Why are we harder on ourselves...than we are on others?

Canada
February 1, 2008 10:13pm CST
This is a topic that comes up a lot in our life coaching and seminars. People ask questions like these. Did somebody say something once that stuck in our brains and won't go away? Did we make some huge mistake..or 'fail' at something and never been able to get over it? Why do things haunt our fine bodies and hearts with images that we cannot forget? I was wondering does anyone else out there do that...or do you know someone who does? How about the fact that we tell friends and loved ones not to be so hard on themselves...but often a voice in our heads says we are not being hard enough on ourselves? Within that pattern sometimes we blame ourselves when 'blame' does not apply. Then there is the guilt that plagues us about what we 'should' have done better or differently. In my view "should and blame" are really nasty words if we were to stop and consider their impact on our innate sense of self. Have you ever gone back and tried to figure out whether it was something a mother, father or great Aunt Tilley that said something about achieving something that you or a loved one could not do...and how their words or reactions ended up sticking like glue to the psyche years after the original event? In my view all these old requests and unmet expectations get old...really old...and only we know when to say...enough...enough...uncle...uncle as we are pinned to the mat with endless mind-chatter that makes one feel worse by the minute. So my question for this discussion is are you harder on yourself than others? If not...how DID you manage to be among those who are more gentle and compassionate with themselves. If you are harder on yourself than others then I ask you..what if you decided to release that rusty old image? Would you be willing to drop it over the edge of a mirror and of view so you can see the wonderful you that probably many others do? In my experience those who are still hard on themselves cannot take positive feedback waaaaaay inside and let it feel the warm fuzzy it can be when the rusty image is transformed into a celebration of the unique people each of us truly are. So how about some compassion for all those out there that are...harder on themselves than they are on others. Any takers? I have to sign off shortly...but will be back tomorrow to respond to every response as best I can. Take care...enjoy the weekend...and I will be BACK! Raia
8 people like this
16 responses
@Pose123 (21661)
• Canada
2 Feb 08
Hi perspectives, Another great discussion, thank you. I have often thought about this as I am always much harder on myself then on others, and think that most people in our culture are the same. Our civilization has been greatly affected by the Christian religion, and over the centuries, the church has, rightly or wrongly, appeared to suggest that we should put others first, and not think too highly of ourselves. The prayer of many Christians has been , "God be merciful to me a sinner". Changes, have of course come about in recent years, and most people now realize that a good sense of self esteem is necessary for everyone. The results of generations of such thinking, will not be undone overnight and even though many people who think this way, may have never consider this idea, it was probably passed down through their parents and grandparents. This is not meant put down Christianity in any way, but to point out an idea that many in the church had for centuries. An embedded sense of guilt is not easily removed.
3 people like this
@Pose123 (21661)
• Canada
2 Feb 08
Hi again perspectives, I posted the above comment when I had simply meant to preview it, I think however it contains most of what I intented to say. It might be interesting to see if this business of being harder on ourselves than on others is as common in other cultures. Blessings.
