MY DECEMBER -- something I wrote years ago

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I am just sharing something I wrote almost four years ago. I kind of used Linkin Park's MY DECEMBER song, if you are familiar with it --it's kind of gloomy. I wrote this Dec. 9, 2003.:) --- This is my December This is my time of the year Yes… December… I always consider this month as solely mine (well, being egoistic and narcissistic, I have to declare it solely to my self as my one and only audience). Nah, I often declare it at home… My parents and brothers know that December has always been my month (hahahahaha). Neither because of Christmas Day nor New Year’s Eve but because of my birthday. Yeah, my birthday… Gosh, I’ll be celebrating it again, and have to coercively add a year on my age… I think I have to stop counting after this one... Celebrate? Hmmm… I don’t know… I think I am not yet ready to celebrate it… Yeah… This year, Christmas, New Year and my birthday will have a new start… I mean, it won’t be the same again. Honestly, when I was younger, I hated my birthday, because most of my classmates or friends were taking their Christmas break somewhere, so I needed to accept the fact that I’d be celebrating it with my family… Not that I didn’t want to celebrate it with them, it’s just that being young and beautiful (ahem…) I also wanted to experience having so many guests on that particular day… Hahahaha… I envied my brothers’ birthdays because they got to enjoy their classmates’ and friends’ company on their special day… Me? Hmmmm… well, I have learned to accept the fact that mine is a sort of intimate family celebration… Hmmm… yeah… Just like last year I had a great time spending it with my brothers and nanay (*tatay has been an OFW for almost 6 years now, nevertheless, he got to call me that day). We went swimming and of course eating. Last year, on that day, I had a tampo with my younger brother, Jan-jan. I think, this was because, he told me that he would be going in the afternoon to Manila to tour his friend who came from Davao. I don’t know, I think I was jealous or something. The morning celebration was great, but I spent it most of the time ignoring Jan-jan. I felt that he valued his friend more than he valued me-- my birthday. Well, Jan-jan had been so barkada-oriented… I think, I couldn’t and will never be able to change that. This is my December This is all so clear My December… this year, I couldn’t feel any excitement about celebrating anything. Call me KJ or having such an ultra-super negative vibes…maybe because, I get used to celebrate things with my 3 brothers around. I don’t know… It’s during this month that I get to thank God for all the blessings… Not that I am an atheist or what… mind you, I am just a plain non-praxis catholic. But right now, I am thinking of what to thank Him for… I know many claims that everything has a reason… but sometimes, the pain can be pretty overwhelming that you wouldn’t want to thank anyone for the pain you’re feeling… Someday, I’ll get to rationalize things perhaps. Maybe I will get to analyze how I feel using the theoretical framework I’m applying on my nanay’s emotional state... I’ll be celebrating the rest of my December in Mindanao…well, in South Cotabato, where my brother Jan-jan had been laid to rest. I’ll be in Mindanao for another reason…to witness the court proceedings of Jan-jan’s case. I don’t know what to feel with my second reason. Right now, it frightens me to death, what if I’ll come across facing the girl who brought my brother to his death bed… What should I do? What should I feel? I don’t know… I am pretty scared of what my reactions will be… I am pretty scared that I may not bring justice to my brother… I am pretty scared that I may not defend Jan-jan the way he defended and protected me. Jan-jan had been very protective of me… He wouldn’t even want me to mingle with neighbors (most of them have been my sorta barkada) whom he didn’t like, although, he wanted me to be friends with his friends. He had this concept of “exclusivity”. Well, I get to like his friends and treat them like one of my brothers in fact they seemed to be Jan-jan’s clones… Hahahaha… Ohhh, during Jan-jan’s wake these guys somehow “lifted” us. This is my December This is me alone Honestly, I have so many apprehensions going back to Mindanao. This would be my 3rd trip to Mindanao this year. The 1st one was a surprise visit to my younger brothers in Davao last summer. Jan-jan and king didn’t know that I’d be spending my two weeks there. When I arrived, Jan-jan was so stunned seeing me infront of the gate. Gosh, I could still remember his smile. Damn! He looked like a grade school boy. I knew he was happy seeing me. King was happy too. Then that same day, we went to watch X-men 2. My first week with them was a topsy-turvy thing… Jan-jan and I had this typical sibling feud (being the Manang Kakay ever, I wanted them to come home early after school, and if they’d be late they either have to spend the night in