His family and his fear of them is taking over our relationship....

United States
December 12, 2007 4:09pm CST
We've been together for 7 years.... almost 4 years, then broke up for 1, then together another 2. Since we broke up his family knew about it, but never knew we got back together. We have a long distance relationship as of 6 months ago and I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. Although the distance isn't THAT BAD. I can be there in 3 hours. We make plans to see each other and this is the course of how the events go. 1) He says, "You can come on Thursday"2) Parents call say they're coming for the weekend. 3) He says, "Now you can't come my family is visiting."4) Parents call and say they're actually coming Wednesday and Thursday. 5) He says to me, "Ok, they're coming during week you can actually come now."6) Parents never show up, and drop from the planet and tell him "We're coming Sunday."7) He says, "Now you can't come."8) PARENTS DON'T SHOW UP AGAIN! Claim they're coming "Next weekend."9) He says "You can't come next weekend now."10) I refuse to do arena with him in World of Warcraft (to gain weekly points) saying "Since you don't want to see me anymore I won't be used for your weekly points. 11) He claims I can come, no matter what day they decide to come, I'll just go visit my parents instead when they plan on arriving. 12) We do arenas together and I also help him with some photoshop graphics for the game he makes cause he kept asking for my help because I'm better at searching online. 13) Monday comes, he's crying on the phone because he's lonely. 14) Tuesday comes, now he doesn't want me to come anymore. 15) I say, "I bet your real excuse is because your parents are coming and you're scared of them, and so you're going to tell me, 'I just don't want you there."16) He tells me he wants me there, and I am wrong by my assumptions but in fact... 17) It's because I leave a mess when I leave and he all ready cleaned for their arrival. 18) I said I would clean before I left and do the dishes. 19) Now he goes, "I actually just don't want you there."20) But he just told me 10 minutes prior I was wrong for thinking his reasoning was because he didn't want me there. There has been countless occasions where his family dropped off his brother and left him there for 2 weeks. At first claiming they were going to pick him up at the end of the weekend and then saying, "Meh, you can just drop him off when you come see us next."So ends up for 5-6 weeks in the summer he is watching his brother. He never objects to anything they say or do. He has defended me in the past but that has turned out to be a mess from hell. I am ready to leave this guy because his mom is a mental case who tries to control every body around her, including him. And so instead of him taking control over his own life and saying, 'You know what... I want to hang out with my friends, I can't have bro spending 2 weeks with me right now.' He just does it. All his friends stopped calling him, seeing him, or even calling him because he's kept every body at arms length. And many times if he does spend time with them he has to have a pre-teen hanging out with the big boys. He can never go out to the bars, or stay out late with people or have his own damn girlfriend over for the weekend. Ever since his family found out he was spending his 5 day off streak in another town with his college buddies they've been calling him up for weekly visits. But their visits are never scheduled they just tell him "around what days" and if they show up they do and if they don't they don't. They live 140 miles away this isn't an everybody loves raymond where they are his neighbors. But they seriously will make a 5 hour round trip just to say hi for an hour. He spends days cleaning because his mom criticizes him for 1 dirty dish. Believe me I heard all the horror stories his roommates told me. His grandma even woke up his roommate who had been up since 4am partying and wanted to sleep in on the weekend who also had a hangover. And when his grandma comes she walks in his bedroom when he asleep with a girl just to wake him up. What kind crazy people are these? I found that the more often they come to visit the more unpleasant he is. He's crying on the phone with me (something he never does) because he's lonely... and then when people do want to spend time with him like me or his other friends he declines them cause either he's got parents coming, he's cleaning for them to come, or he's just in a bad mood. 7 years and it never was like this until the past 3 months after they found out he was driving up to our college town to visit all of his friends. Coincidence? I don't know. I was there for the phone conversation and so was our buddy who's going to Iraq in May. We were playing Wii and we had to put the game on pause to listen to his mother screaming, "Why the heck are you up there? You need to come see us!" And he explained to them "When I was in college I came every other weekend." And after that conversation happened his trips up here never happened and his family started coming every weekend on top of him going there. He was there for Thanksgiving and when he drove 2 hours to go home they come to visit 3 days later. If I do leave him, I wanna be able to leave an impression that it's not because me not loving him... but because he let his family take over his life, and maybe he can think about it for 2 seconds. Maybe my best solution is to just drop from the planet for 2 weeks and see if he calls wondering why, then I can tell him "It's because you took advantage of me."I'm gonna stop typing only for the fact that this is long even though I have more to say. I don't want to leave a 7 year relationship because of 3 bad months of frequent family visits but where does one draw the line. When I finally do see him he tells me all how much he misses me and will miss me when I leave. I know his family is visiting him cause I see all the crap they leave him. Each time I come see him there's more and more stuff. He's not cheating so don't give me those responses.