3 people like this
• Canada
3 Feb 08
Hello again...thanks for your on-going support of perspectives topics and your positive feedback. Always good to know discussions hit the mark for fellow members and valued friends here. I completely understand and agree with your points about how some religions teach that humans are sinners and need to be redeemed...and that was a problem for me from my earliest recollections. Our family went to an Anglican and then United Church. We lived in a French community in Winnipeg..even though we were not French ourselves. Most of my friends were raised in the Roman Catholic church and had shame/blame embedded into their consciousness from early in life. My mother, bright spirit that she was always did her best to answer my questioning mind. She said I was asking "Why?" shortly after learning to say mom and dad. It never made any sense to me that if we are spiritual beings...spun off God as sparks of his essence..how could we be sinners? As has often been said...God doesn't make junk! So with my mother's encouragement and a lot of study in all the great religions I discovered the one common thread among all of them is...LOVE. If we make love the focus of our lives...then we begin to have more loving, compassionate thoughts for ourselves and others. As you said in your discussion Jesus spoke of love...and being hard and judgmental of ourselves and others is not very loving. To me our Creator loved us so much that we were given free will...to choose, to learn...to make mistakes...to learn from them...how boring it would be if we all got everything right the first time. Goodness I wouldn't want to live like that. Some of my toughest lessons came from all the things I didn't do well earlier in life. If we all thought more about what we learned through our errors in judgment we would be less inclined to blame ourselves or others...and make more loving choices. I see everyone on this planet as spiritual beings going through human experiences on their road to enlightenment. We do not all get there at the same time or pace...but that is because we have a right to choose and if that God-given right is good enough for our Creator...you would think it would be for the rest of us...but sadly it is not. In my view the churches started this sinner doctrine to have congregates turn to the 'leaders' rather than praying directly to God. Imagine where they would be if all the middle men were removed? To me that Still Small Voice Within can tell us all we need to know when we are still enough to listen. Those who look outside themselves for answers rarely find them in my experience anyway. So easy to understand...not so easy to apply. But as I said in my response on your site I truly believe if we could love enough we'd solve all our human rights concerns. Ah yes...like John Lennon said...Imagine! Always good chatting with you... Raia
2 people like this
@mlhuff12 (798)
• United States
2 Feb 08
I think that some people are hard on themselves because we know what we are capable of. If we had made a mistake in the past we can see where we saw certain signs that we have ignored. And start thinking "what if". I have done that. But also if I do something half as well as I know I could, I am not happy with it.
3 people like this
• Canada
3 Feb 08
Hi...and thanks for offering your own perspective here. How I handle the 'what ifs' is that if I learned something from what appears to be a 'mistake' or less than I am capable of it gives me an idea of how to do it better next time. We learn by doing...and by what some label as a 'failure.' However, if we can come to terms with the fact that life is about learning, refining our choice making abilities and striving to do better through each transformational change we go through why should we beat ourselves or others up? To me striving for excellence and doing something better through time is the mark of success in my book. It is all in how we 'frame' it...things always look different when viewed from other "Perspectives." Couldn't resist that one! (Smiles) Raia
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42681)
• United States
2 Feb 08
Oh oh Y a already know mine and how I have felt about it and did I make the rihght diccesion and I think we together put it aside the best I can. And then to I think of more things that I might have handled better . and oh my Aunt Tilley I got a sis in law by that name. but dont think she ever said anything to me to make me think being hard on myself lol. Realy thats me hard on my self and ya know it takes alot to let praise or any thing like that get in to my head good ya know the praise ya give me and for me its hard to think of myself the way others do. hugs and blessings
3 people like this
• Canada
3 Feb 08
I know you have a hard time with it...I sense the big pause on the phone whenever I offer my praise and validation of who you are and how you live. You have come to know me well enough by now that I sense you trust what I say and that I am in, no way flattering you. I respect you too much for that and I know you'd pick up on that kind of cr@p in no time flat and you'd respect me less because of it. Yes, it is hard for most of us to give ourselves the credit we are due...but you know what my friend? It does get easier with practice. As I have quoted before..."It ain't bragging when you do it! And you my warrior woman friend and soul sister...you do a lot! Luv ya...talk after we get back tomorrow if it isn't too late. If not Monday for sure. Sleep well. I'll be signing off shortly. It is 12:20 AM...and my Sweetie is waiting downstairs. Just want to finish these responses....and I am out of here! Raia
2 people like this
• Canada
2 Feb 08
Never thought about this one two hard. I think women are probably more hard on themnselves overtly tham men due to socialization. Higher expectations and having to work harder to measure up. men I think can be equally as hard on themselves but hide it better. As for others, I think it goes to how we see ourselves. If we do not think we measure up we could be hard on ourselves or take it out on others.
3 people like this
• Canada
3 Feb 08
Good point Cordacs...thanks for bringing it up. There is tendency to over compensate or take things out on others depending where our self-esteem lies. Demanding, harsh criticism of others is hardly a way to motivate. At least that is what my hubs taught me...and it was a lesson I needed to learn. Raia
2 people like this
@remo999 (49)
• Canada
2 Feb 08
I think the you tend to be more hard on yourself if you do a lot of self - work so to speak. People whos mindset are in a different place tend to ve harder on others. Sometimes through inadequacies and sometimes self confidence.
