Argument with Spouse/Partner

Argument - With Partner
@SViswan (12065)
India
January 21, 2008 10:11pm CST
What if an occassion arises when you do not see eye to eye with your partner/spouse in public? Would you argue irrespective of who is around (family, neighbours or strangers) or would you wait to get back home or some place private before you start arguing?
18 people like this
56 responses
@balasri (26546)
• India
22 Jan 08
I never never create a scene in front of the others.I just leave the place for a minute and carry it home.Well nowadays I even tend to forget it on the way back home.Age is catching up up with the knowledge that you can never see eye to eye with any one on any matter any longer.And you don't need to also.lol
2 people like this
@SViswan (12065)
• India
22 Jan 08
Yeah...happens to me too....by the time I get home..I forget. But sometimes it happens when relatives are around and I am embarassed to argue in front of them.
2 people like this
@balasri (26546)
• India
22 Jan 08
Nice people know to forget things.
@apsara60 (6611)
• Israel
22 Jan 08
Bala, this kind of forgetting is not your aging, it is your good nature, it means you don't have any bad feelings like taking revenge or deliberately hurting or using your right of dominating hubby.....You realise how much peace and harmony you retain in the house by not bringing such painful arguments home with you......now that is like a good hubby......:))
@lpetges (3036)
• United States
22 Jan 08
well its kind of hard to argue when the other person wont argue back.. yep believe it or not my husband will never argue.. he stays silent, and then i yell and say terrible things (just for a minute), and then i end up apologizing for saying the mean things i just said.. stupid, he really makes me mad when he wont argue,, but i guess he is the one who knows what to do, because it works out that way everytime.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12065)
• India
23 Jan 08
wow! he NEVER argues? I can see how it gets you mad though..lol I would be too if I was arguing with a stone.
• United States
22 Jan 08
When I was younger, I refused to have any disagreement in front of ANYONE. Over time, I realized that if our kids didn't see me and my partner working out differences in a healthy way, they wouldn't have any idea how to do that. So depending on the topic, I will work out a disagreement in front of the kids. If it's about our relationship, though, it's private. I think it's extremely rude and to argue in public, or at larger family functions. Other people don't want to be part of your business. I will NOT argue in the car. Everybody is trapped. Tension does not contribute to safe driving. It just isn't fair to anyone. My partner's ex-wife is a wacko who thought nothing of driving up to his apartment, standing outside, and screaming until he came out to placate her. She even tried to break down his door! After we got involved I stopped that crap by calling the police, which resulted in her going to the loony bin for an involuntary stay. They were married for ten years, and we've been together for nine now. He's still resetting his "normal meter" about some things. One caveat: If I were in a bad relationship, I would break up (quietly!) in a public place. That offers a certain amount of safety with someone you have reason to believe might get violent. I don't have to worry about that now, but I made some poor decisions earlier in my life, and I *wish* I had known this back then.
@SViswan (12065)
• India
23 Jan 08
I couldn't have said it better...and I liked how you put different situations. I also agree about how kids should witness a disagreement (unless it gets abusive or it's personal) so that they learn to work out differences in a healthy way. You are right about the car too...it isn't safe with tempers rising. You've learnt from your mistakes in the past and have emerged as a balanced adult (which can't be said about everyone who's made mistakes in the past). Thanks for the response.
• United States
23 Jan 08
I usually what until we are some place private. I hate arguing in front of family and friends or anyone else for that matter. Well I hate fighting all together actually. Though he usually knows it when I'm mad and vise versa.
2 people like this
@moneyandgc (3429)
• United States
22 Jan 08
If it is something really bad and we make each other mad, we still don't argue in public. We tend to avoid one another instead. If we are extremely quiet and not cuddly like we normally are with one another, chances are we are mad at each other and are just waiting to be some place private to have it out. I don't like to yell at my husband in public, I like to keep our business private. His ex-wife used to start fights in public and it drove him crazy. That would be embarrassing I think.
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (56737)
• Delhi, India
22 Jan 08
Normally, if this kind of occasions arises, I would not argue in public. I can supress my emotions at that time and same can be expressed privately later on. I do not believe in arguing when family members are around. If my partner is in bad mood,I prefer to keep quite, instead of creating a scene. It sometimes has happened that I could not control myself and started arguing, but later on I found that it made an adverse impact on kids. They take it very seriously and later on point it out to us that you fought in a manner unexpected of us. The main thing is while arguing how much you can control your voice and anger. If you can keep your tone down and express yourself politely but firmly...it really works. Good Post indeed! Have a great day!
