Why do folks do this?
By Adoniah
@Adoniah (7513)
United States
December 13, 2007 9:40pm CST
I went to visit a friend of mine at an Alzheimer's Day Care Center again today. She does not have Alzheimers. Her husband died about a year ago so she was left alone and her daughter decided that since she was 80 something and a little forgetful that she must have Alzheimers and stuck her in this place. She goes 5 days a week from 7am to 4:30pm. All it is is a baby sitting center for the elderly most of the folks there do not have anything wrong with them except they are old and their kids do not want them around during the day or they work and can't leave them home alone.
Do you know what they do all day? They color with crayons. If my friend brings a book to read, she gets in trouble if she sits and reads too long and does not participate in the coloring and cutting and pasting like in kindergarten. It is sick. I cry when I leave, but there is nothing I can do. She never lets me stay long because she thinks she will get in trouble for having a visitor stay too long. No one else gets visitors.
Never do this to a parent or a loved one. It is so cruel!
11 people like this
13 responses
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
15 Dec 07
That is terrible. At least they should have a doctor on staff who can decide whether any of them there have Alzheimer's. Well if she does not have it now, she will certainly get it with the lack of mental stimulation she is getting. I was wondering whether you can contact someone in the government, like a task force that investigates abuse of the elderly? Because this is what it is. They want to turn these folk into Alzheimer patient for more money and to make a statement that "everyone that reaches a certain age, be it 75 or 80, will get Alzheimers." I remember when I was trying to get pregnant, then it was "everyone over the age of 30 is more likely to give birth to a Down Syndrome Child."
3 people like this
@Adoniah (7513)
• United States
15 Dec 07
Yeah I remember the Downs Syndrome scare. Do you know that now they say that men in their middle years can cause it too? Apparently their chromosomes deteriorate too.
You cannot give a definite diagnosis of Alzheimers except with an autopsy. They have to put a section of the brain under the microscope to be sure that you really have it. So when they diagnose someone, it is just a good guess from a collection of symptoms. They are usually correct. My friend has never been diagnosed by a doctor. Her daughter is just a nurse.
2 people like this
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
17 Dec 07
It seems to me that there must be a better place for your friend than this, and that there has been some mis-diagnosis or just a lot of "looking the other way." Many people of all ages, and especially the elderly are dehydrated and lacking in the nutrients necessary for optimal brain function. When they have such a restricted environment as you describe, it seems inevitable that further decline would take place. It certainly sounds as though this daughter has some unresolved issues with her mother. I would cry if I saw this happening to a friend, too.
2 people like this
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
26 Jan 08
Excellent point, Drannhh!!!
In addition to proper nutrition and nutriceuticals, many Seniors are plagued by the pharmaceuticals that they take. Geesh, don't even get me started on this!
Anyway, nothing causes atrophy like stagnation. This is at true of the mind as it is the body!
1 person likes this
@Adoniah (7513)
• United States
17 Dec 07
Hello again. She has not been diagnosed with anything. Her daughter is a nurse and just decided that since she is a little forgetful at times(she is 80 something) she must have something wrong so she cannot be left alone at all. I am trying to move closer to where she actually lives so that a day or two a week I can stay with her and she won't have to go to that place every day!
1 person likes this
@terri0824 (4991)
• United States
17 Dec 07
There isn't anything wrong with coloring, cutting and pasting. But there needs to be other activities besides this to do for them. They could play bingo, and other type of games such as cards. I don't see anything wrong with them reading either.
2 people like this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
14 Dec 07
The daughter should look into daytime companions for her Mom... that way she could be at home instead of in an uncomfortable environment. And for your own peace of mind, speak to the people who run the place about your concerns. That way, they will have a better understanding of how your friend enjoys spending time.
2 people like this
@Adoniah (7513)
• United States
15 Dec 07
I did, and for a long time I was not welcome to visit my friend. I must be on my best behavior in order to visit, and that includes minding my own business. If I get her kicked out of there, I am afraid that her daughter might put her in a nursing home and then she would not even be able to be at home at night and on the weekends.
2 people like this
@BayleighGray (4334)
• United States
17 Dec 07
That's just terrible Adoniah! I would inquire about who their activity director is and ask them why. I would seriously, that doesn't sound right. I think they need to supply age friendly project's for them to do. Coloring is not one of them.
What kind of place is this? Can you make a report to the state you live in or something? Or to your city in some way. Even if they did have Alzheimer's, I don't think crayon's and coloring book's would be ideal, they are still adults!
Bay Lay Gray xx
2 people like this
@Adoniah (7513)
• United States
17 Dec 07
I did talk to the folks in charge and lost my visiting privleges for awhile. Thats when I started bringing alternative activities for them to do, all of which are still sitting on the shelf unused. I am afraid that if I turn them in, all of these folks would end up in nursing homes and that would be even worse. No, I just go and visit and interact as much as possible and keep trying to change things a little at a time.
Thanks for the comments. Happy Holidays to you!
1 person likes this
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
26 Jan 08
Hello Adoniah,
I may have missed it, but I don't believe that anyone has suggested that you contact your State Division on the Aging. I know a guy who works for our state aging department, and his job is to investigate claims such as you're making here.
I'm going to be kind and suggest that perhaps the organization's leadership may not know any better. Every state aging dept. is responsible for not only investigating claims is mistreatment, but also with empowering privately owned centers in the best ways to foster healthier physical environments, as well as interest and cognitive improvement.