3 people like this
• Canada
3 Feb 08
Hi again..and thanks for you input. I agree that mindsets affect EVERYTHING! We do what we know until we decide something different. Choices and consequences...tough to accept but it puts the responsibility squarely on our shoulders alright. Raia
2 people like this
@skinnychick (6906)
• United States
2 Feb 08
This might be bad but here's my feelings on it. I'm harder on other people than myself. I always do strive for the best for myself and I show that in my studies and as a mother- battling for perfection, rarely receiving it, but not beating myself up over it. I just try to learn from it like everything else. As far as other people that are close to me go, I expect way more than I ever get out of most of them except for one person. I don't know what it is but I'm critical of them at times without being mean. This is something I'm working on but it seems to be hard for me to do. I guess I should let go of other people's business but when they bring you into their business- it's hard to stop. Then if you ask to stay out of it to try to end this critical thinking- they get mad and think that you don't want to help and are blowing them off. I have to find a happy medium here but this was a great topic for discussion and I will be keeping my eye on it. Surely, there must be someone out there like me? Have a great day
• Canada
3 Feb 08
Hi again skinnychick...and thanks for your open, honest disclosure. As a life coach we are always interacting with people who share their patterns and beliefs. Some of them are working...but a lot are not. From the sound of it you have some good insight...and are looking for balance. As we seek...we do find. I used to be hard on myself...and hard on those close to me as well...and thankfully I have made tremendous inroads and my life is happier as a result of it...and so are my loved ones. Perfectionistic thinking is tough. It never really allows for savoring the moment and the successes because the endless chatter and 'shoulding' often makes people think they 'should' have done better. My hubby helped me a lot with this because he often said..."When is enough...enough?" When I realized it was hard for me to let things be I had an epiphany. My father always made me feel that no matter how hard I tried...enough never was enough. It was his harsh criticisms that made me feel that I wasn't measuring up and I translated that to pushing myself and everyone else...really hard. During my educational training I remember a teacher saying that; "We treat ourselves the way our parents treated us." That was a light bulb moment and from that point on I began working on setting realistic goals and being happy with my efforts whether the outcome was 'perfect' or not. So many people live in a constant state of agitation and regret by blaming or 'shoulding' themselves and their loved ones. To me we all have a right to choose our path and learn by doing. If we mess up and learn something...we haven't failed. I could write volumes about this...but I think you get the gist of where I am coming from. Good luck with finding your happy medium. Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I know we'll chat again. Raia
2 people like this
@goldeneagle (6774)
• United States
2 Feb 08
I am always harder on myself than most others are. My wife is always telling me that I need to ease up and not be so demanding on myself. I don't know why I am this way. I know that sometimes I am tough on myself, so tough that it sometimes causes me to set unrealistic goals...then, when I don't accomplish them, I get mad at myself. I have tried to work on correcting this problem. Usually, after having time to think about it later, I realize that this has been the case; but that doesn't stop me from getting mad at first...I don't really know what the deal is...
