Why are we harder on ourselves...than we are on others?

Hello again...thanks for your on-going support of perspectives topics and your positive feedback. Always good to know discussions hit the mark for fellow members and valued friends here. I completely understand and agree with your points about how some religions teach that humans are sinners and need to be redeemed...and that was a problem for me from my earliest recollections. Our family went to an Anglican and then United Church. We lived in a French community in Winnipeg..even though we were not French ourselves. Most of my friends were raised in the Roman Catholic church and had shame/blame embedded into their consciousness from early in life. My mother, bright spirit that she was always did her best to answer my questioning mind. She said I was asking "Why?" shortly after learning to say mom and dad. It never made any sense to me that if we are spiritual beings...spun off God as sparks of his essence..how could we be sinners? As has often been said...God doesn't make junk! So with my mother's encouragement and a lot of study in all the great religions I discovered the one common thread among all of them is...LOVE. If we make love the focus of our lives...then we begin to have more loving, compassionate thoughts for ourselves and others. As you said in your discussion Jesus spoke of love...and being hard and judgmental of ourselves and others is not very loving. To me our Creator loved us so much that we were given free will...to choose, to learn...to make mistakes...to learn from them...how boring it would be if we all got everything right the first time. Goodness I wouldn't want to live like that. Some of my toughest lessons came from all the things I didn't do well earlier in life. If we all thought more about what we learned through our errors in judgment we would be less inclined to blame ourselves or others...and make more loving choices. I see everyone on this planet as spiritual beings going through human experiences on their road to enlightenment. We do not all get there at the same time or pace...but that is because we have a right to choose and if that God-given right is good enough for our Creator...you would think it would be for the rest of us...but sadly it is not. In my view the churches started this sinner doctrine to have congregates turn to the 'leaders' rather than praying directly to God. Imagine where they would be if all the middle men were removed? To me that Still Small Voice Within can tell us all we need to know when we are still enough to listen. Those who look outside themselves for answers rarely find them in my experience anyway. So easy to understand...not so easy to apply. But as I said in my response on your site I truly believe if we could love enough we'd solve all our human rights concerns. Ah yes...like John Lennon said...Imagine! Always good chatting with you... Raia

Hi again perspectives, I posted the above comment when I had simply meant to preview it, I think however it contains most of what I intented to say. It might be interesting to see if this business of being harder on ourselves than on others is as common in other cultures. Blessings.

Hi...and thanks for offering your own perspective here. How I handle the 'what ifs' is that if I learned something from what appears to be a 'mistake' or less than I am capable of it gives me an idea of how to do it better next time. We learn by doing...and by what some label as a 'failure.' However, if we can come to terms with the fact that life is about learning, refining our choice making abilities and striving to do better through each transformational change we go through why should we beat ourselves or others up? To me striving for excellence and doing something better through time is the mark of success in my book. It is all in how we 'frame' it...things always look different when viewed from other "Perspectives." Couldn't resist that one! (Smiles) Raia

I know you have a hard time with it...I sense the big pause on the phone whenever I offer my praise and validation of who you are and how you live. You have come to know me well enough by now that I sense you trust what I say and that I am in, no way flattering you. I respect you too much for that and I know you'd pick up on that kind of cr@p in no time flat and you'd respect me less because of it. Yes, it is hard for most of us to give ourselves the credit we are due...but you know what my friend? It does get easier with practice. As I have quoted before..."It ain't bragging when you do it! And you my warrior woman friend and soul sister...you do a lot! Luv ya...talk after we get back tomorrow if it isn't too late. If not Monday for sure. Sleep well. I'll be signing off shortly. It is 12:20 AM...and my Sweetie is waiting downstairs. Just want to finish these responses....and I am out of here! Raia

Hi again..and thanks for you input. I agree that mindsets affect EVERYTHING! We do what we know until we decide something different. Choices and consequences...tough to accept but it puts the responsibility squarely on our shoulders alright. Raia

Good point Cordacs...thanks for bringing it up. There is tendency to over compensate or take things out on others depending where our self-esteem lies. Demanding, harsh criticism of others is hardly a way to motivate. At least that is what my hubs taught me...and it was a lesson I needed to learn. Raia

Hi again skinnychick...and thanks for your open, honest disclosure. As a life coach we are always interacting with people who share their patterns and beliefs. Some of them are working...but a lot are not. From the sound of it you have some good insight...and are looking for balance. As we seek...we do find. I used to be hard on myself...and hard on those close to me as well...and thankfully I have made tremendous inroads and my life is happier as a result of it...and so are my loved ones. Perfectionistic thinking is tough. It never really allows for savoring the moment and the successes because the endless chatter and 'shoulding' often makes people think they 'should' have done better. My hubby helped me a lot with this because he often said..."When is enough...enough?" When I realized it was hard for me to let things be I had an epiphany. My father always made me feel that no matter how hard I tried...enough never was enough. It was his harsh criticisms that made me feel that I wasn't measuring up and I translated that to pushing myself and everyone else...really hard. During my educational training I remember a teacher saying that; "We treat ourselves the way our parents treated us." That was a light bulb moment and from that point on I began working on setting realistic goals and being happy with my efforts whether the outcome was 'perfect' or not. So many people live in a constant state of agitation and regret by blaming or 'shoulding' themselves and their loved ones. To me we all have a right to choose our path and learn by doing. If we mess up and learn something...we haven't failed. I could write volumes about this...but I think you get the gist of where I am coming from. Good luck with finding your happy medium. Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I know we'll chat again. Raia

