What do you think of my story?

@dani27 (544)
United States
February 4, 2008 7:48pm CST
Okay here is the first part of my story in the first chapter... What do you think? How is my writing style? Would you read this? A gust of air hurried by Jerry and Merle, it wasn't the kind that made you want to go inside and wrap up in a blanket. It was different, a warm breeze that made you close you eyes and take in a deep breath. It made you feel something special was about to happen. You look around and take in every moment. That was what it felt like. The summer of 1940 was ending, the leaves were already beginning to change from the beautiful greens to red and gold. Merle's ward was having a celebration, Jerry never went to church much but when Merle asked he was always there. Fairmont Park was their place, it was just a few blocks from Merle's house and the perfect place to get away. Arm in arm they walked around the park, it wasn't a big park, like Liberty Park, full of people and excitement. It was different, like you could shout and noone could hear you. To Merle it was a place of Happiness. (That is the first paragraph, they get engaged and WWII starts. Jerry is told he will only serve for a year but while in training Pearl Harbor is hit and to make a long story short, Jerry is gone for 4 years with out coming home. ) this is a true story about my grandparents and I have my grandpa's journal and all the letters he sent to my grandma. What do you think about this story? Do you like it do you wnat more?
1 response
@gandatwo (602)
• Australia
5 Feb 08
Dani,I am not a critic in any proffessional calibre. You mention you have Grandpa's Journal,this can present a wonderful avenue for inspiration.There have been many books written on this very same subject,with this in mind one would truly have to do some research perhaps on WWII as well as Pearl Harbour,to meet with this competition. Given true passion and patience with yourself,you could produce a fantastic Novel. Good Luck,will keep an eye out for it in the book stores.