2 people like this
7 responses
• United States
13 Dec 07
I don't think he's cheating, I don't think he's trying to hide anything from you. He looks like a good guy but all the excuses would piss me off. I would have to tell him to tell me the truth and be completely straight up with you. He needs to stop being a mamas boy, you need to talk to him and be firm. You know he loves you, you know he wants to be with you, you know why the excuses are there. Just tell him you know what the deal is every second he comes at you with an excuse and it isn't working with you anymore. Tell him that you want to see him and that he's wasting your time with all the bull. He calls you and tells you he's lonely? It's his fault he's lonely. Guys can be so confusing that they confuse themselves. Tell him not to be afraid of his parents, if he's a grown man, he needs to man up and think about his woman too. It's wonderful that he loves and respects his parents, but why would he hide you? You could play hard to get, be ghost, and just chill around for a while. Don't get all caught up in him. It's hard sometimes for people to play hard to get, because they end up calling the person back. But let it last for 2 weeks. You can answer his calls, but act like your busy and make him think that you got stuff to do. Make him wonder. And when he starts questioning you and wondering, confront him about all the crap that he's coming at you with. Tell him that you serious about the relationship, you don't have time to play around and see what he says. Tell him that the family drama is taking it's toll on your RELATIONSHIP.
• United States
15 Dec 07
my thoughts as well. his excuses have nothing to do with not seeing me. it's coming up with excuses that make him look bad, to make it sound like we're fighting and he doesn't want to see me... but really he just doesn't know how else to say "It's because of my family" I know the drill. One minute he really wants to do something with me then the next he is angry and not wanting to have anything to do with it because his family is coming over. But he won't say it's cause of his family. He's generally a really good guy except for that one thing, which is so unfortunate.
• United States
13 Dec 07
No, I don't think he's cheating. I think he has a lot of family issues. He has to realize that he can't save, can't change his family and it is up to him to either stand up to them and have his own life or succumb to them and continue like he has been. It is sometimes hard for people to recognize. Or they know all too well and feel they are stuck. Do they have anything "over" him - for example, do they pay any of his living experiences or bring him supplies that he relies on. Then that's a tough one. He has to learn to thank them, but not "owe them" or find a job where he can cut the ties. There is little you can do, as he is the one that has to stand up. But what you can do is just make other plans. Go out with your girlfriends. Only plan stuff with him periodically and stick to the plans or plan to meet up somewhere away from his house - like your place or a third location that they don't go to like a little trip somewhere. If you stand firm and you are the one making or cancelling plans instead of him he will realize that if he wants to be with you he has to get on the stick. Don't let him guilt you into not having a life. I had a boyfriend like that who just made me feel bad and that's no way to be. Make him come after you/chase you/try to win you back. Don't drop things for him Its hard to cut the strings for some people.
2 people like this
@missybal (4490)
• United States
13 Dec 07
Wow... lots of info. Well first of all I wouldn't just not speak to him for a couple of weeks. I would have a long talk with him face to face. Just show up at his doorstop. Tell him that if he wants to be with you he will need to show he does and stop putting you on hold and that he will have to tell his family that you are a couple who need your space and time together. If they wish to visit there is no reason for you to not be there. They will have to accept you and accept the fact that he has his own live. He needs to grow some backbone. I understand because my husband had the same controling mother and when he put his foot down she decided that if he didn't do as she said than she wouldn't have anything to do with him and so he doesn't see her, but it's her choice. Everyone needs to live their own life... his family will either learn to accept that or not but either way he needs to start living. And tell him that you will no longer wait around for him. If he makes plans with you he better not cancel them anymore. You deserve better.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Dec 07
I do deserve better. I'm a very patient person and understand not everything can be perfect... but eventually plan after plan getting changed cause they left him an e-mail and might come is getting annoying. I'll be over at his place and I'll say, "WHEN can I drive down here to see you again... what works for you." He replies, "ANYTIME you WANT." I said, "I can come next weekend, is that okay? You won't tell me, 'I just saw you so maybe wait another week'. will you?" He replies, "No... I won't say that to you." 3 days later, mommy leaves him an e-mail, "We're coming this weekend." And he tells me I can't come and then to his reply, "Well you were just here." See...he has no problem seeing me all the time. Our years together in high school and college we spent all the time together....he came to me wanting to spend time as well and we did a lot together. He goes from telling me "you can come whenever you feel like it." to an angry mean person when they say they're coming the same time I'll be there. It's so frustrating. :(
@smacksman (6053)
13 Dec 07
Well you have a problem on your hands Julie and I hope you can sort it out. At 23 you are adults and should be able to make your own way in life and parents should realise that by that age you are independent. If they don't realise it then they should be gently told to butt out and let you live your lives together. You partner really needs to get to grips with this situation or he will have to get used to living with his parents till they die because not you or any other woman will stand for such interference in a loving relationship. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@smacksman (6053)
15 Dec 07
His family are the mixed up ones. They have ruined your man's life. Don't for one minute think it is anything to do with you and let them try to ruin your life too. I really hope you can work it out but it seem like he will have to make the break and suffer short term all the drama that will bring. I really do feel for you and wish you luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Dec 07
Thank you. It is unfortunate that people (not just him) have to deal with crazy families. I was lucky with the family I got.