I've read in other of your posts that you have certain older friends that you visit with regularly. Perhaps there is a bit of a calling here for you. Your big heart, and sense of empathy might be called for, on more than a personal scale. You seem to derive a sense of pleasure or satisfaction from interacting with older folks, so maybe this is The Divine's way of knudging you.
At the very least, your contact with your Aging Department might make things a little (or a lot) better for your friend.
1 person likes this
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
26 Jan 08
Hello Adoniah,
First, I'm terribly sorry to hear that you have been battling your own enormous health battle. Since you are emersed in this reality I wish to neither tell you what to do, nor assume that you're doing all that you can do. That would be oh so presumptuous! So, I'll simply ask you if you are doing all that you need to be doing to take the best possible care of your self as possible?
And, point out that cancer is a process, not a dis-ease. Meaning that it has so very much to do with lifetime accumulated cytotoxicity, and that there are some things that can be done in addition to allopathic medicine, that can help you emerge from this battle that much stronger. If you wish to talk any more about this, please feel free to p.m. me. You also might want to talk with Drannhh about this. She might direct you toward drinking wheat grass, which she swears by (chuckle, chuckle). Though, I'll point out that she's a pretty amazing Senior, who is quite versed in wholistic health!
As for you friend: I'm sorry to hear that visiting her will place an additional burden on you. That is tragic for you both! Though, in most cases full-time facilities are much more monitored than day-time facilities. So, things might actually be better for her.
A dear friend of mine is a Geriatric P.T. She works for a a full-time center, and the antics that she facilitates for those in her care are pure hilarity. My prayers are that your friend ends up in a place with a care-giver like my friend. That wouldn't be so bad, eh?
1 person likes this
@Adoniah (7513)
• United States
26 Jan 08
Dear Lady,
I have worked with the elderly and the dying and the disabled and the abused all my life. Actually right now I am trying to ease off of it a little. I take care of one dear fellow dying of AIDS whose family, as usual has decided to deny his existence. And I deal with my immediate neighbors, who are mostly elderly and without their own transportation. I have just gone through cancer surgery myself and I am arguing with the doctors as to what further treatment or nontreatment I wish to have. We disagree.lol This is one of the reasons I have empty time for Mylot.
1 person likes this
@Adoniah (7513)
• United States
26 Jan 08
I forgot to answer you sorry. They are going to take my friend out of the Day Care and put her into a Nursing Home. Yes, from bad to worse. Even worse, She will now be about 35 miles from me which on my limited income will really make the gas dear to spend, but spend it I will, just not as often.
1 person likes this
@Shaun72 (15959)
• Palatka, Florida
16 Dec 07
This is so sad. i am glad when my grandmother had cancer that no one wanted to put her in a nursing home. We all stuck it out with her untill the very end. it makes me really upset at people who do this to their family or parents or grandparents. I would keep mine no matter what.
@la_plus_bonne (167)
• United States
15 Dec 07
Wow that's horrible. Especially att that the parents have done for the child over the years. I will never do that to my parents. I hate when people degrade older people and treat them like children.
2 people like this
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
26 Jan 08
Maybe you could find a better place and help her get out of there. That is sad that people do something like that.
@awonderfullife (2893)
• United States
26 Jan 08
Aw that's a shame. It's a shame her daughter can't hire someone to spend time with her outside of a facility like that. She probably just needs some companionship. My grandmother had Alzheimers and it was just awful- I know of the places you are referring to. Terribly depressing but my Nana needed it because my mom had to work and couldn't care for her all day. Unfortunately that's a common problem for people.
1 person likes this
@Adoniah (7513)
• United States
26 Jan 08
Getting old in this country has almost become a crime. There has to be a better way of dealing with the elderly. A more humane way. I am getting too close and I do not want to be warehoused because there is no one to care about me when I no longer can live on my own.
@anniepa (27955)
• United States
17 Dec 07
You're not kidding that's so cruel! That's making people who have lived a long, hopefully productive life feel like they're now useless children. I don't mean to say children are "useless" but you know what I mean, like they can't decide for themselves if they want to read or whatever. That's absurd! Having a place where older people can meet with friends and have activities for them is one thing, like our local Senior Centers, but something like that is plain demoralizing. I say SHAME on this woman's daughter; there has to be a better alternative for her mother!
Annie
1 person likes this
@adjemt (16)
• United States
26 Jan 08
Hi,
I'm not justifying what she has done. She apparently didn't do her homework and arranged daycare for her in a poor environment. I have found (in my nursing classes) when we are "in the field" the best places are the faith based care centers. The person doesn't have to be of that faith, &, they seem to offer the best care. As for the activities well...I agree coloring and "kindegarden" crafts may not necessarily be the right thing for most, there should be some activities for others who need better stimulation. Your friend sounds pretty with it, and may find it more rewarding to actually volunteer (or get hired) to work at a place like that.
She and her daughter (and possibly her doctor?) need to discuss this, and find out what is best for her friend and her daughter. It may not be that she just can't be bothered, she may actually fear for her safety. THEY need to do some investigating. THEY need to go to the centers and see which one best fits your friends needs (and schedule...who says it has to be 5 days a week?). I don't know any mother of a child that just take her child for daycare and the first place she stops at. THEY need to investigate, interview, compare and contrast, and I'm sure money is an issue....
I hope this helps.
Tony J
1 person likes this
