Believers and Non-Believers Happy Together?
By breepeace
@breepeace (3014)
Canada
August 12, 2007 2:40pm CST
I was out with a friend last night trying to cheer her up after her fiance called off their wedding.
He made the decision after he decided to start making some changes in his life because he's been on the wrong path for far too long. She was proud that he wanted to change his life for the better, and happy that he was renewing an interest in his Christian faith and very supportive, but a few weeks ago, his friend (who is also very into Christianity) told him that getting married after only knowing her for 2 years is rushing it and that because she's of no determined faith (she's kind of a seeing is believing sort of gal) their relationship is doomed and that he will go to Hell if he marries someone who is not Christian. This gave him pause for thought, and although he is making it very clear he still loves her and wants to be with her, he just feels he needs more time to make the right decision and called off their wedding a month before it was supposed to happen.
Let me be clear, not only is my friend very supportive of him and his faith, but she leads a very moral and loving lifestyle, has strong family values and is a well-rounded good person who just has a lot of really good questions about faith that she wants answered before she makes a decision.
Understandably she's feeling hurt and betrayed by his doubts, she doesn't understand why he even proposed if he's that full of doubt, and I don't know what to say to her to make her feel better about the situation.
I don't understand it, personally. Granted my boyfriend and I are both spiritual, but were raised by religious families (I was raised Catholic, he was raised Baptist) so we share similar views and values but I still think it's a bit ridiculous that her so-called religious boyfriend won't marry a person like her who leads a life of Christian values, but is of no determined faith.
6 people like this
15 responses
@loralee (542)
• United States
12 Aug 07
I would be devastated if I were her. To be with someone for 2 years (which to me is a long enough time to decide to get married) and then they suddenly put stipulations on the relationship would freak me right out. I would feel like I did not know this person I was about to marry. It might be a good thing that she found out before getting married. He might find other things that she would have to change after marriage and even kids. This is a very heart breaking situation. I would be equally perplexed on what to tell her in all this. Being a loving supportive friend, asking her good questions and simply listening to her as she tries to decide what to do is probably the only thing you can do to help her.
@horsesrule (1957)
• United States
12 Aug 07
That is rather bizarre of him. Knowing someone for 2 years is perfect! It has to be an excuse which would make it better for your friend to find out now though I know it's probably so painful for her right now. What he did is just plain mean, I mean, one month before their wedding? Come on, she and her family have to be out quite a bit of money, did he offer to pay for that? He really is an awful, awful person who is just using Christianity as an excuse to do mean, hurtful things but trying to make it seem like it is the fault of others [like your friend] when it really is all about him. Your poor friend, she is lucky to have you there for her in this terrible time. Christians are known by their actions and his are a shining example of the small-minded meanness that gives Christianity a bad name. Stick with your friend, she's going to need to talk about this over and over to help her deal with the pain of her fiances' senselessly cruel behavior.
4 people like this
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
12 Aug 07
Wow, that does sound like a really bizarre situation. I think if I were her I would seriously want to find this friend of his and beat the crap out of him personally. And if his religion makes him run around breaking up other people's relationships, then I think the friend needs to take another look at his own faith, personally.
I know when my husband and I were first together there were poeple who told him that it wasn't going to work out because of our different religious beliefs, and I'm glad he didn't listen to them! We've been together eight years, and we still have different religious beliefs, but it hasn't harmed our relationship any that I can see. In fact, it's amazing how many values we have in common even though he's Christian and I'm Pagan.
I think in the case of your friend it's possible boyfriend just has cold feet, and let his friend get to him because he was already doubting. I can't imagine why else he would act in such a way.
3 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
12 Aug 07
To the ultra religious people it is a big deal. I agree with you. There are so many moral, kind, loving, and open minded people out there that don't call themselves Christians. But they are living according to the the teachings of Christianity.I am glad she has a good friend like you to be with. Tell her for me that it is a good thing that the wedding was called off if he was having doubts because she deserves to marry someone who wants to marry her full heartedly and someone who doesn't have to marry a Christian or any other religion.
3 people like this
@LightninStrike (5915)
• Saint Vincent And The Grenadines
12 Aug 07
Sincerely, your friend is lucky that her ex has showed her how he is like before getting married. Going to hell for marrying a non christian? that's ridiculous. People should think more and be less fanatic really. I don't think your friend needs a diehard. His beliefs are great, but when those beliefs make you act and do things that make no sense then you should reconsider your position.
3 people like this
@blackkatdreamer (1461)
• Canada
12 Aug 07
As she said he fell in love with her for her and besides he's not baptised therefore will not go to hell... men are stupid
3 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
12 Aug 07
A Christian will not go to hell for marrying a non-Christian, but a Christian should marry a Christian because 'what fellowship has a believer with a non-believer and what union has Christ with demons." I am quoting from the King James Version, the Vulgate or the Catholic bible you grew up with might have it worded differently. It has to do with fellowship. He would want her to go to church with him and until she agrees, it might delay their actual marriage. Why I would not be surprised if he eventually marries her when her questions have been answered, that is, if it is not an excuse and I doubt it, because you said she lives a decent and moral life. If she had been wild, his not wanting to marry her would be an excuse. Now had this man married his girl friend before he made these changes or while he was going through them, it would have been all right.
