Just found out: My best friend cheats on her husband!!Help please..

Cyprus
February 5, 2008 10:36am CST
I am so confused! Here's the story: My best friend had many problems with her husband and a few months ago she decided to divorce him. The whole marriage was a mistake from the beginning. She married him for the wrong reasons and she never fell in love with him. They had a baby but things where still the sam between them. I should mention that he loves her but she is the one who doesn't. She tried a lot of times to explain that she wasn't happy, she wanted to divorce him, and he always asked for more time to fix everything and try harder, to stay together for their and their daughter's sake. Her parents could not accept the fact that she wanted a divorce just because she wasn't happy.They always said that a lot of people aren't absolutely happy and that she should stay with her family, and try to find things that could make her happy. They didn't approve her decision. My friend never cheated on him until now..(This was not the reason that she wanted a divorce-she wanted to divorce him anyway). This just happened and she told me about it a few hours ago..I was, and still am shocked!I told her to get that divorce immediately and go on with her life. I mean by wanting to be with another man only shows that she has no feelings about her husband and this story shouldn't go on and on forever. What shocked me the most is that the man she has an affair with now, is ..30 years older than her!!!!!! I don't know how much information my mind can process right now..Please help me to be able to help her..
9 people like this
20 responses
@BeSeven (22)
• United States
6 Feb 08
I have several comments here. First, it is not, repeat--NOT--your job to help her. You are her friend. That means if she needs help moving or painting her living room, by all means help her. If she confides in you that she is cheating on her husband with a man 30 years her senior, it is your job to listen, perhaps reflect back what she says, as in "So you're having an affair with this man who is 30 years older. How do you feel about that?" Maybe help her to come to terms with her own feelings and motivations, but don't help her any more than that. Anything more than that is simply enabling a destructive behavior and it will not do your friend any good. You shouldn't judge her (at least not to her face), but you definitely shouldn't enable her in any way either. Second, She may well have decided to have the affair in order to motivate her husband to let her have the divorce--a stupid thing to do in my opinion, if that's what she did, but it does have a certain logic to it. What she should have done was to stand up to her husband and parents and leave him before she had the affair. But I suspect you know that, and I suspect she knows it too, so you don't need to tell her that. Third, and this is probably the most important: You sound way too stressed about this. I think you need to take a step back , take a deep breath, and repeat loudly to yourself, "This is my friend's life, and I am not responsible for fixing it." Repeat it as many times as it takes for you to believe it.
• United States
6 Feb 08
No, thats what you're not understanding efty, you don't have to deal with it, she does. No matter the situation she is in now, she started this ball rolling when she made certain choices in her life, choices that you did not help her to make, nor are you responsible for. The best thing you can do is be there for her, be a listening ear, and try to guide her to the right choices, but in the end, its her choice to make things better for herself.
1 person likes this
@arwenrey (315)
• Philippines
6 Feb 08
I would suggest that you tell the husband and also tell him that she is not happy anymore with his husband that's why she had an affair. Your best friend would not get angry with you for telling this to his husband because at this point i think she doesn't care anymore since she doesn't love her husband. In my opinion your bestfriend did this as an act of rebellion because she is not happy. You could also suggest a marriage counseling so that from there the couple could tell if they really deserve to be together.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Feb 08
I understand where you are going, but don't you think it would be a bit going out of the way for the friend of the wife to tell the husband what is going on? The husband may become angry and take it as a way of butting in.
@arwenrey (315)
• Philippines
7 Feb 08
Well if you're not that close to the husband, better not tell him. Just ask your best friend to tell his husband her love affair, if she's not willing to tell him you ask some other close relative or friend of the husband. The husband need to know this and if possible let him see it with his own eyes to make him realize that his marriage over.
