My husband is a CLOSET BIGOT!
By ZenDove
@ZenDove (698)
United States
August 21, 2007 6:19pm CST
Now, this wouldn't ordinarily cause the extreme problem that it does for us. You see, I am black, he is white and his prejudices seem directed mostly at black people. You're probably wondering how this little detail got past me. Apparently, he was taught "never to see color" only when "they" didn't live next door to him! We've never had a conflict before now because we've lived in the suburbs during our relationship and coincidently(?), those suburbs have been white. Well, we've recently moved and even though we are still in the suburbs, a lot of our meighbors are black or hispanic. Imagine that! In a free country like America, people being free to live wherever they can afford to live!
His prejudices have been gradually wearing through his liberal veneer in the 3 months that we have lived here. He complains about children playing in the street (we live in a cul de sac), he complains about hearing music after dark, he complains about the neighbor's barbeques. All the signs of summer anywhere else. But the fact that most of the faces that he sees in our little corner of the development happen to be people of color, is freaking him out. He said today that he wanted to get out of the purchase of our home because he "didn't plan on spending this kind of money to live in a black neighborhood"! He actually said that... to his black wife. The man is an idiot, I've accepted that, I live with it every day but I did not know that he was a bigot. I've accepted that somehow it is my karma to sprinkle the seeds of "thinking human being" in this man's world but he really made me question my ability to discern and understand "liberal bigots." C'mon, I thought "not in my backyard" and "not with my sister" died out with phony Rocky accents! Are there stil so very many closet bigots lurking around our cities and suburbs? What would you do if you found out that your spouse, your child or yourself were actually bigots?
3 people like this
7 responses
@devilsangel (1817)
• United States
22 Aug 07
Oh wow, I really feel for you on this one. I honestly don't know what I'd do if my spouse came home and said something like that to me. See I too am in a mixed relationship, I'm blk/hispanic and he's white. I know that this is something new for him and I am the first of a lot of things for him. I think what helps with us is that we have always lived in a very racially diverse area so he has always been exposed to different ethinic groups and races. The closes racial anything he's ever said is when he complains about rap music, and at that point I can't even fight with him about it cause I hate the crap too.
2 people like this
@devilsangel (1817)
• United States
22 Aug 07
Thanks for the compliment on my page :) I owe the butterflies to a friend of mine. I really do feel for you though cause this situation is truely a hard one to be in. I know that my spouse can be closed minded about certian things and ethnic groups. For a long time he thought very little of Arabs and Muslim Americans till I pretty much tore him a new one. See I have quite a few Mulims Americans in my family and his comments were pissing me off. So I explained to him just how ignorant he sounded and educated him on a few things. Now even though he doesn't agree with their faith he doesn't make those ignorant comments anymore and will actually correct someone if they do. :) Its fun to watch him though cause he still gets nervous when we are somewhere and someone tells a racial joke. Its like he's afraid to laugh or doesn't know how to react. I honestly think he gets more offended about racial things now then I do lol.
2 people like this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
22 Aug 07
Sadly, there are ppl like this out there. I really don't know what to tell you here. If he is this bigoted eventually it may come out against you as well. My only suggestion is to try some marriage counceling and see if he can work through some of it.
AT PEACE WITHIN
2 people like this
@ZenDove (698)
• United States
22 Aug 07
Oh, I take it all personally. I find myself defending behavior I don't even approve of, just because I know that his comments are racially motivated. Sure, I don't want teenagers hanging outside my home at 1:00 in the morning but the only reason he called the police is because they were BLACK teenagers.
LOL to the counseling - just won't work on this particular being. I'm just going to have to wrestle with this bull until the light dawns for one of us! Thanks, 2e.
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
22 Aug 07
What an interesting and mixed up person your husband must be right now. He must feel very weird to feel so uncomfortable with his neighbours and yet have married interacially.
I have a question though: if the 'man is an idiot' and it also turns out, a bigot, why are you staying in this relationship?
I mean, there are plenty of bigots in this world, but why do you need to have one raising your children? My friend dated a guy once, and he was so stupid that he made a clearly racist joke about Asian people at the table, while sitting right across from me. She says he got it from his dad, who used to make racist comments about people behind their backs, but be perfectly pleasant to their faces. Good thing my friend broke up with him: she figured she could 'train' him to be better, that it was the fault of his dad, and he'd 'grow out of it' because he lived in the city now. He just got worse once it was out in the open and he figured people were okay with it. A bunch of us stopped hanging out with my friend because we weren't comfortable with him; he didn't like us either because he was intimidated by the fact that we'd all gone to college or university.
