Who needs siblings?

Same here. I've always wanted kids since I could remember. I have only two now because we can't afford more. I don't believe in bringing a child into this world when I know I cannot provide for them. Fortunately, I work with little kids and I'm happy. I think the parents choice in number of kids is important...but I couldn't understand the reason of 'older child needs a sibling'. I know siblings who are at each others' throats all day long and hate each other and I have seen kids who are the only kids of their parents who are well-balanced individuals. Like you said, it has more to do with parenting than how many kids one has. What actually got me thinking is a family I know in which the husband is an 'only child'...but the wife wants to adopt a child because the 'older child needs a sibling'. I'm not sure how it's going to work because the wife has no time or inclination to take care of the child and wants one not less than a year old. When I heard the reason, I felt like they were talking of picking something from a shop. I mean, I know lots of people out there who want kids and cannot have them physically and adoption is an option for them. But adopting for the sake of the older one was beyond me...what if they don't get along? We are thinking of adopting when our finances get better and we know we can afford one more child....but that is because 'I' want more kids and not because my kids need siblings. My older one and younger one are more than 6 years apart and they are not playmates for each other. My sister and I are 7 years apart and we had different lives which didn't include each other for a very long time (almost till I was in my mid 20s). We were like single kids from the same family and none the worse for it. Not having any would have been bad for me too.

You are so right about what is important is how a parent raises a child. And you are also right about the kids accompanying each other where you can't. All the best for your 2 kids!

lol...I know that...my all the best was for your future...when you have them:)

LOL i don't have kids yet. that's just my dream and plan. but thanks anyway. ^__^

I'm sorry that you had to go through so much to get 2 children and couldn't get any more. I can see that you want more kids. Yes, you are right about friends' kids not being the same as your own. Aren't there other adoption agencies that you can try?

I have a little sister (who was more like my daughter...lol) and lots of cousins and neices and nephews before I had my kids. But I always wanted kids of my own and never thought of them as companions for each other. Thanks for the response.

Do you think your child would not have got along with other kids if she was an only child? Of course, it's great when the siblings bond...but that's not always the case, you know.

lol...I understand. This was quicker...and you don't always get an opportunity with other kids to teach about sharing.

She would have learned eventually but it was much easier this way. She always was a good kid but she was way to spoiled by us and our family, being the first female grandchild and she was never in daycare which would have helped socialization. She didn't have any other kids around to learn how to get along. It was much easier this way and of course we realized she was a bit too spoiled and quit that.

Oh yes, we enjoy kids and that's why you want 5. But I can understand your uncle's and aunt's viewpoint too...which makes sense to me. Provided the child does take care of them in their old age, it's a practical choice. But what I don't understand is having a child for the sake of the first one.

I think some characters are best taught in the family so maybe parents think that if their first born would have another sibling, they would learn how to share, how to "give and take", how to be compassionate with other people...My eldest child was 4 when I gave birth to my 2nd child who is now only 5 months old.My 1st born wanted a sibling, as she said, she wants a sister and a small brother whom she can play with...and also, some to command to do things for her :-)

it's nice to know that your 1st born is looking forward to having siblings. Some kids are actually upset by the loss of attention they get after a sibling even if they wanted one in the first place. My husband is one of those....though he loves his little sisters, he was angry at his parents for having the next kids and he had to be left at his grandmother's because he couldn't be taken care of. I had quite a bit of convincing to do before he agreed for our second. But now he knows that that's not always the case. It all depends on how the parents handle each situation, I feel.

Yes, that opinion is similar to mine. I'm not sure if parents mean 'playmate' when they say that older kids need a sibling. I'm sure it has to be something more than that. I had my second child when my older was 6+ years and obviously they are not playmates. Well, I didn't have the second one because the older one wanted a sibling (though he would tell me on and off that he wanted 4 siblings!). The reason why I had one was because we wanted one (actually I did...I had to convince my husband)....and the reason it took so long was because I was waiting for my son to be in full time school so that I could focus all my energies on the second. Though my older one was independant and would play on his own....I didn't want to miss my time with him (which would have happened with a second child). I really wanted to know how people think on this matter. My neighbour has a child the same age as my older one and is thinking of adopting a second because "the older child needs a sibling". The father is a single child himself and it hasn't affected him at all....he's a well-balanced individual...it's the wife who has this idea of sibling for the first child and I don't think the husband agrees to that point...but he's going along because the wife wants it. I really didn't understand the need here...the wife has absolutely no time or inclination to have the second child...and has insisted on a child not less than a year old (because she didn't want to going through the process of bringing them up....you know...diaper and stuff). So, basically, the second child is for the sake of the first one (who already has her own routine and friends).

