If the baby is not his

@matt24 (25)
Philippines
September 18, 2007 12:34am CST
What would you do if one of your children is not your husband's? A friend of mine who's already pregnant from another man got married to another. The child today is already 2 years old. His husband loves this child very musch yet he doesnt know its not his. My friend has been living with this secret for quite a while now. And si far, she and her husband is a happy family. sometimes though, we sit back and talk about this secret and all she feels is grateful-happy for a healthy family and haunted with this secret.
7 people like this
20 responses
@wotfpatty (2068)
• United States
18 Sep 07
As much as it will hurt, I think she should tell her husband. Someday, that child may have an illness or injury and it will come out. When my youngest son got sick a while ago, they tested both my husband and my blood and, while they didn't do DNA testing per se, they would have known if my husband was not the father. The reason I know is because I jokingly said so, did you find out that the mailman is Chris' dad? and the doctor said no, that he was a 99.4% match with my husband and that means no mailman in my life. Ha. I knew he was my husband's obviously but, if he wasn't, and he got to the point where he needed some sort of organ donation or whatever, tests would tell for sure who the father was. Can you imagine a child being sick or ill and the father finding out that way? Not only that but family history s very important. Did this child's father have a strong history of cancer? Or addiction? of some other diseases? Those are really important to know. I inherited quite a lot from my father including his deafness. He went deaf at 23, I am going deaf now. Luckily much later than him. It helped me to know what happened with him to be prepared for what will happen to me. I think it will come out and both the child and husband will feel betrayed. I wish your friend good luck whatever she does.
2 people like this
@owlwings (41860)
• Cambridge, England
18 Sep 07
I think that she should tell her husband as soon as possible because one day, even if he is not good with math, he will find out - or someone will tell him - and then he will feel betrayed. If she tells him without prompting then it will be easier to show him that she loves him and, though maybe ashamed, needs to share this with him. If he genuinely loves the child because of the relationship they have, then it should make little or no difference to them in the end (there may be some awkwardness and doubt at first, but if she tells him because she loves him, then it will work out in the end.)
2 people like this
@Sharon38 (1915)
• Jamaica
18 Sep 07
She should tell him the truth and explain how it happenned. He will be angered and lose trust if he found out another way. We have watched movies where these people have some medical problems that arise and then poof secret is out. She should be honest and tell him.
2 people like this
@SHAMRACK (8521)
• India
18 Sep 07
Hi, It has been a secret only because the reaction from her husband cannot be predicted. I hope it will be bit better to give him a hint with a made up story and to know the reaction. Still in case if this is kept long and caught by her husband I hope the situation will be more worse and may not trust her anymore. I hope it may be better to keep this secret as a secret if the family is going smoothly.
2 people like this
@weehihi (132)
• Philippines
18 Sep 07
that would be hard for the father..but truth can set you free..tell me if i'm wrong though that your friend still carries this guilt inside her heart..that's too big a secret..it weighs you down eventually...it will not be a good show when she tells her hubby bout that but if his husband really loves her and the kid, i know that he can forgive her..he will be heartbroken bt he'll come around. she jst have to expect the worse though. but then again, if she thinks it's okay not to tell the truth, then it's her decision. it's just that, truth will always come out..^_^
2 people like this
@Gemmygirl1 (2870)
• Australia
18 Sep 07
It's all well & good to have a happy & healthy family but hiding something like this from your husband doesn't show a happy family, it shows a woman hiding a pretty major secret from the person she's supposed to be 100% honest with. I think she really needs to tell her husband because he's already spent 2 years believing this child is his, when she knows it isn't. He might take it fine & be happy to continue the way things are but i would be very upset myself. Also, the child does have every right (later on) to know that his DAD isn't his REAL dad at all, so he can decide whether he wants to have a relationship with his biological dad. I know it will be hard for your friend but she cant honestly believe that hiding something like this is the way to keep a happy family, her husband needs to know so he can decide what HE wants to do. Good luck to your friend.
@owlwings (41860)
• Cambridge, England
18 Sep 07
I think that she should tell her husband as soon as possible because one day, even if he is not good with math, he will find out - or someone will tell him - and then he will feel betrayed. If she tells him without prompting then it will be easier to show him that she loves him and, though maybe ashamed, needs to share this with him. If he genuinely loves the child because of the relationship they have, then it should make little or no difference to them in the end (there may be some awkwardness and doubt at first, but if she tells him because she loves him, then it will work out in the end.)
1 person likes this
@owlwings (41860)
• Cambridge, England
18 Sep 07
(I do not understand why this appeared as a comment to someone else's response as well! That wasn't my intention.)