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
22 Jan 08
True deepak i agree with u
@SViswan (12065)
• India
22 Jan 08
Though I personally agree that fighting in front of kids is not a good idea...arguments (without raising your voice) can actually benefit them in the long run. They learn that it is human to argue and they also learn the right way to voice their opinion without attacking each other. Most kids who have not seen their parents argue at all find it difficult to maintain relationships when they grow because they are not aware of how to go about it. Like you said, it's the voice and tone that has to be maintained.
1 person likes this
@apsara60 (6611)
• Israel
22 Jan 08
Yes deepak I agree with you that it is not nice to argue infront of chidren as long as they are small. But when children are big sometimes they give us better advice and make peace.....lol
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
22 Jan 08
Hi Sviswan well i believe that these things must be settled privately so far no such occasion arises and hope nor will arise in future and when ever we have some conflict or differnce of opinion, we solve it with in room, as we live in joint family so i never did it in tv lounge or some other part i believe that ur spouse and partner is ur responsibilty and u r not two, so treat them with respect even u r angry as its respect of ur family, if u shout in crowd, in presence of family member even in presence of ur kids, does not leave good impression , infect reduce ur respect as family so why give chance to others to talk about us its my opinion take care
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
22 Jan 08
Ha ha ha Mithraa jeee nice start of the day well its not copy i have notify on so i get message at my hotmail, i respond to it and then read comments of others, but sure they can be matching Thats all how was ur night, did u watch taare Zammen per
@SViswan (12065)
• India
22 Jan 08
that's a nice stance to take...especially in a joint family. Though I like to live in a joint family, I'm scared of my husband's temper in front of people. Even if I go into the room to discuss, he will come out shouting for the whole world to hear. Like Mithra said, the 'silent' therapy works best for me.
1 person likes this
@apsara60 (6611)
• Israel
22 Jan 08
hi friends, kya baat hai aaj toh cupidjee badi samjhdari ki baate kar rahe hai....lol. looks like he is the best hubby in the world.....:))
@apsara60 (6611)
• Israel
22 Jan 08
SViswan, nice discussion, Now what should I tell you, my husband's normal voice itself is like he is fighting, sometimes I have to put cotton in my ears........lol. I know it is a very bad manners to scream or argue with spouse in public...I understand this and try to wait tell we are alone or if necessary I speak softly, but he...does not care.....like when we go for shopping and have almost done, and suddenly I say, oh I forgot salt wait I will get it, immediately he will scream....kya abhi taak kya kar rhai thi, kuch yaad kyu nahi rehta...etc etc....I try to control myself, but you know SV, I am very hot tempered, once I loose my temper I shout back and that is what do, I tell him koi asaman nahi gir pada hai, itna chilow maat, and then he becomes normal and says, APUN TOH ASSIYCH BOLTA HAI... and I start smiling thinking of Munna bhai........he does not care if 10 people are looking at us.some men never change, ulta they change you.......lol
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12065)
• India
22 Jan 08
lol..your husband sounds exactly like mine! But I don't shout back when there are people around. I do it only when I am at home alone with him and then he gets a earful....but if we are in public, I make a face and move away and he gets the silent treatment most of the time. I've learnt to do it at home too (if it's not a direct taunt or something concerning the kids) and then I forget all about it after I sleep.
1 person likes this
@apsara60 (6611)
• Israel
22 Jan 08
:)) SV dear , do we have any choice...bhoolna toh padtha hi hai,....I have to give up because he does not eat unless I serve him.......and to serve him I have to come back into normal mood.....and if he will not eat, then obviously I won't enjoy my share.......lol...so you see forgetting and forgiving is necessary to get basic need....."FOOD".....:))
@SViswan (12065)
• India
23 Jan 08
lol..ek aur nayi therapy! Abhi book likhna padega sab therapiyon ke baare mein. My husband will eat if I serve him or not...so if I am angry and decide not to cook even, he just gets something delivered home or goes out to have a bite...of course, he's very angry then...but he can't fight with someone who isn't talking...and this happens only if he has said something really hurtful to me. nahin to...I just serve him and walk off to be on my own.