@Ravenladyj (22919)
• United States
5 Feb 08
I'm going to be quite frank here..I think her parents are foolish for saying that she should stay in a loveless marriage and fake it instead..that is SO cruel! not just to her but to her husband as well...Theres now a child involved what would them staying together and playing this stupid game be teaching that child...To stay in a miserable situation just to keep up appearances?? B.S!...not to mention why risk staying and resenting each other, both of them being miserable (because as much as he may love her, he CAN'T be truly HAPPY in this marriage either)...Why hold each other back from finding TRUE love... Secondly...what does this new partners age ahve to do with anything..UNLESS you think she's after something which is very possible from the sounds of it.... all that being said, I think she went about it the wrong way...her being with this other man while still married to a man who is trying to hang on to her is IMO cruel...She needs to seperate from him and let him grieve and find the ability to move on..
1 person likes this
• Cyprus
5 Feb 08
I agree that she went about it the wrong way. I don't know if she can take things from the beginning now with the new relationship and all..This makes things more confusing
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Feb 08
I agree. She's not doing her husband any favours either - he could be getting on with his life and finding somebody who really does love him back.
1 person likes this
@livintx49 (245)
• United States
6 Feb 08
Why do friends tell you things like that,I have a friend that did the same thing. She's still mariied he gives her anything she wants but she cheats anyway. I don't understand it either.
1 person likes this
• Hyderabad, India
6 Feb 08
Take a divorce from his immedeately. and she live with her family.
1 person likes this
@SHAMRACK (8586)
• India
6 Feb 08
Hi, That is another part of life, personally I feel it is better to divorce before it gets worser if the sincere husband knows this we may not able to predict how he might respond or react and as long as his wife do not love him too. But the bitter part might have to be faced by that innocent child.
1 person likes this
@MarkFly (15)
• China
6 Feb 08
Oh,T'm sorry to hear that.And please calm down.You'd better have a talk with your best friend.Or you can make chance for them.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
6 Feb 08
Your friend is going thru alot and the most you can do is just simply not judge her and be their for her. Advise? hmm...this really sounds like stuff that she needs to figure out on her own but I'm sure that just being her friend and shoulder will be helpful to her.
1 person likes this
@angel08 (120)
• Philippines
6 Feb 08
First, divorce is the best way for her before entering to another affair. second, age does'nt matter as long as they love each other and she's happy with him. About her parents, they are wrong to ask her to stay with her husband even though she's not happy anymore and bec. they have child. People always use their child or children as an excuse to stay together even if there's no more feeling (affection) for their partner.everybody have the right to be happy .
1 person likes this
@crazed_moma (1054)
• United States
5 Feb 08
ewwwwww He's old enough to be her father! On the subject of her marriage stay out of it. If you tell her husband he WON"T thank you for it! It seems a cowardly way to end a mariage but he does all ready know that she's not in love with him so it shouldn't come as a shock.
1 person likes this
@Stiletto (4582)
5 Feb 08
I think it's bizarre that her parents would want her to stay in a relationship where she is clearly unhappy. Of course it's a shame for her husband who obviously wants to make the marriage work but some things just can't be fixed. If she doesn't love him then he has to accept that. Marrying him for the wrong reasons (whatever they are) was a foolish thing to do but at least she was honest enough to ask for a divorce. I also think having an affair is not a smart move on her part but I suspect she may well have her own agenda there. Perhaps she feels if her husband finds out about it then she will finally get him to agree to the divorce that she wants. It's a cruel thing to do to someone who loves her enough to keep trying to make the marriage work, but I guess it's a strategy that might work. Personally I think she would be better ending the marriage no matter what other people say, and then move on with her life. I don't think the fact this other guy is 30 years older is relevant in any way though.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Feb 08
Well, 26 is still a tender age to those of us over 50. Shame on that older man for taking advantage of a vulnerable young woman!!! He must know that he's in an adulterous relationship, and if he'll do it WITH her he'll do it TO her -- that's something SHE needs to know! Also, children would rather COME from a broken home than LIVE in one! I know it's hard, at her age, to defy both her parents and her spouse, but she really needs to follow her heart on this one, no matter what they all say. If you really want to help her, help her find a lawyer right now. Also try to help her see the true character of this other man, but gently . . . using "I" statements. (Like, "I can help but think that if he does it with you . . ."). Good luck, and remember what others have said here -- it's HER responsibility and her descision, all you can do is be supportive of the hard choices she's got to make.
