can friends be to much at times?

United States
September 15, 2007 2:41pm CST
Do you have a firend or friends that can be to much to handle at times? I have this friend and her husband that has to come to my house everyday and stay until late at night or has to stay the night.And if they are home she has to call me non stop so I get on my laptop cause I hate talking on the phone and she will talk and talk until I'm off the net. And then she ends up at my house..Like last night she was here till midnight and then first thing this morning she called and I was on the phone for like a half an hour..When I got off and got on the net she was there and now she is on her way down...I have a hard time telling here not to come cause I can't be mean to people..But if I do have soemthing to do durning the day I can tell her I'm not gonna be home and I don't feel bad about that..But I can't lie and say I'm not gonna be home when I am home...Does anyone ever had this same problem with any of their friends? What would you do? What can I do about it without hurting her or lying to her?
8 people like this
20 responses
@mjgarcia (725)
• United States
15 Sep 07
If you don't say anything you'll end up hating her for the resentment she causes. Try telling her that you need more family time and to do that you have to get some things done during the day. Set some boundaries. Tell her she can call once a day for a half hour and come over two nights a week or something like that. Tell her she can send you unlimited emails, but that you can only answer them once or twice a day. Then set your im to unavailable. No matter what you do, it'll probably hurt her feelings some. But its better than getting so fed up with her that you blow up from frustration at her. You could always do it a step at a time. I'd start with the being at your house every night for late hours. Set time limits.
3 people like this
@kitty1234 (1476)
• United States
15 Sep 07
This is a difficult situation, but I would tell them nicely, your husband and yourself need some alone time. When they try to include themselves politely refuse. You need to be firm or these people will never start to find other people to hang out with. Tell her straight out that you are not in the mood for guests and if they show up do not open the door. You are in charge of your own life!
@Cassy1976 (796)
• Australia
15 Sep 07
OH I do feel sorry for you right now, we used to have friends like that, my partner is a shift worker and gets up to go to work at about 5am and these people would come to visit and just wouldnt take the hint from about 10pm onwards that we didnt want them there, they would ring us all day and night, in the end we had caller ID and we just ignored the phone when they rang and if I did accidently pick it up I would tell them we were on our way out and all of that, they drove us nuts! It was really hard for us but eventually they stopped coming around. My partner made the comment the other day that we hadnt seen them for a while and how good it was, they were really nice people but they got beyond friendship and started being harassing which is not what we wanted in friends
3 people like this
@cutiedhes (508)
• Philippines
15 Sep 07
In my own experience not exactly like that but sometimes my friends do ask me something which i really don't like to do again and again. The only thing i did is at the first place I show them what is my attitude, what are my likes and dislikes especially to a friend i have to tell the truth so that they would understand if sometimes i cannot give what they wanted. Because you cannot please everybody. So i think you should tell her the truth what you really feel eventhough it hurts but if she is really your friend she would understand.
3 people like this
@sephrenia (567)
15 Sep 07
I had this problem a little while ago with one of my husbands old friends. My husband had known the guy for ten years so I tried to be nice about it and dropping hints here and there to try and get him to just back off. He really did not get it. He would be at my house in the morning, on the interneet every day if he wasnt at my house trying to talk to me, or phoning up to find out what we were doing to see if he could come alogn and join in. This guy drove me absolutely nuts! I swear if i could have killed him and gotten away with it i would have given it some serious thought. He put a terrible strain on my marriage because we had no time together because he was always over our shoulder. The final straw came when he phoned me up during a vital interview (I had my phone on in case my kids were sick at school). I was beign interviewed to discuss suitability for a student exchange programme and he cost me my place on it by rining up at that moment. I told my husband what happened and he was so mad, I cant even describe. Then this twit rings up again!, my hubby finally had enough and snapped at him and told him to stop stalking me ( I was usually the one getting called) and to stay away from me and my husband. Since then we've not heard from him and our marriage is better than it ever was before. Now im not saying that you need to be like we were because we WERE harsh to this guy, but it may come to that point if you dont tell this woman straight out that you are annoyed with constant contact and that you need space for yourself. If she cant understand that sometimes there can be TOO MUCH contact, then she isnt much of a friend at all and you should consider ending the friendship. a Friend will understand the need to be left alone to do your own thing and it sounds as if this lady needs to be told that straight out rather than hinting at it.
3 people like this
@barehugs (8985)
• Canada
16 Sep 07
First off this person Is not your friend! A friend is one who cares about You! This person is so Selfish she only thinks about herself. You will have to Tell Her how you feel. Its not going to be easy, but you have to do it to get your life back. Just tell her that you need your privacy. You have your own life to live and you want to do it by Yourself. She might be upset with you, but thats not Your fault. Its your life and you deserve to live it in Privacy. Good Luck!
• United States
16 Sep 07
Boy, that sounds like one needy person (family). We all need our "space". Soudns like they don't want to give you any.
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
16 Sep 07
I did have this situation a long time ago. One of my closest friends back home, her husband used to come over to our house constantly. Even if my ex-husband wasn't home, he would come over for coffee or hang out and talk while I was home. It got to the point that he would just come walking in the door like it was his place. My ex-husband had no privacy and I loved this guy like a brother truly, we were very close, but we finally had to sit him down and explain to him that we needed our privacy too and we set down parameters. That when my husband came home from work, to give us some time to relax and spend some time together and after dinner they could always come over and have coffee or something. After talking he did give us more respect for our time. At first his feelings were hurt, but his wife explained it to him after I talked to her and he was ok afterwards. I don't know, maybe you can just sit her down and explain you need time with it just being family time. Hopefully she will understand.
