Divorce

@seabeauty (1480)
United States
October 31, 2007 7:14am CST
What would you do if you were a stay at home mom and you had no money and no family in your state and your husband told you he is going to divorce you? See, that is what is happening to me now and I need advice. I live in North Carolina and my husband told me he was going to file for divorce today. I don't have money to hire a lawyer and I have 3 kids. I am not earning any money and I have no family in this state to move in with or to provide me with financial support. Divorce lawyers don't work pro bono. I don't know what to do. I am scared. :(
7 people like this
18 responses
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
31 Oct 07
I found this website that might be able to help you. It provides free civil legal assistance to low income families. http://www.geocities.com/nclap8/, also, this has a list by state on legal aids that can help or at the very least point you in the right direction http://www.ptla.org/links/services.htm. As for now, if he files for divorce, don't sign anything, drag it out for as long as you can. If you can get into mediation do it because that is where you can speak to the mediator and negotiate support for you and your children. Insist that you want alimony and child support. Since your not working he has been providing you with a lifestyle you are accustomed to. Being that he is filing for divorce he has to continue providing that lifestyle. Don't take this lying down. I have divorced twice and am re-married, I know a little bit about going through this kind of mess. I know your scared and it is a pretty terrifying thing to get this thrown on you like that. But it is time to pick yourself up by your boot straps and get to work. Do your research and don't take his threats. It will get pretty ugly because he isn't going to get his way. You have to think of you and your kids and the support your going to need to care for them. I hope this helps!
2 people like this
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
31 Oct 07
Thank you so much mamasan for the links. I had no idea where to even begin. This will be the first time getting one if he does go through with the filling so it's all new to me. I just want to make sure that I am not going to be out in the cold especially if I do get custody of the kids. I know he will have to provide child support but I don't know if I will be entitled to the alimony. I thought the days of alimony were gone. If I could get it than that would be great!
3 people like this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
31 Oct 07
The days of alimony are not gone. It all depends on how long you have been married, are you working and so on. The courts will not allow him to leave you high and dry, but it is your job to let them know what kind of financial trouble you are in. Why is he filing for a divorce anyway if you don't mind my asking? There are many things you can do to protect yourself, mainly if you go through family mediation which you will because you share children, don't keep your mouth shut, you definitely want to express your need for support and that he is leaving you high and dry, fight for custody of the kids! The courts are very sympathetic to the mother. If he does file and you are in a pickle, you need to go to your county assistance office and get every kind of assistance possible to help you through this because if he does want the kids, he can say that your not working and have no way of supporting your children, so you want to have a game plan, it doesn't hurt to call and ask questions. They sometimes have job training programs, schooling to teach you a trade, they pay for your child care and help you financially until you get on your feet. So, don't be afraid to ask. The internet can be your friend. Just start googling these things that you need. I would also suggest you look up North Carolina family law regulations and familiarize yourself with them. Don't let your husband scare you. Be proactive and learn all you can! I learned the hard way my first divorce. I walked away with nothing, not even child support because I had a dummy for a lawyer.
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
3 Nov 07
Thanks very much for the best response rating. I am very honored and appreciate it! I hope everything is ok with you.
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
31 Oct 07
That really stinks sea. What grounds does he think he is divorcing you on? I was divorced years ago, and it was a messy situation. I couldn't afford an attorney either, and the legal aid clininc in my area didn't deal with divorces. I got online, researched like crazy and represented myself. It wasn't easy but I did end up with everything I asked for (which wasn't much). Stay strong and don't back down. It's going to be hard, but in the end HE is the one filing for divorce so most of the burden should be on him.
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
31 Oct 07
He hasn't been happy with me in years ... he says I have no respect for him because when he asks me to do something and I don't always do it. One of the reasons he is unhappy with me is because I don't keep the house as clean as he would like it to be. I do clean its just not as clean as he wants it to be. Another reason is that I don't know how to drive and he is the one that has to run around and go food shopping, go to the bank, go to the post office, run the kids to their doc appts etc. and he is so mad at me for not wanting to learn. He works and then he comes home and has to do all the running around and he has had it. I am afraid to learn how to drive. It is not easy living in an area where you need a car. I took some lessons when I was 15 but I was scared and stopped learning. So basically his ground is that I have no respect for him and that makes him unhappy and he wants out.
