After the affair & other child

United States
January 24, 2008 8:31am CST
I found out in October that my husband of 9 years had been having an affair for 6 months prior. The week after I found out about the affair I found out the other woman was pregnant. I don't know how many marriages have successfully recovered from such a devastating situation. I have two small children (ages 6 & 3) with my husband. They totally adore there father and believe it or not I do still love him. He has apoligized to me several times. I would like to keep our family together but I don't know how to handle dealing with the other woman and child. I don't blame the other woman because she didn't know about me and the child is innocent to all of this. I think my problem is trusting my husband because when everything started coming out he wasn't totally honest about everything. I don't know how to trust him in his dealings with her. If I decide to totally commit to this marriage again this child will be a part of my life. Has anyone been a similar situation or known someone in a similar situation? How did you handle this?
2 people like this
11 responses
@dlkuku (1936)
• United States
24 Jan 08
First of all, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Having said that, your husband broke your trust, and right now not trusting him is acceptable. He has to earn your trust back and it will probably take a long time. A marriage can recover from an affair, but it will take a lot of time and work from both of you. I suggest you look into marriage counseling, if you can't afford it or your insurance doesn't pay for it, look into free programs in your neighborhood, sometimes even local churches can provide help and counseling. Usually when an affair happens it's because there is a lot more wrong in the marriage than people realize, I am not excusing his behavior, what he did was wrong and hurtful to you, but sometimes an affair can be a symptom of a deeper problem. If you feel your marriage is worth saving then by all means use any resource you can find. If more people were like you and willing to work through their marital problems there would be a lot less divorce. I have my own story but I really don't feel like splattering it all over the Net, I hope you understand, some things are just too personal.
• United States
24 Jan 08
Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, he suggested we go to counseling earlier in the year but I didn't take him seriously. I felt like the little problems we were having we could work out ourselves. Boy, was I wrong. Anyways, now I have put the ball in his court as far as counseling. I have told him that he needs to arrange it if he want's to make this work. I have talked to the minister at our church and he has agreed to do the counseling but I want my husband to take the step of actually setting it up. That would be a huge statement to me.
1 person likes this
@lala766 (240)
• United States
25 Jan 08
I agree him taking the innitative to set up the counseling would show that he is headed in the right direction and ready to start fixing things.
@dlkuku (1936)
• United States
25 Jan 08
So many people take ending a marriage as an easy solution, yes, it is hard to save a marriage but it's so worth the effort and it's encouraging to see someone willing to do what they can to do so. I hope your husband is willing to take the steps to restore your relationship. Once your relationship is on the right track, then you can figure out how to deal with the child, together.
@lightningd (1041)
• United States
24 Jan 08
At least you found out before the child was born. I wasn't that lucky. It was not until the child was nearly 2 that I found out about my husband's affair. The worst part was, this child fell in between our first son and our second son. He claimed it was a one night stand. His older sister had known about the child all along and never said anything. I tried to make it work. I lasted until our youngest was 10. His constant accusations of me cheating although I had never considered it, eventually destroyed the marriage, along with his drinking. He was also trying to say that our youngest was not his. (Keep in mind this was not a possibility, as I never dreamed of cheating and thought he was faithfull until I found out about his affair and our youngest was 1.) I guess this was his way of making his affair OK in his mind. If he could convince himself that I had cheated, he felt less guilty. The accusations got to the point that they were rediculous. We lived in a smaller sized town of about 1300 people. I had taken the children for dental appointments. One evening, we were going somewhere, and the kid's dentist was out jogging. He waved when he saw the vehicle, and I was instantly accused of having an affair with him. This continued non-stop until the day I said I had enough of his accusations and his drinking which had become so bad that he was becoming verbally abusive and throwing things having tantrums. He blamed the children for him breaking a grinder, because he couldn't hold the item he was trying to grind and grind it at the same time. So he threw it on the ground. The boys had just had company show up, and they had gone over to meet them. This was enough for me. Anyway, our marriage lasted 15 years. I tried to make it work for the kids, but I finally said I could not be miserable and subject my kids to his drunken tantrums, for fear that he could hurt them by his actions of throwing things. I guess it boils down to if you think you can work it out, then it's worth a try. You may or may not be able to fogive him, but you'll never forget. Especially with the other child, and most likely he will have to support it. I suggest maybe some counseling, and you're going to have to be honnest with yourselves and the counselor. You can try to treat it like a previous marriage and just assume the step-parent role as far as the child goes. If you and your husband can be honnest about everything, it will work out.
2 people like this
• United States
24 Jan 08
Lightningd, sorry to hear about your marriage. I guess only time will tell how things work out for me. We are still really loving towards each other. I know that he wishes he could make the whole thing go away. I keep telling him we have to deal with it because it happened and now we will have another child to consider.
