If a parent had a questionable past, should they tell their children.
By miamilady
@miamilady (4910)
United States
September 10, 2007 9:46am CST
This may be similar to another of my discussions, but it isn't the same.
This is more hypothetical. Sort of. But I'll make it a bit personal too.
I was not a perfect teen. Most people aren't perfect, I know that. I wasn't one of the "bad kids" either.
I think I stayed more on the side of good than bad, but I did cross the line a few times.
Now I'm an adult, with children of my own. Most of the things that I did as a child and as a teen are things that I wouldn't mind my own children doing.
But, there are a few things I'd rather they not do.
Here is my dilema and I'm sure I'm not alone.
I'm not talking about sitting down and telling them my life story. I'm talking about being asked a direct question.
I am not a big fan of lying. I don't think lying is good. It isn't something I do often. But, yes, I have lied a time or two in my life.
It isn't something I make a habit of. I do consider myself an honest person. Sometimes too honest.
Many of my peers think I'm "too honest".
Yes. Some people think there is such a thing as being "too honest".
Back to the point.
Hypothetically, if you want...
If you were a parent with a questionable backround, whether to a large degree or a small degree...would you be completely honest with your child about those things that you did.
Do you think being honest will cause them to think "If it was okay for you it should be okay for me"? or Perhaps you think, that if you're honest with them, they will respect you for it and they will learn from the lessons that you learned along the way.
I'm interested to know what you all think on this topic.
13 people like this
38 responses
@shannon76 (1232)
• United States
10 Sep 07
My husband and I have talked about this. My husband was a good boy and had only done a couple of "bad" things in his childhood (which I don't think they were even that bad). But me on the otherhand, I was a very bad child/teenager and had done quite a number of things that I would be devestated if my child(ren) did. We have decided to be honest with our kid(s). I will never openly just talk about my past but if it comes up and I am ask, I am more then willing to tell them the truth and hopefully through my experience, they can make the right decision.
3 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
10 Sep 07
Good decision not openly telling the kids about our full lives etc.
I also waited until I was asked things. I never offered anything
about my personal life unless it was mandatory under the circumstances.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
2 people like this
@naty1941 (2336)
• United States
10 Sep 07
I think it would depend on the child. Is the child mature enough to learn from your mistakes or will the child think it is ok? Also, some kids will not respect their parents if the parents are too honest about their misdeeds. Interesting discussion and a subject I debated with myself when my daughters where children and teens.
2 people like this
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
10 Sep 07
Thanks. I suspect many people debate this question. Or perhaps they don't "debate" it, but it is a decission they have to make, whether it's a conscious or unconscious decision.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
10 Sep 07
If I had kids and I had a "checkered" past, I would tell them the truth.It would be worst to pretend you were the perfect teen and they find out different.i would tell them at the age of 13 what I did wrong and why it was wrong and why they shouldn't do it.
2 people like this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
10 Sep 07
I had some pretty wild moments in my teen years...ones I'm sure had my Mom getting grey hairs by the second and no I don't discuss them with anyone. My Mom of course knows and thanks to a long time friend Hubby knows. Of course, he likes to toss them up once in awhile just to set me off.
Mostly I don't discuss them b/c I look at them as being things of the past and theres no sense in re-hashing them. I probably wouldn't tell all the details to kids either simply b/c I wouldn't want to give them any ideas :) I'd just leave it at some wild moments and go on.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
2 people like this
@pismeof (855)
• United States
10 Sep 07
My thoughts are that you do not volunteer any information to your children with any questionable conduct of the past unless you are asked directly and about something specific.
Then if asked say, Did you ever take an illegal substance ?Answer with the truth because they'll sense it anyway if you attempt to lie but,explain why it was a bad choice or bad decision and explain why you think if it were better not to repeat the behavior.
Explain that you may not have been jailed or gotten pregnant or what ever the case may be but, that there is no guarantee that it couldn't happen to them.
Lay out the worst case scenario and ask them if they would be willing to pay that price.
@andrejuly84 (1047)
• Romania
10 Sep 07
i think i would be honest and tell her in special if she asks.if i would have made important mistkes i would tell her without she asking me cause i wouldn't like her to find out from other persons and loose her trust in me.i want to be like friends to can speak almost everything.so i think if i confess my mistakes and admit that i was wrong in different situation,she would trust me more and maybe learn from those mistakes.hope will manage to become her friend.i know teenage is a delicate period in the relation from parents to child
@TheCatzMeow1 (579)
• United States
20 Sep 07
This is a difficult topic. I believe in being honest with my kids, but somethings are better left unknown. I wouldn't go as far as lying to my kids. If they asked me a direct question I would give them an honest answer with details as to why it was wrong or whatever. I don't want them to make the same mistakes I did, although sometimes they need to learn the hard way. We turned out ok and I'm sure our kids will too. There are certain things from my past that I choose to leave in the past. Those are the things that I won't share with my kids. I would like to erase those things from my mind but it seems like that will never happen. I don't know what I would do if one of my kids asked me a direct question that hits on those things though. Like I said, it's a tough discussion. LOL
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
10 Sep 07
I have had my children ask me questions about my personal life before. I had ran away from home at 13 and been on my own ever since. So they naturally had questions about this knowing just this much. I answered honestly telling them what was good about this experience and also what were the pitfalls of this. I never had the fear they asked due to wanting to run away or were not happy at home. It was just a curiousity question. Now they're adults and my daughter has given us 2 granddons and I await the day they aske her or myself some personal questions about our pasts. Hmmm? As far as my honesty. well since sobering up & getting free of drub abuse I have become all too honest I feel. But it's a good thing.Thanks for this discussion as well. Going to be great reading some of the respondees.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
2 people like this
@Foxxee (3651)
• United States
10 Sep 07
I think if the child asks, then the child should get a truthful answer. Kids learn from us, but they don't always fallow in our footsteps.
