How could one make a CHOICE between your partner or your family?

Netherlands
August 20, 2007 4:19pm CST
Ok, the problem is in this. My partner cannot stand my dad. However my dad is and remsains my dad, and he needs to be here ein The Netherlands once every 3 months for between 1 and 2 weeks. My partner behaves terribly while my dad is here, and does everything to make him leave and never come back again. To tell you the truth I am getting mad and frustrated from this situation, and hate to be placed between two fires. But i cannot walk away from the situation, and am really at loss here. I simply cannot refuse to help my dad while in need as he has helped me many times when in need, besides, he is my blood., which for me saiz enough. The house is as much mine as is my partners, and I think he has to stay civilized, and act nicely towards my dad, for as long as it takes. My partner though becomes very unreasonable, and I have no more patience with him. And as much as I love him, I am getting nervous and upset already 2 weeks before the arrival of my dad, because I know what is going to happen when he arrives, the same old story is going to start all over again, and I will have to be on guard all of the time that my dad will not upset my partner, and that my partner will not tell hatefull things to my dad while I am not around. Will you give me some advice as to how to act in this situation please? I am really getting so desperate here.
6 people like this
12 responses
• United States
20 Aug 07
You will have to tell your partner that when he tries to make your father feel bad or leave early that it really hurts your feelings. In fact he hurts you more than your father . And if he really loves you, he will be civil to your dad when he comes to town. And if he can't , then he needs to leave when your dad comes to town.
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
21 Aug 07
Thank you for your reply SarahRuthhbeth22. Believe me, I have talked and talked and talked for hours and even days with my partner, and he wont change, and he keeps saying how much he hates my dad. And I kept asking him to change his ways because he is hurting my feelings more than he could imagine, but it's all for nothing. he cannot leave, as he works, and he can't go anywhere else, than stay at his home. I wish I could find a place for my dad, but I was unable until now, and the situation is only escalating
1 person likes this
• Canada
20 Aug 07
That's an unfortunate situation. My fiance realizes that my family is my family and I know that his family is his family and we all accept eachother. My family is still trying to figure out our relationship. If my family made me choose him or them, or he made me choose them or him, I would not choose the person who made me choose.
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
21 Aug 07
Hi Danishcanadian, thanks for replying. The problem is that no one wants me to choose anything. The problem stays however. My partner knows that my father can't go anywhere else as he is without anyone else here than me, and cannot afford to go and stay in hotels or whatever. It will be also shameful to expect that from him, that he has a daughter where he can't even stay at her home for a week or two.
1 person likes this
@rosie_123 (6113)
22 Aug 07
Well that is a horrid position for you to be in my friend. But in my opinion, your Father is your Father - your flesh and blood, and if I were you I would tell my partner to "grow up" if he can't even stand him ariund for 2 weeks a year! Your Father gave you life, and no doubt worked hard and sacrificed a lot to give you the best education and start in life. You owe him some respect, and he has a rigt to spend some time with you as he grows older. Can't you partner fo and dtay somewhere else for a couple of wees a year? Maybe go and stay with is own parents, or with a brother or a friend. You could tell your Dad it is so that you and he can have some uninterrupted "private family" time with each other - that would solve the problem!
• Netherlands
22 Aug 07
Thanks for the reply Rosie. My partner can go nowhere, he is working, and where we live - he has no family living, so he cant moove somewhere else for 2 weeks. The same thing goes for him too, we cannot afford hoteld, just as my father cannot afford to go and stay in a hotel. And it's not for 2 weeks a year , but it's 4 times a year for 2 weeks at the time. Last time that my father was here he stayed for 4 weeks, and when he left we had such a fight, my partner and me, that we almost broke up. And I said this in an earlier reply - if we break up and go our separate ways - we will be totally broke as we have a mortgage and many loans, unfortunately, and no savings whatsoever. This situation is really bad and i trully wish to find a solution and soon. thanks
@fpd1955 (2074)
• United States
21 Aug 07
This is a bad situation you are in, my friend. Does your father do something that he knows will upset your partner or does your partner just get upset because your father is there and really has no reason to get upset? If they both are deliberately being mean to each other, you need to sit them both down and explain something to them. You have to ask them both if they truly love you. If they do, then they should respect that you have each of them in your life and if they really loved you they would try to get along and quit playing these games to upset one another. If it is just your partner acting up, you have to ask him why he treats the flesh and blood that you come from so terribly. It sounds to me like your partner is jealous that you help your father out. Perhaps he doesn't have the same relationship with his father and is trying to make you choose between the two of them. This is very childish and your partner needs to grow up! He has a serious problem and needs to start respecting your father and you! PEACE
@fpd1955 (2074)
• United States
21 Aug 07
Since my previous answer had a psychoanalysis that was way off (sorry I get carried away at times), I shall not analyze again. Forgiveness is very hard to instill in another person. I have a sister that is very unforgiving towards other members of my family. She absolutely avoids them..won't have anything to do with them. Hard for your partner to do, since your father comes to visit you regularly. Since both you and your partner get upset in one way or another when your father visits, perhaps he shouldn't stay at your home when he visits. I hope you can figure something out so that you don't have to go through this each time your father visits The Netherlands. PEACE
• Netherlands
21 Aug 07
Thank you for your reply Fpd1955. No, my father does nothing on purpose to upset my partner. My partner however acts very cold, unfriendly, and doesn't even talk to my dad. So much so that I have to ask him and than tell my dad this and that, like what will be there for dinner and such. And if my dad coocks something that I love my partenr demonstratively DOES NOT even want to touch the food, which is delicious just to make me mad, and make him feel like nobody, if you know what I mean. Than gets upset why my dad hasn't cooked earlier (before my husband gets home, which is unreasonable because it will mean that my father will have to eat in the late afternoon instead of in the evening...)And many more of this kind of things. It build up, and I am about to explode with each and every day more and more. The hate my partner feels for my dad stems from a happening of like 15 years ago,when my father did not help me in a situation. My partner cannot forgive him for this matter while I have forgiven it long ago. isn't this a stupid reason? It was something that concirned me, so I am the one that should have been upset, if I chose so, but i haven't - so my partner is acting on purpose here, and whatever I say in regards he only gets upset with me, and states that I am crazy to love my father still etc.etc etc. For everything else my partner and I have a terrific life together and are best mates and all you want, but he doesnt want anyone in his home for more than a few days, and especially my dad he doesnt want here, which is absurd really, as I said - this home is as much mine as it is his.