• United States
15 Dec 07
Even if I broke up with him and left him it still wouldn't solve his problem. I don't think he'll ever truly be happy or accepted in this world until he can stick up for himself. Maybe it'll take counseling I don't know. But they put him down a lot. And no matter how much I say nice things to him, I feel like deep down he doesn't feel confident in himself. And like I said before it could be because of the emotional abuse they give him. I've heard the things they said and I think if my parents spoke to me like that, I would feel awful. My parents are very loving and let me be who I want. They even clearly stated how much they care about my boyfriend too. I am very fortunate for that much. But no woman would be able to handle this for long, I agree. Sad thing is, I don't even know why they hate me or say such bad things about me. I was always nice to them. I use to buy them flowers for when I visited to thanking them for having me. Some just think it's because once they realized we were more than just a little school fling and very serious and very committed they didn't know how to handle it and felt it to be "competition" that I was somehow taking their position in his life.
• United States
13 Dec 07
I think I sort of know how you feel, just not quite to your extent. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm 19, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years and although we're just now becoming adults, it would be nice if others would be able to recognize that and treat us as them...by others I mean his mother. His mother have the tendancy to be overbearing and treat him like he's 12. She calls him like, 4 times a day to check up on him. She tells him what he should and shouldn't be eating. She used to try and keep him from spending the night at my house. Ugh, it gets frusterating. Sometimes, I just want to smack some sense into her, he's trying to grow up, stop holding him back. She nags at him all the time about moving out and being more independant and responsible and at the same time, when he goes out and takes initiative, she has something negative to say about it. Anyway, enough of my rant. I don't think you should break up with him. If you've been together for 7 years, and you really, truly love him, you would stick with him and help him through this, rather than breaking it off just because a crappy 3 months. His parents sound highly irritating. And oh yes, this doesn't really have anything to do with the topic at hand, but I think it's awesome and adorable that you and your boyfriend play WoW together. Me and my boyfriend do as well. :) Good luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Dec 07
they are controlling in a very abusive way. one day he came over to my place in tears because his mom made him feel like crap for forgetting to call her to wish her a happy mother's day. She made him feel like a bad son over it. Now he'll spend a whole night making sure his apartment is very nice, and his little brother is even saying, "I'm suppose to let you know to make sure your apartment is CLEAN because we are coming." I've heard them say he's getting fat and a "dumb $#@" to his face in front of his friends. ugh. And I'm 23, and him and I use to be GM and co-GM of a raiding guild up until a few months ago when we gave it up for school and work. :)
@kurtbiewald (2625)
• United States
13 Dec 07
hmmmmmmmm, intresting and complex, at first glace anyway hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm pinky, i knew yu was wealthy, and not just into the Xmass things, see, I ben thru it b4 anyway if you want to solve the control issues, revert to writing letters, then its like: if somebody writes a letter says they are visiting for 4 days or whatever, then unless you get a different letter stating otherwise, just figure on that then. Grandmas waking up people with hangovers. hmmmmmmm It reminds me of when I was in the church youth group and the church ladies would come into the church and actually YELL at us , just for snuggling and sharing a sleeping bag. Man, if ya let some teens sleep together in a church, then they WILL sleep together in a church, what the heck? if these bad manufactured problems are your worse ones, count yourself lucky, maybe some parents with money are trying to tell ya'll what to do, AND ya'll are actually listening to them listen to that John Prine song, Dear Abby
1 person likes this
@liera0 (280)
• Philippines
13 Dec 07
Well if you can't take it anymore. Tell him the truth and the reason why you are leaving. He must know so he wont think wrong of you. If he insist to stay. Make him choose or do something about his family. He is old enough to stand for himself. It's either he do it now or lost everything he got. My mom seems to like his mom. But I have my stand one time when I got fed up of her telling me what to do with my life. I was able to say this is my life and I will do what I want with it. I will be responsible for every decision I make and for every move I do. Well she's still nosey but she knows I will still follow what I choose to do no matter what she says. So she sometimes keeps silent.
1 person likes this