Take risks, eat pickles!
January 5, 2008 12:41am CST
When I was a freshman in high school my geography honors teacher was amazingly hilarious. I was looking through some old papers and found something that he had handed out to us in class one day. I thought I'd share it here because it made me laugh and was an inside joke with our class to tell people to "take a risk, eat a pickle" and still is. Every pickle you eat brings you nearer death. Amazingly the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term "in a pickle". Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and riots. They can be related to most airplane crashes. Auto accidents are caused by pickles. There is a positive relationship between crime waves and the eating of pickles. For example: Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles. 100% of all pickles eaters have broken the law. 96.8% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles. 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the accident. 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where pickles are frequently served. Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating:Of the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality. All of the pickle eaters born between 1900 and 1910 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight - if the ills of eating pickles have not already caused their death. Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists. Rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens. Their appetites for wholesome food was destroyed. In spite of the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U.S. soil are devoted to growing pickles. Our per capita consumption is nearly four pounds. The Solution: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has has any problems from orchid petal soup.