The Green Eyed Monster
By Rozie37
@Rozie37 (15499)
Turkmenistan
October 14, 2007 3:32pm CST
I know we have all come in contact with this character at some time or another in our lives. Whether we realized it then, later on, or not at all. For me, it has been a later on type of situation. Although, I consider myself to be somewhat bright, there are times when I need a building to fall on my head, a neon sign, or someone to come right out and tell me.
Now, you all know that I live in a board and care for the mentally ill. But, I am what they consider to be high functioning. Although, I have worked hard, with God's help and guidance to make my life the best it could be, I did not see anything in my life for anyone to envy.
The Lord taught me to never envy anyone, because I do not have any idea what they had to do and go through to get where they are or what they will have to endure before leaving this earth. These are the words that I have learned to live by.
Recently, I got a new roommate. She was not new to the building, she use to be on the third floor. When she told me how she thinks one of her friends, who also use to be my friend is jealous of me, I was shocked at how angry it made me. I asked her why would she be jealous of me?
She said, because you have a computer, a phone, a stereo and a lot of friends. She went on and on and I was getting livid. I came from sleeping on a bare mattress, with beg bugs at my sister's house. It was pure hell and that isn't even close to the worst thing I have been through. So, when people start speaking of jealousy, it really makes me sick.
I have had to read countless self-help and psychology books. I had to work hard at changing my life and lifestyle and I am still nowhere close to where I want to be. But, I will tell you what I am not doing. I am not laying in bed all day crying and rolling around, feeling sorry for myself. I am not hating on people who have more than me.
I do what I can with what I have. When I want something God helps me to do what I can to get it. The difference with me is that regardless of my illness, I have dreams that I want to come true. I am not going to let anyone or anything stop me. As long as I am still alive, with God's help, I will keep working toward my goals.
My mental disorder is so bad that nobody wants to even discuss it, let alone help me. I have been living here for 2 years and have not been in therapy once. As soon as they find out my diagnosis, they refuse to treat me. I could easily use that as an excuse to give up, but God wont let me.
They wont help me, so I help myself. They do not believe that people with Borderline Personality Disorder will ever get better, I am proving them wrong. We are very hard to treat, my Heavenly Father has got that covered. Nothing and nobody is going to stop me. I rebuke that spirit of jealousy around me and I will keep going in the name of Jesus.
7 people like this
9 responses
@Margajoe (4747)
• Germany
14 Oct 07
Good for you!!!
That is great, never give up!
You are on the right track! Jesus is helping you every step of the way.
Don´t you worry to much either. People with boarderline can also have a very normal life.
Don´t tell the people around you,(neighbours and so called friends) it is none of there business. Tell it to Jesus when you are feeling down. Write it in My Lot where people can understand without judging you or Write it down for yourself, so you can feel better afterwards.
Take your bible and suddenly open it to where God brings you. And read where the Holy Spirit takes you. You will be amazed at the answers you will find in the New Testement.
You have read the self help books, read them again if that makes you feel better.
If someone wants to be jealous, so what, they are using up there positief energy. You don´t need to do that too.
Don´t try to be perfect, be yourself, learn to accept yourself. Then others will except you even more.
You said you have lots of friends, that is great, be happy.
Shall I tell you something?
Do you know there are lots of people who have boarder line and don´t even know it. It is true. You know , you have an advantage. Jesus will show you the way. Keep up the good work, you are doing just fine.
Take care and God Bless you.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
15 Oct 07
You are absolutely right. There are a lot of people that have this disorder and don't know it. The mental health professionals don't want them to know it either. I can't tell you how many times therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist have told me that the therapist I was seeing should never have told me that I have Borderline.
It was such a relief for me to finally know what was wrong with me. I was able to look up information and help myself. For so many years, I had been in agony wondering what made me so oddly different from everyone else. When I started reading about BPD, it was so accurate that I felt like God had made it up just to make me feel better.
I felt like someone had studied me my whole life and then wrote about it. But more people have BPD than Bipolar and Schizophrenia combined. It's just that no one wants to talk about BPD, they think that they can just sweep it under the rug. But that rug is getting way too lumpy. Thanks so much for your encouragement. God bless you too.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
23 Oct 07
Thank you so much for those words of encouragement. I think that I just have to learn to believe in my own self, no matter what others say. People are always treating me like I need to be fixed, but maybe all I need is to be healed. I know that I am exactly what God wants me to be at this time. I just can't convince others of that. But, on the other hand, why should I have to.
@Margajoe (4747)
• Germany
23 Oct 07
Very Good!
You don´t have to convince others.
You have to convince yourself.
Do you think these other people have a perfect life?
They never do anything silly or are sad and depressed?
Everybody goes through it.
What did Jesus say: "He who is without zin, may cast the first stone."
One by one they all walked away. Because everyone has zin.
In other words nobody is perfect.If we could be perfect our Lord Jesus would not have needed to die for our zins.
He paid the price for us all, that includes you.
So be happy, try not to worry to much.Takes away your strength.
Live your life, be your best friend. And the rest will fall into place.
Remember, you are special.
Take care, and God Bless.
Margajoe.
