should i tell or keep my mouth shut?

@chooochy (356)
January 10, 2008 5:53pm CST
my best friend has confided in me that she has been skipping her contraception for the last 2 months without telling her fiance as she is desperate for a baby, she lost her only child to cot death 3 years ago and has waited and waited for another, her fiance keeps saying, wait til they are married and then they can try for a baby, they are getting married in 2010 but she says she cant wait that long. he already has a child from a previous relationship and wants more children but she doesnt know if she can wait another 2 years as her heart is aching for a baby. My dilemma is, he is one of my best friends aswell and i feel this is unfair for her to be tricking him like this into having a baby by not taking her contraception and not telling him, but i i dont want to be unfaithful to her trust, ive spoken to her about it but she wont stop or tell him what she is doing!! what should i do? tell him or keep my mouth shut? what would you guys do?
3 people like this
24 responses
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
11 Jan 08
Wow..that is a tough one...Although I feel for your friend in having lost her only child, it's still not ok for her to skip her birth control and not tell her fiance. It could result in her fiance leaving her if he finds out, did she ever think of that? Maybe you could find some way of making him find out, without telling him directly? Although, how to go about it, i don't know. She should know though that even though she becomes pregnant again, it will never ever replace the child she's lost, if that's why she's aching for a baby so badly. And a child should be conceived through love and honnestly, not in secret of one of the parents. Well, good luck to you with this.
2 people like this
@chooochy (356)
11 Jan 08
thankyou , that is a very new perspective, i may put it to her like that, im sure that will trigger something with her, thankyou very much for your response.
1 person likes this
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
11 Jan 08
I'm glad i could be of any help.
2 people like this
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
11 Jan 08
What you can also tell her, is that if her fiance finds out and he does decide to leave her, because obvious trust issues, she will have her baby, as she wanted, but ALONE. There will no daddy for her baby, no fiance for her, and im sure she must love her fiance no? And does her baby deserve to have a life with no daddy?? That is being selfish on her part.
2 people like this
• United States
10 Jan 08
That's a tough one. I would have a hard time with that one too. I would most likely tell him what was going on. It is not fair to trick him. That could ruin their relationship. I would not want to hurt her but I think she is in the wrong on that.
@chooochy (356)
11 Jan 08
yes it is tough as i dont want to betray either of their thrust!
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jan 08
I can understand. You just do what yuo think is right.
2 people like this
• Abernathy, Texas
11 Jan 08
She can't fault you for betraying her trust - for her betrayal is far larger. Sometimes being a friend is keeping quiet, and sometimes in doing interventions when someone is engaging in unhealhty behaviour. WE can't decide which of those times this is, your intuition will tell you if you listen. :)
2 people like this
• United States
11 Jan 08
I say keep your mouth shut. You could cause problems for them. Also, if he really didn't want to have any children yet he would also take responsibility when it comes to the birth control issue. Guys should not just leave it up to us women if they don't want a child from the relationship. So, I say if she is skipping the pill and he doesn't want a baby, he should have used a rubber. I understand that he probably trusts her to take it though it's not totally effective anyway, but he should not completely make it her burden to prevent pregnancy. :)
@chooochy (356)
12 Jan 08
I agree, it does take 2 but then i guess there is supposed to be more trust between you when you are in a relationship especially a long term one!
• United States
11 Jan 08
Wow, that's not something to keep from your partner. I understand what she wants and her loss in the past but she has to think about him also. I can tell you feel the same way. I'm surprised she hasn't gotten pregnant yet b/c I got pregnant WEEKS after stopping my contraceptive pill. But every woman is different. If I were you and he's one of your best friends, I'd simply ask him "out of curiosity" what he would do if she were to ever come up pregnant and start it off with how you watched a talk show or heard this story similar to what your friend is doing. You'd have to ease your way into it or else he'll smell a rat. Good luck.
2 people like this
@chooochy (356)
11 Jan 08
thats a fantastic way to go about it , thankyou very much for your insight. i was suprised to as she only told me today but has been off them for 2 months apparantly!!
