When Do You Stop Letting People Take Advantage of You?
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
United States
December 31, 2007 2:01pm CST
I could start dozens of new discussions after the last 4 days I have had but this question seems to top the list no matter how many times I rewrite it. When do you finally say enough is enough? When do you tell someone (that you didn't give birth to) that they are not your responsibility? How do you tell people that they need to stop turning to you to be their personal savior from any and all problems they encounter? And now that I have the important part out of the way here is a synopsis of the back story.
I haven't spoken to my half sister in 13 years, but I have been kept up to date on the specifics of her life through the annual holiday visits I have had with my father (err I guess that should be "our" father)
Right after Thanksgiving my father calls to tell me that my sister is leaving her husband of 10 years because he has become an abusive alcoholic jerk. He then tells me she is taking her 3 kids and coming down to live with him 3 states away in the hopes that she can make a new start and get her life back together. (Let me mention right now that I could care less about my sister and I would be perfectly happy not hearing anything about her again until I get the call telling me where her funeral is going to be held.)
4 days ago I get a frantic call from my father telling me that my sister is out of heating fuel at her house and her husband took off in the truck and she is stuck there with all 3 kids with no heat and could I please call her and ask her to please come stay with me for the next 2 days until our dad can get up here to get them all. (Let me say that I love my father and I have never told him NO ever in my entire life until this conversation.) I explained to my dad that I would drop dead before I called this woman and BEGGED her to please let me come pick her and the kids up and stay with me. If he wanted it to happen she could stay here but she would be the one calling me and asking for my help. I'm not having the first conversation I have with her in over a decade be of me kissing her butt to accept my help.
So he makes the call and a little while later I find myself driving the 64 miles to her house to pick her and 3 kids up. I figured it was only until Friday morning and I could suffer through 2 nights.
Thursday morning my father calls me and tells me there was a problem with getting the truck and now he wouldn't be up here until Saturday evening but that they would pack up and be back on the road immediately. I tell my sister this (who up until now had done nothing but sleep all but 3 hours of the time she has been at my place while I got to watch her 3 kids)and she tells our dad that this is fine because she has some running to do that day anyway. So my dad asks me to please take her a few places so she could get all the stuff done that she needed to do. This consisted of me having to call my friend who watches my 4 kids and beg her last minute to please come to my house at 7 in the morning and please watch all 7 children. The few places we needed to go turned into a 9 hour excursion and after it was over I had to come home and make dinner for now 10 people for the second day in a row while my sister slept. To make this short they finally ended up leaving to go with our dad 3 hours ago.
I had to fill up my gas tank at 37$ a pop 3 times over the past 4 days. I have spent over $400 on food only to have an empty refrigerator now. I had a carton of cigarettes that is now down to one pack because my sister allows her 11 and 13 year old to smoke.(not my kids so the best I could do was say not in my house but they had no problem sneaking out on my back porch to do it in the freezing cold) And she said something that worried me today and prompted me to write this...
Before she left she told me that she was afraid to go and had she known I was going to be so nice to her she would have just moved in with me until her husband pulled his head out his butt. (nice of her to assume I would have been this generous if not for my fathers begging) And she told me to keep my cell phone on because she knows she is going to need to talk to me and she is glad we "reconnected" so now she has a place to stay when she tells dad she wants to come back home.
Please for the love of (insert name of deity of choice here) someone tell me how I can get it through to both her and my father that I have my own family and my own priorities and my own issues and being at my sisters beck and call is no where on ANY list. I know I can say the words but how do I make them stick the first time they are said so I do not leave any hidden doors open for someone to think they can change my mind by a little more asking?
6 responses
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
1 Jan 08
First I'm going to do what Dutchess didn't do and ask why things between you and your sister are so toxic?
Second I'm going to say if you don't want to do something say no.. I know it's harsh but sometime you have to do it for your sanity. Appeal to you dad saying I have four kids of my own and my boyfriend and I have all the responsibility we can handle. Also see if there was a way that your dad could have gotten a shipment of propane/ oil what not until he was able to get her. That way they would all have heat and wouldn't have to be taken care off by you.
Third I'm sorry that your sister came into your home and slept and left you to watch her responsibility and offer you no assistance with yours.
Before I get Judgmental with your sister let me ask in any way did she help you out in your house or take care of her own kids while under your roof. for ex like offer to help clean up after dinner or watch the kids while you get more groceries for everyone there or even clean up after herself and her own kids.