For example, I was into some bad things as a teen and even a young adult and if my daughter 10 years from now was to ask me about my past. I would tell her the truth, but I would also explain to her that I made mistakes that I regret. In hoping she makes the right choices.
2 people like this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
20 Sep 07
I've always answered the kids questions directly and honestly and not once have they turned the information around and used it against me :)
I think it's better not to lie to them and be forthright about your past because you don't want to put them in a position where they feel like there's too many differences between you. If they know you were a fallible kid and made mistakes, it helps them communicate more freely and honestly with you.
Two examples:
One - Our daughter (25) tells us absolutely everything even when it makes us uncomfortable. She knows our history (on a Q & A basis) and is reminded periodically that we made mistakes and hope that she learns from our past instead of repeating our history.
Two - A (girl in the extended family) can't tell her parents anything so she has two lives, the good girl they think she is and the not-so-good one she becomes away from home. She knows nothing of her parents experiences and they want it to stay that way because they think it will diminish their credibility and authority. Everyone around them know all about the girl except the parents and the sad part is no one says anything .....even me!
Honesty might not be the most comfortable of all choices all the time but it certainly is the easiest in the long run.
1 person likes this
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
1 Oct 07
Great example. I strive to make my children comfortable with being open with me. I would rather know that my children are bad sometimes than think they are good and not truly know them.
1 person likes this
@here2learn (210)
• United States
11 Sep 07
My theory - If you want them to be honest with you, you should be honest with them. I know that may sound cliche but its true. one of my parents is honest with me and i appreciated it although it was hard for him to tell me not to do what he had done but still it made me think that he did know what he was talking about
1 person likes this
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
11 Sep 07
I understand what you're saying. Thanks for your response.
1 person likes this
@here2learn (210)
• United States
11 Sep 07
oh and by the way. some people (at any age) will do what they want regardless and then make excuses because they are not mature enough to take the consequences. so if they blame you chances are they would have done it either way - because thhey wanted too. hope you understand what im trying to say. i didn't put it the best way.
1 person likes this
@Hawaiiblue (422)
• Malaysia
20 Sep 07
hi, miamilady..if i have questionable past, i will tell my children.. tell my children don't do follow what i have done wrong way. ask my children done the correct way...
1 person likes this
@gradyslady (4054)
• United States
18 Sep 07
I don't think you should overwhelm your child with something really bad, I think you should wait until they're an age where they can comprehend things and you can actually talk to them and all of that.
1 person likes this
@izathewzia (5134)
• Philippines
20 Sep 07
It depends on the situations. If it cals for it, then tell it but in relation to something- like setting as an example, a way of disciplining, or avoiding to commit the same mistake again. Questionable, painful, wrongful past and all those unforgettable we have are part of us and can never be taken away from us. So we can use it in proper way. Not to cause pain on us but to serve as a warning especially to our children.
1 person likes this
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
12 Sep 07
Some parenting "experts" have actually suggested you lie to your kids on such matters. I'm not sure, I'm only a humble student of psychology--but here's my thoughts. If we wish to teach our children to be honest isn't it imperative that we be honest with them? That being said, there's something to be said about not revealing too much info. too soon. Perhaps, when they are getting mature and they began asking you--or you see that they are at risk of those behaviours, then it's time I think to tell them the risks and the possible consequences, possibly even then explaining your own struggles to them.
@stella1989 (2274)
• India
11 Sep 07
See every body has a past...a bad past. And it follows you till your grave so... when you are a parent and you have a questionable background then its not that important to tell every thing to your children.
Its upto to you if you want to share your past with your kids or not no matter if they are all grown up and matured enough, independent..!!
Its totally your dicision..!!
Some times things go so mcuh wrong that you just can't share them with people and especially with your kids..!!
But make sure to never let YOUR kids fall in the same pit as you did ever back in your life!!
Be happy.
:)
@jillmalitz (5131)
• United States
11 Sep 07
I dont think it is necessary or sometimes even advisable to tell kids everything. But honesty about subjects is important. Many times just having knowledge of a subject either from personal experience or knowing of a subject can make for helpful suggestions to a younger person. Of course kids dont always listen to what we say anyway. They still have to learn the hard way.
1 person likes this
@jesus777 (662)
• Bermuda
11 Sep 07
i dont have kids
i do not have kids but if i did i would be striaght up with and tell them and then i would tell them what the cosequences were for doing it and hope that they listen and learn from my mistakes i hope they would say if mommy did it and this si how it turned i dont want too do it but some kids are very rebellious and they may be follish enough to try it but you know the personalities of your kids and how they are so i feel that you should just use your best judgement in a isses like this!!!!!!
1 person likes this
@cuteshreya (16)
• India
11 Sep 07
Some past truth should not be told to the children if it would cause it's -ve effect on children.It depends on the circumstances & many other things.
1 person likes this