2 people like this
@laurika (4536)
• United States
15 Sep 07
I exactly know, what you are talking about.I have one friend, who I know for about 9 years.We meet each other on High school and staied friend till now.She is good friend, but sometimes she is so childish and when we talk to each other on the phone, she is just focus on herself.All that her speaking is like monolog.It is sometimes crazy.But right now we don't live like in the same country, so I am with her only on the phone no visiting. I undesrtand it is hard for you to tell her not to disturb you, when you have other work to do.I am not good at saying people NO either.And I know lieing is not good either, but I would probably lie and tell her I am not home.I just like my privacy and if somebody is over my house too much, it can be really disturbing and I would probably explode on her one time. I didn't help you probably, but sometimes lie is neccesary and probably better like lost a friend.
2 people like this
@carissa765 (1098)
• United States
15 Sep 07
I have had this exact problem. I just ended up telling the girl that I was not feeling well, and that almost worked. I was living with my parents, and she knew the number and called my mom. My mom lied for ever telling her I was asleep and all that nad my dad finally said she just doesn't want to talk. Because I cannot be mean to people either. It broke her heart, but at least it was him and not me that broke it to her. I would just suggest telling her that today is not a good day to hang out, and that you are not in the mood to have company, because that is really not lying. You just do't want to talk to her, right now, maybe later.
@maucute (980)
• Philippines
16 Sep 07
They can be at times or more.. I have a friend who has many friends and different connections but she doesn't seem to know that her attitude towards people is not as good as she think it is, I have to admit that it's annoying because she's being manipulative and a lot would agree to that but we won't do anything to make them aware of that then nothing would change. Like in your situation, you friend wanted to talk to you all the time or if not visit you at home, that's not bad but I know there are times that we should be able to have space on our own and the first thing to acquire that is to tell them straight. But say it in a good way that it would not affect their feelings, make them feel what she did is a bit much and that you are bothered with it.. Just don't lie, the truth may hurt but they'll understand sooner..
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
16 Sep 07
I could really relate to you. I also have a friend who was so demanding. She'd always involve me in her activities. Though she doesn't really go here at my home, she couldn't help but ask favors and expect me to honor all of her requests. This specially happens if her husband is not home (he works away). It all stopped when I learned to say 'No'. I told her I am busy with things I need to do with my life, I did it in a subtle way though, I slowly made ways to keep myself busy and made her feel I couldn't always be by her side. Like at one time she went at my house to pick me up to go somewhere, I was already dressed for another engagement, so I told her I couldn't go. There were other occasions too when she'd just drop by but I'm not home. It was by those ways that she understood she couldn't control my time. And when we do talk on the phone it was really taking up too much of my time. But I learned to tell her I needed to go. I think these people don't really intend to be a nuisance. Remember that they wouldn't know they're overstaying their welcome if you don't tell them. So do tell your friend and don't tolerate it when you yourself are not comfortable anymore. Good luck and God Bless.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
21 Sep 07
Yeah I think sometimes even friends can go too far, that you just get fed-up with them for a bit. Right now, I feel annoyed with my friend because she keeps on making fun and talking bad about the guy that I like, even if it’s just little petty things that don’t irritate others, but seem to irritate her. She could at least be supportive, as it’s a guy that her friend likes after all. If she doesn’t like the guy then at least respect me and don’t say anything bad about him in front of me. even though it may seem nothing to other people, but it does matter to me. .
@phon4u (2217)
• Laos
16 Sep 07
My friend comes and ask me for a ride to the place that they have never seen. I took them to see. They can stay at my house. They eat at my home. They went to the parties and came home late. I was patient with them.:)
• India
16 Sep 07
Good friends know when they should stay away.They know how not to irritate you.I think this supposedly friend of yours doesn't even know you properly and that explains her behavior.And i don't think she is much of a friend if she is a nuisance to you.And its time you drifted away.
• China
16 Sep 07
Luckly,I do not have this kind of friends. I am an university student now,so I don't have the experience as you.Your friend seems to be more depend on you.You can tell her frankly that you think her behavior has already disturbed your norm life or tell to her husband.Do not afraid of hurting her feeling.If she is really your best friend,she can understand you.
@imrioho (34)
• China
16 Sep 07
wah... a terrible friend indeed. I will be crazy and cry for help if I have such a friend. Well, suggest to short down the time communicate to her day by day. And you may introduce your other friend to her, reduce the time to stay with you. ^^
• Pakistan
16 Sep 07
Yes you are right about it. I have also some friends that sometimes cause problems and irritation for me but in my view Friends are such people who can not be said 'No' on any request and anything else. I think you should manage your internet timing accordingly and give some time to your friends in such a way that he/she gets satisfied. If you are confident enough, then simply say her that she sometimes disturb you and irritates you. I think she will understand if she wants to.
• Philippines
16 Sep 07
i have a friend like that who likes calling me on the phone and what's so sick about it is that she would just call to talk about her boyfriends. i don't wanna be mean to her but i dont have much time to talk about such things so i say to her that im busy and doing something, maybe she can just send me text messages about it.
• United States
16 Sep 07
hey there mystic..I know what you mean..I have had friends like that in the past,,before i lived here i lived downtown and i had some friends that always stopped over at my house..early in the morning or late at night and would stay for the whole day or night..soemtimes weekends..and liek you i was afraid to say anything becaise i didnt wanmt to hurt anyones feelings..and that lasted years,then i moved up here and then a neighbor girl started beign the same way..so i just had enough,,and told her i needed space..and to call and see if i want company..thats i need alone time and family time..and she understood better than i thought she would..so i say just be straight up with them..and not be rude..just explain u need ur space and family time..and to call for now on and ask..thats what i did and it worked fine..have a good one!