@mimpi1911 (25473)
• India
22 Jan 08
Sviswan, I think, it's always wise to keep the rage and rant in hold while in public and pick up the same thread privately. My mom is excellent in dealing with things. She would keep mum and give a cold shoulder to my father even when things are apparently cooled down. She would not snap or shout or shout but she has to have her points right at the end of it all. My sister, however is diagonally opposite. The couple would argue like anything and the point is exaggerated to the extent that would digress from the original topic of contention. It would end up ludicrously and mu bro-in-law would say sorry invariably. I have found them always arguing, which replaces discussing in many cases. I think, it's very important how it all ends. It should always end in a sweet note. Me personally, tend to forget the thread of argument and it takes only a day or two to smile over it.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12065)
• India
22 Jan 08
Yes, I give the silent treatment and then forget all about it after I've had a good sleep. It's like starting with a clean slate...but the problem with that is that issues are not discussed and it happens again. I'm a little scared of my husband's temper and so I prefer not to discuss it either especially if there are other people around. The only real issues I take up (even if I know that they might end up on a bad note) is those of the kids. I can't leave that to chance.
@mimpi1911 (25473)
• India
22 Jan 08
That's true. But most of the times we argue over futile things which could have done well without. Issues like children and family should be dealt differently with different kind of people. For that its very important to know the person we are living with in the first place. When the marriage gets old, issues get diluter and easier.
@SViswan (12065)
• India
23 Jan 08
I don't argue about silly things anymore....like who'll put the garbage out....and who'll buy the grocery....I take care of everything I can and then leave the rest for later or do it according to my convenience. The are many things I am silent about because I know it's not worth arguing about and even if it irritates me, I've learnt to live with it. But like I said...kids...that's not something I will leave to chance and will argue if I think what I'm saying is right.
• United States
22 Jan 08
It all depends on the topic. if it was a minor disagreement,I would wait until we got home. But if he said something that was a complete lie and it was a major topic. I would either walk away or better still leave him there and find my own way home, or I would let him have it right then and there."Lies don't become us." I have no tolerance for liars and it would hurt to see that my boyfriend was a liar.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12065)
• India
22 Jan 08
Interesting...atleast you are honest. Has it ever happened before? Have you 'let him have it then and there'?
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Jan 08
I don't have a steady right now. And no I haven't had to let a boyfriend have it.
• United States
22 Jan 08
I have never understood why poeple have to let the whole world know what is going on. Sometimes you just need to keep your mouth shut until you have a place to discuss it. I was with a mna that would degrade any chance he had and he didn't care where we were or who heard. It is very embarrasing and it makes you feel like you are worthless. Like the other person that responded i have npw moved on to a healthier relatioship. We talk about things before they get out of hand and we don't do it in public. This is the way it should be in a good relationship.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12065)
• India
22 Jan 08
You are absolutely right! There is no reason why everyone needs to know your issues with your spouse/partner. I think it's disrespectful for the spouse. But I have seen my neighbour do it and his wife thinks it's okay. I find that my blood boils and she thinks that's the way it is and so goes along with it.
• United States
22 Jan 08
That is to sad for her. Some people just have never been in a good relationship and think that's the way it's supposed to be.
22 Jan 08
i like this question! in my past marriage my ex wife used to start arguments about the silliest little things and would care where she did it, and quite honestly didnt care who heard it! she would not call me names or anything like that but she would embarrass me in public or even in front of members of my family so she could make her point, but everyone had to listen, it was like she wanted some random stranger to come up to us and help gang up on me. she would shout across the store or car park, i just hid inside myself and pulled that face that said, "will you shut up". but whilst thinking that i should also say it, i thought that someone would come over and .......sort e out. i am now in a loving relationship with my now wife, who is very understanding and we dont even argue, we have discussion but we dont argue. if we think of anything that we dont agree on we whisper it or wait till we get home and discuss it, there has never been a raised voice from either of us.
• United States
22 Jan 08
I'm glad to hear that you are now with someone that cares about you and your relationship.
@SViswan (12065)
• India
22 Jan 08
It's good to know that you have an understanding wife now. It would have been so embarassing for you with your ex-wife. I'm glad she's not with you anymore.
@foxygirle (377)
• Philippines
16 Feb 08
I prefer arguing without anyone around. I keep quiet on public places. Most of the time are arguments are confine inside the car. I walk away from my husband if he starts saying something I dont like in public places or just keep quiet.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12065)
• India
23 Mar 08
Sounds like a good plan.
