Babies or no babies?

United States
October 16, 2007 4:12pm CST
What would you do if your spouse or partner wanted to have babies and you didn't ,Or if you want a baby and your spouse or partner didn't?For me I never wanted children so I would let him go and become the parent he wants to be, in truth he wasn't the right guy for me if he wants children.what would you do/
5 people like this
20 responses
@gradyslady (4054)
• United States
16 Oct 07
I had that problem with my ex, he didn't want kids but I did. We always talked about getting married and everything, but he absolutely did not want children. That's not the reason why we're not together anymore, but it is one of the reasons why I chose to stay away from him. My current boyfriend does want kids, and I really feel like he is the one so I really see it happening to us.
4 people like this
• United States
16 Oct 07
That is great.I am glad you found someone who wants babies. I wish you a happy healthy baby.
2 people like this
• Canada
16 Oct 07
My husband and I agreed about children long before we even got married. He has children from a previous marriage, and they are enough for us. I do not want to give birth, and he does not want any more children. This works for us.
3 people like this
• United States
16 Oct 07
Yep, my husband and I talked about it before marriage. We decided we wanted 2 children if possible. He was married before but didn't have children. We also decided on what we would teach our children BEFORE we had them. Religion, holiday myths (Santa, Easter Bunny, etc) I think anyone getting into a serious relationship should talk about these wishes before committing to one another. It works out better in the long run. PS..I didn't want to give birth, either..lol
• United States
16 Oct 07
Saigonwarrior, forgive me for prying, did you have the two children or did you adopt?
2 people like this
@youless (104238)
• Guangzhou, China
17 Oct 07
I have friends who choose to have no baby. They want to have more freedom, I think. There is not right or wrong to have a baby or not. It depends on different people. In my opinion, I still think it's better to have a baby for a couple and therefore the family seems to be perfect.
3 people like this
• United States
17 Oct 07
If the couple isn't perfect without a baby, the baby won't make them perfect.You shouldn't have a baby just to make the relationship perfect. You should have a baby because you Both want a baby.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Oct 07
It would be a dealbreaker. I've always wanted to be a dad, and I WILL be a dad, with or without her. I don't understand how someone couldn't want to have children/babies at at least SOME point in their lives. Luckily for me, my girlfriend wants children as well - not until we spend some time as just a married couple, double income no kids, hanging out with each other, first, but she does want kids nonetheless.
• United States
17 Oct 07
You don't have to have kids. And it would be tragic to force someone to have kids if they don't want them. And it would be just as tragic to not have kids when you really want them.
2 people like this
@jillhill (37377)
• United States
17 Oct 07
That is a good additude. Let him go find someone that shares his needs. I personally always wanted kids. I would have dumped someone who didn't want them as it was one of my dreams...to be a mom.
3 people like this
• United States
17 Oct 07
The person you are meant to be with will want kids.
2 people like this
• United States
16 Oct 07
That would definitely be difficult in a relationship. In my current relationship, both of us are fairly undecided about having kids. Somedays, we both think it would be great to have kids, but other days, we really just want to never have to worry about all of the stuff that comes along with kids. I worry a little that by the time my fiance wants to have kids, I will be too old to have kids, but hopefully if that comes about, we will be able to work it out.
3 people like this
• United States
16 Oct 07
It aint over til it is over. There are women in their 50's giving birth. But if it biologically too late, you can always adopt.
2 people like this
@wotfpatty (2066)
• United States
17 Oct 07
I wouldn't have married a man who didn't want children because I did and I knew even when I was very young that kids had to be part of my life. If my husband, who is older than I and already had a young daughter when we met, told me he was done having kids, I would not have assumed he would have changed his mind later. I just wouldn't have married him because, as much as I loved him, I would have been miserable without having children and miserable fighting with him to change his mind. If we divorced today and I met a guy I cared about and he wanted his own kids, I wouldn't commit to him because at 43, I am DONE. I could have another child but I don't want one. Not even for love. My sons are 21 and 17 and I am very happy to be where I am in life. I would not commit to the guy and let him find someone who was as eager to have kids as he was. My sister married a man when she already had 2 kids. He desperately wanted kids and she somewhat led him to believe she would have another one. She never did and he will never have a child of his own. They now have grandchildren and he lights up when those little guys are around. I feel so sorry that my brother in law never had kids of his own. My sister was selfish but he was committed and didn't leave. Anyway, I think you really have to talk about whether you want kids or not and be sure you both agree one way or the other before committing to one another or life will be miserable for at least one of you.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Oct 07
Your sister is very lucky that her husband stayed.I believe if you want child , you should have them. And if you don't , you shouldn't. No one should be pressured into changing their mind, it should be a mutual decision either way.
