differing views affecting my marriage, please help!

Canada
November 11, 2007 11:18pm CST
My husband and I tried for years to have our own child. We ended up with 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth. Our hearts broke and mine is just starting to heal. It's been a year now. We've been on the list for adoption for a few years, but have been told that it is a long wait and that the birth mother changes her mind and takes the baby back in 25% of cases, which is higher than the risk of miscarriage. I want to stop the process and get off the rollercoaster ride of trying to have a child. I KNOW that I can be happy without being a mother and in fact, I'm starting now to see many benfits of being childless. More time to myself, travel, more money, more spontaneity. I can probably quite honestly say that I don't want children anymore. Everyone has a "line" and mine has now been reached. I lost 4 babies, and don't want to risk any more loss. My husband still does and is saddenned by my change of heart, even though there is lot that he doesn't like about the process of adoption as well. He says he understands why I want to stop trying to have a baby so much and start just trying to live my life. He says he wants to do the same thing, but sometimes feels really sad about being childless. We are not very different about this very important aspect of our lives and although I love him and wish to be with him forever, I wonder if I should leave him to find a woman who wants children more than I do that she would be willing to go further. I have asked him about this and he says he does't want to lose me, yet sometimes seems so sad and I feel so guilty. I just want us both to have happy lives, and I seem to have changed my mind about wanting children. I tried, it didn't work, now I want to just enjoy my life again. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
2 people like this
13 responses
@wsamboer (186)
• South Africa
12 Nov 07
Anakata, It,s not wrong to feel the way both you and your husband feel. I have never been in that situation, so I cannot speak from an expert's point of view. My wife and I lost our twin daughters within a year of our marriage. One was stillborn and the other lived for only five months. So I can almost say, I know what it feels like in your case. A lot of prayers were offered for us and by ourselves. Two years later my wife gave birth to our first son, and today we have three sons to our credit, (all adults now, and one is married) For two years after our loss, we also struggled to become pregnant. We of course never gave up. You should also never give up trying. It is sometimes a good thing to join a support group of similar people. From what I have noted is, the fact that in many such cases, adopting a little one has brought on successful pregnancies later. I think that you become much more restfull, less stressful and more relaxed after having adopted a little one. It is a most wonderful remedy that will bring on total healing, because you will then be so busy and happy with your adopted child that you wont have time to worry and stress about trying for your own. That little baby will be like your own-(it will be your own) I think Sophia Loren had more miscarriages than you, and she never gave up trying. See a good Gynocologist and get strong and fit. Pray a lot, God can understand all languages. If you must cry before Him, no one else need to know, its between you and Him, and he wont tell anyone. He's too busy solving problems like yours and mine. So dont deprive yourself because you feel down now. I wish you and your husband the best of luck, and who knows, you may be a Mommy and a Daddy within the next fifteen months. Let me know when he/she arrives, I will rejoice with you God Bless you both
• Canada
12 Nov 07
I'm sorry for the loss of your twin daughters. How heartbreaking! THanks for your response. I don't want to try anymore though. The only reason I would continue trying would be to make my husband happy, but it wouln'dt make me happy. He doesn't want to try again either as he is too scared of what the pregnancies did to my body. I needed 2 d&c's and gave birth once and one miscarriage was so painful (more painful than giving birth) that I needed morphine in the emergency room at the hospital. Not to mention how sick I got while I was pregnant. As for adoption, we could stay on the list to adopt, but as we were told for a healthy infant it takes about 7 years and that's only to get the home study. Some people get lucky and get a baby within 2 years but these are very few and far between. We have talked to many more people who said that waiting for a child forced them to put their lives on hold and created major stress in their marriage. I prayed to God to help me in all my last 4 pregnancies, but I believe it was God's will for me to lose them and I respect and accept that.
1 person likes this
@wsamboer (186)
• South Africa
13 Nov 07
You have all the right to make a decision that you feel comfortable with, and that your husband feel comfortable with. No-one should try to convince you to do what you feel would not be to your own advantage. You are loved, which at this stage is most important. May your and your husband's healing be swift.