You did not say what kind of Christian belief he follows. I know that Calvinists, that is, Presbyterians and Reformed have strict rules against marrying outside their Church and try to discourage it, although they will not block the doors, but they will have a marriage commissioner perform the wedding and the pastor will bless the marriage afterwards for the sake of the believer. I am not sure about Roman Catholics, Baptists, or other Christian beliefs.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
14 Aug 07
Aargh that sounds totally ridiculous to me. I mean what if they did get married and then later he committed himself to God and renewed his interest in the christian faith and she had not renewed her faith, then what? he would divorce her because of it? man some people, i think that is so wrong and ok so he chose a christian life but he won't got to hell if he marries someone who is not christian.
All I know is your friend is lucky she found out now rather than later. I don't understand his reasoning at all. I would be feeling the same way too! that is one way to not want to renew your faith in anything :(
@rarrimalion (674)
• United States
13 Aug 07
i think SHE should question if she should stay with him. It seems like he's letting religious people get to him and whenever i hear people start preaching of people who dont think just like them are "going to hell" i get weary cuz they just seem like teh christian cult type. She should question whether she wants to stay with someone who is so easily swayed by other people. She sounds like a good person and if he cant see that because of religious fanatics clogging his mind then thats just WRONG and the complete opposite of being a christian.
1 person likes this
@teleios (737)
• Philippines
13 Aug 07
i understand your confusion, its very difficult to comprehend how something like this could pull two people apart. but for most Christian people who are determined to grow in their faith and walk with GOd, it is important to set their priorities right, and that means putting God ahead and above others, and that includes the person that they plan to spend the rest of their life with. And it would eventually prove difficult for some to live this kind of life with a partner who is not equally dedicated in the same way in their own personal relationship with GOd. I don't particularly agree that if you marry an unbeliever or a person who is not a dedicated Chrstian you'll automatically go to hell, because what matters is your personal relationship with God. However, your partner can also have an influence on that, because she/he IS your partner. I think the essence here is that when two people commit to each other they must also be committed to goals such as these (living a life for GOd, etc.) because they wold be helping each other grow in these aspects.
@senthil2k (1500)
• India
15 Aug 07
Its quite difficult in situations like these in which your friend is currently in. May be she should come to some decision regarding her boyfriend immediately, because she cant know what her BF will answer after few years.
Its better to wake up now, rather than letting the things drag for few more years.
@rachelnextdoor (187)
• United States
13 Aug 07
Coming to the situation from a baptist-raised atheist, I have also experienced the anguish of falling in love with a strict religious person, in my case a Catholic.
I went out with him for fifteen months and he never told me why the relationship didn't deepen. Just vague answers that didn't have anything to do with anything. I broke up with him because, essentially, he refused to kiss me, like ever, even though he talked about us growing old together.
Not until after the break-up did he tell me it was because he could be with a Catholic girl. That still blows me away almost two years later.
Of course, I dated another Catholic guy and he was a great kisser, but didn't want a serious relationship for other reasons. Go figure.
I'm thinking this guy will never commit to the girl unless she changes her path to mirror his, which would be a crying shame.
Being part of an interfaith couple is hard.
1 person likes this
@kittikat1119 (24)
• United States
12 Aug 07
I was in the same situation as your friend's fiance. I was being pressured to break off my engagement to my boyfriend of two years because I was a believer and he wasn't. I followed my heart and have never regretted it. Three years after our vows we are still together and even closer than the day we said "I do". You do have to remember that not all relationships are not alike. It may be that her fiance's doubts are not because of religious beliefs but because of something else, I don't know. I do know that if a person KNOWS, without a doubt, that their love is right nothing will stop them.
2 people like this
@kolidilip05 (12)
• India
13 Aug 07
yes i belive in happy together. but in my life there is no such type of accedent was happend. buti see that people is talking tuth so i was belive
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
13 Aug 07
He will not go to Hell if he marries her..I do think however that a christian man who wishes to marry and is planning on going to church and having a christian home should sit down with your friend and explain to her what his plans are,and be up front.Your friend might would like to join him in his faith,and if so then I see no problem..It does say in the Bible not be be unequally yoked togeather with unbelievers,to me that means to marry someone that is of your faith or someone that is willing to craft into your faith.If your friend is a good person and a morel girl then maybe she would enjoy joining him in his faith..if so then there would not be any problems at all.The church that he attends is telling him what he should do,and he is just trying to do the will of God in his life which is an honorable thing...I just think that they should talk about the whole thing and see how they can agree...If he loves her and she loves him this can easily be worked out.