3 people like this
• Canada
3 Feb 08
Hi and welcome to Mylot...I love golden eagles by the way! When I hear you describe your dynamic with yourself I cannot help but wonder who instilled that harsh 'driver' in you. Often it starts early in childhood and stays with us for a lifetime. I am a life coach and my hubs and I work with people from all walks of life. Today I was doing a session with a 70 year old woman said that she drives herself because all her life she has been seeking approval and acceptance from her 91 year old mother and never gets it. Perfect example of how the 'being hard on ourselves' pattern starts and sometimes does end until we put a stop to it. Maybe somewhere in your life an important person was hard on you. We treat ourselves the way we've been treated...or the way our parents treated us until we choose something different. That was a tough lesson for me to learn...my dad became my inner critic until I silenced him and began listening to my own inner voice. When I did...ahhhhhh how quiet it is in my head now! (chuckles) Raia
2 people like this
@Aingealicia (1906)
• United States
3 Feb 08
Because if we are not hard on ourselves no one else is going to do it. We push ourselves to the max because we want to succeed for those who do that. Aingealicia
2 people like this
• Canada
3 Feb 08
Hello and thank you for your input. I absolutely agree with you that we have to 'push' (or gently nudge) ourselves beyond familiar comfort zones to progress. However, it is all about the way it is done...is the pushing, guiding or nudging done in loving, encouraging, motivating ways...or through blaming/shaming/judgmental ways? Scientific studies have consistently shown that we all respond to positive reinforcement for our efforts...and that we will try harder with that line of thinking than being put down for not measuring up. Attitude is everything and all too often significant people early in life squash motivation by giving kids the idea that no matter what they do it is never good enough. Eventually some stop trying. To me accentuating the positive works far better whether it is our internal self-talk or what we say to others. This I know from both my personal and professional experiences. Raia
3 people like this
• United States
3 Feb 08
I am usually very positive with everyone but myself. That is my fall back, to be hard on me. I thrive on it. However I have done everything from writing to professional cooking. Aingealicia
2 people like this
• Canada
7 Feb 08
Being hard on ourselves can motivate in some cases I guess. To me, striving for excellence does not require being hard on ourselves. In my my many transitions throughout life I am at a place where pausing and give myself kudos for a good job (even when it is not perfect) motivates me more than beating myself up. My hubby is the same way. He is the one who consistently reminds me that most of us do better with positive reinforcement rather than negative mind chatter. Having said that...we all have to choose what path is best for us and do what works! I appreciate your comments...and perspective...thanks!
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
2 Feb 08
I used to. Still am a bit, but I have decided that it wasn't taking me anywhere and I needed to give myself a break sometimes. It has been a bit hard to stay in this path because old things sometimes sneak in, and maybe because old habits die hard. I still tend to blame myself when things go wrong even when it's none of my doing. I still tend to spend time thinking how could I have solved it or what could I have done to get a different outcome, but the truth is that it's already done. It won't change just because I think of it. I'll get there sometime. Meanwhile I'm balancing between the two :)
• Canada
3 Feb 08
I understand and empathize with your flip/flops...been there too. Another parallel!! I am sure you will get there because you want to. The power of intent can carry us to our goals in profound ways! I have found that the ability for people to 'give themselves a break' and acknowledge a job well done...regardless of outcome is something everyone needs to do more of. As I said in the response above I love the quote I read somewhere..."Even God cannot change the past." The Buddhists teach that all our suffering comes from our attachments be they possessions, people...the past, the future, fixated thinking, worrying about outcomes...etc. When I studied their teachings and thought how this one in particular was sooooo true things began to change for me. Now I do my best to focus in the NOW of my experiences and I am much healthier and happier. There is a quote in our kitchen that I look at every morning and it says.."Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday...and all is well." When I think back about all I worried and fretted about in the past...and how true that saying is I am much more able to take control of what I can in the moment...and let the rest outwork as it will. Ahhhhhh...breathing space! Take care...enjoyable sharing and chatting with you. Raia
3 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
3 Feb 08
I completely agree. It's pointless to worry about what happened and we have no idea of what the future will bring so worrying about it doesn't help. Of course from agreeing with is and believing it, to actually do it ... there's some space in between those LOL I think I am doing a bit better, but there's still room for improvement :)
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
7 Feb 08
I really have to be as grounded as I can. MY plate has been overflowing for some years now and there's a whole range of different things on that plate LOL I sometimes feel discourage but I look back and I had a wonderful life for so long before.. maybe it's life's way of keeping everything in balance. Things were way too good before now they need to be less good.... Ok so I don't really believe that but it helps to keep everything in perspective LOL
1 person likes this
@dodoguy (1294)
• Australia
6 Feb 08
Hi Perspectives, Of course we are harder on ourselves than others - and that's emphatically the way it should be. In one sense, none of us has authority over anyone but ourselves, so it's there that the rigor of our judgment and penalties should be directed. From another angle, we're in a far better position to appreciate our own potentials and failings than those of others - all the more reason to hold our own persons accountable for what cannot be concealed from ourselves, and for which we each will ultimately be far more severely judged if we fail to do the job ourselves, when the task was in our hands. That might sound harsh, but it's the truth. And it's the practical foundation for the human tendency to be more severe on ourselves than on others. That probably goes against the norms of the material realm, but this isn't our final destination. A corollary of all this is that old catch-phrase, "tough love". Sometimes it's necessary to be harsh for a person's own good, when the one doing the loving knows what's best for the lovee. How much more so, when the one to benefit from the imposition of one's own rigorous standards of judgment is oneself?
