Mother does not wish to take care of only Grandchild part 2

@babykay (2131)
Ireland
December 9, 2007 11:31am CST
I posted a few months back about this same issue. Let me say that I do not expect free babysitting from my parents, am not trying to take advantage of them in anyway. I just think they must be the only grandparents on Earth who are not eager to spend time with an only grandchild. Unfortunately things have not improved since I last posted. Both my Mom and my Dad never ever offer to babysit him. They are ok to spend time with him but only if I am present, during which time they criticize me. Before anyone thinks they are unable, let me say that both are relatively young for grandmother and grandfather, in excellent health. Me and my Mom don't get on very well. Anyway, myself and husband decided to rent our house for a few years while he took a contract job elsewhere. So we are basically moving away, for a long time. Before we left, there were (as usual) no offers to spend time with my son. When I called to see my Mom, more often than not she had to do some "urgent shopping". As our house was rented and my husband away, I stayed with them (big mistake I know now) for a few weeks. During this time my parents were offhand and distant with me. They never once offered to take him while I had a night out with friends, so what I did to say goodbye was call to friends. My Mom criticized me endlessly, especially for this saying I shouldn't be taking my son out at night. Anyway, it seems that my folks want to be able to butt in whenever they feel like it and offer NO support whatsoever. Talk about having it both ways. So we are due to go home for a while soon. I don't really want to go but am thinking it might be good to stay sometime with them rather than my husband's parents. I am considering giving them another chance. Any thoughts?
4 people like this
4 responses
• United States
9 Dec 07
Not much you can do about it. You just deal with it. We live with my dad and when my youngest was a baby he would watch her for a few hours so me and my husband could go out (like ever other month or something). He even watched her when our 2nd was born but after that...he refused. He refused to even hold my son until he was 14 months old and had almost nothing to do with him. My little boy would run to him yelling, "Papa, Papa" and my dad would just walk by him. It was awful. I cried to my brother about it one day and I guess he called my dad and said something to him because that Christmas when my son was 14 months, my oldest daughter was 2 1/2 and my youngest daughter was 1 month old he suddenly paid attention to him, picked him up and hugged him and bought him a ton of gifts. He still refused to watch the kids for anything, though. He would have my oldest up to his room to watch TV or play but not the younger two and in the 3 1/2 years we lived there after my 2nd was born he only watched the kids once and that was for about 2 hours while I had to run to the store to get new glasses for the youngest one. We recently moved back in with him and now have 4 kids. My older kids are 7, 6 and 5 and he will now watch them for limited amounts of time but avoids watching the baby. he has in the past, though, but prefers not to watch her. He also can't handle all 4 of them for more then an hour. He is 61 and had a heart attack last summer, though, so isn't exactly healthy. But when my older kids were little--never once did he watch them for me. In fact I haven't been out alone with my husband since April 2005 and that was when we were moving so it wasn't like we were relaxing. The last time we had time alone for fun was July 2004 when we went on vacation. But we had to drive the kids to his parents house so they could watch them. That is the last time we went on a "date" without at least one child with us--3 years ago.
2 people like this
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
9 Dec 07
well at least you can say that your father watched the first one a bit. But at least my parents are consistent!
1 person likes this
@deebomb (15307)
• United States
9 Dec 07
Listen it appears that your parents don't especially like babies or little children. So why force your self into that situation again. Let it be and stop trying to force them into being with you and your son. It's time to accept the fact that they don't want their live turned upside down with you staying there. Some people just aren't the grandparent type and it appears your parents are one of them. Stay with your husband's parents and enjoy your self instead of spending time where you will be miserable. Let your parents come to you from now on. accept that they may not come to you. I know that it is hard but there comes a time when you have to just let it go.
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
9 Dec 07
yeah you are probably right regarding staying away from them, this is what my husband thinks. The thing is, they actually want us to come stay with them. They are a very strange mix my parents, well my Mom anyway. She wants me to come stay with her, yet she will moan about what a big favor she is doing by allowing this, yet if I don't stay with her she will be furious.
2 people like this
@deebomb (15307)
• United States
9 Dec 07
Well in that case I would go over for a visit but I wouldn't plan to say over long, and if she stared to get mad I would walk out. After all you are an adult and don't have to stay and be verbably abused.
2 people like this
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
9 Dec 07
It seems easy in theory! In practice things always get complicated though. Hopefully now that we live away, it will become easier.
1 person likes this
@Lindalinda (4111)
• Canada
10 Dec 07
I think it would be a good idea to stay with your husband's parents. Obviously your relationship with your parents is somewhat strained. While in town go and visit them with the baby. They might me more interested in him now - or nothing has changed-. Be it as it may your parents may be nervous or scared to babysit a young child. I became a grandmother earlier this year. I love the little girl but I have not offered to babysit her. I live about an hour away and it would mean spending the night on their lumpy sofa if they want to go out. Maybe I am selfish but I raised my children and I am of an age where I am not confident to handle babies, besides lots of things have changed since mine were babies. Also my son and wife raise their baby by taking courses, reading books and watching videos about raising children. So their opinions are almost always different from mine. I also went by Dr. Spock when we had our kids but a lot of things were done differently. So we have a very nice arrangement that suits both families. I visit at least once a week, play with the baby and enjoy her. Sometimes I stay for a meal, sometimes not. I always want one of the parents there. I break out in a cold sweat if the baby cries and I don't know what is bothering her. So maybe you can have a friendly chat with your parents and find out why they are not the type of grandparents you wish them to be. Enjoy your visit with them. Remember they cannot change you and you cannot change them.
1 person likes this
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
10 Dec 07
We are definitely not staying with my folks, have decided on that. I understand that grandparents have raised their own kids, so should not be expected to raise their grandkids etc etc. But really, my mother expects to be able to criticize my parenting in an unconstructive which to me is a right only earned if you help out. I know she won't be happy about us not staying with them. But its the only way to sanity.
• United States
14 Dec 07
Babykay do you think they really have changed? I hope you do not think they have changed. I think some people do not want to take care of their grandchildren nor do then even want to be a grand parent. My mother in law did not baby sit or spend any time with her grandchildren until they where older and then she like our daughter and not our son. She would go shopping and buy stuff for our daughter and not our son. I would then buy something for our son and say it was from Grandma. I have two parents who do not accknowledge their grandchildren. They are divorce and my dad is remarried. He spends time with his wifes grand children but never even wants to know how his own flesh and blood is doing. He has four grand children who he has not seen in years. He is missing out on some wonderfull children. Our mom the same way. She does not even ask about them or care if they are alive. She only cars about herself and if I am treating her right. (I hate the woman) I wish you luck and I hope you do not get hurt.
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
16 Dec 07
That is especially sad about your Dad. As you say, it is he who is missing out. My Mom and Dad are not causing any hurt to my son, just yet. But only because he is still so young. Just recently we moved country as my husband got another job, and we don't miss a thing about home as we had so little help or support. Quite sad for everyone, but in the long run its them that are missing out.