2 people like this
@missybal (4492)
• United States
31 Oct 07
You and I are alike in the whole driving thing. I'm 25 and I don't drive. I am really scared every time I tried. I'm going to go get my drivers permit again and try again but my husband and I have managed without me driving. I find other ways around for one we live close to town and so I can walk to a lot of places. My husband has been very patient with me and we don't even have kids and I'm a work at home wife. All the excuses he gave you are so weak. You deserve better. I think there is much more to it. He must have a girlfriend or someone he wants to be a girlfriend. If that is the best he can do you will have no problem getting alimony and the children and full child support. The only problem is I do know that North Carolina is a hard state to fight for all of that. New York you would have no problems. Stay strong for your children. They will need you since daddy's a jerk. Don't let him kick you out of the house. You must stay or else you will lose more. It will be uncomfortable but if you leave it will give him the advantage in the courtroom. I have a friend who is going through a divorce now and she has had to continue living in the same house as her soon to be ex or else she may lose her house. I will pray for you.
1 person likes this
@lingli_78 (12836)
• Australia
31 Oct 07
i'm sorry to hear about your situation seabeauty... i think your hubby is a real jerk... sorry to say this... but i can't drive as well and i am always afraid to drive... my hubby has no problem of driving me around wherever i want... i cook for him in return everyday... as for cleaning the house, you are not a maid... who does he think he is??? asking you to clean the house as clean as he wants it to be... that is ridiculous... if he is not happy with what you had done, then he had to do it himself... those are very absurd reasons for wanting to divorce you... anyway, please be strong... your kids need you... seek assistance and help as much as you can and start looking for a job... i will pray for you... hopefully everything will turn out well and please keep us updated of your situation... take care and God Bless you...
1 person likes this
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
1 Nov 07
he is a jerk and he wants to leave me because the house is not super clean and all the running around he has to do. It IS absurd.
2 people like this
@JaLuvYa (175)
• United States
31 Oct 07
Great links mamasam. I'm sorry that you are going through this seabeauty. I went through something similar when I lived in Maryland- my x-husband at the time and I decided I should seperate from the military (we were both Airforce) to have our child just in case we went to war. Shortly after I seperated from the military he decided he couldn't handle it and began to act out. I could not get another job because of my pregnancy and I had no family in that area. I spent about 2 weeks homeless at five/six months pregnant- but I made it and so can you! You have to be strong for your kids and handle your business. The one thing that helped me besides my strong faith that God would bring me through was that my mother always taught me to keep "mattress money". It emergency money and no matter what we were going through financially I always had a stash my husband did not know about. It was just enough to buy my bus ticket home after I settled my affairs in Maryland. My situation doesn't sound quite as difficult as yours with three kids and no money whatsoever. I will keep you in my prayers. We women are strong- you can handle this :)
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
8 Nov 07
Thank you for your support Ja. I am glad you were able to get through your situation. If you can do it so can I :).
@peanutjar (5211)
• Canada
31 Oct 07
Hi im a stay at home mom,with no money but family in another town.Im sorry to hear this and that you have to experience something like this,especially with 3 children.I dont know what i would do either,ive thought about something like this happening though.They must have some kind of financial lawyer whos paid by the government for situations like this.I would start asking around to other people,can you call your family whos from another state to get their advice and help atleast? Peanutjar:)
1 person likes this
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
1 Nov 07
Can't move in with my mom, she has a 3 room apt that she shares with my aunt. There is no room. My cousin "D", she lives with a male roomate in a 3 room apt. so no room there. My brother "P" he shares an apt with another guy so thats out. None of them have any money either, they are living check to check so they cant help. I will just have to do it on my own somehow. Would rather not burden anyone if I could help it.
2 people like this
@carolscash (9500)
• United States
31 Oct 07
First of all, I would try to get a job and then I would look into legal aid. There should be a number in the phone book for them. If not,look it up online and see if there is someone near you that can help. Also, I would suggest that you go to your nearest human services office and see if they can help you get on your feet. Does your husband give you money? Save some of it when he does. Is there a homeless shelter or a womens' shelter near you? If you do, you could go there. Will your family come get you if you call them? I would look to them for help too. Do anything you can to get out of that house for now and then fight for it in the divorce. I think you deserve the house since you have the kids to take care of. Stay strong as your kids need you now more than ever.You have friends here and we are willing to listen!!
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
1 Nov 07
Thanks for the advice carol. He doesn't give me money unfortunately. I will check into the shelters and human services. I need to be prepared when I am served.