Hi again, The potential for self-criticism to be destructive or constructive relates to whether that criticism is negative or positive, respectively.. Statements which repeat or rehearse the error, such as "You can't do anything right" or "You always mess up" etc etc simply reinforce the previous outcomes and perpetuate them. Statements which affirm the desired result, like "You can do better than that" or "The right way to do it is..." etc etc will direct one's actions to where they should be. In metaphysical parlance, "As a man thinketh, so is he..." is both figurative and literal. As within, so without. Our thoughts attract the corresponding reality. These issues go towards what we are CAPABLE of doing, our individual potentials to achieve things in the material world. The moral questions, as to whether we should be making the choices that we do, are another matter entirely. Both arenas are internally our own exclusive personal domains, and we'll each be held accountable for both when we face our Maker on Judgment Day (and He'll be a lot more scary than Arnie).

Hi again, The potential for self-criticism to be destructive or constructive relates to whether that criticism is negative or positive, respectively.. Statements which repeat or rehearse the error, such as "You can't do anything right" or "You always mess up" etc etc simply reinforce the previous outcomes and perpetuate them. Statements which affirm the desired result, like "You can do better than that" or "The right way to do it is..." etc etc will direct one's actions to where they should be. In metaphysical parlance, "As a man thinketh, so is he..." is both figurative and literal. As within, so without. Our thoughts attract the corresponding reality. These issues go towards what we are CAPABLE of doing, our individual potentials to achieve things in the material world. The moral questions, as to whether we should be making the choices that we do, are another matter entirely. Both arenas are internally our own exclusive personal domains, and we'll each be held accountable for both when we face our Maker on Judgment Day (and He'll be a lot more scary than Arnie).

Hello again...and thanks for another interesting 'perspective.' I understand and can agree with your ideas on tough love...and having exacting standards as a way of moving ourselves forward. As you said..."To benefit from the imposition of one's own rigorous standards of judgment is oneself." If the goal is to strive for excellence rather than demean ourselves for every little thing we did not measure up to within those "rigorous standards" that can be a good thing. Unfortunately there are those that are so hard on themselves that they go through life feeling like a failure because their perfection-istic thinking does not ever quite meet the mark in their eyes. That is when the pattern can become self-defeating rather than self-supporting. There is a lot of that out there and as life coaches my hubby and I continually see the unhealthy aspects of being too hard on oneself. Like a lot of other things in life...balance is the key. I appreciate your input here...thanks for your interest and involvement. Raia

Hello again..and thanks for your thoughtful response. Yes, when all is said and done there is no point in worrying about the past or projecting into the future. My mother always said that all we ever have...is this moment. If we live fully within it and 'let go and let God' our lives are fuller and richer. Worrying about things is pointless and as it has often been said so often...in the prayer of serenity. Change what we can, accept what we cannot...and have the wisdom to know the difference. You always seem to know how to tune into your own intuitive knowing about things...and that is why you will always find your answers. I know from experience...as we seek...we find. Always a pleasure to chat with you my friend. Raia

I completely agree. It's pointless to worry about what happened and we have no idea of what the future will bring so worrying about it doesn't help. Of course from agreeing with is and believing it, to actually do it ... there's some space in between those LOL I think I am doing a bit better, but there's still room for improvement :)

I really have to be as grounded as I can. MY plate has been overflowing for some years now and there's a whole range of different things on that plate LOL I sometimes feel discourage but I look back and I had a wonderful life for so long before.. maybe it's life's way of keeping everything in balance. Things were way too good before now they need to be less good.... Ok so I don't really believe that but it helps to keep everything in perspective LOL

I understand and empathize with your flip/flops...been there too. Another parallel!! I am sure you will get there because you want to. The power of intent can carry us to our goals in profound ways! I have found that the ability for people to 'give themselves a break' and acknowledge a job well done...regardless of outcome is something everyone needs to do more of. As I said in the response above I love the quote I read somewhere..."Even God cannot change the past." The Buddhists teach that all our suffering comes from our attachments be they possessions, people...the past, the future, fixated thinking, worrying about outcomes...etc. When I studied their teachings and thought how this one in particular was sooooo true things began to change for me. Now I do my best to focus in the NOW of my experiences and I am much healthier and happier. There is a quote in our kitchen that I look at every morning and it says.."Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday...and all is well." When I think back about all I worried and fretted about in the past...and how true that saying is I am much more able to take control of what I can in the moment...and let the rest outwork as it will. Ahhhhhh...breathing space! Take care...enjoyable sharing and chatting with you. Raia