2 people like this
@ZenDove (698)
• United States
22 Aug 07
It's not just a relationship, cutie, it's a marriage. So, I don't have any one to blame but myself for the judgement miscalls I may have made. It's hard but it's a commitment. Honestly, though, I don't think that I would be quite so slow to walk away if we had children together. I would feel compelled to protect my children's i.q.s! lol I imagine that my husband, when growing up in his insulated world, would make prejudiced and bigoted racial remarks, comfortably and unchecked amongst other like-thinkers. His friends have said stupid things to me that they didn't even realize were offensive. It is bizarre to me too that he would harbour such thoughts and marry outside his race. He attributes that to how swept away he was by me and how much he loves me. Unfortunately, I'm not big on sentiment and so this doesn't impress me. I'll deal with it like I do most of the backwards thinking that he exhibits -until something gives or until I simply can't any longer.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
22 Aug 07
Having grown up during the 60s, ZenDove, I have seen it all. That is why I continue to tell all who will listen that racism is alive and well in America. I've seen the struggle of the black people who just want to be treated as equals. Just like with any ethnic group, we have the good , the bad, and the just plain ugly. It's a fact. I don't see anything changing in the near future, and that is sad. Even with all the enemies that America has we are still fighting among ourselves over racial issues. To me, one person is as good as another as long as they are morally upright and respectful toward others. MLK said it all: People should not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
@ZenDove (698)
• United States
22 Aug 07
I was born in the early 60's, anointed with the fever of race and gender equality, so your words ring very sweetly for me, worldwise. I remember being sent home from kindergarten because the black santa was only passing out white baby dolls - it just didn't seem fair to me! Character, principles, justice - all seem to be taking giant slides backwards these days. And my marriage to a man 13 years younger, just drives this point home to me. He was born in the Star Wars' generation and I was born in the midst of Flower Power. I may have been young but Dr. King was a real man that my family cried real tears over. Whereas, to my husband, "Martin Luther King, Jr" is the answer to a lot of trivia questions. Thanks for responding, world.
1 person likes this
@dreamjapan (409)
• Japan
21 Aug 07
Hi,
Sorry to hear about your problem. I'm also in a mixed marriage, I'm English, hubby is Japanese. We live in Japan and I get a lot of racist remarks thrown at me. My husband is also a bigot, he can't stand Chinese. I've tried to point out to him that in the west he would be considered Asian, along with the Chinese, Korean and others from this part of the world!! I also quote my Mom to him. My Mom grew up in the English countryside just after WW2. She had never seen a person of colour ( I think most people she knew were family) until she was 13 when a black salesman knocked on her door, she freaked out but my Granddad literally knocked some sense into her. After a good beating she had to apologise to the salesman. She always told me that no matter the colour of skin what is inside is the most important thing. I grew up with friends of different colours and learnt a lot about India, the Caribean and Middle East. I had good friends who were white but there were also people who I couldn't stand and it was never about the skin colour but who they were!
The only thing you can do is love your husband, help to see that people are people regardless of colour, maybe get invited to some barbeques, I remember them from living in Mississippi!
Take care and good luck.
@ZenDove (698)
• United States
22 Aug 07
I dated a remarkable Japanese fellow some years ago, he was a young scientist with several degrees and an 18-inch ponytail. We had such fun together! One day, we ran into one of his cousins at the mall and you would have thought that he had been caught dating a 3-headed goat! We only saw each other a few times after that until he told me that he couldn't live with what our relationship would do to his family. He needed to go back to his "real" world. Many black women have shared similar experiences when dating men of other races. You're wonderful, beautiful and exciting to them...until someone from home finds out!
If you had lived here in the states with your Japanese husband, his buddies would probably be patting him on the back for marrying a white woman. Minority men here seem to view marriage to a white woman as a step upwards, a token of approval and acceptance.
I understand, and have experienced, most of the psychology behind racism. After all, I'm a child of the 60's - we were all radical about something in those days! I just never thought I would marry someone who could set my race back 50 years!
Oh, and about the barbeques? He won't talk to anyone unless they talk to him - but he sure can describe every big butt in the place!
1 person likes this
@FaidaATL (44)
• United States
22 Aug 07
What does he mean by saying that he 'didn't plan on spending this kind of money to live in a black neighborhood?' For his information, and anyone else's information, a black neighborhood does not equate to a poor neighborhood, or a loud neighborhood, or a crime filled neighborhood, or anything else negative.
I live in Atlanta, GA. And I live in a black neighborhood with $400k to $1M+ houses. Our Atlanta Mayor (Shirley Franklin) lives up the street; Andrew Young lives up the street (and his second wife is my former neighbor from my subdivision). Hank Aaron lives up the street. Queen Latifah just bought a million dollar house in a new subdivision that is in this section of town.
We, Black folks, built our huge, mostly brick homes (my father was a masonry contractor) in this area back in 1971 and beyond). Yeah, we have a few well known names in our neighborhood but 30+ years ago they were just young, hard working black people, with families just like anyone else. Of course, Hank Aaron and A. Young were famous back then, but they did not have the money and influence they have today.
You know, a lot of people need to know their history about different groups/races in America before making blanket statements about a group of people.
It's so sad... but I think there is hope for your husband. Please educate him so that he will get rid of some of his bitterness. But, if he is not comfortable in that neighborhood, which is really not about race but about the type of activity around there, then in order to save your marriage, maybe you should move.
2 people like this
@shmeedia (1044)
• Canada
28 Aug 07
oh dear.....not fun to read at all :(
i`m sorry about all the hubby troubles lately!
i`ve had a few experiences with people turning out to be bigots (that i didn`t realize before) but not quite as bad as this. last time it happened with my ex, it made me squirm every time, and i told him off for it and he would just laugh or giggle like a moron.
fortunately, the bigotry was never directed at my own race, but it made me realize that if i were another race and he was against that one, how rude he would have been to me...or how much he was hiding his bigotry by only saying it about OTHER people, conveneiently forgetting that i am a part of said race.
i think you already know my opinion about your man, but i also understand you gotta do what you gotta do, and if you feel you should staty with him, that`s your prerogative. but me, eventually i wouldn`t be able to deal with it any more.
