What would you do ???

United States
October 23, 2007 7:02am CST
Ok my wife and I separated for about three weeks and recently got back together.. But now I found out that she was screwing my friend ( well used to be ). Her excuse is that I was never around. And while that is true, it was because I was working trying to get us a little ahead. Now I wonder should I kick her butt back to the curb or try to forgive and forget. I should probably also mention that this thing with my friend started before we separated and was not the reason for it.
7 people like this
31 responses
23 Oct 07
My first thought would be to kick her out. However, have you tried to sit down and have a conversation and discuss all the issues here? Perhaps she felt neglected, perhaps you felt you had to work so hard, did you try to talk to each other.
@cher913 (25862)
• Canada
23 Oct 07
well it depends on a) how much you love her and b) how much you want to make this marriage work and c) if you think she will do it again - was it a one time thing?
2 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22920)
• United States
23 Oct 07
Oohhh hell no! So you guys seperated for a completely different reason and you are now finding out that BEFORE you seperated she was having an affair with your friend?? Damn I have to say my FIRST reaction would be to kick my husbands butt the hell out of my house! THEN I'd want to get to the truth and get all the facts I needed in order to come to a final decision...but I can tell you right now I would NOT be inclined to just let it go...but thats me....and I readily admit that I have trust issues to begin with so that'd be a HUGE factor in my decision..
2 people like this
@uath13 (8204)
• United States
23 Oct 07
Without knowing the specifics of your situation I'd have to say that if it happened to me she'd be on the curb & my friend in the hospital.
1 person likes this
@shonna (12)
• United States
23 Oct 07
I dont believe once a cheater always a cheater.. people can change and do things that they regret later. Maybe there was a lack of communication and her heart was missing something. If you can find it in your heart to forgive her thats great but if you will always throw it in her face or bring it up over every little remark, its time to let go. If shes willing to deal with you knowing her every move for the next year or two or however long shes truely sorry. But if not cut the ties now and dont drag it on have clear cut rules that need to be made so your not made a fool of
2 people like this
• Philippines
23 Oct 07
I believe that your wife is craving your attention because she is sexually active. Her mind couldn't settle down for the sake of the family, rather, she wanted to be warmth by the embrace and it happened to your friend since that friend of yours is always around in your house and he knew that your wife is needing attention and care which you didn't give her due to your work. This is a difficult situation for trust. You can give her a shocking reality to make her senses come back. If this will not work out look for another whom you can trust.
• Canada
23 Oct 07
Dump her a$$ and your friend's too
1 person likes this
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
23 Oct 07
Holy cow!! Another proof of my belief that 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. But may I ask, how much do you really love her? Do they have a past together (your wife and your friend)? I mean, were they ex-partners? Is your friend married? If you would ask me, I'll just let her be with my friend. Goodness, this thing happened when you were still together, and then when you separated; what is your assurance that it won't happen again? You just have to move on without her in your life. Easier said than done but I believe this is simply the best that you have to do.
1 person likes this
@nyumix (1659)
• Belgium
23 Oct 07
If I were you I would probably kick her and will not forgive her for any reason at all. She should understand that you are working for the family not for fun. Especially since she started before you separated.
1 person likes this
@MarkyB21 (1545)
24 Oct 07
I don't think I could forgive either of them for that. I'd divorce her on the grounds that she had an affair and I'd lose all contact with that 'friend'.
@prazad (281)
• India
24 Oct 07
According to me you better forgive her and start a new relation. Not only she but some time you also may behave wrongly so at that time she also my forgive you, any way happy life of parters are mainly depend how much you adjust !
@rimsha (806)
• Pakistan
24 Oct 07
I am studing economics.
@eyewitness (1577)
• Netherlands
24 Oct 07
I would say kick her butt,because there are no excuses for cheating.She could have ended your relation before going with someone else. You will never feel that you can trust her again because of what she did.
@ur_jek (3)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
if you still love your wife then you should accept her again and forgive her but if u do not love her anymore then i think you both should move on with your separated lives.
@plumwish07 (4059)
• Indonesia
24 Oct 07
my dear friend, i m so sorry to hear those kind things. have you talked to her personaly and talk about everything? what she like and dislike, also what you like and dislike? how was the situation while you both separate each other? did she seem need and contact you? after comparing those kind, you will able to determine good decission. thats true, dear that a wife needs attention and caring from her husband. not only loking for money, although you looking for money for your better life with her. i was same on her. i separated with my husband with same reason what your wife told to you. while our separating, we got introspection each other and realizing that actually we made each other. now, after those separating, he more caring to me while he still looking for additional earning to get us in better condition
• South Korea
24 Oct 07
People are asking you how much do you love her? I don't get it, how can your wife keep on cheating on her husband and some will ask me how much do I love her, this is no longer about love, because she doesn't love you as her husband for that reason I will kick her out of my life.
