do you feel guilty when you say 'no'?
December 13, 2007 3:49am CST
i've really been feeling frustrated when friends ask me do them a favor the very moment i am too busy with my duties, but i really dont wanna say 'no' to them as i dont want see them being hurt. But once i am on the way to their assistance, i can't help asking myself if i really have to do them the favor while i am having my own affairs to attend to? what can i do? i just feel guilty when i say 'no' to friends. do u have similar experiences. How do u cope with such an embarrassing situation?
13 Dec 07
If i am busy and have not enough time for them, i explain them sincerely.I tell them, if i can do anything else i would do it some other time. I feel bit embarrassed too, but if you are busy, you just have to forget this and go on with the work.Good friends will not be hurt by your "no" if you provide explanations.
14 Dec 07
I have had several such incidents since childhood. I was always taken for a ride by other…my friends, relatives, acquaintances everybody. Then one day I started asking myself a very vital question…why do I help others? Is it because I want to help them or is it because I want to be popular, in demand, feel wanted, feel belonged. Honestly speaking my answer to myself was that I helped people because I was suffering from an inferiority complex. I could not really open up and express myself and so my only way of being the center of attention was to help anybody and everybody all the time. people would flock to me like a ship in the storm and I would go out of my way to do things for them. I liked it too, the way the praised me, lauded my efforts, acknowledged their dependence on me. Then one day something snapped inside me. Just to see if my doubts were correct, I refused a friend a favour and after some hemming and hawing she did get it done herself and the best part was that even after refusing her a favour, we could still be friends! and like the icing on the cake, I was feeling so good inside that I could actually tell somebody that I did not want to do that particular thing at that time. at last I could put myself before others and it was a wonderful feeling. So you see, helping others is definitely good, we teach the same to our children but it should be done with a touch of practicality. For example you are free on a Saturday evening and you want to do some shopping which is very necessary for the house. Your friend or a near relative calls for another outing. You can of course say no and they volunteer for the next Saturday instead. That way you don’t deprive yourself neither do you sound rude always.
14 Dec 07
I also have trouble saying no to people. I am a people pleaser by nature, so saying no is a challenge for me. I tend to be a really busy person who has a lot of demands placed on her time. People expect a lot from me, and I expect a lot from myself. Sometimes, I really have to examine my priorities and ensure that I am devoting appropriate amounts of time to the really important things in my life. The danger in spreading yourself too thin is that you don't allocate enough time to the things that are the most important in your life. Another problem is that I neglect myself at the expense of taking care of others, and this can jeopardize my health and well-being. I expect that because of my nature and personality, this will always be a challenge for me. However, as I get older, I am learning more about myself and as a result I know what to beware of in myself, and I know to make sure to take action at appropriate times.
• United States
13 Dec 07
It's best to tell your friends the truth, that you are really busy but once you get things under control you could help them at that time if they still need the help. Don't feel guilty cause we all need to take care of our own life before we can help anyone else. If they get mad with you cause you can't do something for them cause you're too busy, then their friendship wasn't worth anything. Real friends would understand your situation and not get hurt.
13 Dec 07
i have this problem as well. when my friends ask me to do something that i don't like, i don't know how to say 'no' after she said you are my best friend. for example, i like stay at home, but she call me out almost every day; i like sleep, but she always make me awake to talk with her. sometimes i tell myself it's not a bad thing to say 'no'.we are equal, she shoud know what's my feeling . but it's too diffclute to say it out.
13 Dec 07
Of course but it's always something I should feel guilty about and that's something I remind myself. I'm too kind for my own good at times, so "no" is something that I rarely say but do when It's needed. It's quite horrible saying it, especially when someones asking for help or money but we need to look out for ourself and then help who can, when we can. ~Joey