If the answer is no then make sure the next time that either one of them asks you for her and her kids to stay there that you mention that she did not help you at all and you had to take care of everyone and you can't deal with the extra added responsibility because you have enough of your own with out adding hers.
No if the answer is she helped you out and you just can't get over what happened in the past. Make it clear to both of them that you just aren't in the position to have that many people in your house and you need to have your own time and that it was disruptive to your family.
Above all else be honest with both of them .. You should not have to put up with little kids smoking in your home or even outside of your home ... I hope that there won't be a next time that you have to deal with this and I hope that if this comes up agian that you are able to stand your ground and tell you father and sister no and stick to it.
Take Care and Happy New Year.
1 person likes this
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
1 Jan 08
What made you sleep with your sisters boyfriend?
But if she didn't help with anythingi wouldn't see why you would want to help her out agian..I know that when ever I have had the occasion of not staying at my place I was always helpful to the person in one way or another wether it always be the clean up of blankets and the clean up after dinner or what not I just see it as my way of helping and being grateful of being helped. I'm sorry that your sister is what I would have considered an ingreat.
Have a nice new years..
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
1 Jan 08
It is a long story but basically I was young on pain medications because I had just gotten out of the hospital earlier that day and not in any capacity to say no. I was wrong for doing it and I always understood why she was upset. I had friends sleep with people I was dating enough to know what it feels like.
I have helped out friends of mine in their time of need by letting them stay here and I have never had an experience like I did with my sister. My friends helped me clean up. They helped me cook food. My one friend even went out the one day her and her kids were here and bought all the food she needed and made dinner for everyone one night. I would readily help my friends if they needed it again over my sister in a heart beat.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
1 Jan 08
Well since you asked...my sister and I stopped speaking all those years ago because I slept with her boyfriend while they were still together. But that is a post for another time. We only knew of each others existence before that happened so it really didn't cost either one of us anything to make the decision not to have a relationship after she left him.
To answer you if she helped me in any way the answer is a resounding NO. In the middle of all this insanity I had to go get my hair done for a formal event I was attending Friday night and my 11 year old played mother hen while I went to the salon and I still hired a baby sitter for Friday night to watch my 4 kids because I knew she didn't even watch her 3. There was no way I was letting her be responsible for mine. She didn't help clean up after dinner. She didn't fold blankets or clean up the living room where they all slept. And she had no problem asking me to make her or her kids something when they were hungry even after when she got here I showed her around the kitchen and told her if she wanted it to get it. Not to mention she would turn my heat up to 80 because she was forever cold even under a down comforter and fully clothed in jeans and a sweater. Oh I could go on forever. lol But trust me my answer is no if anyone asks me any question that starts with "could your sister...." ever again.
@bstinson1989 (588)
• United States
31 Dec 07
That is a very good question. It is in my opinion that you stop letting people take advantage of you the minute they show signs up doing it for greed. No one likes a person who is going to take advantage of another simple so that they can get ahead. There are many instances where people do this- for example, greedy politicians. Now- I am sure that my answer to minute to satisfy a question so deep and profound. However, sometimes it is the most simple answer that brings about the best results.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
1 Jan 08
It would be more helpful if your answer had more to do with my worthless sister than greedy politicians. But thanks anyway.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
2 Jan 08
I think you have to be clear the first time you talk to them and please don't sugar coat it! Have your dad and sister sit down and make it clear that you helped her out ONLY because your dad requested and that you weren't really being nice. Tell them that you have a family of your own and they are important. A small help once in a while (if that's okay with you) is fine but not a full fledged family with kids staying with you (especially not one where the mother does not help one bit). Make it clear to your father too that you helped your half sister because he called (make sure you say this when both of them are there). As much as you love your dad, and find it hard to say NO to him, your dad should not be taking advantage of your kindness (for lack of a better word). It's for your half-sister to figure out how she is going to lead her life without ANYONE's help. You have absolutely no time to run errands for anyone or take care of their responsibilities.
If it's too hard to come out with the right words (I doubt you should have any problem on that front), write it down first and read it to make sure that you are making yourself loud and clear.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
3 Jan 08
There you go! I'm sure you will be able to handle the situation without a problem and you will be heard loud and clear (I hope so for your sake). I understand how it's hard to put your foot down with people you love but sometimes you have to when you find that they are pushing their limits.
