I wish I can run away from everything
By HomeFlower
@HomeFlower (987)
Canada
October 16, 2007 8:16pm CST
I had a very bad day talking with my mom.
She's constantly telling me about the "family" - how wonderful they are; who's married to who; their degrees, their jobs; their beautiful EVERYTHING...and then she pounds the crap out me and my unmarried kids.
She makes little remarks that hurt.
Again tonight I mentioned that she shouldve been more willing to help learn about our sons disorder and at least try to help me along the way but she said she told me the way to "fix" him is to pray and ask God to help. I have done just that many, many times and it didn't work so I stuck to the medical help that was available to us. She snapped, "you're the one that believes in medicine and doctors, I DON'T"
So a bit later in the conversation she starts again to talk about family and kids and how if my kids don't reproduce, .... bla bla bla .... and it went further downhill from there when I said I don't believe everyone needs to reproduce and that I hope our kids never do.
By the time I hung up the phone, I was in tears.
I have no family other than my mom, my husband and our two kids. The fact that I have family all over the world means absolutely nothing to me stuck here on my own with no close ties or relations. I thought by marrying a man with many siblings, I would have a new family nearby to bond with and share life's joys with - but that didn't turn out to be the case.
Every so often, when mom berates my sons disability or ignores it altogether, it pushes me out there on my own even further. Even when I tell her how alone I am, or how alone I feel, she doesn't stop.
She's a God fearing, religious women but why is she so oblivious to reality?
7 people like this
11 responses
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
17 Oct 07
I am sorry to say this, but no one has a right to judge you, not even your mother. You say she is a God fearing and religious woman, well, God fearing and religion don't include berating and hurting someone you love. Judgment is reserved for God and God alone to decide. She has no right to tell you how to live your life, how your children should live theirs. You are doing the best you can with what God has given you. If she can't see that, it is her problem not yours. She needs to read her scripture a little better and realize that she is in no way perfect and her berating and judging and heartless behavior is neither Christian nor motherly. The Lord doesn't compare any of us against one another because we are ALL created equal in Gods eyes. She really needs to do some soul searching. You need to stand strong against this. I am sorry that you don't have the family you so long for, but we are dealt the cards we are dealt, sometimes we get a full house and sometimes we don't. You have a husband and lovely c hildren, that is your family. Seek out friends who are supportive of you and make them your family if you can't find the support you need from your relatives. Family doesn't necessarily have to be blood relations.
3 people like this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
I think I should focus more on what makes her like she is. I suspect she harbors blame for my childs condition but doesn't really want to admit that it's there. Maybe she thinks if she ignores it, it will go away.
She has gone as far as to say how handsome he is and then she'll start crying that he "isn't alright" - in the same breath she'll offer suggestions on how to get him married so he can become a husband and father.......
Yipes!
Like I said earlier - maybe I need to learn more about her to find out why she tosses such pain on me.
@ann168 (111)
• United States
23 Oct 07
Hi HighHlower,
Thank you for resyour response. I think you number one focus is on your family, your son. Your mom is part of your life but it is not necessary to be in the center. If she asks you just tell her that she did hurt your feeling and you are not deserved it. Not every one succeed in life. I have high expectations in life and in my children too. I also a high achiever but still I learnt from my children. I was very sad when my first born did not take my advice and now she is struggling with her life. can't go through her but I still love her as my first born. When she needs me I will be thre for her even we never agree on anything. SHe knows I love her but it is hard for her to accept my advice. Then later she learned fromher mistake and she admitted that she was wrong. I just laughed at her and said I said so but you want to try the hard way then be my guest.
YOu need more than just talk. If she insists that she can't give you the support then just let her be. You have your own life and your problem now, you don't need more headache. My mom used to do it to me too even she loves me but she liked to listen to my sister than me. SO I told her I do love her but I don't accept that kind of behavior because I am her daughter too. SHe just can't forget that. Write a letter to her let her know that she hurt you badly and what you need is a mother's support not critics. Life is short and you need her to show her love in different approach just like a normal mother does. Love and support that's all you need.
Take care.HUGS for you.