1 person likes this
@sizzle3000 (3038)
• United States
11 Jan 08
I think it would depend on who is my best friend. I think if the woman is my best friend and I have known her the longest and I am closer to her than him. This is how I decide. The woman wants a child and from what I gather the guy does too. He just wants to wait till they are married. Personally I think she should talk to him. It is not good to start a marriage on a lie. The other thing is it really is not anyone's business but the woman and guys. So you could end up loosing both friendships by telling the trueth. The only thing you can do is keep telling the woman that if she wants a happy and stable marriage and a good relationship she needs to be open and honest with the man she says she loves. Trust and honesty is the only way to have a lasting relationship. Leis have a way of comming back and smacking you in the face. Good luck with this problem. It is a doosy.
@chooochy (356)
11 Jan 08
haha it certainly is a doosy, lol you right though, im going to try to speak to her and get her to be open abou this with him. fingers crossed
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17851)
• United States
11 Jan 08
She has to talk to her fiance. Lying to him is very, very wrong! If he finds out (even after get gets pregnant) he may leave her for lying, and I wouldn't blame him. You should tell her if she doesn't say anything that you will because her decision is affecting both of them and will negatively affect her relationship in the future with him.
2 people like this
@chooochy (356)
11 Jan 08
i agree, i would hate for them to get married knowing what i know, it almost feels like im being dishonest to him as he is also my friend!
1 person likes this
@moonke (64)
• Australia
11 Jan 08
I personally would not tell him, but I would give her an ultimatium. She is being unfair to him, and him to her. I think they need to work this out together. Let her know if she doesn't tell him by this date then you will.
@Ohara_1983 (4119)
• Kuwait
11 Jan 08
i think you need to discourange your friend that she must tell to her fiance regarding her pregnancy than it will go for other fight or mis-understanding, dont let your self put in the middle maybe they will blame you, let her to tell the truth as soon as possible than everthing is late.
• United States
11 Jan 08
I would talk to her again because this is a situation where he is trusting her and she is basically lying to him about this. If she does get pregnant then he might loose trust in her and call off the wedding. Truth and trust are very important things in a marriage.
@foxyfire33 (10007)
• United States
11 Jan 08
Here's a question you need to ask yourself...What was her motive for telling you? If you're closer to him maybe she feels a little guilty about tricking him and is hoping you'll go running to him...and then of course you get portrayed as the untrustworthy friend who can't mind your own business to take the heat off of what she's done. And here's another one...How is he going to feel about you if/when he finds out that you knew she was trying to get pregnant and didn't tell him? I just thought of another one too...If you tell him before she gets pregnant, what are the chances she'll deny it and say you're lying and drive a wedge between you and him? She's put you in a really bad spot and I think you need to have a LONG talk with her before she destroys several relationships. I'm not going to judge her decision to try to get pregnant I just think it was really wrong of her to put you in this position.
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22920)
• United States
11 Jan 08
"How is he going to feel about you if/when he finds out that you knew she was trying to get pregnant and didn't tell him? " I was wondering that too...I know if it were me I'd be livid and would end the friendship right on the spot....
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@chooochy (356)
12 Jan 08
Yes thats the situation i dont want to be in, i have known him for longer but i have grown very close to her in the time i have known her, i couldnt possibly choose between them and risk losing either one of them even though she has but me in a rubbish position!
@foxyfire33 (10007)
• United States
12 Jan 08
The thing is, since she confided in you with this knowing you were close to him also, I don't think she has much respect for your friendship with him. And if she doesn't respect that then maybe she's not that great of a ffriend either. Not to mention the fact that if you were to remove yourself from this particular situation...would want to be friends with the kind of woman who would lie and trick (and trap) a man into becoming a father before he wanted to be?
@zhwbeast (328)
• China
11 Jan 08
No,I think you should keep your mouth shut. Love is things just between the two person,abd we could take part in it just by the opinion of ourself in the things they happened. They maybe have the reason could not tell others or in the situation we could not understand.Which seems to us is right maybe would become wrong in their situations. And as a friend,I think she is trust you.If what you says make things better,she will forgive you;but in the other side,I think you will lost your best friend.