• Canada
7 Feb 08
Hello again...and thanks for another interesting 'perspective.' I understand and can agree with your ideas on tough love...and having exacting standards as a way of moving ourselves forward. As you said..."To benefit from the imposition of one's own rigorous standards of judgment is oneself." If the goal is to strive for excellence rather than demean ourselves for every little thing we did not measure up to within those "rigorous standards" that can be a good thing. Unfortunately there are those that are so hard on themselves that they go through life feeling like a failure because their perfection-istic thinking does not ever quite meet the mark in their eyes. That is when the pattern can become self-defeating rather than self-supporting. There is a lot of that out there and as life coaches my hubby and I continually see the unhealthy aspects of being too hard on oneself. Like a lot of other things in life...balance is the key. I appreciate your input here...thanks for your interest and involvement. Raia
1 person likes this
@dodoguy (1294)
• Australia
7 Feb 08
Hi again, The potential for self-criticism to be destructive or constructive relates to whether that criticism is negative or positive, respectively.. Statements which repeat or rehearse the error, such as "You can't do anything right" or "You always mess up" etc etc simply reinforce the previous outcomes and perpetuate them. Statements which affirm the desired result, like "You can do better than that" or "The right way to do it is..." etc etc will direct one's actions to where they should be. In metaphysical parlance, "As a man thinketh, so is he..." is both figurative and literal. As within, so without. Our thoughts attract the corresponding reality. These issues go towards what we are CAPABLE of doing, our individual potentials to achieve things in the material world. The moral questions, as to whether we should be making the choices that we do, are another matter entirely. Both arenas are internally our own exclusive personal domains, and we'll each be held accountable for both when we face our Maker on Judgment Day (and He'll be a lot more scary than Arnie).
2 people like this
@dodoguy (1294)
• Australia
7 Feb 08
Hi again, The potential for self-criticism to be destructive or constructive relates to whether that criticism is negative or positive, respectively.. Statements which repeat or rehearse the error, such as "You can't do anything right" or "You always mess up" etc etc simply reinforce the previous outcomes and perpetuate them. Statements which affirm the desired result, like "You can do better than that" or "The right way to do it is..." etc etc will direct one's actions to where they should be. In metaphysical parlance, "As a man thinketh, so is he..." is both figurative and literal. As within, so without. Our thoughts attract the corresponding reality. These issues go towards what we are CAPABLE of doing, our individual potentials to achieve things in the material world. The moral questions, as to whether we should be making the choices that we do, are another matter entirely. Both arenas are internally our own exclusive personal domains, and we'll each be held accountable for both when we face our Maker on Judgment Day (and He'll be a lot more scary than Arnie).