2 people like this
@Margajoe (4718)
• Germany
12 Nov 07
Is it not possible to move to live near your relatives? If he wants a devorce, make him pay good child support, and pay for you as well. I cannot understand these kind of men. Are they so scared of responiblity,that they walk away from there own children? Us mothers cannot walk away. But then again, as a mother we take our kids with us. Don┬┤t worry too much, keep you head clear and your eyes open for possibility┬┤s. Your children need you to be strong, know more then ever. Somehow it will all work out. It did for me, I moved back in with my parents. I was 27. They helped me raise my children. So , I got a job and know my kids are 20 and 22. Last 1st of jan 2007 I met the love of my life. My soulmate. It will work out, it always does. Take care, be strong, you can do this.
• Pakistan
7 Nov 07
Fortune favors the brave. You can earn money. Money is the main object which solves the problem facing a wife like you. It is not impossible to get the money as much as you work for it. The self sufficient wife is who can face the problem and struggle to solve them. Become self sufficient and do not keep yourself dependent. Do not fear about divorce. There are many female living alone and working to build the future.
• China
6 Nov 07
Seabeauty,First,I am very sorry to hear your bad news.I am almost touched with tears.Second,I sure you will get much sympathy from people all over the world.Humm~~~you can get help from local government.and I Think there are many laws to prevent the womens' rights.I am Chinese,I learn that our country has these laws.Wish you good luck!
5 Nov 07
hey dont be scared...To start with u have to stand up n find out what kind of jobs u may get n try to get one...There is no time to be scared my lady...many of us dont realise that we have potential n can do many things if not everything..You have to fight.. I might be sounding a little arrogant but i just want u not to scare n take control of ur life...
• United States
2 Nov 07
Here is something that my mom used to tell me when i am having a hard time in my life. She says "God will provide" So when I am having a hard time I always think about that. I dont know anything about divorce but what I will suggest is maybe asking your family for some help to get you and your children to get back home to get settled and get a job and then hire a lawyer.
@plumwish07 (4059)
• Indonesia
1 Nov 07
i m sorry to hear that seabeauty. i dont know exactly how is the economic situation in your place. i mean here, is it easy or not to get job and many more. the only thing that you can do is trying to get freelance on the first thing. coz it will support your financial needed. about divorce, if there is no other way to talk each other, considering your children, so divorce would be the final way.and about lawyer, is there no free lawyer there? in my country, we have free lawyer (social lawyer) who help poor people. aosmthing you should do that you should be brave enough and tough to face your life next. be optimism and positive!
@Ravenladyj (22936)
• United States
1 Nov 07
I would call a divorce lawyer anyway and see what they can suggest..or call legal aid if there is one in your area (there should be)...If your family would be willing to help you out finacially to pay for a lawyer though I would ask them..they dont need to be in state to help you out that way by any means.. Money aside though, stay strong not only for yourself but for your children..NEVER EVER bad mouth their father to them FOR ANY REASON..not only is it highly damaging to them BUT it could come back and bite you in the butt during the divorce and when the kids are older too....Be as civil as possible BUT DON'T be a pushover!
@eno222 (93)
• Nigeria
1 Nov 07
Honey,its had i no,honestly my heart bleeds for you,but the truth is the lord is your strenght,for now he his the only one you can turn to,and because he lives you can face tomoro,he his your strenght.
@rimsha (806)
• Pakistan
1 Nov 07
Near God Divorce is very bad.
• Philippines
1 Nov 07
Sad to know that you are in that kind of situation right now. Don't worry too much that won't help you, better be positive in all ways. Everything will be ok and that all of this is happening for a reason. If I were you I will ask some help from my relatives or friends in taking care of your children so that you can look for a job and earn money that will support your living. I know it's not that easy but because you are a woman and a mom then that means you can make that. Sorry to say this but I HATE YOUR HUSBAND! I just don't like men leaving their family for whatever reason they may have. He's so selfish. Don't be scared for you are not alone God is with you. God Bless dear.
@tujiagirl (368)
• China
1 Nov 07
I'm very sorry to hear that. Your husband is absolutely a jerk. He is selfish. Sorry to say that. You need a job. I think the most urgent thing you need to do is looking for a job. If you have a job,you would not be desperate. About lawyer thing,you can search online,there maybe some lawyer free service.
@anniepa (27280)
• United States
1 Nov 07
I'm so sorry for you troubles, Hon! Your husband sure is a worthless jerk. You don't give him respect? Give me a freakin' break; has he earned your respect, tell me that! My husband and I used to have that argument about the house not being "spotless enough" for his liking so guess what? Now, if he doesn't like it he does it himself and everybody's happy! Listen he wont' get away with leaving you high and dry like that, especially with 3 kids. You fight like crazy for what you're entitled to and don't you dare let him win. Hugs to you and your kids... Annie