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22920)
• United States
11 Jan 08
"Love is things just between the two person" I'm sorry but that sort of behaviour IS NOT love!
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jan 08
No it's not love. It's deception. It's dishonesty. It's lying. If you want to base a whole marraige out of a lie, go right on. But I know I would not want to enter into a marraige with the marraige being based on a lie. A woman in love does not do this. A psycho woman in lust will to "hang on" to her man. The woman in the story needs help. If she's that desperate for a baby, she needs to find out why.
• United States
11 Jan 08
That is a very tough call. Your friend has put you in a bad situation. What she is doing is completely wrong. I understand that she wants a baby, but she is going about it all wrong. He has to find out about what she is doing. I understand your dilema. Maybe you can tell him without actually telling him.
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22920)
• United States
11 Jan 08
OMG I didnt even have to think about this one..TELL HIM! What she is doing is FLAT OUT WRONG...its actually IMO quite disgusting really..I can't STAND ppl who pull that sort of nonsense...I would definately let him know, he has the RIGHT to know that she's basically trying to trap/corner him and thats just vile!!
1 person likes this
@spr1967 (208)
11 Jan 08
Friend or no friend she needs to be straight about this with her fella. My brother went through the same thing with his ex many years ago and it ended because she wanted it to end and cause she got what she wanted. If i were you which i aint i would stay clear and make sure your friend dont let slip later on that you knew about her intentions
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jan 08
They aren't getting married until 2010? Ek! You have to talk to her, and him. By talking to him I don't necessarily mean tell him your friends secret. But maybe you can make him see how much she wants a baby, how much her heart aches for one. Or maybe you can get her to talk to him about it, or get her to tell him her secret. I feel for you, being caught in a trap like this one! That is so awful that she lost a child! Must be the worst thing anyone can experience!
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18449)
• India
11 Jan 08
in this case your freind has to say to her fiance. she should tell him abt her feelings as she has told you. its bad to act in wrong way. she should tell him immedaitely.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jan 08
hey choochy, You certainly have a dilemma on your hands and enough people here have said, don't tell her, tell her, tell him, don't tell him, befriend the one who is truly your best-friend and so on. I have read both valuable and invaluable information on how to approach this but I did not read the inclusion of this avenue: Now it may loose both of them as friends because of betraying her while nearly keeping it from him--sit them both down and tell them what you know and why. Yes, pointing the finger at the culprit of this situation is necessary because one grows from truth but withers away from guilt . . . sharing the light and happy new year, Miss Erica Hidvegi, the Enlightenment_Advisor, B.A. Psych/M.A. Transpersonal Studies- Cnslng/Author, Artist, Photographer, Entrepreneur & Freelance extraordinaire http://groups.msn.com/TranspersonalRelationships/
• United States
13 Jan 08
The other thing that I would be worried about is that he might get angry and either hurt or even kill her because of the deceit. There does seam to be a lot of killing of pregnant women going on.
• United States
11 Jan 08
Thats a tough call. I would tell him. I understand she wants a bay and all but shes going about it the wrong way. If she does get pregnant he might reject the baby so to speak. If both partners are not fully commited to having a baby it can end up in a bad situation. How does she know he wont leave her for doing this? Has she thought about what happens once she is pregnant and has to tell him? Whats she going to say? Um I guess the pills didnt work? He will eventually find out the truth which will hurt the relationship, maybe to the point of him leaving. She is being dishonest to him. The man she loves. I would tell him. take him aside and tell him whats going on. Maybe he can go about telling her without saying you told him. Like he found her pills and sees she hasnt been taking them or something along those lines. Your in a tough spot because your friends with both of them. Do what you feel is right in your heart. Good luck and let me know what happens.
@cher913 (25861)
• Canada
11 Jan 08
yipes...i dont think you should tell him. you will definitely be risking your friendship if you do...BUT on the other hand, i would STRONGLY urge your friend to tell him...