"The Disease To Please"

@Rozie37 (15499)
Turkmenistan
December 30, 2007 1:11am CST
Okay, so like this is the title of the self-help book that I am reading at the moment. Yes, I have this disease and bad. There are a lot of quizzes in this book and I am a classic case. So I am determined to work out this problem. Now, you first reaction may be, What's wrong with wanting to please others? Nothing. But, the problem is that I take it to an abnormal level. For instance, an aquaintance of mine likes to ask me to come out and keep her company while she smokes. I quit smoking eight years ago, I have asthma, and I hate the smell of smoke, but everytime she asks me, I never refuse. I always put on a nice face whether I am in a good mood or ready to rage. I want everyone to like me and I do my best to get along with everyone. In the book it talks about a wife that goes out of her way to please her husband. But, he says that some of the things that she does, he doesn't even like, but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Then one of my favorites is a woman who has been given assistants to help her at work, but never gives them the opportunity to do anything important, because she thinks that if she does no do it, it will not be perfect. The assistants feel a strong resentment toward her, because not only does she not allow them the opportunity to prove with they can do, but when she is stress out from being over worked, she takes it out on them. This book is really being a major help to me. However, it is kind of confusing to draw a line between what God would want me to do for others and what is healthy for me. so this is something that I will really have to pray that the Lord helps me with in my everyday life.
4 people like this
6 responses
@adforme (2115)
31 Dec 07
Hi Rozie37, I had a bad case of this "disease to please", but I am getting better. Some examples of my worst symptoms were giving someone my brand new car to borrow on a trip out of state, letting people who did not respect me ride in my car, and almost co signing for a person who did not care for me to purchase a motorcycle. Let me tell you Rozie I had it bad, then one day I started to improve my self esteem and said the magic word one day, Noooooooooo. Take Care and Happy New Year and Get Better the best way you can.
3 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
31 Dec 07
Brand new car? Oh my, you were really too nice. I don't think I could even say yes to that one. I know in part that it is my self-esteem, But another big problem for me is that I am either real nice or real mean. There is very little in between for me. I have to learn to be assertive without being too harsh. Thanks for you response. I really appreciate it.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16233)
• United States
2 Jan 08
I have a neighbor that calls me and wants me to go for a walk with her. I always use to say yes to her but now when I don't want to I say no. It not only became one day, but it became everyday and even when I was not in the mood or in the middle of something, she still wanted me to go with her. Now and then I still do but when I am not in the mood I tell her I am not in the mood for a walk. Sometimes we can't always please people and sometimes others do take advantage of it. I have learned to do what I can, and if it interferes with what I am doing, then I say No I'm sorry but I can't this time round. Sometimes you have to say No because if you don't then it does eat away at you and may even cause issues between you and your friend at a later stage.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16233)
• United States
5 Jan 08
Nope can't imagine it at all. It's sad that she did exactly what this man told her to do only to be dumped later and with a face and body that she doesn't recognize!! that is totally sad! I suppose that's what love does to some people sometimes - takes them to the extreme! Sounds interesting your book. What is it called?
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
7 Jan 08
The book is called "The Disease to Please." There was another story in there where this girl was going with this guy. I do not remember whether or not he was rich. Anyway, he told her that he didn't stay with women very long, because he said he would get bored with them, sexually. So, she was determined to please him in every way that he disired. She did things with him that disgusted her. He had her with women, other men, I mean, just doing all kinds of crazy stuff. Finally, she started to get fed up and asked him was he ever going to marry him. You can probably guess what he said. There is no way in the world I would marry a woman who is willing to do the things that you do sexually. You think I want YOU to have my children. At that point, he would have vanished from this planet. But, reality dictates that she is to blame for it all. He did not force her to do any of it. It is like the Bible says, don't be angry in the things that you allow.
@AmbiePam (51191)
• United States
30 Dec 07
I used to struggle with this, and to some extent I still do. I think when someone is labeled 'different' as we are, we try to go to extra extremes to make sure people know we are just like them and we want to be their friends, all at our own expense. You and I know we are normal who happen to have a couple of diseases not many people understand. And in the back of my mind, there is always that fear that someone will reject me for that. After all, I volunteered to be a Big Sister last year, you know that organization? They turned me down because I was bipolar. Even though I am completely stable and could be a help to a bipolar child. That hurt. But then I remember the only opinion that matters is the Lord's. If He is fine with me, then the people who matter will be fine with me as well. If someone can't accept me for the way I am, perhaps they are not meant to be in my life. If I have to bend myself over backwards to please someone, odds are they aren't in God's plan for me. But you never know. That's why praying is the ultimate way to get an answer, and you're wise for doing that.