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
17 Oct 07
I'm so sorry sweetheart that you are going through pain like this. It sounds to me like your mom is more afraid of "the unknown" than she wants to admit. She sounds also like she is being stubborn and spiteful to cover up her fear. She more than likely doesn't want to face the reality of what is going on. And sometimes those types of people are the hardest to deal with. If you haven't already, you might want to get some kind of information either from the library, or if you have medical information from the doctors use that, and make copies of it and leave it with your mom so that she can read it in her own time. And as for her putting you down, you probably need to kindly but firmly tell her to cease and desist immediately. I know that might be hard for you to do since it's your mom, but sometimes tough love is what it takes. Again, I'm so sorry for your pain hon. I wish I could do something to ease it for you. All I can do is send you my love and lots of big warm hugs. Good luck with mom sweetie. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
3 people like this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
Thanks Katlady2,
She (mom) may be frightened. I'm the only offspring who has children and for her to find out they (quite possibly) aren't having kids of their own seems to be devastating for her.
Our daughter has no intention of having kids because of her experience living with someone suffering from this disorder. She has said for years that she will not bring a new life into this world knowing there's a strong possibility of them having this. She also knows she will inherit responsibility of her brother if something happens to us.
I'm sure that scares her to bits.
There's so much I haven't told mom and so much I'll never be able to say.
@ssh123 (31073)
• India
17 Oct 07
Moms dream a lot about their children. They get disappointed when their children fail to live upto their expectation. Children fail to understand this. She is highly selfish to that extent otherwise she is selfless, dedicated woman, try to do her best to help the children. The problem of children is sometimes or most of the time, they cannot be high achievers. All cannot be same. First and foremost fault of a person is to compare her children with others. No one should do this. Allow each one to develop according to their capacity and let them do their best.
1 person likes this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
Mom was a high achiever and produced two high achievers. We're all very driven to succeed but she views my children as failures.
The one who is college educated, earns a very decent living and takes excellent care of herself, doesn't measure up. Neither does the one who despite all odds, and with a serious mental disability, completed high school, held full time employment and even now, can take fairly good care of himself.
I guess sometimes, we fail in our parents eyes no matter what we achieve.
1 person likes this
@ssh123 (31073)
• India
24 Oct 07
There are types of parents:
1. Those parents expect that their chlldren should perform better than them and come in life better than others, especially should stand tall among the relatives and friends. When this does not happen, they feel disappointed and this disappointment is shown in the form of displeasue towards the children.
2. There are parents who do no expect anything from their children, only want them to come up in life, give them good education and do not make any comments on their children's performance.
3. There are parents who do not do anything at all.
@surfette (673)
• United States
17 Oct 07
Dear Homeflower,
I'm sending you a big hug! Even though mom's can be wonderful, they can be very hurtful sometimes. Every mom wishes perfection for her family, no illness, no struggles, no hardship. However, your mom seems to be hiding behind her religion rather than practicing the kindness and understanding that comes along with being a "God fearing" woman.
Maybe she thinks that you've done something wrong and that God is punishing you in some way. If that's the case, she's very mistaken because God doesn't work that way. Or maybe in her own way, she's afraid that her genetics might have contributed to your son's problem so she just wants to ignore it and make it go away. In either case, she's being mean and hateful and I have a hard time calling her a religious woman. If you really think that she doesn't realize what she does to you emotionally, then you just have to consider that and work around the conversation to totally different topics. If she gets some kind of satisfaction from belittling you, then shame on her. She's the one that is losing out.
I know it's very hard sometimes when you love your mom and they still seem to drive you nuts. My suggestion is to just back off a little and let her figure out just how much you mean to her and want you in her life. Maybe her minister or a good friend could counsel her. Her heart seems to be empty and her eyes shut, and they need to be opened.
Take care and let your husband and children embrace you with their love and them with yours. Hope it all works out with your mom, but if not, you have your own loving family close at heart.
2 people like this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
Wow! You have such insight into the situation. It's as if you are my best friend and confidant that has been part of my life forever.
I'm very impressed!
Yes, she has actually said that I'm being punished and that God is trying to find ways to bring me to my knees and worship Him. I've never been able to follow that logic and that is part of our deep set problem.
You're right though, her eyes are shut but I can't agree that her heart is empty. I think her heart is full, not of a mothers love for her child but rather of resentment for me.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
24 Oct 07
For some reason she doesn't or can't hear you.Does your husband understand how you feel, especially after your mother calls?I hope so.it sounds like you should distance your self from her.Maybe just maybe she will hear you if she is the one to call you or have to make the first step.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
24 Oct 07
Whew. I am so glad your husband understands.You are not alone as long as you have him and the children.
