Am I wrong?

@carol_m (709)
Philippines
October 24, 2007 5:05am CST
I had been supporting my youngest sister go through college, i.e., tuition fees, allowances, projects, room rentals, etc. Prior her enrollment last June, we made an agreement that I'll give what she wants on one condition -- no boyfriend until she graduates, and that the moment I would hear news about her going out with her bf, all the financial support Im giving her would stop -- and she agreed. A very petty agreement, they say. However, on the duration of the first semester (June to October), I heard rumors, twice, that she's still dating her bf. I talked to her about that and reminded her of the agreement we had. Again, she said yes, she would break up with her bf and not to go out with him anymore. The issue would have been settled right then and there. But, around a month ago, my mother called me with a news that my sister eloped with her bf. And that was it! I was really so angry with her that I told my parents I wouldn't be supporting her anymore since that's what she wanted. And until now I still stand with what I had said. Now, I was a bit guilty of depriving my sister the bright future she could have if I would still continue supporting her studies. Am I wrong in what I did? Or you would agree with me, that she deserve this?
3 people like this
27 responses
@shadowing (309)
• Malaysia
24 Oct 07
Hi Carol_M. Sorry but I would like to ask, "Why?" I mean it's not something wrong or bad to concern about your sister but then what makes you set the agreement-- No Boyfriend? Does her studies drop a lot and finally disappoint you? Or any other issue there which caused you to set the agreement? I am sorry but I am really very curious as even my parents never set the rule. Alright, after all if that is the agreement and your sister has actually agree to it beforehand, then she shouldn't break it and you have the right to do that. However, my question is still the same - What makes you set the agreement? Sorry..I am just curious
1 person likes this
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
I just want her to concentrate on her studies, and a bf would not help. My other sister got pregnant on her junior year, and I don't want that to happen to her. I mean, there are a lot of men in this world, she can have her choice...better men if she'd just finish college
• Malaysia
24 Oct 07
Oh I see, then I can understand that. Thumb up! You are a good sister!! Well, I mean everyone tends to make mistakes, maybe you let her know how serious are you looking at the issue and after that you support her financially again? Maybe she doesn't worth your trust again but you love her dearly and you just can't let her lost her future just like this. Try to take to her maybe? Take care and all the best!
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
I don't want to talk to her...yet. I would only swear, use bad words on her. Our parents talked to her, all she has to do is to decide what she really wanted.
@MarkyB21 (1545)
24 Oct 07
I can't say that I agree with the idea that having a boyfriend is automatically going to reduce your sister's chances of doing well at college but the rules behind your support were very clear. You sister has made her choice and you shouldn't feel guilty about stopping the support you have been providing.
1 person likes this
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
Maybe I set that agreement because at the back of my mind, I don't really trust her. Im a mean sister, I admit but it's only because I want the best for her.
1 person likes this
@MarkyB21 (1545)
25 Oct 07
It's not mean wanting the best for your sister. I hope you resolve everything and your sister goes on to get a good education.
@ddtkid (709)
• Canada
24 Oct 07
I think you're wrong because why don't you want her to have a boyfriend? As long that she work hard at college and she have good maks, the rest is her own life. You should'nt put her in that situation, you decide private things like that. If you decide to help her, do it not by trying to controll her life. Have a nice day Pete
1 person likes this
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
Im not trying to control her life. I just want her to graduate at a specified time, and a bf wouldn't help her. I don't want her to get pregnant unprepared, just like my other sister. I admit I am mean, but in today's time that young people are aggressive, it's best to be sure.
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
it is just fair to decide not to send your sister to school bcoz of wat she did.she deserves what was given to her as a consequence of her not following d agreement u once (or twice) made.it would not be healthy if you just let it happen thus, enabling her not to realize her wrongdoings (i must first clear this one; going out on a date is not wrong but betraying your sister-provider is a no-no).She must come to ponder the not-so-bright side of the thing she got into.let's just say, that's the price she must pay.
1 person likes this
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
thanks. and yes, im hoping she would realize what she did and the supposedly bright future she would have.
@latinvari (192)
• Turkey
24 Oct 07
what she did you have to support her because this is her way and this is her life if she did bad thing "for you" you have to still support her because she support you too in future.you have to say your trues and let her for decision.if she didn t good think "for you" and if she need help you have to help her because she is your sister
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Oct 07
Wow Carol, what a wonderful sister you are to do such a kind-hearted opportunity for your sister. Unfortunately, your sister took advantage of the situation and really messed up.....I'm sure she'll feel the bite of it in the future. I was going to suggest maybe her and her boyfriend could see each other just once a week, but I guess that's all done with now since they eloped. Is he going to keep paying for her college now since she's married? The shame of it all is that your Mom ended up telling you instead of your little sister. I would have been furious. I know you're feeling guilty because you love your sister very much, but, your sister decided her own future right now with her decision.........what a shame this is.