I even understand one having another child to share the burden of taking care of them in their old age (well, that's not a guarantee, I know...but I still understand people who think that way). I also understand when people say that kids will learn to share and learn social skills with a sibling (that's not a taken either...but I still understand)....but the situation I mentioned....no, I don't get that! Though I respect some people's opinion that the siblings will be there for each other, I also know that that's not always the case. If they believe their kids will turn out that way (who knows...maybe they will), it's good for them. But that's a chance that they are willing to take.

Eeek, I can see how the situation you describe is hard to understand. This woman wants another kid for the sake of the first one (who is doing fine with a sibling) and yet doesn't have the time or inclination to actually take care of another child? Gah. I can understanding wanting another child because you actually want another child, like you did. That's a whole different matter. I think if having a bigger family would make someone happy and they have the time and energy to raise more children, then that's fine. It just bugs me to see people having kids for reasons that are questionable... and it bugs me to have social pressure to have more kids even after you've stated you don't want any. I'm feel pressured to have another child a lot by people who don't even know me well, and it gets old, especially because they neither understand my emotional reasons nor my medical ones.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Well, I always wanted 2 kids too (one adopted)...and I had a funny thing charted out. If the first was a girl, I would have another in 2-3 years...If the first was a boy, I'd wait 5 years before the second...lol..don't ask me why..I planned this out when I was 18 or 19! I've always wanted to adopt too. I have 2 boys (7 years and 1 year) and I had them because I wanted them and not because I thought the first needed a sibling. I have a sister 7 years younger than I am and a large extended family with 2-3 kids in each. But that wouldn't have stopped me from having an only child if I wanted to. I hope you have your second one too:) Isn't adoption a choice?

That's exactly what I meant....just having a sibling for a child for companionship doesn't make sense when they are 7 years apart. And your third child, you had her because you WANTED another child and not as company for your older kids....even your second wasn't concieved as a 'sibling' for the first..it just happened. That's what I am talking about....a couple I know are going to adopt a second child because they feel the older one NEEDS a sibling..the older child is 7 now and I don't see the point when the wife doesn't have the time or inclination to bring up another child...to just have one for the sake of the first. Companionship to a certain extent I can understand (though that's not always the case and it doesn't always happen the way we want it to)...and also (like another mylotter pointed out) more people to share the burden of looking after you when you are old.

I agree about emotionally preparing the older child. I did that with my son....I told him how things would change and that he won't be getting our attntion all the time and how I expected him to help me. But since he was older(6 years when he had his little brother), he could understand what I was trying to tell him. It gets a little difficult explaining and getting a younger child to understand.

I'm sorry but I don't understand how gender and the number of kids will have an effect on a family outing.

So, would you have another just because your little darling wanted one? My son would tell me that he wanted siblings since he was 5. We had another because we wanted to. Now he wants 2 more (both girls to balance the genders in the family...he says..lol) and we've told him why we can't and that we will consider adopting a girl when the time is right...no guarantee on that one! But in your case since you want one and she wants one....go ahead...lol All the best!

It all depends on the kids' temperaments, moods, etc and how a parent handles them (I feel). I never felt lonely before my sister was born....and never felt lonely after that either...and not necessarily because she was playing with me. Maybe it's just me and I had no problems being alone and not having anyone to play with. I loved reading...and I think I liked to be lost in my world of books anyways...and a sibling who wanted me to play all the time would be a pain for me, I think.

I understand how you were lonely because you didn't have anyone to play with.....but did you feel like you lost out on other things besides companionship? What if you had a sibling who was always fighting with you? Would you have wished to be an only child then (lots of kids who don't get along think that way). But your two-year plan for them to play together sounds great...I mean it makes sense to have them closer in age if you want them to play together than a large gap where they wouldn't play together anyways. Personally, if I think back, I wouldn't care less if I was a single child or had a sibling...I was the only child till 7 and later too because we didn't really need to share anything. And that had nothing to do with my reason for having more kids. When our finances get better, we will consider adopting a girl.

I don't really think I lost out on too much I just always wished I had someone besides my great grandmother to talk to. I'm sure if I had a little brother who was always antagonizing me like my youngest son does to my oldest daughter then I would have been wishing to be an only child. LoL Even though my 2 year plan turned into a 5 year plan with an addition in between it still works out for us. My three older ones adore playing with my avatar and then when the baby isn't available they can play together. I suspect this will change in a year or two because my oldest will be a teenage who just hates everybody. But for right now it's bliss.

Glad to know that all your kids are loved. Since you had your second child when the older one was 9, did your older son feel lonely till then? Or did the older one get companionship from the second especially with the age difference? I'm just wondering because you pointed out your reasons for each child so well. lol...if I could afford it, I would have gone on a trying spree to get a girl.

