my hair to the way I walked to how I talked. I wouldn't dare say anything to her as we are right from childhood conditioned not to answer back our elders. My father-in-law, witness to everything said nothing to her, although he was not mean to me and my husband made some feeble attempts at stopping her. But she is absolutely bold and dominating and no one really has the guts to stand up against her. Over a period of time, I just couldn't sustain it and I took out all my frustration on my husband. Things deteriorated and it seemed that between us there was just this one issue that kept cropping up and creating havoc. Today, my husband is far more angry with me than with her. I refuse to see his parents because not only am I scared but I don't want to repeat the trauma that I've gone through.I know she'll never change and I know my husband dislikes the fact that I don't visit them. Tell me friends, was I wrong in accosting and confronting my husband and damaging our relationship? Do you think my husband's approach to the whole thing was correct?
4 responses
• India
4 Aug 07
i understand what u mean.. i think u r right not to meet his parents.. but make sure u dotn stop him from meeting them... and also make sure that u dont talk abt it to ur husband any more,,, as he already knows the situation.. u can make ur relationship with ur hubby stronger by makeing it fun.. as in make ur life more intresting by doing things together.. if he is not very supportive then find something he likes and he will get intrested slowly..
@rinkub (231)
• India
5 Aug 07
Thank you very much. I try doing that all the time but husbands are difficult to please. At least mine is. No matter what I do its never adequate.
@crazed_moma (1054)
• United States
4 Aug 07
OYe that sounds like the kind of MIL I was afraid of getting. Dr. Phil would say that it's up to him to deal with his parents... Have you considered a counselor?
@rinkub (231)
• India
5 Aug 07
Yes, I have seen a counsellor and all she told me was how I should change my diet, become stronger etc. I wish someone would tell my husband that in his efforts to appease his parents he's been rather unfair to me. But in India, somehow, parents are forgiven everything, at least for the men. Thats our culture and our conditioning. Its always guilt, guilt, guilt.
@lburns70 (182)
• United States
4 Aug 07
I dont blame you for not wanting to see them. He should understand why you chose not to see them. He has witnessed the verbal abuse and should be one to not make you see them. It is sad that your husband is letting his mother come in between your marriage. Have you tried talking to him about this?
@rinkub (231)
• India
5 Aug 07
Oh, haven't I? Thats been the cause of all the discord between us. Earlier he used to somewhat agree but each time, begged me and requested me to meet them-either they would come over or we would go, promising that this time around, it wouldn't happen. but the lady is relentless. And now, my husband feels they are old and have not been keeping well, (actually, they are travelling and seem to be perfectly alright), so he feels guilty in not be able to do adequately for them. Actually, they've always made him feel guilty whenever he's tried to tell them anything or focus on our relationship. Anyway, I hope I've got to live with that.
@xmichx (109)
• Philippines
5 Aug 07
I think what you did is right but then again I also feel sorry for your husband because he is in between of you and his mother. Maybe you should talk to his parents and try to fix things up. And why don't you ask your husband to help you up on this. It is not healthy for both of you to keep up with this kind of relationship. I think you should let your mother in law realize that you are already married to him whether she likes it or not and both of you should show her that she can't do anything about it or break you up. Both of you should not mind her insults and ignore her. Be yourself don't attempt to change a thing because of her.