1 person likes this
@garnet80 (354)
• Australia
19 Nov 07
You are a very brave person. You and your husband have been through a lot. Have you ever thought about fostering children? I wish you all the best with everything.
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 Dec 07
thanks yes we are going to be fostering children.
• China
12 Nov 07
I think you're right about your idea that both of you live a simple life without children. I am a young man, which might mean immaturity. But I do believe that the one important point to have a baby is to make us feel happy. If the whole progress became a suffering, it is the right choice to change your mind. Don't let the grief overwhelm you, there must be many more pleasure in lives:-)
• Canada
12 Nov 07
I agree, Thanks for your response and youre not immature!
@dreamy1 (3815)
• United States
12 Nov 07
Have you looked into taking in foster children? Neither of your feeling are wrong. You tried. You seem to be at a place where you have accepted the fact that having your own baby might not happen for you and you're ok with that. Unfortunately your husband isn't on the same page. Don't bring up the subject, take a break from baby/adoption talk and see if given some time to adjust, maybe he'll come to the same realization. Who knows even if you let him go to find someone else who's to say if he'll even have a kid then. If having his own child is something he absolutely must do in his life to feel complete and you clearly don't want the same then as Dr Phil would say that seems like a deal breaker. You've made up your mind as to what you want. It's up to him to decide what he wants to do.
1 person likes this
• Canada
12 Nov 07
we're looking into foster parenting right now actually. I'm not 100% sure it's something I want to do. I want to get all the information first before making a decision. I think that's the only smart way to do it. My husband however would do it in an instant, without doing any research and let the chips fall where they may. I'm going to try hard to not think that I HAVE to foster children because he needs to do it. I know this is something that I WANT to do and I can't let his intense needs for completion through children affect my decision.
@talisman (1308)
• United States
12 Nov 07
No, you're not wrong at all for feeling the way that you do. You need to also understand that your husband isn't wrong for feeling the way he does, either. With this exact disagreement, the one who doesn't want the child wins. Always. A child should always be a mutual agreement. You've made your decision, now it's time for your husband to make his. He needs to understand that. You need to tell him and make it completely clear that you're positive that you don't want to have any children. Then, it's up to him to decide whether or not he wants to be with someone else so he can have the child(ren) he wants or does he want to remain with you and have no children.
• Canada
12 Nov 07
youre right, and I am aware of the decision he needs to make. He SAYS he's already made it and wants to stay with me. But I don't believe him. I'm getting older. I will be 40 next year, and I'm hoping that he will make a sure decision within the year.
• United States
12 Nov 07
You both have many emotions going through your lives over these agonizing years as you deal with this tough situation. Some of your emotions are similar, some cross paths, and some are probably totally unique to each of you. Both of you are likely to feel some guilt, inadequacy, emptiness, loneliness, longing, trouble coping, and so on. That is a normal part of going through trials and healing. Being on the same page is important, no matter how hard it might be, whether that be adopting, continuing to try to have a biological child, or simply deciding to move along and remain childless. My sister has been through a very similar time in that she has lost at least 5 babies due to miscarriages & eptopic pregnancies. She is 36 now and pregnant again, but this time over 3 months along and everything is going well. In order to get to this point, she and her husband have also gone through many challenges, including both being tested, numerous surgeries or "scrapings," and my sister finally having the "bad" tube removed, finally getting pregnant in the good one, and it really looks good this time. They actually did adopt a son when he was only 1-year old and he is now eleven, plus they do have an 8-year old daughter. My thoughts and prayers are with you through this stuff.
• India
12 Nov 07
Your problem is really serious and you have to do some thing. That some thing is, convincing your husband to adopt a child. It seems you and your husband have good understanding. It is necessary that some body should look after you in your old age. Medically it is not advisable to have your own child. The greatest achievement in your life will be making your husband to accept for adoption of a child. I do not know whether you have belief in god or not. If you have belief, please convince your husband to adopt a child and you will lead a happy life with the blessings of the god.