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (44032)
• United States
7 Feb 08
I think since you know quite a bit about me it should then come to no surprise that I've always been hard on myself. And yes, I might be doing the blame game due to my mother, but she really did, without her realizing it, have a really negative influence on my life. My parents got divorced when I was very young, only a year and a half old, consequently I never got to know my father save for what my mother told me and it was all very negative, downright nasty things about him...then she turn around and tell me "Oh you're just like your father" and I listened to this from ever since I can remember, so it's a no brainer that I was always forever trying to please and seek my mother approval, for my goodness, I didn't want to be like my father. The real kicker is, if I had ever gotten to know him I might have liked him...My mother had a real fear factor I think precisely of getting to know him and perhaps my preferring him over her...in fact, after the age of ten, it was as if my father's side of the family disappeared from the face of the earth, and not once while growing up did I ever come across any letters or anything from my father or his side of the family..it took me years and years later and I was able to track them down, but by that time, my father had already passed away, yet I remain in contact with my aunt (my father's sister) It also took me all too many years to realize that I don't need to seek the approval of anyone save one person...ME! If I approve of me, if I like me, if I love me, if I feel good about me, that's all that really counts. I still am hard on myself though...I lost so many years not doing things for myself as in effect it was classic role reversal with my mother...I was more her parent than she to me..Again since you know so much of my story there I don't need to repeat it, and frankly don't wish to...as I'm trying to release the negative feelings there..still....and by repeating it it hinders my letting go. But since I did loose so many years of my life not doing for myself, I'm still hard on myself I guess to catch up on all those years of neglect on myself..if that makes sense.. :)
2 people like this
• Canada
7 Feb 08
Hello again Pye. I do appreciate how challenging it was...and still is for you to outgrow the years of negative imprinting that developed as a result of the dynamics between you and your mother. It is not easy to erase...but it is good that you are able to give yourself kudos for the inroads you have made...and continue to make. The power of your intent and a sincere desire to release attachment to all those old definers will eventually dissolve. It took me a lot of years and self-determination to realize that the perception I developed about myself through my family of origin was invalid. Once we begin to awaken to the fact that as adults we often continue treating ourselves as our parents treated us it becomes easier to change the pattern. I reached a point where as much as I loved my mother...and wanted both her and my father's approval I was never going to get it in ways that I wanted and needed. As you said...when we begin to approve of ourselves...the echoes of their perception of us becomes fainter and eventually no longer heard. The fact that you are holding to the innate knowing that it is never too late to be great and live life on your own terms will be the guiding force in what you want to enjoy now and in the future. I sincerely wish you all good things and that you be as tender and compassionate with yourself as you are with your friends and precious fur-babies. How is Pyewacket doing? You have both in my thoughts. Sending you love and light.. Raia
1 person likes this
@raijin (10373)
• Philippines
4 Feb 08
i used to be like that once, my friend. I always worry of things too much, that it affects me almost every minute. Even when at work, these thoughts of negativity always haunts me and would pop up suddenly. It's a really bad experience for me, that I try to look ways to suppress it. I have journeyed here and there, looking for words of wisdom to find positive ways to counter the thought of it. I guess I am lucky that I love to read, as it has taught me so many things that I previously don't seem to understand. I also listen, to people who knows more than me and take their advice to action. I've learned that these things do happen to every each and one of us, the only things that we can do best is try to not let it affect us in our daily life. Though I still have this kind of feeling, I am glad that I am at ease now and if possible just put it in the back of my mind for the moment. We all have to deal with these at a certain time, and if ever I cannot solve it, I just leave it to my Lord and Savior. As what I've learned, we shouldn't let such problems control us but us to control them. At the end of the day, we all need to rest and relaxing is a good exercise to let these worries behind..
• Canada
5 Feb 08
Hello again..and thanks for your thoughtful response. Yes, when all is said and done there is no point in worrying about the past or projecting into the future. My mother always said that all we ever have...is this moment. If we live fully within it and 'let go and let God' our lives are fuller and richer. Worrying about things is pointless and as it has often been said so often...in the prayer of serenity. Change what we can, accept what we cannot...and have the wisdom to know the difference. You always seem to know how to tune into your own intuitive knowing about things...and that is why you will always find your answers. I know from experience...as we seek...we find. Always a pleasure to chat with you my friend. Raia
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
2 Feb 08
Sometimes it easier blaming ourselves than finding faults of other people who might have caused us pain. There are times that I just cry and feel so low when I remeber how people ridicule but I have learned to tell myself that only me matter for they are not the one feeding anyway so they don't have the right to tell what I must do with my life. In some cases, I've also learned to laugh at my mistakes. Some people say that it is better laughing at your mistakes that keep on blaming yourself about it. We cannot undo the past but we can learn from it and make sure that what we are doing now are much better for we have learned not never had experienced pain or criticism before.