@faith210 (11224)
• Philippines
15 Oct 07
Hi Rozie! Okay, you have this kind of mental disorder but you know what? With what you have just said and with some of the discussions that I was able to read and participated in, I think you are one of the most honest person I have ever met somehow. You have always proven that you are truthful to yourself and to others too. I think I am very much honored to have met you here in mylot. You are right, don't let jealousy or envy be a part of you. People most of the time gets jealous even on small things, so let it not affect you. I know people can get nasty sometimes because of jealousy but as long as your consciense is pure, nothing else matters. Keep up your faith always. Take care always my friend and have a nice day.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
15 Oct 07
Thank you very much. I really enjoy having you as a friend also. I do my best to be honest. I want my test to be a testimony of God's goodness. Although, we don't always do the right things, God is still faithful and will bring us out. He is so merciful.
2 people like this
@sigma77 (5383)
• United States
15 Oct 07
You have my full support. I will say a prayer for you. One thing I have been using to ask for help is to say to myself several times a day...I open myself to my spirit's capacity to...then I add some more words like help me make decisions or help me become a better person. You can add anything you want to the end of this phrase. I hope you continue to persevere and beleive in yourself.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
15 Oct 07
Thank you so much for your encouragement. Sometimes, I wish I could just lay back and relax. But everytime I try to, something happens to force me back on my feet and I have to get moving. It has always been that way. But, it took me a long time to stop fighting and surrender to it.
I feel like if I gave up on my dreams, I would die or somehow cease to exist. So even though most of the time it looks like my dreams will never come true, I can not play in doubt for very long.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
15 Oct 07
I totally agree with faith - Rozie, you are one honest person and not afraid to share with us about who you really are :) that's what makes you so special to us Rozie, you are true to us and to yourself, now how many people are truely really like that? Not many I tell you, me included.
Green eyed monster use to be a great friend of mine and am slowly overcoming it - a lot of it has to do with my own self esteem and wanting what others had which i felt i could not have myself. A lot of it also has to do with not believing in myself and feeling like i have to be perfect in everything I do. Jealousy comes in all shapes and forms and its how we overcome it which makes us a better person. Lots of self positive talk and prayers gets me through it everytime the monster appears. One thing I have learnt from you is being true to myself, be accepting and deal with it.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
15 Oct 07
Learning to accept myself for who I am was and not care what anybody else thought, was a very hard lesson for me to learn. For many years, I could not really look at myself in the mirror. I mean, if I had a blemish or something in my eye or I could look to do my hair.
But looking and taking all of me in and really appreciating what I saw, took a really long time. I had to learn that everything about me, God had created and it was exactly the way he wanted me to be. Who was I to question what God had created and said was good.
God allows things to happen in our lives every day. Good and bad, right and wrong, he preserves us through it all. But, nothing just happens. Every little thing has been purposed by God, so we need to seach for him in all things.
Some things are a test, some are for correction, and some are for growth. We have to depend on God and fully trust in him, because only he knows the end from the beginning. I just love him so much, because without him, I know for a fact, I would be nothing.
@Sharon38 (1912)
• Jamaica
18 Oct 07
You should not listen to that friend thatt carried the news to you. Thats a gossipper and an instrument being used to destroy your God-given peace of mind. I would advise you to gently tellher that youdont want to hear when she begins her tirade. Chances are she may be the one who is jealous and just trying to rattle your shell.
Think about it and let me know what yoy honestly think of this thought. If hse cared about you as she says she does she would not have mentioned it to you.
Keep keeping on and dont let the devil steal your God-given joy! God bless.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
23 Oct 07
I do not remember whether or not it crossed my mind, but you are probably right. It may be her. She has told me that she is jealous of her younger sister. I don't think she is going to bring it up too many more times, because I get so bent out of shape when she does.
Like I said, I have never had anyone be jealous of me before and for some reason, I just don't like it at all. Maybe, because in the back of my mind I know how dangerous it can be.
@theprogamer (10532)
• United States
15 Oct 07
Keep going Rozie. Its tough, and I can barely imagine it, but I know you can do it. I know you'll pull through. You keep going and thats really something. You've also got a lot of support here too.
1 person likes this
@kodie420 (872)
• Canada
14 Oct 07
I'm sorry to hear of your illness I can only imagine how you feel or how hard it must be at times for you. I'm glad to hear your trying to better yourself even though you can't get the help you might deserve and thats amazing on how strong of a person you are but you got to understand envy and jealously are just parts of life and feelings some of us can't ignore. Don't get me wrong I'm not sticking up for that person but even me at times find myself jealous that other people I know are doing so much better then me but then I also turn around and think I could be in worst spots like you mention. The thing I don't agree with is the people who are feeling jealous or envy should not go around talking about the person they are jealous about because your right if you want a better life then you got to work towards that not just stand around complaining. Anyways now I'm just babbling so take care of yourself and good job on getting to were you have by yourself and not giving up. A lot of people will be jealous of you because you are so strong of a person! Good luck.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
14 Oct 07
But that is just what I am saying. On the outside people may look as though they have something worth envying, but you do not really know what is really going on in that persons life.
I have even had a few wake up calls here on Mylot. I have thought that people had it better than me. Then the next thing that I know, they are posting a topic saying that they have cancer or something like that. Then, I end up feeling like crap for being jealous of them.
1 person likes this
@Flight84 (3048)
• United States
17 Oct 07
I had a friend that told me she was jeaous of me once, just because my husband and I are building a house. I mean, like she was crazy jealous of my life. My life is nothing spectacular, but I am happy. My husband and I work hard for all we have and we will continue to have to work hard to have our house. What is the point of jealousy? No one knows what a person has to do or has done to get to where they are. Jealousy is such a petty emotion, you know? I believe life is what you make it. It may not be perfect, but it really won't be any better is someone wants to spend all their time envying everyone around them!