• Canada
13 Nov 07
Hi, I don't think you understood my original posting. I don't want to adopt a child. and even if I did, it's not as easy as you think. Also there is no guarantee that your child will take care of you in your old age. Children move away, children change and many children remain burdens on their parents until the end of their lives.
12 Nov 07
why u are feeling guilty .dont worry u like adoption you goand convince your husband this is my view .life is a precious.you love your life.dont feel again
• Canada
12 Nov 07
thanks for your response.
• Philippines
12 Nov 07
I do understand how it feels to have no child. . . When I got married at 30, I thought I would immediately have a baby. Unfortunately, it took us almost 4 years to have one.Those years were the hardest for me. At least in your case you have signs and hopes that you can have a baby. I prayed a lot in order to be given even only one child. After more than 3 years of asking, I lost hope and I just made a compromise to myself not to deal with that problem of having a child anymore. . . . Then without expecting it, I was pregnant. Now my baby will turn 2 years old this December. Don't lose hope. God will give the baby to you at the most unexpected time. Keep your faith.
• Canada
12 Nov 07
I don't mean to be rude, but that is the cruelest thing to say to someone who has been pregnant and LOST multiple times: "At least in your case you have signs and hopes that you can have a baby". Do you think it's easy for a woman to have a baby growing inside her, to hear the heart beat, to feel the baby moving, and then to LOSE it all, over and over again? Also if you even bothered to read my post, I said that I didnt' want to have a baby anymore, and youre telling me to pray that I will get one. Sorry but I had to rate you negative.
@Stephanie5 (2947)
• United States
4 Dec 07
No, you aren't wrong for feeling that way. I'm sure that most anyone would feel that way in your situation. I don't think you should leave your husband either.... My aunt tried for 12 years to have a baby. She went through some of the same things that you did. (I lived with her as a child) It was so hard on her and so hard on everyone else. Finally, she just gave up. It was so much stress and she tried everything and nothing worked, so she was like "that's it" and they stopped "trying". And guess what...once it was in the back of her mind and she wasn't stressed about it anymore, she got pregnant. She had the baby, everything was fine. She had another son 2 years later. Now, I'm not saying that it would happen with you like that, but you never know. I don't know your medical reasons for losing the children, she didn't have a stillborn, she lost all hers early in pregnancy. If you don't want to take the chance of getting pregnant yourself and going through that again I'm sure that your husband would understand that after he gets done grieving. He might just need a little longer than you. Have you ever considered fostering children? Or maybe even being a big brother or big sister. That would still allow you your freedom, and you could help someone at the same time. There are lots of alternatives out there. I think you just need to relax and take your mind off it for a while and let nature take it's course. I hope that something I've said has made you feel atleast a little bit better. I wish you the best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers. ~Stephanie
@sang2k2 (1834)
• India
19 Nov 07
hi anakata, i think that instead of leaving the present relation you should work on it in a better manner, what you doing and feeling is right but i feel that even you feel like getting a kid but you have lost hopes due to the circumstances prevailing there. what can be done is a way out of both your interest, you should on a holiday in evry week take your hubby to a Ngo or trust who takes care of kids so you and your hubby will even get to play with kids there as well as he would also feel happy about it and may over come the feeling to a little extent of getting a kiddo, further to this you can get an adoption of a child from these kind of institutions and should wait for that long queu.all the best ,take care.
• New Zealand
19 Nov 07
Its so sad to hear your story. I understand how you feel. You have been traumatized on what had happened to you. But do you think this is the time to give up? Do you think that you can really live childless? I know how much you love your husband that's why you keep on trying to give her a baby. I am just afraid that you will continue with your life and suddenly will be bothered thinking of a baby. You must follow what's in your heart. If you really love to have a family, do something now before its too late. But if you're contented with what you have now, just go on with your life and live happily with your husband. Accept everything that had happened. I know that God have some plans for you guys...Goodluck on your relationship. Hope everything will be fine..=)
• United States
13 Nov 07
all i know is that you love your husband he loves you and love can beat all as they say. however it is very hard work the only thing i can add to help you is i was adopted my parents could not have children of there own and they were the best parents anyone can ask for think about how you can help a child be a parent biological or not your child will love you either way