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
2 Jan 08
Sviswan,
I have to say this has to be the best answer so far. I have to agree with you on the part where she's not going to have any problems finding the words.LOL!! (You know I love ya Cynical.) But you have solid and good advice Sviswan.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
2 Jan 08
I didn't choose a name like cynicalandoutspoken for nothing :) Bella is right SV you are absolutely correct. I'm just hoping that I don't have to be as harsh (for lack of a better word that mylot will actually allow me to print) as I think I am going to have to be to get the point across to them both. I know my dad will ask first and even though I hate to disappoint him I have finally realized that if he expects me to be my sisters doormat to prove my affection to him then he will ultimately be the one who ends up disappointing me.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
1 Jan 08
What a relevant issue!
One thing that I remembered when I read your post was the statement made by one of our esteemed MYLOT MEMBERS Raia.She had mentioned that people can never hurt us unless we allow them. I found this terribly true. Similarly people will stop taking advantage only when we clearly define it to them . When this is is not done at the first occasion itself[we think it would be cheap and churlish behaviour to refuse a legitimate request, and we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. This is the start and when we do this twice or thrice on account of courtesy the other person just gets used to it and conveniently would say that we are very nice and would never mind helping them in distress and that we are their saviours. Now the problem gets even more severe. We allow it more and finally reach a stage where we are unable to put a stop to this nonsense. One day when we are hurt badly we would turn around and complain only to be told that they were unaware of our displeasure in this matter. 'wHY DID you NOT SAY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE" THEY WOULD ASK WITHOUT BATTING AN EYELID.The solution to the problem is to clearly define your relationship, never give in to their ex[pectations when you know another person's nature and do things with an open, aware and unattached view point. ALL THIS SHOULD BE IDEALLY DONE RIGHT IN THE BEGINNING BUT BETTER BE LATE THAN NEVER. Spell out this to that exploitative sister of yours and to your father very clearly. If your father is going to be angry and is unable to see your point of view so be it. He is only playing favourites and you cannot be emotionally blackmailed. Do it without leaving it for ther next time. Anyhow, they are going to tarnish your image if they feel like it. Don't worry.A t least you maintain your peace this way.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
1 Jan 08
I agree with Natrak, great comment! You are so right! My step mother knows that I only did this because of my niece and nephews and because my father very rarely asks me for anything and since initially it was only supposed to be 2 days I didn't see a way to say no. But after everything that did happen and the way she acted and the things she did or more appropriately didn't do I am pretty sure I have plenty of examples to back up the resounding NO everyone is going to be told the next time I am asked to cater to my sister.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
1 Jan 08
Easier said than done Subha, easier said than done. It cost my father more monetarily to move her butt down to his house then it cost me to deal with her for several days. It is my fear it may end up costing him his marriage if he continually makes excuses for the way my sister is and I wrote this because I believe if it comes down to my step mom making that the ultimatum then i will be asked again to help and my answer will be no. I'm just looking for someone to explain to me how I can get that no through his head the first time I say it so I don't have to be mean about it and possibly effect the relationship I have with him.
@skinnychick (6905)
• United States
3 Jan 08
Oh my- I'm usually taken advantage of like this from my mom. I have to tell her no next time instead of buckling. This is what you tell your dad. As far as your sister, maybe you need to explain that you did not "reconnect" and that for whatever reason, you don't want to have a relationship with her. Sounds like she has some problems other than the husband- what the hell is she thinking letting those kids smoke- someone needs to call family services- that's ridiculous. Hey wait- call family services report her and then she wouldn't want a relationship with you anyway. Tell your dad you didn't agree with letting the kids smoke and that's that. Your dad should also address that issue with her... Not much help here sorry I'm in the same boat kind of.
@skinnychick (6905)
• United States
3 Jan 08
She'll learn. She will figure it out when "daddy" is no longer around and she has to fend for herself...karma is a b*tch!
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
3 Jan 08
we've been in the same boat more than once in our lives it seems. I have told my dad she is letting her 11 and 13 yr old smoke but until he catches them doing it he won't be able to discipline them. I won't call social services even though I have a million complaints I can make only because she is now staying with our dad and it will then fall on him to help her. I think he feels guilty for leaving when she was still really little and this is somehow his way of trying to make it up to her. He needs to realize she is grown woman and needs to stand on her own two feet without using him for support sooner or later. I didn't even meet this man until I was 17 and I never once asked him for anything in my entire life. She not only asks, she expects. She makes me sick. I'll stop typing now before I get mad all over again.
