Stepchildren--Mine is a BUM!!

United States
October 27, 2007 10:06pm CST
I married my husband 2 1/2 years ago. I have a 23 year old stepson who is a lazy, worthless bum. He works 20 hours a week at Jewel and moans and complains about it. I work 40 hours a week. My husband works at least that much. We spent our hard earned money to feed and house this bum, and he thinks the $70 a week we make him pay for rent is too much. He'd rather waste it on Video Games and Model Cars. Instead of moving out on his own and getting a REAL job, he mooches off of us. My husband won't kick him out and I don't see how I can force the issue. His mother is no longer alive, having died of cancer 6 years ago. My stepson is dangerously depressed, but again, is too lazy to do anything about it. He'd rather take it out on my autistic 12 year old. He'd rather show me blatant, but non violent, disrespect. I have complained long and loud about my stepson. He's heard me complain. He just doesn't care. He spends his free time loafing around instead of helping around the house. Knowing that his Dad could use the help. We have managed some compromises, but I am not happy about the fact that he refuses to go to school or get a full time job. Anyone else experience this situation? I fear that he will end up tearing apart my marriage,as I am sure that my husband will side with his son, no matter how much he claims to love me.
2 people like this
8 responses
@reinydawn (11649)
• United States
28 Oct 07
Wow, I see a lot of similarities with our situations here... But some differences too... I married my husband 2 1/2 years ago - we knew each other for a 1 1/5 years before that. I have two boys - oldest will be 24 tomorrow, and youngest is 21. My oldest still lives at home, my youngest is in the Navy. My husband has a 19 year old son and his daughter will be 18 next month. His children live with their mother and we barely see them, the daughter escpeially. It's been a very rough couple years because of some of the issues with our kids. I feel his kids are disrespectful, over-indulged brats, and both my husband and I sometimes feel that my oldest will never leave the comfort of this house. Now, my son works full time (now, he was working 2 part-time jobs) and pretty much provides for himself. He's SUPPOSED to pay rent ($25/week) if he's not going to school, but when he was laid off one of his jobs and the other one was seasonal he was tight on money so we let it slide. Now he's trying to dig himself out of that hole so we're still letting it slide. I'll bring it back up to him when I think he's had enough time to get his finances back in order. He's still buying most of his own groceries, and usually picks up after himself. He shows my husband no disrespect and actually helps him out with a lot of stuff around the house. Although my husband sometimes feels my son should either be in school, working at a profession or living on his own, he knows that he's my son and I will take care of him. Now, we did have one HUGE problem with him right when we got married and I told him if that EVER happened again he'd be history (there were some extenuating circumstances, so he got a second chance). Although some things are similar with us, and some things are different, it really all boils down to a couple things. 1, this is your husband's son, his flesh and blood. Your husband is the ONLY parent he has left and your husband will protect him. and 2, if you make him choose to prove his love to you, you are all going to lose. You've got to be the adult here and try your best to work with it. Seek counseling - family counseling would be the best way to go. If you're involved with a church, talk to your pastor. I just urge you to not make ultimatums - they never work out. Wishing you the best!!!
• United States
28 Oct 07
No, no ultimatums. Just friction. My husband loves his son, yes I know this. It's just aggrivating. I don't intend to make him choose, I know he'd choose his son over me. what aggravates me is his son's refusal to DO anything, as I said. He's no real help around the house. While it could be MUCH MUCH worse, I am glad it's not. And I'd go for counseling, if I wasn't absolutely sure that my stepson would find an excuse not to, or that it would be pointless.(Just a feelin) But, thanks for the ideas and for sharing your story! :)
• United States
28 Oct 07
Hello, I'm pondering how to address this situation without seeming harsh or mean. First off, do you love your husband? If you have been married for 2 and a half years then you new the baggage that he came with. Has your mother passed? Did your father get married only 4 years later? How can you judge a kid who has lost a mother? Yes, i do hear you when you say he's lazy and disrespectful, but have you ever opened up to him in a loving, caring, understanding way? This is obviously effecting his life. His father is going to tend to his child because of this tradgedy. I know from my own family, as a step-father, that you are the intruder. How you handle the issues are completely up to you. Work with him and suggest counciling or church. Being around others that are on the same boat will help him in this walk. Do it with him and support him as he walks into these situations. Introduce him to Jesus!!! And take it easy on him.....he is just a kid right??? I'm glad that you opened up and expressed how you feel about this issues. That was the first step to solving this issue. Thank you so much for sharing, and again for letting me share. God Bless
• United States
28 Oct 07
He's already been introduced to Jesus. He goes to church. But that's all he's done. he doesn't DO anything else. I understand the loss of a parent even though I have both of mine. My son has lived without his "father" since birth. I can understand. I just can't understand pure laziness. he's not a kid, he's 23. He tries to act grown, but doesn't do anything that 23 year old should do. Like work full time, like live on his own....sorry, but that's for the input.,......