Hello again Pye. I do appreciate how challenging it was...and still is for you to outgrow the years of negative imprinting that developed as a result of the dynamics between you and your mother. It is not easy to erase...but it is good that you are able to give yourself kudos for the inroads you have made...and continue to make. The power of your intent and a sincere desire to release attachment to all those old definers will eventually dissolve. It took me a lot of years and self-determination to realize that the perception I developed about myself through my family of origin was invalid. Once we begin to awaken to the fact that as adults we often continue treating ourselves as our parents treated us it becomes easier to change the pattern. I reached a point where as much as I loved my mother...and wanted both her and my father's approval I was never going to get it in ways that I wanted and needed. As you said...when we begin to approve of ourselves...the echoes of their perception of us becomes fainter and eventually no longer heard. The fact that you are holding to the innate knowing that it is never too late to be great and live life on your own terms will be the guiding force in what you want to enjoy now and in the future. I sincerely wish you all good things and that you be as tender and compassionate with yourself as you are with your friends and precious fur-babies. How is Pyewacket doing? You have both in my thoughts. Sending you love and light.. Raia

Ditto...double posts...they do happen. But thanks for your response...they are appreciated. Raia

Hello and thank you for your input. I absolutely agree with you that we have to 'push' (or gently nudge) ourselves beyond familiar comfort zones to progress. However, it is all about the way it is done...is the pushing, guiding or nudging done in loving, encouraging, motivating ways...or through blaming/shaming/judgmental ways? Scientific studies have consistently shown that we all respond to positive reinforcement for our efforts...and that we will try harder with that line of thinking than being put down for not measuring up. Attitude is everything and all too often significant people early in life squash motivation by giving kids the idea that no matter what they do it is never good enough. Eventually some stop trying. To me accentuating the positive works far better whether it is our internal self-talk or what we say to others. This I know from both my personal and professional experiences. Raia

Being hard on ourselves can motivate in some cases I guess. To me, striving for excellence does not require being hard on ourselves. In my my many transitions throughout life I am at a place where pausing and give myself kudos for a good job (even when it is not perfect) motivates me more than beating myself up. My hubby is the same way. He is the one who consistently reminds me that most of us do better with positive reinforcement rather than negative mind chatter. Having said that...we all have to choose what path is best for us and do what works! I appreciate your comments...and perspective...thanks!

I am usually very positive with everyone but myself. That is my fall back, to be hard on me. I thrive on it. However I have done everything from writing to professional cooking. Aingealicia

I appreciate your sensitive response and your willingness to share how ridiculing comments affected you. When we come to accept that they are only expressing THEIR opinion and we can choose how it will affect us life gets easier. When all is said and done WE are the ones who have a right to choose our path and learn from the choices we make. Not taking oneself too seriously and laughing at mistakes is a great attitude. To me mistakes are learning experiences...and every great invention came into manifestation with a lot of mistakes beforehand. I appreciate your comments about moving on...I loved a quote I read somewhere and that is: "Even God cannot change the past!" So true...so being invested in something that is long gone does seem rather futile alright. In my view we need to have more compassion for ourselves...it makes life easier and more rewarding from my experience both personally and professionally. Raia

Hi and welcome to Mylot...I love golden eagles by the way! When I hear you describe your dynamic with yourself I cannot help but wonder who instilled that harsh 'driver' in you. Often it starts early in childhood and stays with us for a lifetime. I am a life coach and my hubs and I work with people from all walks of life. Today I was doing a session with a 70 year old woman said that she drives herself because all her life she has been seeking approval and acceptance from her 91 year old mother and never gets it. Perfect example of how the 'being hard on ourselves' pattern starts and sometimes does end until we put a stop to it. Maybe somewhere in your life an important person was hard on you. We treat ourselves the way we've been treated...or the way our parents treated us until we choose something different. That was a tough lesson for me to learn...my dad became my inner critic until I silenced him and began listening to my own inner voice. When I did...ahhhhhh how quiet it is in my head now! (chuckles) Raia

You approach to what often amount to emotional toxicity is a good one. I loved what you said about looking up to them...and them putting us down. That was the dynamic with my father and I eventually had to accept that I would never measure up...and I quit trying. It was at that point that I started striving to meet my own goals...rather than his and life became easier and much happier. In Buddhism they teach that all our suffering comes from our attachments...both mental and material. Often we allow our minds to stay attached to outmoded beliefs that could be transformed if we would allow ourselves to do so. I think striving for excellence and moving beyond familiar comfort zones is wonderful...but beating ourselves up with negative mind chatter is a colossal waste of time and energy. Positive self-messages are inner motivators and they often assist us in getting where we want to be much faster than being overly hard on ourselves. Another great addition..thanks for you support. I posted some replies on your site and we'll keep our exchanges the enjoyable experiences they always are. Raia