2 people like this
• Canada
3 Feb 08
I appreciate your sensitive response and your willingness to share how ridiculing comments affected you. When we come to accept that they are only expressing THEIR opinion and we can choose how it will affect us life gets easier. When all is said and done WE are the ones who have a right to choose our path and learn from the choices we make. Not taking oneself too seriously and laughing at mistakes is a great attitude. To me mistakes are learning experiences...and every great invention came into manifestation with a lot of mistakes beforehand. I appreciate your comments about moving on...I loved a quote I read somewhere and that is: "Even God cannot change the past!" So true...so being invested in something that is long gone does seem rather futile alright. In my view we need to have more compassion for ourselves...it makes life easier and more rewarding from my experience both personally and professionally. Raia
2 people like this
• Canada
2 Feb 08
Never thought about this one two hard. I think women are probably more hard on themnselves overtly tham men due to socialization. Higher expectations and having to work harder to measure up. men I think can be equally as hard on themselves but hide it better. As for others, I think it goes to how we see ourselves. If we do not think we measure up we could be hard on ourselves or take it out on others.
2 people like this
• Canada
3 Feb 08
Ditto...double posts...they do happen. But thanks for your response...they are appreciated. Raia
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11497)
• India
18 Feb 08
We are harder on ourselves because our conscience is our sternest , objective critic and we can give excuses to others but not ourselves.This is where our performance is concerned. . We can cheat ourselves in order to get the peace of mind arising out of delusion and this is where we go to the next topic of 'blame and'should'. I wholeheartedly agree with you that these are nasty words and will tend to only muddle us and make us lose our clarity o f thought and perception. I have come to the conclusion that detaching ourselves totally from an issue and thinking over and over again before implementing any course of action would be the best solution to this. There is a great sage in Tamil who has written 'Thirukural' where he has given the most profound of thoughts in couplets. There are ten couplets in a chapter[just 7 words and each couplet holds a wealth of meaning. HE has given in beautiful poetic form that regret after the completion of any action is shameful and that any decision should be arrived at after deep contemplation.This would be expressed in just seven words-you would not believe it. Regarding the words of others haunting us and affecting us, I feel it is because we lacked self confidence at that point of time and our self esteem depended largely on these uncles and aunts [actually they scar us a lot] I feel that detaching ourselves totally from these people who are not terribly interested in us anyway[they have many more things to do-only if we look up to them they would not lose an opportunity to put us down]and gettingon as though they didn't exist would be the best solution to this.
1 person likes this
• Canada
19 Feb 08
You approach to what often amount to emotional toxicity is a good one. I loved what you said about looking up to them...and them putting us down. That was the dynamic with my father and I eventually had to accept that I would never measure up...and I quit trying. It was at that point that I started striving to meet my own goals...rather than his and life became easier and much happier. In Buddhism they teach that all our suffering comes from our attachments...both mental and material. Often we allow our minds to stay attached to outmoded beliefs that could be transformed if we would allow ourselves to do so. I think striving for excellence and moving beyond familiar comfort zones is wonderful...but beating ourselves up with negative mind chatter is a colossal waste of time and energy. Positive self-messages are inner motivators and they often assist us in getting where we want to be much faster than being overly hard on ourselves. Another great addition..thanks for you support. I posted some replies on your site and we'll keep our exchanges the enjoyable experiences they always are. Raia
@kalav56 (11497)
• India
18 Feb 08
We are harder on ourselves because our conscience is our sternest , objective critic and we can give excuses to others but not ourselves.This is where our performance is concerned. . We can cheat ourselves in order to get the peace of mind arising out of delusion and this is where we go to the next topic of 'blame and'should'. I wholeheartedly agree with you that these are nasty words and will tend to only muddle us and make us lose our clarity o f thought and perception. I have come to the conclusion that detaching ourselves totally from an issue and thinking over and over again before implementing any course of action would be the best solution to this. There is a great sage in Tamil who has written 'Thirukural' where he has given the most profound of thoughts in couplets. There are ten couplets in a chapter[just 7 words and each couplet holds a wealth of meaning. HE has given in beautiful poetic form that regret after the completion of any action is shameful and that any decision should be arrived at after deep contemplation.This would be expressed in just seven words-you would not believe it. Regarding the words of others haunting us and affecting us, I feel it is because we lacked self confidence at that point of time and our self esteem depended largely on these uncles and aunts [actually they scar us a lot] I feel that detaching ourselves totally from these people who are not terribly interested in us anyway[they have many more things to do-only if we look up to them they would not lose an opportunity to put us down]and gettingon as though they didn't exist would be the best solution to this.