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
I can't understand why she keeps on seeing that bf of hers; he had not even graduated his high school! Im not being a snob here, I just want the best for her. But with the situation his bf is right now, I don't think his bf could afford sending her to college. And that what made me furious even more.
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
I can understand how you feel. You are a very good sister because you care for her so much. Why not try talking to her, try to let her understand the gravity of her situation and how it might ruin her chance at a bright future.
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
I have tried all kinds of talking to her, always pressing the importance of what Im doing, and what it might give to her future. She's always absorbing that out but I still can't understand what had gotten into her mind that she finally eloped
@raijin (10371)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
I guess it's just right, since you're the one's who supports her in finishing up her studies. What you did is for the benefit of her future and not just simply for youe own interest, just tell her that she can anything she wants after she graduates. But for now, she needs to concentrate on her studies and work along with you. I'm sure she'll understand you, just point out clearly what you expect from her as of this time!;)
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
As of now, I don't trust myself that I could talk to her lightly. I felt betrayed and I couldn't count the number of times I used bad words. Im just hoping she would realize the consequences of what she did.
@raijin (10371)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
Take your time, I'm sure you'll both get the proper time to settle it out. As of now, you need the whole family to help the both of you to understand each other's feelings..
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
Thank you. I guess my parents understood how I felt coz everytime we talk over the phone, they avoided mentioning her name
1 person likes this
• Australia
25 Oct 07
I hate to say this but it sounds like you had a choker hold on your sister. I don't understand why you decided not to let your sister date? Depending on her age it's actually not that surprising she eloped. Perhaps she felt boxed in by your conditions? Have you talked to her about how she felt about you and your conditions? I'm not condoning your sisters actions just trying to see it from a different point of view. From you've told us it sounds very one sided, but I understand you had all the best intentions for her. Perhaps when things calm you can talk to her about why she made the decision she did.
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
25 Oct 07
If she's not inclined to follow the agreement we had, she could have told me upfront. Now, you may say she really wanted to go to college and because I have set that agreement, she had no choice. But no, I had again and again asked her on what she really wanted; I told her that if she really wanted to get married and not continue her studies, she would tell me even before the enrollement comes because money's not that easy to produce.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Oct 07
First of all I'm curious as to why you wouldn't allow her to have a boyfriend until she graduates? Was it because you felt that a bf would be too distracting? Because I can tell you from experience that when you tell a person to not do something they're going to go and do it anyways, and frankly I don't think you should stopped her from dating him unless you had a good reason which it sounds like you didn't at least not in your post (I could be wrong) but I'll admit eloping with the bf wasn't the best idea either, but you forbidding her from dating a guy didn't help matters either, the one of the things people have to understand when going to college is that there will be a time in college where they will screw up but (unless they are hopeless) they will learn from their mistakes and remember how they felt when they screwed up. Plus being in college (granted it's not the time to screw up)one has to learn to grow up and learn to take school seriously and to learn to be responsible. I don't agree that you should have forbid her from having a bf, but I do agree with the fact that you are no longer going to support her, because frankly by her getting married she was pretty much telling you that she no longer needs your help so I agree that you should cut her off from helping her with her studies. If she is old enough and can afford to get and stay married then she is old enough to find a way to pay for school.
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
25 Oct 07
Aside from the fact that I want her to concentrate with her studies, I dont trust her. Even in high school, she would go out with her bf without our parents' knowledge; we would only know that from her friends when we would ask them if they had seen her (my sister). Now tell me, am I wrong in just wanting what's best for her?
• United States
24 Oct 07
I know it gets to be ery expensive. I am in college right now. She won't qualify for any financial aid or anything?
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
25 Oct 07
Yes, it is very expensive. She had taken exams for financial aid but she failed..
• India
24 Oct 07
Hi Carol what a lovely and sweet sister you are. I wish i had a sister like you. Anyway i understand how you must be feeling let down, angry and a bit resentful. Don't worry cool down a bit and you will know no matter how much we love our sisters, brothers, our destinies cannot be the same. She has made her decision by choosing to stay with her boyfriend and breaking the agreement petty or otherwise with you. So accept that. And no you are not wrong. Just wait for some time if the boy friend is someone who is not going to support her i am sure she will realize her mistake then both of you can sit down and talk out a different way to deal with the whole situation. Please don't feel guilty. It is not your fault. You cannot carry someone's cross no matter how much you love and care for them. Sometimes being too kind and helpful to people we love, we actually deprive them of opportunities to learn more about themselves. So relax let her learn her lesson in life and i am sure she will come to her senses and to you. Like they say blood is always thicker than water. Once she comes back you can work out something:) Till then take care and relax :)
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
25 Oct 07
thank you for all those
1 person likes this
24 Oct 07
Hi Carol, That's a tough situation. Tough Love, isn't that what they call it? It's hard to give advice not knowing the whole situation between you and your sister and her bf. You know the situation better than anyone. Did they actually get married? I wish I could give you some guidance but I wouldn't feel qualified. I wish you luck, happiness, and peace with your situation.
