My Marriage Is On The Mend

@vokey9472 (1486)
United States
September 3, 2007 10:51am CST
For those of my friends who wanted me to keep you up to date on what is going on in my marriage, I think we are going to be able to save it. Turns out my dear hubby was just severely depressed. We have had some really long serious talks and we discovered that he started falling into a deep depression right around the time that our "life" fell apart. We had to sell our house 4 years ago because of financial issues. For him, losing the house was the start of a downward spiral that he just couldn't see until I got serious with him about ending our marriage. One thing after another happened and each one was a terrible blow to his ego and pride. I am guilty of not noticing what toll it was taking on him. For me, all those things just made me focus more on trying to improve our situation and then I was busy taking care of our son so I just didn't notice the toll it was taking on him. Therapy has helped me realize that some of the issues in our marriage ARE my fault. Somehow, I just started to ignore my husband and focus only on my son and myself. I guess I just expected him to be like me and roll with the punches. Instead, he saw my withdrawal from him as my way of saying that he wasn't a man. He honestly thought I didn't love him and had become disgusted with him because he couldn't support us. He saw me applying for food stamps, section 8 housing and medicaid as my way of saying to him "You are a bad provider". When I saw it as a way to help us survive until we could better our situation. Apparently he and I see things very very different. In therapy I asked him what made him want to marry me. He said "I needed you. Before you, I didn't know how to live. You taught me how to live." Then he asked me why I wanted to marry him and my answer was "I trusted you". Our therapist thought it was a major breakthrough. She told us that we were finally really communicating with one another. I rolled my eyes. I mean, we communicate all the time, he just doesn't HEAR me. :) So, for those of you that have asked how things were coming along. We are getting better. I think my husband may eventually become the man I married again. I know he truly feeling better about things. He enrolled at DBU to finish is degree. I have been encouraging him to do that for 5 years and after a few sessions of therapy and some really good meds, he finally did it. I am really proud of him.
3 people like this
7 responses
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
3 Sep 07
well, marriage is a big thing that everyone has to realiz how important it is. About you situation is really imazing. im proud of you... finally, you found the way to solve you problem in your marriage; that's a good thing. Same thing happened to me... Sometimes I feel that my husband doesn't care about me but you know what it is all happen to everyone... it is just how you feel about it... but actually he is busy with something and he is trying his best to do for you and the family. Hey, im happy for you... God bless you all ok?
3 people like this
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
4 Sep 07
I just didnt realize that he couldn't see that I wasn't blaming him for our financial issues. I never thought he wasn't a good provider. It never occurred to me that by not telling him that I was proud of the efforts he was making, that he was feeling so low about himself. He actually told our therapist that I never say how much I appreciate the efforts he makes to take of our family. I was shocked, I thought I thanked him all the time, but I guess I just haven't been doing it like I should.
• Canada
3 Sep 07
I'm proud of both you and your husband my friend! My husband and I are also working on our marriage of five years and comming to realize that men and women often think and look at things very differently that is why it is so important to have good communication! So happy that you are able to save your marriage. Mine is getting alot better also :) Thanks so much for sharing this good news with us here. Take care my friend! :)
2 people like this
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
4 Sep 07
Thanks. I hope things work out for you and your hubby too. I never realized that my hubby wasn't actually hearing what I was saying to him. He heard the words, but he didn't really hear what they meant. I am having to learn how to talk to him so that he understands what it is I am meaning to say. Same for him. He says things and I hear something else. We are working on it and things are getting better.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
3 Sep 07
i am happy to hear that both of you finally are able to communicate and save the marriage... that is a fantastic effort... marriage is a lifetime commitment and it takes two people to make it works... and i salute you as well for being able to admit your mistake... i am really happy everytime i hear that somebody is able to work out the almost ending marriage... hope your marriage will work well and last forever... take care and God Bless you...
1 person likes this
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
4 Sep 07
I agree that marriage is a lifetime commitment, which is why it was so upsetting for me when we finally got to the point where we were both wanting to end the marriage. I always thought I would grow old and fat with my husband. Well, I have gotten fat, but I am not old yet so....we have to save this marriage!! :) Admitting that some of the issues were my fault was actually pretty easy. I told the therapist at the first session that I wasn't perfect and that I was pretty sure some of the problems were my fault. She said the easy with which I said that indicated that deep down, I didn't think any of it was my fault. Maybe she was right. Had a major temper tantrum in one session and realized that I had a lot of anger and resent towards my hubby, so in effect, some of our issues ARE my fault. Things are much better now. Still not where we used to be with one another but getting closer. Thanks for your compassion and caring.
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
4 Sep 07
Congratulations! I found that once my husband began to see the cause of his problems, he was very proactive about fixing things. It has been and will be a struggle, but it's been worth it for us, and I hope you see good results!
1 person likes this
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
5 Sep 07
Thanks. Once my husband was willing to admit that we had problems, we were able to address them and try to find ways to solve them. I was ready 4 years ago, it just took him a little longer to let go of the pride that wasn't allowing him to see that we needed help. Now, things are so much better. I know we have a long struggle ahead of us as we relearn how to be insync with one another, but I have faith that we will get through this. Good luck to you and your hubby too.
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
4 Sep 07
I haven't been here much so I guess I missed your previous topics about problems in your marriage. But I am really really happy that you both have come closer to solving the problem. The way I see your relationship is : Trust me, I need you. It's beautiful and it's getting stronger. I wish you an even stronger relationship in the future
1 person likes this
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
5 Sep 07
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope that things get better too. I think that they will. We had some serious talking about why we married each other. I explained to him that until I was with him, the main reason none of my other relationships worked was that the men wanted my trust and I couldn't give it to them. With him, I trusted him from the beginning, it was just something special that he had that I hadn't found with anyone else. He kept trying to explain to me what he meant when he said I taught him how to live. He went all the way back to one of our very early arguments when we were dating. He said that one time we got into a fight about doing somethign that he saw as just silly. I supposedly asked him "Do you want to spend the rest of your life sitting on the sidelines or do you want to be an active participant in your life?" He said then I just looked at him and told him "I choose to live my life" and then I walked off to do whatever it was that he didn't want to do. He said that was when he realized that up till then, he wasn't living. So, I taught him how to live. We need each other and we know that. As long as we both want to save this marriage, it can be saved.
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
5 Sep 07
if there is a will, there is a way. wish you two the best
1 person likes this
@ayu_asks (104)
• United States
3 Sep 07
wow! congratulations.! it just shows again, never giving up, preserverance triumph life trials.. happy for U and God Bless.... www.myhandbaghaven.blogspot.com
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
4 Sep 07
Thanks for the encouragement.
@linoxy (283)
• Cyprus
4 Sep 07
I know exactlly how u were/are feeling. I have had several issues in my relationships as well. My future hubby (we are getting married next spring) had several periods of depression. But i'm very open person and we worked things out. So whatever you do allways speak with your husband on every issue. Do not bother if he is going to like what you think or not. It's better for him to know what you think, than to suppose something worse.
1 person likes this