1 person likes this
@lala766 (240)
• United States
25 Jan 08
Hello I am sorry to hear you are going through this. One of my close friends is in the same situation as you right now. So over the last few months I have had many conversations with her about this issue. Her husband had an affair and now their is a new baby in the picture as well. She is having a hard time including the new baby in her life. But I told her if you forgive him then you have to accept this baby because she is the most innocent in this situation. I have told her to seek help from her church as well as professional counseling. I do not think this is something you get over right away it takes time and a lot of patience. The feelings you have are understandable and hopefully you can both be honest with eachother in regards to your feelings and work out a plan that will help you guys move ahead and also let this child know she is loved. I wish you the best!!
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 08
Thank You lala766!
@lala766 (240)
• United States
25 Jan 08
no propblem keep us posted on your progress. most importantly remember you have a long road ahead of you both that will be filled with ups and downs but stay encouraged ( :
• United States
23 Sep 08
Hello i myself am going through the very same thing that you are going through my husband cheated and the other woman appeared at my house and my husband had lied about his wear abouts but when the other woman came to my house the stuff hit the fan i was face with the most hardest desision of my life but the only thing this woman still wants my husband and is useing the child as a way to control the matter but God is helping us step by step and it has not been easy.but as long as your husband can remember that the chiild those not come before the vows and not allow the other woman to come in between than how you and him work on the marriage is up to you to not her and the child because the only one your husband owes anything to is the child not the other woman and she need to respect that and if she those not than your husbands need to take care of the child with money but need to be ready not to deal with the matter until the child is able to talk for his or herself and the mother need to go through the court if needed because if you all want to stay together and one with each other than she need to know that the child is not going to be a tool for them to enjoy there mess and rekindle there sin you can do it but stand your ground and stay prayerful they have nothing to talk about other than the childs welfare you also would have yo show respect to her but donot have to befriend her be wise but not stupid.THE DEVIL COME TO STEAL,KILL,AND DESTROY AND HE IS NOT HAPPY THAT GOD HAS GIVIN YOU THE GRACE TO SAVE A COVEANAT.
@bellaofchaos (11549)
• United States
25 Jan 08
Happy2bfree, I am so sorry that you are in this situation and that your children are in this situation. I have one question to ask you do honestly think that you could ever trust him again? I'm sorry you feel that trusting your husband was your problem, you have been with him for a long time and want to automatically give him the benefit of the doubt. I hate to say it but I highly doubt the woman is as innoncent as you think. I find that if she has been with him for 6 months that she probably new. Unfortunately they are now having a child together. The child is innocent I agree. The reason I say that the other woman probably knew is because when I was dating this one guy he said that he was no longer with his other half and that he was living with his parents. Boy was that a lie. I ended up realizing that things weren't what he said they were becuase of certain things he would do and how much time we actually had together and alot of other things ... Wether or not she wanted to admit to these signs I guarentee that they were there. In my case I ended up calling his other half and we had a talk and we ended up confronting him together. So I will say even though he or she says she had no clue I find that hard to believe. If you want to continue the relationship I would say that the trust has to be reearned if he has a job that is for ex 7-3 and it's a 1/2 hour commute. Then I would say that he would have to leave no earlier than 6:15 am and be home no later than 3:45 I say this because he has to reearn his trust back and prove to you that there is no way he is going to go back to his old ways. You know how they talk about being a dog on a chain well guess what he's a dog and he's got to be on a chain for a while I would also seek out consuling for you and him individually and together and then once the child is born maybe for you two kids becuase how are you going to explain this kid poping up and not being yours? I would make your husband explain it to your children when it comes to the baby becuase he was the one who caused the situation let him explain it not you .. Let him take responsibility for his actions. Then there is another thing are you going to be able to physically handle the ex mistress calling and say that she's in the hospital her water broke or that she needs him to come to a doctor appt with her are you going to be able to trust him during this? This is something only you can answer for youself. I am truly sorry that you are in this situation and that you family has to go through this. I wish you luck and love and I hope I haven't sounded to harsh about anything it's not my intention , my intention is just to let you know from the other side that you end up figuring it out I did it in about a month or so to be blind for six months is not realistic.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 08
Bellaofchaos, no you do not sound harsh. You are only telling the truth. What you said in your response, the majority is right on point. I actually talked with the 'other' woman and while she said that he told her we were no longer together she knew something wasn't right. I think it took so long to come out because he HAD been working on a job which caused him to travel. So he was able to lie to me and her about his whereabouts. To answer your question, do I think I could honestly trust him again I would have to say that it's going to take AWHILE, but I think I can. It will be like starting over with a new person because anyone you get into a relationship has to earn your trust, it doesn't happen automatically.
• United States
25 Jan 08
I totally agree that it will be starting over agian. It will not be easy but I wish you luck and love if this is what you want to and work it out. We are always here on mylot to talk to if you need anything take care.
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
25 Jan 08
I commend you for still loving your husband and your willingness to stay together. If I was in your situation and I don't have a history of cheating, I don't think I could forgive the guy. I would probably divorce the heck out of him.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 08
I am laughing at your response because about 3 years ago I would have done just that. The past 3 years I have grown a great deal spiritually which is the only reason I haven't kicked him to the curb.