Oh, I think that's common in most families. Except for the lonliness, I don't think you lost out on much. I never felt lonely till my sister was born (when I was 7) because I enjoyed playing on my own. I also had friends...but I didn't spend all my time with them....and I was fine reading a book or studying...or even playing by myself. Even after she was born, I would play with her only when SHE wanted me to play with her. I guess my parents were lucky that they got me who was quite flexible either way..lol

I think my older son was lonely, or maybe I just felt he would be lonely because I had felt lonely growing up as an only child. Both my parents ran a pub so I was left to amuse myself quite a lot! I wished the age difference had been smaller between them because 9 years is a lot! They are quite close at times though and get on well, but instead of the older one (who is 16) being the role model and bringing the younger ones on, they tend to bring him down to their age level(which is 7 & 5) and as a result he is quite immature for his age!! So in short when they are in good moods they get on fantastically and when not fireworks fly!!

The question is WHY did you have them after the first? Was it because you always wanted more kids or because it just happened and you went ahead with it....or did you think your older child needed a sibling?

Thank you! That's what I needed to know.

nope they all just happened had no thought they needed any siblings now my grand daughter is only child and she has friends to play with so no need for her to have any . She is happy to be the center of our lives lol

Though I appreciate your response, I think the parents are at fault if they cater to every whim and fancy of the child...such parents will do the same irrespective of the number of children. Single kids can be taught values without having another child....my older son had a sibling only when he was 6 years...but by then he was independant and socially quite adept...sharing(with other kids) has never been a problem and he also knew that he wouldn't get anything he asked for...and that we would be strict with him where he needed to be disciplined...it's actually now that he has reason to take us for a ride...with the younger one...he can always say that the baby's taking away the time we used to spend with him....but of course, we never let him get away with that either. Another question that your discussion brought up is...why do we (and I see that mostly in Indians) tend to pamper and spoil our kids? Wouldn't it better to bring them up as well-balanced individuals instead of spoilt brats? We buy them everything we find in the market and say that they would throw a tantrum otherwise (that's because they know we would cave in). As a teacher, I've seen so many things that parents do in the name of love for a child...and it actually affects the kids negatively....and widens the gap between parents and them at a later stage. I'm going to stop here because I see I have deviated from the main discussion point. Sorry Deepak!

I agree with you that more than children we parents are at fault, due to one reason or other. It appears that you could manage successfully to inculcate discipline and good habit in your first child. On the other hand sometime despite best efforts, it becomes difficult to discipline your child. Sometimes, they just do not bother about parents' commands. I also agree with you that we should try our best to bring our kids up as well-balanced individuals instead of spoilt brats. Your experience as a teacher would have helped you in brining out your first child in a better manner. Please do not say sorry, even if you deviated a bit from the main discussion, you wrote all very relevant points, connected with the discussion. I appreciate your logical comments.

I may also add - Siblings can fight out with each other, can argue with each other, can help eath other and can learn some good and bad traits among themselves. If there is a single child, entire focus would be on that child and there are chances that heavy dose of pampering can spoil a single child. That single child can also exploit his parents, knowing that he is the only one, who is being looked after and being brought up by his parents. He would make all types of demands to his parents, knowing fully well that his single status would help him getting all his demands fulfilled. One of my colleagues has a son only. She tells that by and large they fulfill all desires and demands of their son and their son exploits them as well on this account.

I totally understand. My sister and I are 7 years apart and I still felt we were from different eras...14 years is a large gap! If I could afford to, I would have had a houseful of kids too....because I want to:)

I hate when this happens...why do the pictures go to different posts that I have open at the same time?????

lol....so you are sure it's all going to be grandsons and no granddaughters? Well, personally I don't think 2 is better than 1 or 1 is better than 2. I feel it's what you want that is important and how well you take care of them.....not only money wise but bringing them up too. Then again, if I could afford to, I would have had loads of kids!

I meant afford financially! That's my only constraint...education costs a bomb at Bangalore where I live....it's surrounded by all the software companies that give big pay packets! If I continued work in the software industry, I would get a much much higher pay....but then when I can afford (financially) to have more kids, I won't be there to enjoy them because the pressure and time spent at work is crazy and I didn't want to miss every second that I can with my family....having said that...some days at home are crazy too and I am a monster mom then...but all the same...I enjoy this much more than working more time for more pay and missing bringing up my kids.

Ha Ha Ha i meant to say Grand Children, i think its Ok well LOADS of Children only if u can afford??? my question, u mean to afford financially, Emotionaly or physically. wink wink as u said upbringing is important too and i cant deny that fact raising a kid is not problem, upbringing accoordance to relegion, ethics and culture is important, u know what was Motto of our school "Character is destiny" and thats true take care