@devilsangel (1817)
• United States
15 Feb 08
I'm not really big on arguements to begin with so I try to limit them no matter where I am. If something should happen and we get into a disagreement in public sometimes we'll argue in sign language, I know that may seem weird but it takes a public issue and makes it semi private. Until we can get home and get things worked out properly.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12065)
• India
23 Mar 08
That's great....and a wonderful idea. I should get my husband to learn sign language (I'm already planning to)
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
15 Feb 08
I would try not to argue in public as I would not want to create a scene. However, depending on the topic of the argument, sometimes it is hard to control your emotions. If someone has hurt you really bad despite of what place you are at. You may not be able to hold those emotions back.
@SViswan (12065)
• India
23 Mar 08
I understand....but I usually handle it by giving glares...and the silent treatment...or mumbling something under my breath so that he knows we need to talk..lol
@chrislotz (8200)
• Canada
29 Jan 08
Oh I definitley wait till we get home. I will not argue in front of anyone else. I think this is so rude. People don't want to hear it. I know I certainly don't want to hear other people arguing. I have heard things when my firends have argued and it's usually something I don't want to know about. So I wouldn't put my friends or family members in a situation like that. They will tend to take my side and I don't want them to have any hard feelings about my husband. Or vica versa, they take his side and think bad thoughts about me. So no, I don't think it is too smart to argue in front of others. Take it home.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12065)
• India
30 Jan 08
Interesting that you mentioned that you wouldn't argue in front of family members because your family members might have hard feeling about your husband. That's exactly how I see it too. Our argument will fade and we will be happily together...but our family might still keep a grudge or have hard feelings for our partner and I do not want that.
• Australia
29 Jan 08
I prefer to wait and i prefer others to wait rather than try to kill each other at my house but i understand anger is an emotion you cant always hold in untill you get home, depending on the circumstances.
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@SViswan (12065)
• India
30 Jan 08
I agree! Fortunately, I've never been in a situation where I can't control myself...it's usually a glare and he knows what I mean.
@mcjeannie (704)
• Philippines
24 Jan 08
My parents trained me well not to laudry my dirt in public.And this saying is an excellent application of your querry. My hubby and I wouldn't argue in front of people especially when relatives are around too.I wouldn't want people overhearing our discussion or heated arguments with angry or swearing words that would make us look like we're bad people.You see, when one is upset or at the peak of anger, one could never be so careful with words they utter or say.Behaviour too and attitude changes.Arguments done privately is a good way too to prevent relatives involved with your problems and not be nosey of it.Embarassment is also prevented this way.But foremost, privacy to resolve the issue with your partner is better, this way you get to know more each other's side and not not be bias when friends or other relatives are involved. For the benefit of partners, it is better to argue in private.It works for me and my hubby very well!!!
@SViswan (12065)
• India
25 Jan 08
That's the best way to go:)
@jcj_111776 (3220)
• Philippines
24 Jan 08
No. This is something my husband absolutely hates. Arguing in public. As much as possible, I try to control my emotions until we have the privacy that we need to sort out our problem. And we do try to control our anger especially when we're infront of our son. He doesn't need to see his parents arguing. But the truth is, it was my husband who taught me how to control my emotions. Before we were married, as all couples experience, we had our share of arguments. And there were times that those arguments appear when we're in a public place. I never made a humiliating scene like shout at him or worse, but people do notice that I'm terribly upset. So when this thing happens, he asks me to wait for the right time and the right place to sort out the argument. And that people doesn't need to know that we're arguing.
@SViswan (12065)
• India
24 Jan 08
Glad to know that your husband is helping you out on that front. I'm sure soon you'll master controlling it on your own:) Practice makes perfect!
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jan 08
hello, and well me and my spouse argue. i want to wait but he feels that he can argue anywhere. I don't think that is right to put your business out there in front of everyone and then act like there is nothing wrong. He is the type who like to make you look like it is your fault no matter what. I drives me crazy. I told him if you won't wait until we are alone then I won't talk to him and walk away.
@SViswan (12065)
• India
24 Jan 08
My husband's the same...but I realized soon enough that if I was silent, he cooled down sooner than he normally would. So, I keep my mouth shut and walk away to do something else till he comes over.