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
31 Dec 07
Before I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I use to feel like the strangest person on the planet. I thought I couldn't pay anyone to understand what I was going through. I felt very awkward and alone. Then, I was diagnosed and I realized that there were others like me and it made me feel so relieved. I wasn't all alone any more. There were people in the world who knew what was happening to me. Now, I feel kind of special. I know that God has a plan for me that only I, who have went through what I have and am dealing with can fulfill. There are times though, when I feel that people are purposely trying to get the better of me because I have a hard time saying no. For the most part, I don't like to say no if I don't feel that it is needed. But, I sometimes don't know if I should say yes, just because I am able to. I do not know if this is making sense or not. This whole subject is kind of confusing for me. My mother use to let people take advantage of her and all she would do is cry. That is not the type of person that I want to be. She was just too nice.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (51191)
• United States
31 Dec 07
What you are saying makes sense. I finally realized that God knew what I was going through, could only be dealt with by me, and no one else. It does make a person feel special once they see that. You are constantly trying to better yourself, and when a person does that, and I can't help but think whatever they do, even if they mess up, they are still on the right track. And as long as we know we are in His will, doing what we know is right, He'll bless us for that. Even when we mess up, because lord knows I mess up enough. : )
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5483)
• United States
30 Dec 07
Pleasing others is fine, however, I have always been very independent, and if what I did didn't please someone else, but pleased me, then I was okay with that. Not to the point that I'm selfish about it, if anything I do like to please my s/o, and I'm glad that my family is proud of me and my accomplishment. However, unlike you, if I didn't smoke and didn't need or want to be around it, I would tell her, go right ahead, but count me out. Trying to hard to please others can often times be annoying to them, but they don't want to say so for fear of hurting that person's feelings.
2 people like this
@sigma77 (5385)
• United States
30 Dec 07
I have heard you say that God has a plan for each of us. I take that to mean that God has planted certain ideas or feelings within us that will help us to realize that plan. And acting on that plan is the means for us to do something great with our lives and for us to be at peace and know joy. Sometimes, acting on those plans takes us out of our normal routines and comfort zones. And that leads us to doing things that might offend others or go against what others have in mind for us. Everything is ok as long as you follow your group...do as they do, act as they act or think as they think. And some of the time, those actions are not always part of God's plan for us. So, whenever we step out of the "normal", we open ourselves up to ridicule and dislike from others. It is fine to do things for others and help them out. Where it goes to far is when we give up our dreams and fail to follow the plans that God has set forth for us. We end up in misery when we let pleasing others keep us from following the path we know in our hearts we should be following. We let what others think keep us from taking chances, trying new things and speaking out about what we believe, among other things. I think it is fine a please others in certain ways, but not when it comes to going against your beliefs and dreams and what you feel in your heart. To fear what others might say if you stand up for yourself, is to be like living in prison. If you go your own way, follow what you believe to be the path that God has set for you, then anyone you displease is not really your problem. Where you might lose a freind that does not support you, you will gain one that does. And as far a family goes, it is many times a touchy situation when you start going your own way and they do not agree. About all you can do is to remain loving and understanding and respectful of their feelings, but not let them determine the course of your life. Do not let anyone take away your dreams or discourage you.
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
31 Dec 07
I want to do what God wants me to do. I feel that if something happens, it may not have been God's perfect will for me. But, he allowed it to happen for a reason. I just don't want to be one of those people who is blindly being taken advantage of, because I am being too nice.
1 person likes this
@Flight84 (3050)
• United States
10 Feb 08
I know I don't badly have this problem, but I do go out of my way to please others before myself a lot of times. Like, a few of the girls at work smoke and I will stand with them while they are. I'm like you in that I hate the smell of smoke. People will want me to do something that I really hate doing, like Tupperware parties for instance, and I'll go because I hate to disappoint them. Nevermind about me! ha ha. I've always been that way. I'm stronger now than I used to be though. It is hard to decide what what is healthy and what you are called to do, you know? I always think in my mind that maybe I'm really helping out a person that needed the help or that is actually really lonely and in need of a friend.