Exes: Do we really miss them or are they a security blanket?

United States
September 7, 2007 3:06pm CST
I was just thinking about an ex and out of nowhere I realized that the relationship was never really great and while it was intense and had it's moments they was never really more than but a handfull of them throughout the years. I realized that as a boyfriend, he was awful and that lead me to wonder why I still care and why I still think of him. And it hit me, it's not him exactly that I miss but the idea of him. He was a security blanket, as long as I felt like I had hope in my heart whenever he felt like popping back into my life then I didn't have to really ever depend on myself. There was always the "when we're married" in the back of my mind and that kept me from having to plan for myself and take the steps to putting myself out there and accomplishing my goals for myself and by myself. It was like a life with him was plan A and creating my own life was plan Z, pining over him kept me from having to face the thoughts of "what if I go for my dreams and fall flat on my face". But I made myself face who he was really as a boyfriend not how I chose to remember him as being and I realized that my security blanket was musty and full of holes... and just like that I let go. So do you think those hard to forget exes are really just security blankets we use to keep ourselves from having to venture into the reality of the world as it is?
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5 responses
• Hong Kong
8 Sep 07
That's partly true I think! Most of the time we would think it's nice to have two people working together towards a goal (I guess subconcisouly!). It's really hard to focus on ourselves and solely on ourselves when we are out of relationships. I am able to focus on myself now mainly because I really enjoy what I am doing. But like before when I don't really have the "internet interest", I thought of my exes from time to time and wonder what life would be like if we hadn't broken up, but the fact was we did break up and we broke up for one reason or another. I think life was hard then and the brain kind of want to escape and bought out those messages. Just train the brain to focus on you and yourself! Most of the time, I find that I don't miss my exes, I am just trying to escape from the hardship of life *laughs*.
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• United States
8 Sep 07
That is so true for me too, when I think about an ex it's not so much about them as it is about me wanting to not think about life as it is during a rough spot.
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@moneyandgc (3430)
• United States
7 Sep 07
I see my ex all the time. I don't think I have ever missed being married to him. Though we are friends now, I would never want to be with him again in that capacity. I think for a lot of people it is easier to only remember the good times, forgetting that there really were reasons for splitting up.
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• United States
8 Sep 07
I agree it can be easier to remember the good times and forget the way it really was. There's always a reason an ex is an ex!
• United States
7 Sep 07
Excellent post--got me thinking about all of mt ex's and past relationships. I absolutely DO NOT miss any of them. I was where I was supposed to be at the time and I loved my ex deeply. I did fall out of love with him and therefore, knew I had to move on. The thing is, my relationship with my ex was more convenient. Instead of having a husband, he was more like a roommate. I hated every moment of that. I am with my soul mate now and never think twice about my ex--other than he is a pain in the butt. So I guess in a way, the notion of being in that relationship with him in that manner was a sense of security. Just keep this in mind--the places we go, the people we meet and the things we do are all meant to happen.
• United States
8 Sep 07
Thanks! I couldn't agree more with you about things that are meant to happen. I believe every experience teaches us something and helps us grow. It's great that you are now with someone who is worth being with out of love and not just for the convienece factor.
@IL2Knit (1141)
• United States
7 Sep 07
You got smart faster then I did. I kept an ex husband around till he got me PG for the third time and he walked out on me. His reason was he didn't want kids. Just a little late for that I think. But any way after he left I stayed single for 8 years raising the kids (with out the EX helping) till I found out who I was and I liked myself. Then out of the blue I met Mr. Right and we have been happy together for 20yrs.
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• United States
8 Sep 07
Well at least you got three beautiful blessings out of that relationship and were able to find yourself and find real honest love.
@Savvynlady (3685)
• United States
7 Sep 07
Well as for me, I was married, and now divorced. And I do miss having someone close by at times, having them in my corner and what have you. But on the other hand, there are things that I just don't miss about being married. But right now, i have no other choice but to get out there and do what I have to do. There is someone that wants to be in my life, but I am not sure if I want to get with this person or not. and I also want to be sure that whomever gets in my life, they want to be there.
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• United States
8 Sep 07
Take your time and enjoy being out there and living life for you. As for this person, taking things slow and starting out by building a solid friendship is the best advice that I can give. It's smart to want to be sure of that person and their intentions, follow that instinct.