1 person likes this
@DrEvil (8)
• United States
18 Sep 07
Doesn't she feel guilty for keeping it a secret? Maybe her husband will understand.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 07
I think your friend should tell her husband. It's bad enough she's kept this from him for this long. If she continues to keep this secret, it's going to be much worse when she does confess it. He's going to be upset not only because the baby isn't his, but also because she kept it from him for this long. My best friend just had another man's baby a few months back. She and her husband were separated at the time, but are now together. Yes, he was hurt when he found out it wasn't his baby (she told him while she was pregnant). He thought about it for a while and eventually decided that he still wanted to be with her and would raise the baby as his own. And he wasn't just saying it to stay together either. He takes care of that little girl just as well as he takes care of the one they already had.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 Sep 07
thats tirreble. i think i cant live my life with guilt it keeps hunted me. girl, thats realy hard to decide,and i dont understand why she did that.and it make you feel guilty too seeing that guy have a popoo in his head.and you know the truth.well good luck for her.i think she need to face her fear.she need to tell to his husband i guess real love has no bounderies ifr he realy love her then he will accept it.lets facfe the reality it will be a big dissaster.but i cant live my life with guilt.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 Sep 07
Oh, how sad! She may tell you she's happy but I don't think she's totally happy. That secret will haunt her forever. For sure, she will have that fear of having the real father come out and tell his husband the truth. God forbid, what if time will come that a DNA is needed? Do you think your friend will still have a happy ending?
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
18 Sep 07
It is important for her to release this secret. It will haunt her and eat at her for the rest of her life. I know it is difficult to tell your husband such a thing,but medically if something were to happen to your child and that information was vital to her health, then it would not be a good time for husband to find out that this child is not his. What an awful secret to keep, not being mean, but it must be terrible to have that on your heart all of the time. She really should tell her husband regardless of the consequences.
1 person likes this
@aseretdd (13736)
• Philippines
18 Sep 07
I think the right time will come when your friend would have to tell the secret to her husband and child... maybe now is not that time but it will come... it is not fair to the husband and child to keep the secret forever...
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
18 Sep 07
If you are asking this question of me, i would have to say that i would not be comfortable living with such a secret...Your friend does not seem to be bothered by it...It really does not seem fair to the husband or the child but it is HER secret and only HERS to tell or not to tell....So if she chooses to unravel this mess then it will probably break up her happy home,and maybe thats why she is keeping it a secret...It would be very hurtful news and she should never have done this to began with but she did,so i don't know...I do know one thing though,this is something YOU as a friend Need to stay out of, not that you wouldn;t im just saying it will cause a BIG problem so let your friend handle that situation...I don't even think that you two should be even talking about it really....
@matt24 (25)
• Philippines
19 Sep 07
Why wouldnt we talk about it? dont you have a friend you tell your secrets to?
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
19 Sep 07
Yes i do have friends i talk things over with,but what if someone overheard you talking??Im just afraid someone might hear or someone might get a whiff and the secret will be out...I don't trust men much..I have a friend that her hubby put in a hidden speaker and found out that one time she had an affair,and it ended in divorce...just make sure you are not being heard...thats all i meant...
19 Sep 07
I don't hink I could go through with it. The guilt you must feel each and every day. It must be like having a grey cloud hanging over you every day.
@tuffy999 (794)
• Philippines
19 Sep 07
your friend should tell her husband the truth maybe not now but later on and the child should also know when he/she will be able to understand. the truth will always come out, so it's better that i will come from her.
@tholitz (1127)
• Philippines
19 Sep 07
I can't imagine why her present husband did not notice that this was not his child in the first place (I think it should be a month or more before you could know that you're pregnant). Anyway, in my opinion I think she should not tell him about this right now. It could greatly affect the current relationship and affection he have to the child. I think it is much important that the 2 year old child grow normally with the guidance and figure of a father in his side. Maybe just wait for the right time to come.
• United States
19 Sep 07
I agree with what others are saying. She needs to be honest with him. Yes, the child may need something during a sickness and find out that way, but I think from a moral standpoint she should be honest and tell her husband. I think that he would be more hurt to find out she had been lying for years if he found out from someone other than her.
@venshida (4837)
• United States
19 Sep 07
She should of being honest from day one. This secret is going to come out eventually so she should be upfront and tell him.
• United States
18 Sep 07
the child and the father need to know the truth.. if he loves the child and feels he is the childs father he wont leave it.. but its not fair to keep paternity a secret like that..to either. what happened if something medical happened.. and they needed blood or a something bodywise...
@jillbeth (2710)
• United States
18 Sep 07
Sometimes we keep secrets that haunt us, and when we finally tell, we feel better but it only can cause anguish for others. But I can understand the medical necessity of the situation. Hopefully the husband will still consider the child "his" since he has been raising the child. Surely the child considers him his father and would be harmed if the relationship were ended. Since we can't predict how the husband will react, we can only pray that it all works out in the end. My daughter is in a similar situation. She left a controlling boyfriend only to discover she was pregnant by him. She began dating another, although he was already aware she was pregnant. He is and always will be Ashley's "daddy." The biological father has shown no interest in a relationship with her and we have let it go at that. She is too young to understand yet but someday she may find out and I often wonder how that will affect her in the future.