@raychill (6525)
• United States
21 Aug 07
I wish I could give you advice, but unfortunately all I can say is that I sort of know your situation. My brother and I were always close until he met his now wife. Her and I have never really gotten along and over time and as things happened we just got worse and worse. So my brother, in a sense, is in the situation as you. Except that I've never done anything to his wife and if we're in the same room I'm civil. She's the same way. However, she'll talk about me and the rest of my family badly whenever she's with my brother. My brother takes advantage of my parents... so he just deals with her in regards to them. But My brother has pretty much abandoned me. His sister... for his wife. I don't think you should choose that's for sure. Becuase you lose no matter how you choose. I'd say "talk it out" but, as I know, that's not easy to do either as there is nothing my brothers wife could ever say, or at this point, my brother could even say to make me feel differently about them. So I can say you just learn to deal...but I mean, who wants to 'just deal with it' right? I think you've really just got to find a balance between the three of you. so that you can work out the best possible scenario in which at least your partner and your father are civil to each other whether or not you are around.
@raychill (6525)
• United States
22 Aug 07
Good luck. my family disagreements going on 4 years with no luck in a solution.
• Netherlands
22 Aug 07
Hi Raychill, and thank you for answering and I appreciate your views here. And I will not focus myself on choosing but rather on a solution, and am hoping to find it soon enough. Thans and God Bless
• Indonesia
22 Aug 07
wow, your problem is too complicated i guess. why can't you just tell your partner to restrain himself while your dad visiting you. it's no like your dad bug your life everyday. and you have to try to talk to your dad again. have you ever stated that your partner is important and you love you partner? if you dad cares about you, then he will accept your partner as it is. i strongly suggest a hotel/motel. if i were you, i don't think i can take the stress and the tension at my house.
• Netherlands
22 Aug 07
Hi Orchefall, thanks for your reply. My partner feels that he is already doing too much by accepting my dad 4 times a year here, and staying for 1 2 weeks at the time. he will not and is not acting friendly however, and I have to put up with it and so my dad. I replied also earlier - my dad has no one than me. My dad is not rich and cannot afford to go to a hotel, as the cheapest one here in the town is at $80 per day, can you imagine that for 14 days will be the amount that my father has for a month with his pension, with which he has to do ? And what am I supposed to tell my dad while talking with him? "Dad, I am sorry but do not come here as I am risking my realtionship with my paartner for you?" I'll be damned if I do that to him - he is my dad and he needs me, and it will kill him. He is ILL - and could get an other stroke from it, besides he is coming here to be checked and get his medicines etc when he comes every 3 month. Thanks
@liranlgo (5752)
• Israel
21 Aug 07
This is a problematic situation to handle. But did you ever read 'king Lear' of shakespeare, there is a story about a girl that has to choose her priorities: the father or the husband, and she tels her father that it is natural that she will choose her partner over him. But life is a bit more complicated then plays and movies, and i do think that there has to be a way for your partner to get along with your father. If he wants to be a part of your family he would have to find this way, and i am sure he will. I really do not think that you should be dealing with choosing. I think that the two sides should be concerned with finding a solution instead of making those choices.
• Netherlands
21 Aug 07
Thank you Liranglo for your reply here. And I think too that I don't have to choose at all in this situation, and that somehow a solution will be there this time.