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
25 Oct 07
they just lived together...my god! i dont want them to get married, she's just too young to think about marriage and she still can't afford it.
@Nanette99 (220)
• Canada
24 Oct 07
What a tough situation you are in. You obviously want what is best for your sister and think that this guy she is living with is not good for her. You care for her a lot and have been very generous which probably makes you feel very betrayed that she has moved in with someone who is no good for her. The problem is that, by cutting off her education funding, you are limiting her chances to be successful in life. For me, schooling not only paved the way for a great job, it also built my confidence so I stopped dating losers. Maybe if your sister stayed in school, she would eventually realize what a bright future she has and that she doesn't need to date people who are not good enough for her. Why not compromise? tell her that she has lost her free pass to school and from now on everything you pay for will be considered a loan that she has to pay back WITH interest.
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
25 Oct 07
sounds like a good idea but I cant do that. I mean, that pay back with interest thing. I'll just let her figure out how she would continue her studies.
@violeta_va (4832)
• Australia
24 Oct 07
I dont understand why you chose to ban her from having a boyfriend? If someone made that offer to me I would have said thanks but no thanks to be honest. I know you ment well and its great that you agreed to help but education and love are 2 major things in life and no one should stand on the way of both of them. She is an adulst after all.
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
I just want her to concentrate on her studies. She could have all the men she likes after she finished college, and I won't mind.
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
It was a very bad move by your sister. She could have at least been the one you inform you of her plans, after all you are the one spending for her. I don't think you should feel guilty, she made the choice so she should be responsible enough for her actions. She will have to learn her lesson the hard way. You trusted her, but she chose to break that trust. And I don't think YOU are depriving her of a bright future; she is depriving herself of that... But of course, should she choose to someday ask forgiveness for her irresponsible behavior, then you should forgive her and be there for her if she asks for your guidance. She's still your sister after all.
@carol_m (709)
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
Thanks. But there's one word in your response that Im not sure I would do -- forgiveness. Oh, maybe I could forgive her but it would be difficult to bring back the trust that had been broken. Im just hoping that she would learn her lessons, and if she really wanted to finish her bachelor's degree, she should work hard for it...enough of being too generous.
@Flight84 (3049)
• United States
28 Oct 07
Well, it depends I guess. Is her bf mean to her? I think she should have told you she was eloping first, despite whatever the situation may be. You are the one giving her financial support, so she should have talked to you. If she's married now, then her husband needs to help with her education.
• Australia
25 Oct 07
I'm not saying that you are wrong. I think your just angry because your sister betrayed you like this. I've known a lot of people who have restricted carers. However it's more to with trust then anything else. Your sister may have felt boxed in and thought "I'll show her I'll date who I like whenever I like" She is trying to make you angry and hurt. I don't know both sides of the story, and it looks like it's working. It's probably a lack of maturity that is making her do this. She felt she had to rebel against you to prove that maybe she could make her own decisions. I've seen it a million times when I was in high school. However most of these marriages ended in divorce or worse. You have to ask yourself do you want to lower yourself to her level? Or do you want to be there for her when things do go sour? The issue with you and your sister is much deeper than money and college. I don't need a 3 year psychology degree to see that. Since what your after is self satisfaction that you did the right thing. I don't know if you did, in all honesty I would have done the same. However I think it would be wise to work out these issues with your sister before it gets even worse. Take some time to calm down and think about from your sisters view. Do you relaise this could be hurting your parents? That now you and your sister are making them chose between the two of you? I think take a step back and think about it. Not all decisions you do just affect you and your sister.
@subha12 (18449)
• India
25 Oct 07
I think you were not totally wrong. its very great that you took care of your sister's education. But the way she acted seems taht if you would have continued with money, she would still have eloped. But you could have make her understand that its your hard earned money that you are spending for her future, not to timepas with her BF. She just could not understand her own good and have acted this way.
• India
25 Oct 07
Hello, According to me what you have done to your sister is absolutely correct.According to your agreement she should not have boyfriend till completion of her graduation.By keeping bright future of your sister you have imposed restriction on her.so you have really more concerned about the future of your sister.But your sister has not recognised this. So you need not worry for stopping the support to your sister.
• India
25 Oct 07
Hmm,cool discussion.well if I would B in ur place I would hav not done this kind of move,cauz U r not upset cauz she broke the aggrement or she's having a bf,but in truth U r upset cauz she hurt ur emotions,inspite of giving so much things to her like ur money,ur hardwork & everything which U can use urself 2 live a better life u r giving it 23 her without any problem & in return she's not even listening to U.-dat's the problem I think & it's natural also. But dear One thing I know iz Lov & responsibilities don't come with any agreement,it's ur responsibilty to fullfill her dreams & rather U must tell her the real facts & must console her wid these matters without having any agreement. I know ur r a very nice person & even U earned some respect in my eyes,u r doing a wonderfull thing & I advice U 2 continue it. All the best.