Will Marriage still work Out?

Philippines
January 28, 2008 9:20am CST
Youve been married to him since you were 16 years old... All the while you thought that this marriage is really for keeps.. but as years goes by you realized your differences and you begin to quarell even the slightest things in life. You called it quits before anything bad might happen to both of you.. But Your kids are the one affected.. What will you choose? to stay married for the sake of the kids or to be at peace and contented with a life without him?
3 people like this
20 responses
@spoiled311 (5502)
• Philippines
28 Jan 08
hi jojolui! i think that marriage can still work. every marriage can still work even if on the rocks if both parties are willing to compromise to make things work. it doesn't help if each one blames the other for past mistakes. if you are bent on making things work for both of you and your family, you can do it. start by seeking a marriage a counselor and by committing yourself to actually improving your marriage and therfore your life. may the good Lord bless you with wisdom what to do. take care always! :-)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
28 Jan 08
I agree. Talk to your husband. If he's willing to work it out for the sake of the kids, you should definitely give it a try. If you're just quareling over small things, I think you just need to learn to respect each other.
• United States
29 Jan 08
People change as they grow - 16 is not the same as 30 and certainly not the same as 40. The marriage that you describe existed back in the days of our greatgrand parents - they don't exist anymore. Now a day - you are lucky to make it past the first year - then at the first sign of trouble or difficulty all bets are off. I believe it should be more difficult to get married in the first place - than it is to get a divorce. It seems to be the other way around. In addition, I don't believe you should EVER stay for the sake of the kids - they get more damaged by the destress than the parents.
@schilds (410)
• United States
17 Feb 08
I have to disagree with this. I think divorce should be extremely difficult! If it was an ordeal to get divorced people wouldn't get married with the idea in heads that they can just get divorced if things don't work out. The reason marriages often don't last past the first year is that it is easier to file for divorce than it is to buck up and fix your relationship. Or, they never should have been married in the first place, but what the heck - for $250 you can order a kit to get divorced by mail.
@schilds (410)
• United States
17 Feb 08
I also disagree with the notion that you never stay for the sake of the kids. I think if you chose to marry a man and have children with him - you owe it to those children to do everything you can to make that family work. Unless there is abuse - then you need to show them that it is not acceptable to give or accept abuse. Otherwise - you deal with it - you do whatever you can to make peace (that goes for both parties) in the home until the children are grown. Once they are adults - your life is your own again, and you can do as you please.
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
28 Jan 08
I think that the problem is no one stays 16 forever, we mature. Now speaking as a 65 year old woman I am certainly not like I was at 16 nor at 20 or 25. As for my self I married a man that was so stuck on ideas on how things should be that he never grew up, he is still stuck on the idea that people , particularly women are on earth to serve him in any capacity he feels the need for. and so far that need is financial, emotional and physical. in other words he never grew up. when I was 18 he was like a big over grown kid and a lot of fun, but after a while it wasn't fun any more it was real irresponsibility, and again he never accepted responsibility for his actions. So to answer your question if you both do not grow and mature together the marriage is never going to succeed
• Canada
28 Jan 08
Boy do you understand where it's at Robin!!!
@ayou82 (3460)
• Philippines
18 Feb 08
THINK! you have to evaluate y0our relationship specially if there is kids involve. For me, why should I continue a falling relationship and I know from myself that it is not going to work anymore, I don't want to hide it from my kids I rather tell them whats happening around and they have to live with the reality that this is life, Than pushing yourself just for the sake of the kids but you see they will be more affected by whats happening between you and your partner. They will see violence everyday and it will surely affect them Am i Right?
@goldwin65 (937)
• Malaysia
17 Feb 08
16 is too young of an age to get married nevertherless since you agree to marry him in the first place, I don't see any reason that your marriage will trumble. Not unless you want it to trumble. Try to sit down and see the factors that leads to your misunderstanding. Perhaps things will get to the betterment. Good luck
@marque (19)
• Philippines
17 Feb 08
you know everyboby is searching for a perfect marriage...divorce is always available....but for me marriage is sacred to whom you choose to be with but what's important is you accept each other whatever positive or negative behavior they have...dont tell me...your perfect..coz' i know everybody is not perfect...as long as you understand each others...but it doesn't mean you dont fight anymore...for me if you always agree on everything isn't that boring...i like to spice up a little bit...but dont fight infront of your kids please....
@julyteen (13257)
• Davao, Philippines
16 Feb 08
yes still work out...marriage is like traveling to an ocean that you encounter so much difficulties and problems...but it depends on the one of the travel and the kind of ship they have. consider it on your marriage life.
@heidi28 (69)
• United States
15 Feb 08
If you love each other you can make it work, but if the love is gone your not going to make it work. Do your kids a favor don't stay together just for them in the long run they will be glad to just see both of you happy. In my experience its not a good ideal if you fight all the time I would not like for my children to think this is the way a marriage should be. Of course you have little fights and arguements but was this person this way when you met him or her? If so you fell in love with that person don't try and change them. But if your not happy and you fight in front of your kids that does more damage to them and you don't want them to carry that on for generations to come. I think thats why men beat there wifes now because there dad did it and mom never left and grand dad did it and grandma didn't leave so it makes an impression on your children that this is the way we are supposed to act.
@wjolene (265)
• Malaysia
14 Feb 08
ur story sounds like my bro-in-law's. he married his wife when she was 16 (although not registered yet) in jan. they aren't up to the level of splitting yet but i can see problems coming up. they don't care much about their 1 year old son. maybe these kinda marriage can last but i can't say for how long especially when you know there's a problem. try to talk to him nicely and find a solution. ya, kids are the affected ones. so try to be better than worse. i'm sure you don't want your kid to suffer. or follow back your footsteps, etc..