• United States
24 Oct 07
this does not sound like a very healthy relationship..but it depends on if you can still trust her in the future and if she is willing to change her attitude of screwing anyone but you..this relationship could be saved but i think you both have to do some "soul searching" to ask yourself is this marriage worth all the aggravation? maybe yes maybe no..but i have been married before and know that once this has gotten to infidelity on both or either parts there is a slim chance you will have a healthy marriage...if you are serious in trying to make a go of it you should get a marriage counselor...sometimes they advise couples to not stay married..as that is what happened to me get someone you both agree on...it helps.
• United States
24 Oct 07
Hmm... quite a predicament you are in! Let's see... *ponders* I guess part of the bigger question is: Can a marriage survive when someone within it has extraciricular activites beyond the confines of it? That totally depends on the people within it. I guess if I were in your situation, I'd want to know if he was the only one that she had... interacted with during the marriage-- first. I'd say that is highly unlikely depending on the amount of time you have been married. Cheaters seldomly get caught the 'First' time, I'm afraid. The second thing I'd consider would be the length of marriage to the number of separations within it. If you have been married for 10+ years, only been separated once, well-- that's not too bad. If you've been married 6 months, been separated 9 times--that's a bigger issue! You say that the time out wasn't due to the affair, what was that about? Is it because she wasn't seeing you enough or was it because of money issues? Was it because you were both unhappy? The root of the separation is another key element in deciding what is best for you. Do you have children? If so, how old are they? Have you all been staying together for the sake of the children? If so, that's not reason to stay together, not really. They know when a couple is unhappy, they pick up on the stress of the household. And, unfortunately, they probably know that Momma entertains when Daddy's not around. That's a toxic mess! Just wait til they become teenagers! That's fuel to teen angst! With all that considered, I'd ask myself if I REALLY loved her. Is this someone I want to grow old with? Is this someone I TRUST? If not, do I see that I can build that trust again? If you think you will NEVER trust her again, then walk away. What IS marriage when there is no trust? It's a painful and angry union that only hurts those within it. Now, because you have just gotten back together... What made that happen? Did you talk things out? Were there promises and conditions? What inspired the reunion? Was there something that brought you back together? If so, what was it and why? A marriage CAN be pulled from the fire but only if the couple are totally honest with each, if they REQUIRE open communication, and (the hardest of all) the past can be forgotten. Things from 1989 can't be brought up when there's a mess up. Things from 3 months ago can't be brought up. To forgive is to REALLY forgive. That's a tricky part that most of us get hung up on due to the whole trust factor issue. As for your friend, he's an idiot. Obviously your friendship meant nothing to him. BUT~ SHE is the one with the ring on her finger. SHE is the one who made promises to you with the wedding vows. With all that, what does your gut tell you? That little voice inside your head. If it says, "gotta-go!", then do. If it says, "One more chance... Need to because_______", then listen to it even if everyone around you tells you that you are an idiot for it. YOU know the situation better than anyone. YOU know her better than anyone too. Her excuses like "I never get to see you, you were always working"-- prime example of tossing the responsibility of her action. That is NOT to say that was the reason she did it. She may have done that to get back at you for your absence, she may have been bored and it was something to do, or she might have thought it would be exciting for a man beyond her husband telling her how great she is--how wonderful she was--- how she was desirable and attractive!I don't know. She does. There ARE therapists who are good at helping people to communicate. If you decide to try one more time, I'd CERTAINLY suggest seeing one. I have little doubt you are angry because of her affair. I also have little doubt she is pissed you are working so much. There has to be an middle ground. A therapist might help you find it. Love ISN'T enough sometimes, but sometimes it makes mountains into molehills. A terrible situation CAN make a couple stronger--depending on the people within it. It takes two people in a marriage giving all the time, going out of their way for their mate, it is a give/take big time. Partners should be each other's best and closest friends. Without that friendship, things go wrong fast. We go out of our way for our friends but seldom stop to think how much a role friendship plays in marriage. It HAS to be there otherwise you are roomates with benefits. That grows sour fast. Good luck to you, sounds like you have your hands full! Think about it, you will come up with the right thing.
@men82in (1270)
• India
24 Oct 07
Try to keep up your friends' presence with you whenever he is free by the ways of shopping and gettogetherness. Try to be yourself present in the home whenever time permits apart from office or professional timings. Also keep communicting with your friend always to avoid misfires and ego's.
• United States
23 Oct 07
KICK HER A@@ TO THE CURB DOWN THE STREET !!!!!!!!!!!! No one deserves to be treated like that and as far as your friend let them two have eachother my fiancee works hellish hours from 1pm to after midnight and I would never cheat on him and we only see eachother twice a week because I work also. So let her go you can and deserve better than her.
@MH4444 (2161)
• United States
23 Oct 07
That is so wrong. Wow, I would be peeved. I think that's it's not about forgive or not. You can't trust that person now. I'd say it's not going to be happy for you if you tolerate disrespect. Be cool about it and all. Just let the person know that the trust is gone and the future can't happen without it.