• Cyprus
7 Feb 08
ok, thank you. I will have it in mind
• United States
5 Feb 08
She is helping herself already. Is she not having the extra marital affair. LOL She is so funny. Well on to better words. I thin she is doing the right thing by wanting to be free. I don't feel she should be sleeping with this other man right now. As well as everyone knows life happens and we follow the flow. Her husband and family is not helping by requesting she stay. She had every right to be happy as he is to have love. Let her live her life and you just be their to listen .
• Cyprus
5 Feb 08
I feel really awful that you find it funny..I am having hard times to handle this..I appreciate the comment though
• United States
11 Feb 08
How long have they been married? I do not know your friend or her family so I am only speculating. I would say that possibly her family wants her to understand that marriage is not always sunshine and roses and sometimes you work through the dry times. I wonder also if she truly wants this older man or if he just took advantage of an unhappy situation. About the only thing you can do is be her friend and listen. Also have they tried counseling? On any given day the grass can appear greener on the other side, perhaps an unbiased third party could help them both.
@chrislotz (8200)
• Canada
10 Feb 08
In my opinion I think that there really was no marriage to begin with. She admits she never loved him so why did she ever marry him in the first place. Anyways what's done is done. Even though he doesn't want a divorce she should start to look for her own place to live and move out with her child. He will then realize she is serious about getting a divorce. She should allow her husband to see his child when ever he wants to because this is only fair to the child. She should put her affair on hold and explain to this other man the situation and if he doesn't respect her wishes and understand then he isn't the wonderfull man she thinks he is. They could remain friends, but friends only.
• India
9 Feb 08
I do not understand how you people define Love? When a male express his desire to a female, there is a possiblity for croping up a love. But after a wedlock, the husband loves his wife but not reciprocated by her. I feel a child is born out of a love between the husband and wife. The contention of Your friend that she does't have love for her husband is not rational. A child can grow happliy with his/her own parents only. Your friend's parents are also opposing her intention to divorce. You have also informed her affairs with an older man. Normally, when woman has setup their mind to desert the husband and share this subject with a man, natually he will capitalise it. This situation will affect her child and her parents more than her husband. For a family, better understanding is a must, rather than love.
• India
9 Feb 08
hey its really shocking new for u . but it will more shocking news for her husband might be now he gona divorce him . i think her husband is good man and still loves her.but now might be he gonna change. well i could not say any thing in this situation. just do one thing that is to pray to god for ur help.
• United States
7 Feb 08
The age of the other man doesn't make a difference. It is that she feels that she needs to be with him is the point. You told her the right thing to do, get a divorce. If she can't get a divorce, at least she can separate from her husband, I mean live away from him.
@thefuture (1749)
• Nigeria
6 Feb 08
Hi eftychiap! I must say you have good intentions towards the lady and her husband and you don't want to see them continue in thesame condition. Let's not start blaming her for anything by saying "she shouldn't have married him in the first place". She should pray over the issue as well. I think if after prayers, and there's no solution, it will be better for them to divorce for their good, or else, they'll keep hurting themselves (most especially the wife). She should let the husband understand that happiness is the best thing in marriage. He (the husband) should understand that the relationship he has with his wife is not for good. Therefore it will be good for them to divorce for good. Thanks and have a great day.
• United States
6 Feb 08
Unfortunately there isn't much help you can give her. You explained everything yourself. She should have gone through with the divorce, no matter what everyone else said and "approved". You don't go opening a new door without closing the one behind you. She needs to go ahead and get the divorce, and takes some time to be by herself before she gets involved with anybody. You can tell her this as tactfully as possible, but all in all it will be her decision to do so.