• Philippines
14 Feb 08
Every marriage has its bumps and they can pop up at any time, even during the first year together or even after 26 years. I believe that the years you stayed in the marriage is not a guarantee that you guys will have a lasting relationship however i believe that what is important is that you both learn to navigate this bumps smoothly - before they send you relationship into a ditch. However, if things are not really going well and the reason youre sticking with the marriage are the kids, I believe that its better to just separate for a while. The kids will sooner or later know your situation and will be fustrated whenever he/she will see you guys fighting. Surely, a kid seeing his/her parents fight will not be a good help to his growing up. If you two are really meant for each other, love will help you find that road towards each other. It should be the "love" who is motivating you to get back together and not simply just because of the kids because later on, all the patience will worn out if its not because of love for each other.
• India
31 Jan 08
breakup - dissolution of marriage
Hi jojolui4, I think their marriage can still work out and they can be together for life long. If one can stay together of 16 yers than why not continue it. Only thingis that they need to talk each other, They need to respect and understand each other. i donot think it is the form of quarreling infact it is a expectation which comes out in anger if not fulfill. Even if they go out of this marriage they have compromise some were with new partner than why can't they compromise among them self. It is not for the sake of children but it is good for both of them. provided they must not hurt each others ego.
@nyza21 (11)
• Philippines
31 Jan 08
when you are married, you should try everything to work it out or fix when there's a mess. You should not give up easily, or even if its hard for you to do, you should really do and sacrifice everything to save the relationship, the love you have (for each other). but if both of you don't want to work it out, then it's really time to move on and live separate lives. In time, your kids will grow up and be matured enough to fully understand why all those things happen to his/her parents. In the meantime, you just have to give complete guidance and complete attention as well as let them understand in a right way what your child should understand so that it won't easily affect their lives. Teach them to be strong, and of course before that, be strong and stand for yourself. Be happy, and live life to the fullest.
• China
31 Jan 08
Everyone has the right to own a nice life.Just to do what you like. Your kids are not the problem because what you do will encourage them in their furture when they have difficulties.
@ssh123 (31096)
• India
29 Jan 08
Marrying, producing kids, then separation - I call this most stupidest thing one can do. Both the parties know the consequences of such an event. In India, marriage is a strong social institution and it grows into family. It is very rare people get separated here. Of late due to westernization, a few strage cases of divorce are found. A marriage is successful, when the relationship is based on strong foundations of mutual trust, mutual understanding and works very well with give and take policy. Marriages are successful in our country, I do not know what plagued the marriage in other countries.
@winterose (39897)
• Canada
29 Jan 08
either way the kids are affected do you not think that they arguing and fighting doesn't affect them, I would and have gone for a divorce
• United States
29 Jan 08
I wish that you didn't have children because they're the ones thats most affected and that is a real problem, and unfortunately, nothing is going to help that particular problem. I don't know if you read the bible or believe in God or not, but you got to believe that with the help of God you'll see and feel in your heart that LOVE is not suppose to HURT, and from there, if you know LOVE whatever decision you make will be in LOVE and will help you make the right decision, and stick to it. You know LOVE because of the sacrifice you're suffering for the sake of the kids. Do you HURT your children? No, because you sacrificed your happiness for them. Did you seek couseling? You must have peace of mind to survive in this world and take care of your children. If you don't know God, seek him out because eventually, you're going to have to choose your marriage or peace of mind, which is something you need to keep your sanity. The life without him, only you can make that decision, I've been where you are, and you got my prayers that you make the right decision.
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
29 Jan 08
when my mother asked me that question, I told her that it is better to live alone without my father. They cannot stay together just for our sake because someday, we will be leaving them when we start our own family. I told her that they should not separate if they really love and need each other and not because of us. It worked...now my mother is happier being a single parent because she have a more peaceful mind than before. You must first consider yourself and your happiness because it will reflect to your being a mom if you are not at peace. Your kids will understand and their lives will be better if there are no more arguments in their home.
@asgtswife04 (2482)
• United States
29 Jan 08
maybe you should reevaluate why you married in the first place and try to get back to that instead of bickering all the time. try marriage counseling...do everything you can to save your marriage and find that love you two had before, instead of dwelling on what you have going on now. Life throws a lot of curve balls...some good, some bad. You have to remember the love you used to have for them, but if it still doesn't work out sometimes it's best for not only the two of you, but for the kids as well. They don't need to see you arguing all the time. It makes them feel scared and very insecure about life and about the two of you. Sometimes it's better to move on before things get to bad for the sake of your children. If they are young, eventually they will understand as they get older that it was in the best interest for them to not be with that person, but if you even have a slight chance that things could get back to the way things were you need to try that first. keep us posted and God bless
@schilds (410)
• United States
28 Jan 08
I think the situation you describe isn't just about young marriages. My husband and I have been together since we were 16 as well - 12 years later we are still together. We have had times like those you describe. I think it depends on how you feel underneath all the bickering. If you truely don't like the man your husband has become that is one thing, but if you do, it takes a conscious effort to stop arguing about stupid stuff. I have heard it said, and truely believe, that it take a choice to stay "in" love with someone. If someone says I love them, but I'm not in love with them - it's because they didn't put forth the effort. If you start acting like you are "in love" - even if you don't feel it at the time - soon the feeling will follow. You will treat him better - he will treat you better, and soon the bad times will pass. If you don't like or respect the person you are married to then you have a fundamental problem. What exactly is it you don't like, and are they willing to work on a comprimise?
• United States
28 Jan 08
Heck no I wouldn't stay married because of the kids. Children can sense the tension in a marraige and THAT affects them more than a divorce ever could. I'd much rather be divorced and happy than married and miserable.