1 person likes this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
24 Oct 07
Usually my husband knows something is going on. For years he'll ask if I talked to my mom, whenever I suddenly get into a mood. Then after I start crying and complaining, he usually just holds me and tells me things will get better.
I think she's just getting more cranky because she's alone too - except for her friends that she doesn't really like anymore.
1 person likes this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
24 Oct 07
It's good to know he's my one constant in life.
1 person likes this
@caroliewrites (205)
• United States
17 Oct 07
Hello Homeflower,
My heart is breaking for you and for your mom, and the joy she is missing. I am a Mom to four grown children, two boys and two girls, and a grandma, (very young looking of course...lol) to nine wonderful grandchildren. One of my grandchildren, now eleven, was born with severe brain damage and ceasure disorder, and has been in special classes ever since. She's the apple of my eye. I also have, by a younger daughter, a grandson with Autistic Spectrum Disorder, he is now seven...also the apple of my eye. As a matter-of-fact these two special, beautiful children inspired me to go into teaching special education, I have never regretted it. Your mom has missed so much. You didn't say what is wrong with your son, it dosen't matter...your mom should have been right there beside you, loving and learning from you and your son. How sad. For you, for your son and especially for her. Maybe you could send this to her, although I doubt it would help....you're either 'FAMILY' or you're not. Now, look to your husband and to your children. In doing so you can change the future dynamics of your future family. I did. In that way you are definitely pioneers, and changing the world for the better along the way. Good luck.
2 people like this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
Mom has indeed missed so many things along the way. Our son has Asperger's, which as you probably know, is part of the high functioning spectrum of Autism.
Sure, life is different for them but there are moments when they seem just like everyone else and you look into their bright smiling faces and hope that moment can last forever. It doesn't but that's not to say it's not something to build on.
Life has been a trip.
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
Thanks gabs
I haven't talked to her since that day and am going to hold out until my anger and sadness passes.
@jeanniemay (1798)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
wow! I have same experiences as you do. Well, their are no school for parents. Experiences have laid too much aches in them. We can only negotiate our situation and let them feel our generation.
We just have to listen to them so that they will soon run of words to say. Try it!
1 person likes this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
24 Oct 07
I will listen to her and try to express myself more calmly. She'll eventually see my side, yes?
@Dinazad (4)
• Brunei Darussalam
18 Oct 07
Just let it pass, when she scolds or berates or compares you to others. She is maybe having issues of her own, like a lack of self-esteem. Perhaps, instead of being hard on yourself because of her overbearing manners, help your mother to develop her own self-esteem by commenting on how nice her hair looks or how thoughthful she is by praying for your son or by calling you on the phone, etc. Be patient with your mom and, of course, be good to yourself.
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
OK, I'll try that again.
I'm patient with her and try very hard to be good to her and so does my husband. It's just amazing how quickly I can lose my composure when she starts to rip into my life.
I'll try harder.
@annieo24 (27)
•
17 Oct 07
Hi homeflower I understand how hard it is not getting on with a 'close' family member its very upsetting. Try not let this get you down and just keep telling yourself that your a grown woman now with you own little family. My mum is also out of touch with reality and we no longer speak which makes me sad but also a weight off my shoulders. Constantly getting put down and telling me I dress my kids like tramps hhmmmmm nice mum. If its really difficult to deal with then sometimes a little break away helps alot. I hope things get better for you.
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
I think that's the problem with some mothers; they just don't realize that we are grown ups with families of our own and ideals that are different from theirs.
I haven't spoken to her since that day and it's really bothering me because her birthday is coming up. She knows that's going to force me to talk to her and she's going to use it as a weapon against me.
@allenmatt (37)
• United States
18 Oct 07
Your mom sounds like a cold woman. I can kinda relate to where you are coming from, my husband and our 2 kids moved to a city where we have no friends and no family. It sucks! But I have really learned to appreciate my husband and our boys because I have learned by being away from my family and friends that they suck and the only people I can really count on are my husband and our kids. When you don't live very close to people you quickly see how fast they phase you out of their lives. As for your mom I think you need to give her a choice of being a supportive part of you and your families lives or not being a part of your lives at all. Best of luck!
1 person likes this
@HomeFlower (987)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
Sometimes my friends are so much more "family" that it's sad on so many levels. It doesn't take long to realize the people who are blood relations will forget about you faster than anyone else you encounter.... how weird and pathetic eh?