• Philippines
24 Jan 08
i'm sorry to hear that...first i really don't know what it feels like and i didn't ever imagine it will happen to me..but if incase it will then i guess i will be on the same feelin that your in right now...its pretty hard to trust back a love one whom you dedicated your life so much...once the trust is broken its so hard to regain it back,,i know how hard it is with regards to trust...i had mistaken to lie with my partner as well and things with us never worked out even if how much we love each other..we ended up bringing up the same things and fight..he hardly trust on almost anything since then that i had mistakenly lied...now for sure i know i don;t ever wanna repaet the same mistake again...i've never been on your situation but i hope everything with you will be alright..your right the child is innocent and if in the first place your husband lied about you on his mistress...the blame could be all his...i'm sorry.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 08
No need to be sorry. I'd say the affair was 100% his fault because he didn't have to go there. It was childish and selfish no matter what was going on at home.
@asgtswife04 (2482)
• United States
24 Jan 08
It is always devestating dealing with your spouse cheating on you, but i can't imagine knowing that this other woman is having his child. I know that you still love him...I have been there, but thankfully no child was involved. I don't know what i would do having to see a woman that my husband cheated on me with all the time. i wish i had some encouraging words, but you have to decide if you love him enough to forgive and forget about what happened or your marriage will not last. it's a tough call to make but if you don't feel like you can forgive it's better to end the relationship so that there aren't fights in front of your other children. they don't need to see that and you don't need to go through that either. i am so sorry that this has happened to you and if you ever need to talk i'm here nights. good luck and keep us posted. God bless
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 08
You might not think you have encouraging words but your response is encouragement enough. I really think that I have forgiven him. I don't feel bitter towards him. I do know that we do have things to work on. Our discussions have gotten a little heated sometimes but we refrain from doing that around the children.
@Stephanie5 (2947)
• United States
24 Jan 08
Wow! I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you! That must be horrible and I can understand how 'torn' you are. I don't know what I'd do. I probably wouldn't be able to work things out with my husband because I don't think I could ever ever trust him again. It's worth a shot though since you have kids. I heard someone say the other day that you shouldn't stay together for the kids, that kids would rather come FROM a broken home, than LIVE in one. Good Luck. I'll say a prayer for you.
• United States
24 Jan 08
Stephanie5, I know what you are saying. The trust thing is the biggest factor for me. I know it wouldn't be just for the kids because like I said earlier, I do still love him. I love his company and we had fun together. Neither of us likes to fight and we never did that in front of the kids. If it works, it will be for the two of us and not the kids that's for sure.
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
25 Jan 08
I don't think keeping a marriage without trust and love would really survive. If you want to keep your family, you have to accept your husband, regardless of what he had done.Talk to him, learn to trust him. Tell him to tell you the whole truth to be able to learn to trust him again. I am a product of a broken family and I am happier this way because my mom had learned to live her life without my father. She had learned to accept the fact that you can't keep some who wants another person and keeping him even if he is keeping another women is more painful for the children. I don't agree that the woman is innocent, she should have noticed that your husband is committed in times that he wasn't there for her. Their child is innocent and not to be blamed. I have three stepsiblings, though I don't see them often, I still consider them as my siblings. My mom had accepted that they are my father's children and they will always be. She had learned to accpet my father's shortcoming but she had also learned to let go when he had made his choice that his mistress and his kids need him more that we did. I guess you have to start over, learn to love yourself first. If you think you can live your life as if nothing had happened or what happened is just an ordinary thing, then accept your husband and be a family again. But if it haunt you everyday and you'll lose confidence and respect for yourself, then its better to give it up and gather yourself together first.
@Estina54 (389)
• United States
25 Jan 08
Though it is not right to applogize to somebody after having an extra marital child and expect to be forgiven, not all mariaged that have this problem end in divorce. When I read the condeesions of all whimps on this site that complain about only cheating without any consequences, I can't help thinking about situations when the man has children as a rsult od an affair and it won't be easy to have his lover give up asking for child support. Some couples that have a steady marriage could work this out.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
25 Jan 08
I'm so sorry for your situation. I understand how it will be difficult to trust your husband again. But since you believe that neither the woman nor the child is at fault and you want to hold your marriage together for the sake of your kids, you might have to accept them (or rather the child). You can talk to the other woman and make it clear that you wouldn't like for the relationship (your husband and her)to continue...but you do not mind accepting the child as his child. You also have to make it clear to your husband that you will not be easy on him if he does it again. Personally, if I was sure my husband is sorry for what he has done, I would accept the situation and move on especially if I didn't want to separate my kids from him...yes, it would be difficult for me to have a good relationship with him...but I guess time heals all wounds if he doesn't repeat his mistake again. But on the other hand, if I wasn't really happy with my husband and the kid's problem didn't arise, I would proabably divorce him.