their friends’ house or inform me their whereabouts). My last week was great, I guess, Jan-jan and I got to talk. He even cherished my food experiments. The night before I left for Manila, the three of us went out again including one of Jan-jan’s, friends Carlo. We had a great time together. We laughed the whole night. When we went home, King sat on the front seat of the taxi, and Jan-jan sat beside me… He leaned his head on my shoulder, and was so malambing, he even held my hand. He told me that they would be taking me to the airport the following morning (the plan: King will be absent from class, while Jan-jan will be home early)…. Hehehehe! But prior to that I told them that they need not take me there, I can manage myself…but Jan-jan was pretty persistent. My last lunch with Jan-jan was in one of McDonald’s outlet in Davao. I didn’t expect that it would be my last lunch with him. While in the taxi, I told them to go home straight and not linger in the airport premises (I was pretty paranoid with the 2 bombings that happened in the city early this year). We arrived in the airport 30 minutes before boarding time (just in time). I said my goodbyes to my younger brothers, and Jan-jan held me closely and hugged me tightly...a hug that will never be forgotten… Two weeks after leaving Davao, a text surprised my nanay early morning of June 1. It was a text from a friend saying Jan-jan had been unconscious for 6 hours. I was about to begin my shelter duty that morning, when my aunt called me. I knew deep in my heart that something was wrong. I was trying to console myself, trying to convince myself that everything would be ok. That Jan-jan would get up once we reach Davao. Tatay, who was in Saudi, was texting me. Amidst the tension and fear we were feeling, I was texting tatay to take good care of himself, trying to convey a happy thought. We were not sure what to tell him, we were so afraid that he might not be able to accept things. Our eldest brother, Manoy, was in the mountains of Tuguegarao, doing some research works. We were trying to reach him that day but the signal there was poor. We arrived in Davao around 6 pm, friends of Jan-jan swarmed around the corridors of the ICU. I saw King trying to be strong. The doctors confronted nanay, telling that Jan-jan had a 10-90 chances of living…even if they have to perform the operations, he wouldn’t survive. Nanay opted not to do it. We took Jan-jan out of the ICU and transferred him into a private room where his friends could visit him. I knew that what kept him “alive” were the gadgets entangled in his body. He was just there lying…unaware that I was holding his hands waiting for him to respond… waiting for him to grip back. Manoy was able to get through us, he texted us not to touch anything nor take away any life-support gadgets from Jan-jan. Tatay said the same thing. Manoy and Tatay were telling us that Jan-jan would be ok once they arrive... When manoy arrived, it was the first time I saw him breakdown yet remained sturdy. The following morning when Jan-jan’s organs were starting to fail, we decided to let go of my younger brother. Tatay was not able to make it to the hospital…he saw Jan-jan peacefully lying in the casket. My second visit to Davao surprised me. It was facing the fact that death comes along with living. It was a painful visit… a painful homecoming. It was facing the fact that I have to grow old missing one of the most cherished beings who had contributed greatly to my growing up years—to my whole well-being. This December, will be my third visit to Mindanao this year… I have so many fears. Fears that somehow weakens me deep inside. I am afraid that I might not be able to stand things. I am afraid that I might eventually be brought to an asylum. I am afraid that I may not be the strong person that I have been trying to be. I am afraid to cry in front of family. I am afraid that I might want to follow Jan-jan just to ease the pain that I have been carrying since June. I am afraid to dream or aspire for something bigger anymore having in mind that in the end it doesn’t even matter whether you achieve it or not… I am afraid that I have failed my brother who had been very proud of his siblings. Just wish that I didn’t feel Like there was something I missed My December…I just wish I were born having a tradition not to celebrate Christmas, New Year and Birthday… Nahhh… I guess I have to be grateful for somehow God has given me brothers and parents to be proud of. I guess I have to be thankful that Jan-jan for almost 22 years was able to share his life with me. I have to be grateful because I was able to meet new friends…both in reality, in the cyber world, and the fusion of the two worlds. I know, this will be my family’s first Christmas and New Year without Jan-jan… definitely, this will be a different one… solemn yet sad… This will start a new tradition in our family life…and I’ll try to accept it… try to console myself that this is what life has prepared me for… And I’d give it all