new to being a step parent....help!!

dancing baby
@keriwebb (294)
United States
October 28, 2006 9:11pm CST
I am only 23 years old and am pretty much a step mom already. We are not married yet, but it is soon to come. My fiancee has an 11 month old. The mother of the child has her good days and her bad days. They don't exactly have the best relationship. I love him so very much and his son. I love him as though he were my own. I was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice, pointers, etc.... on being a step mom. Thanks!
4 people like this
6 responses
@missybal (4490)
• United States
31 Oct 06
Well I think you are very lucky that he is only 11 months old. All he's going to care about is how much you play with him, but just a word of advise, try to keep in mind that you are not his real mother and now he will have two moms. Congraduations on your new found love. Both of them.
1 person likes this
@keriwebb (294)
• United States
31 Oct 06
Thank you so much!! I don't want to replace his mother or make anyone feel like that is what I am trying to do.
1 person likes this
@HerShe (2385)
• Canada
30 Oct 06
I have grown step children. I did a Yahoo search for 'step parents' and came up with this: www.step-parenting.com/-1k- ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5231.html-7k- www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/steppar.htm-21k- www.focusonyourchild.com/relation/art1/A0000343.h...-31k- www.stepcarefully.com/-16k- There are nine more pages of step parenting pages. Good Luck I'm sure you'll find something to your liking.
1 person likes this
@keriwebb (294)
• United States
30 Oct 06
Thank you! I will be sure to check out those sites.
1 person likes this
@vhenwood (1061)
• United States
30 Oct 06
umm . . .well, one thing, no matter what his age . . .don't push yourself on him. He already knows Mom & Dad . . .jsut let him come to you. Don't try to replace his mom, I know you won't interntionally, but I've seen it happen with others. And DO NOT try to tell his mom HOW to raise him or anything along those lines. Why don't you try asking her for any tips . . . ask her if there's anythign special he would enjoy that you two could do together to strengthen your bond. Hope that helps :)
@keriwebb (294)
• United States
30 Oct 06
I am afraid if I talk to her about that then she will feel as though I am trying to take her place. I want to have a good relationship with my step son and her, but without making them feel as though I am trying to take her place and i don't want to be the "wicked step mother" either.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
I just want to say that my step mom is the BEST! I will admit that we had our tough times, but she took me in and raised me as her own. The only time I even refer to her as my step mom is in situations like this. To me in my heart she is my mom, and I wouldnt trade her for anything. Dont think of what might happen. Just be there for him and live day by day. Dont worry about the rest. Things will work out.
@sbeauty (5869)
• United States
30 Oct 06
I became a step-mother when I was 25. My step children were 14, 13, 5, and 3. Let me tell you, it's nothing I would want to go through again. There's always that ex to contend with. My husband's ex took joy in causing problems for us. Bills would arrive unexpectedly. She moved and didn't tell my husband where his children were for 3 weeks. The children would come for visitation in rags. I would clean them up and buy them new clothes, and she'd take the clothes back to the store for the money. She let the kids drop out of school, and we had no rights to try and keep them in. She neglected them and her new husband abused them, but no one in authority seemed to care. There were lots of other problems over the years. The kids resented me because I wasn't their mother. I had my own kids, and then I resented my stepkids because I had to spend money on them I could have spent on my own. My daughter also married a man with a darling little boy like you're describing here. She is not finding step-parenthood easy, either. It was fine when Colton was little, but now that he's 6, he's always verbally comparing her to his mother. She feels bad, because she takes care of him most of the time, but she still takes 2nd place in his heart to his mother. One thing that really hurt was when he made a gift for mom at school for Christmas and then he gave it to his real mom. My daughter understands, but it still bothers her a lot. Please think over what I've told you and spare yourself all this unnecessary heartache. It may not seem like it will happen now when everything is so fresh and new, but you'll find that the daily grind of it is really hard. I would never do it over again, and I'd never wish it on another woman.
@keriwebb (294)
• United States
30 Oct 06
I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Thankfully the mother is a very good mother, but it is just the relationship between her and my fiancee that isn't the greatest. Her and I get along fine when we are around each other. The obstacle I am facing right now is making sure she doesn't feel I am trying to take her place in the boys life. He isn't old enough to know anything really yet. He knows who mommy and daddy. He will never have memory of the two of them together cause they split before he was born. He will have only known them as being apart. The last thing I want is to take her place. My parents got divorced when I was in high school and my mom remarried shortly after and I know from a kids perspective I didn't want him to try and be a father to me at all. I do know that I love my fiancee and his son very much and want nothing more than to be in their lives. I hope to develop a good relationship with the mother and hopefully that will make things easier. I guess I need to do some reading.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
from my personal experience heres my advice. Get to know the mom and try not to hate her just bc she is your mans ex. They had what they had and its in the past. If you get to know her, you might even like her. Thats a huge help with the kids. If they know everyone likes one another.. Dont try and replace mom. Just stand there to fill in when needed. Like never say oh come to mommy. use your name. If and when you get married, then let it be the childs decision when he gets older weather he wants to call you by name, step mom. what ever as long as its okay with all parents involved. I am 24 years old, and I have 3 children. 8 year old girl, 5 year old girl, and 1 year old son. the 5 year old girl is my step daughter. I have known her since she has been 2 years old. Me and her mom get along great. We hang out, chit chat, complain to one another etc. Its great, I like her a lot. And I dont always agree with things she does, I tell her. And when she dont agree she tells me. Her and my hubby dont get aong as good as we do, but for the most part its okay. Trust me, it has not always been like this. But when there is a child involved you must bite your tongue as much as possiable. You dont want him to think of you as the women who hates his mommy. That would be bad. My step daughter loves me and loves her mom. While im sure her love for her mom is more im a close second. I dont mind being second, and i would never ever want to be in front of her mom.. also a thing we do here since both sides are married is. Her real mom is mommy, her real dad is daddy. then the steps are mom, dad etc.. She is never to call her step dad , daddy and she is never to call me mommy as thats reserved for the bio parents only. I hope this helps and if you need any advice you may contact me. I can help ya, been doing this for over 3 years now. and i wouldnt change anything.