1 person likes this
@wotfpatty (2066)
• United States
19 Oct 07
My sister's marriage is awful. I don't know if it because of the whole kids/no kids thing or just because it is awful but they shouldn't even be together at this point. They have been together for a long time and every year, it's worse. But I agree. If you want kids, have them. If you don't, don't. And no one should be forced to do otherwise. I do feel for people who want kids and can't conceive but luckily there are other ways to have kids besides the traditional way.
1 person likes this
@isaiah12 (417)
• United States
17 Oct 07
I always wanted to have children. When I married luckly the man I married wanted kids. We had two beautiful daughters. Unluckly the marriage did not last. When my youngest daughter was one we divorced. From then on I raised my two daughters by myself. They are both adults who I am very proud of. And I am now a grandmother of two. I could not see marring someone who did not want kids. That would have been a subject that would have made or broken the relationship. I would not have given up my dream to have children for anyone. In the end if you don't do what you deep down desire, then years from now you will be suffering with the "What ifs" and "If only I had".
2 people like this
• United States
17 Oct 07
I couldn't agree with you more. You have to follow what is in your heart and find a partner that agrees with your vision of life, with or with out kids.
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
17 Oct 07
If you are not married, you should let him go. He can then go on to find someone else since he wants to be a parent and you do not. It would be best to find a man who does not want babies. I guess this also means that you would not want to adopt an older child, like a young boy or girl when you are older. I know some people do not like babies, but they do adopt older kids and teenagers. If you are married, that does seem a problem, since I do not believe in divorce unless he is cheating, so you may have to stick with him and think about adopting an older child past ten or so who is an almost adult. So it is best if you are not married, to find someone else who is like you. Oh and you have to make sure, sometimes guys say what you want them to say to get them to accept your proposal and then later on, you find someone different. My husband was not as enthusiastic about me getting pregnant and would make sure that the times we made love did not produce any. It was only at my insistence that I felt something was medically wrong with me that I could not conceive, but we had to adopt anyway. He did not want me to think it was my fault. So this is from the perspective of a wife wanting to get pregnant and a husband not wanting her to.
• United States
17 Oct 07
If I were the marrying kind, I would inform my husband to be that there will be no children.Period. If he wants children , he shouldn't marry me.I don't want babies or older children.If he agrees just to marry me and thinks he can change me mind, he is so mistaken.I f he all of a sudden says he wants kids, I'll leave.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13650)
• United States
17 Oct 07
For a long time I wanted children then I found out that I couldn't have any. When I met Hubby he made it clear that he didn't want any. We did foster care for 2 years and actually came close to adopting a little girl. It fell through and I decided that was it for me. I'm happy with my cat and that's just how it's gonna be for us. !!HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
2 people like this
• United States
17 Oct 07
I am glad everything worked out.
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4140)
• Malaysia
17 Oct 07
I have 3 sons and I dont have a daughter. My husband says it is enough but I want a little girl. I tried to talk to him about having another try for a girl but he refused. So, I think if I cannot have my own flesh and blood daughter, I guess I will think of another option i.e adopting. Whether he likes it or not, it going to be my decision and my responsibility, period.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Oct 07
Good luck with the adoption.
1 person likes this
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
18 Oct 07
Hello sarahruthbeth22!:-) You may disagree with me strongly here but I don't put much emphasis on material matters that much. I prefer to side with my partner in things that I don't think much important to me. It doesn't mean that children aren't an important issue but it's not that crucial for which I would like to part with my partner. I don't now what I would do if such a disagreement is 'actually' there between me and my partner as I have found that on all major issues we think alike and there hasn't been an event where we strongly differed in a way that wouldn't be acceptable to other partner. It doesn't mean that we don't have difference of opinions but they aren't like end of the world, not at all. In fact, nothing of that sort have been between us. I guess, I do will voice my opinion that I would think is a better thing to do but I suspect that I'll respect my partner's wish about it. My partner is much more precious to me than my ego or my desires or my 'material self'. Perhaps I don't understand the gravity of the situation at the moment, probably because such a thing have never been in our relationship. There was a point when she suggested something and I suggested delaying it and she accepted without any problem. Similarly there are things that I thought differently and my partner suggested otherwise and I accepted again without any problem. Thngs have never become a point of contention between us. I am sorry if I am not the most qualified, owing to my lack of experience, to answer this question. But, whatever I said, I said honestly!