• Canada
28 Oct 07
Your husband needs to face reality, and understand that his son is destroying the family. Sure the boy is sad and depressed from the loss of his mother, but that is no reason for him to destroy the rest of the family. At the age of 25 I am the fourth wife of someone who has been there and done that quite a few times (my new husband is 3 decades older than I am but we really don't notice the age difference. We had a similar situation where the friends and ex-partner of one of the children caused havoc in our lives. We had to get the police involved. Then this summer my husband's youngest (age 16) came to stay with us, for a much needed BREAK, and a time to be himself. He had some problems of his own and summer with us helped him tremendously. He was very respectful to his father and to me. His respect for me amazed me because he was not expecting to find me there. My husband is currently working and living in the USA, whereas I have business and family here in Canada. I had already booked my ticket when my husband's ex-wife called and said she was sending 16 out to stay for the summer. 16 was initially surprised to find me there, but I was myself, and he was himself and within a few HOURS it was as if we'd known eachother for our entire lives. I realized quickly that he was a very mature young man (a real chip off the old block!!) and he realized that I was NOT going to be a parental figure in his life, that I was with his father (we were engaged at the time) and that he was important to me as a PERSON, not as a little boy. Heck, I'm too young to BE a step-mother, and he's too old to need one. It works out fine for all involved.
• Australia
29 Oct 07
Good on you! My partner is 50+ and I am 27 and we really get on well. And as for your stepson, it sounds like you got lucky there! lol. Mine is in England, and has a hard time understanding what on earth email is for! lol. You are truely a wonderous person.
@ayou82 (3460)
• Philippines
3 Nov 07
Its hard to deal with a stepsons or daughters. They have different attitudes,but you see you have to communicate with your step son. You have to make him understand that he needs to cooperate. Your hubby is stupid excuse my language if he will side your step son. He should initiate the talk a man to man talk..because this is a new relationship he have now.
@luzamper (1360)
• Philippines
29 Oct 07
It's really difficult to deal with lazy, irresponsible, and stubborn people. If you would not extend your patience perhaps that would ruin your relationship with his father. May be your stepson would also marry and may be that will make him stay away from you and you will be relieved of him. Be patient until then if you can.
• Australia
29 Oct 07
Uh, Get him treatment for the depression. I'm serious, do it and don't take no for an answer. I think you might find it will help some. Either that, or force the issue of him moving out. You have your hands full with your 12 year old, and don't need to put up with the rubbish of a grown man. Also, you could try and spend time with him, make an effort to get to know him better. Oh I don't know! lol. Boys are boys. My stepson is in England, so I don't have to worry about him being under my feet, but I wish he would email his dad a bit more! lol. good luck hun, and I hope you are able to find something to help you and him soon.
@darkaeon (466)
• Portugal
28 Oct 07
lol he works half of you and he complains!!!?? he sure is a lazy bum!! lool
@sid556 (30997)
• United States
28 Oct 07
I have to say that at this point i'd be as angry at the dad who is allowing this to happen as I would be with the son who is taking advantage of his dad allowing it. I hate to say it but i'm sure you are feeling this on some love....it seems that you are more concerned about this affecting your marriage than your hubby is. At 23, this boy should be being pushed to cope with his depression and be self-sufficient. I am sympathetic to the fact that "depression" is real. There are adults who are depressed that do not mooch off from their parents. The "boy" needs to learn to fend for himself even if it is to get help for himself. If it were my hubby, I'd be having some serious talks with him for if the problem continued, I am sure it would affect our relationship. I have 4 girls, 3 of whom are grown. One has had some serious issues emotionally. I do not baby her and she has had to fend for herself. She is 21 and again back at home. She holds a full time job and pays me rent and provides for herself. I won't be here forever for her and I need to know as a parent that she is able to care for herself. She is very self-sufficient regardless of her struggles.