@susieq223 (3742)
• United States
22 Aug 07
It does sound like your partner is trying to force you to choose between him and your father by his behavior. That is a tough situation--one that sounds like a lose-lose. You don't say how long you have been in this relationship or what it would "cost" you to leave it. I don't think the problem is really about your Dad. I think your partner is "testing" your love and vying for your affection and loyalty. He is either extremely jealous about your feelings for your Dad or he is very insecure about your feeling for him. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior or his feelings. You will never be able to convince him of the strength of your feelings for him. People who are this insecure seldom overcome it. You may have to review your own feelings about this relationship and see if this is one you consider worth staying in for the long haul. If you do decide it is, then you may have to find a different way of helping your father. It is not a happy situation for you. Good luck and God bless.
• Netherlands
22 Aug 07
Hi Susieq and thank you for your reply in this discussion. And yes, we will be both at a big loss, my partner and me If you check my earlier answers you'll be able to read that we are toether for over 26 years, a life time, huh, and the reason why he hates my dad is that my dad didn't help me years ago in a situation, and my partner cannot forgive him for it, even though I did, and it concirned myself only. And leaving him, breaking up with my partner will ruin us both and we will end up on the street due to loans and the mortgage. We are not youngsters any longer, as I'll be 43 in a few weeks and my partner is 20 years older than me... Thank you and God Bless
@whyaskq (7523)
• Singapore
21 Aug 07
It has always been a problem for daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws who don't see eye-to-eye. Now your case is new to me :P It's between 2 guys. It seems that the problem lies with your partner? Perhaps he has a reason to behave such? What about your dad? Has he any comments? In my opinion, I would not make a choice between either of them. I would leave it to them to settle it themselves. Find an activity which involves the two and leave them at it. It could be baby sitting, cleaning the house etc. They sure can resolve it between themselves. Have faith.
• Netherlands
22 Aug 07
Hi Whyaskq, thank you for dropping by and being part of this discussion :) I explained in one of my answers that it is indeed my partners problem with what my father didn't do years ago to help me. Rediculous really, but that's him. No way that them two could go and do something together as my partner wont do anything together with my dad, I explained earlier in one of the anwers that he doesnt even wants to touch the food if my dad has cooked. And doesnt even wants to exchange a word with him. Very un-civilized behaviour of him, if you ask me, and I hope to be able to come with a solution now before SEeptember the 1st when my dad will be here again.
@michecu (637)
• Philippines
21 Aug 07
Hi! Don't get so desperate yet...there are still many solutions to your problem if you only know where / how to find them... Anyway, as i am reading through your post, i realized that the situation is very common regardless of culture or country. It's because though i am from the Philippines, I've heard a lot of stories like yours. But it's good that your dad still finds a way to visit you even if he knows that he is not that much welcomed by your partner. And despite the situation, your partner has managed to deal with your dad though he doesn't really like him. And I would also like to congratulate you for doing an excellent job in being a referee between your dad and your partner. Though its really kinda upsetting to be on guard all the time, but I guess your patience has gotten you a long way after all. I also think that you have to talk to your partner regarding your discomfort with his behavior whenever your dad visits. I believe that if you get down to the reason why your partner do not like your dad, you will be able to come up with a good arrangement between them. If all options run out and still there are no substantial solution, then I think its time for the ultimate move -- leave both of them in an island all by themselves and perhaps they will be able to work out their differences while in the process of finding ways to survive.
• Netherlands
21 Aug 07
Hi Michecu, Thanks for your reply, and I liked it a lot erspecially the part" leave both of them on an island all by themselves and perhaps they will be able to work out their differences while in the process of finding ways to survive"... This would really be great if at all possible, it's not an option here however :( and I feel really stuck
@nikkiwith (1074)
• Australia
21 Aug 07
You can't choose, and if your family or boyfriend are pressuring you to then you need to tell them to back off and let them know how you feel. Your boyfriend doesn't have to like your dad and vice versa , but if they both love you then they will "get along" for your sake, or if that's not possible then they should not be around each other when you see your dad. I have been in a similar situation many times, my family has never liked any of the boyfriends i've had. My daughter's father is 17 years older than me (we are not together any more), and he knew my dad before he knew me, so after we hooked up my dad hardly talked to me for over 2 years! But he loved his granddaughter when he seen her.
• Netherlands
22 Aug 07
Hi Nikkiwith, thank you for replying, and I will try to fix the situation somehow, as my partner is the one acting, and not my dad. And I hope to come up with something this time
@mrskitty (74)
• Philippines
21 Aug 07
Well, your situation really difficult.. hard to balance your partner and your dad. try to talk heart to heart with them, it might help you or they might understands your situation. You know, before I got married... its one of our arrangement that whenever there's a problem with my family... Its my responsibility to deal with it, I asked my spouse as much as possible never be involved with our family problem because I dont want ever to have misunderstanding between him and my relatives... and vice versa... whenever there's a misunderstanding in our family... he will deal with his family and I will deal with my family... I love him.. so i have to accept his family who ever they are... and i will do my best i can do to win their trust and love... But life and relationship isnt perfect... just think the best way to solve every problems that comes to our life. Its just my case...and my opinion... god bless and hope ur indifferences with your partner be settled soon...