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Oct 07
It isn't about the material self.It is about knowing your self to know what you will and won't do.I can understand if you don't care either way but most of us either want kids or don't.The problem is assuming that your partner will agree with you, especially if you marry.Both choices are correct, there isn't a wrong choice.Just as long as you and your partner agree.
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
19 Oct 07
I agree!:-)
1 person likes this
@lpetges (3036)
• United States
17 Oct 07
probly would have discussed that before we were married., but having children is a natural part of marriage, or not, and wanting them, well it happens to people at different times in your life, so maybe at some point you would both be willing to be parents. if your heart is not in it at the moment then i would wait. there are so many children born that are not wanted, and yet so many that cant be born because they cannot concieve. its a hard call but either way, id say you both need to want it.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Oct 07
Having children isn't a natural part of marriage anymore. I guess there were times where the only reason to marry was to have children, but not anymore.If you can't conceive, you still can be married.And there are so many full, happy marriages without children, by choice or not. It is all up to the couple.
@lpetges (3036)
• United States
18 Oct 07
well i think i meant to say that after you marry sometimes you automatically think about a family,, of course you dont have to be married to have kids, but i just meant that it comes up,, and hopefully you discuss this very important topic before you even think of spending your life with another person to make sure your on the same page. and of course people change their minds once they are married, and it could go either way.., but like i said it really is a great thing when both people want to have a child, and not just one of you.. it makes things easier regarding blame and unhappiness later in life. thats all....
@laurika (4536)
• United States
22 Oct 07
That is really hard to tell.I never was in situation like this so I can only quess what i would do.I think if you love somebody i am not sure I weould be so strong enough to let him go, just becuase he doesn't want kids.But at the end I would probably, becuase I am sure we would have a lot of fight about it and it would be just only depressing for both us.Very interesting discussion by the way.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Oct 07
Thank you.
@MsTickle (25136)
• Australia
21 Oct 07
It's such an important subject I think you need to air your feelings early in a relationship. Not that you wold be discussing having children as a couple in the early days but just as a matter of opinion. If you wait till you are involved and he does while you don't well, there's no compromise is there?
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Oct 07
Unfortunately there isn't a compromise.It is one of the issues you need to agree upon.I agree you shouldn't be talking about children on a first, second or even a third date. But as soon as it becomes serious, you should ask the important questions about your views on marriage and children and see if you agree.
@eden32 (3975)
• United States
18 Oct 07
That was one of many factors in my last relationship ending. We had 2 children together, that he agreed to but was never really into being a Dad. He definitely didn't want more. I maybe could have accepted only having two, although I always wanted a big family but I couldn't accept that he wasn't more involved with the children we chose to have. As you said, he just wasn't the right guy for me nor was I the right woman for him.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Oct 07
Don't answer this if it is too personal,did you find the right mate? Did you have more children?Or are you still looking?
@meanangel (167)
• United States
17 Oct 07
Even if you think a person is the love of your life you have to let them go if your views are so different on something like children. You have to be happy with yourself and if you change your views for another person you end up hating the person you are for it. If you let the person go there is more of a chance at having that person as a friend instead of breaking up and hating eachother.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Oct 07
Exactly.You could remain friends.Neither one of you has to change , you just have to find the right person. And the right person will agree to have or not to have children.
• India
17 Oct 07
Well, if both of you have to live togother, then you should have to agree on this one at least. It should both be yes or both no. A relationship cannot work otherwise
@lucky_witch (2710)
• Philippines
17 Oct 07
WEll, in case like that, communcation really matters, someone must give in. If you really dont want it, and he wants it... then i guess you are right that it would be better if you just let go of each other rather than forcing yourself to do or to have something that you cant take to have. At least you talk... and settle things.
1 person likes this
• India
17 Oct 07
Well, if both of you have to live togother, then you should have to agree on this one at least. It should both be yes or both no. A relationship cannot work otherwise.