Dreaming....its really confusing me

Tweet

let me start at the begining... as a child, I had no relationship with my dad...I grew up knowing who he was but that was it. I spent many a weekend at my grandparents house...they would talk of him and things...but nothing from him to me as father and daughter. As an adult, I went to see my grandpa in the hospital before he died...he asked me to try to make things right with my dad. I promised him I would. At this time, I was married with my 2 girls. I made attempts to get to know my dad...I always met him at my grandmas house. Finally, one day, I called him on the phone. I asked him to come to my house for dinner one night. I told him that he was welcome here and I wanted my kids to get to know their grandpa while they were still young. His reply to me was that if I wanted a relationship with him, I had to come to him at his house or at grandmas...I couldnt expect him to come to my house or just appear in my life. He was set in his ways and had his life patterned our. I hung up heart broken once again by a man that was suppose to love me...only this time it went deeper..he rejected my kids too. I made up my mind at that moment that I couldnt do a relationship that was one sided. I didnt want my girls wondering about their grandpa their whole life...whether or not he was gonna call or come see them, like I did for this same man as a dad while I was growing up. Its too heart breaking. So...we didnt talk for 11 yrs. We only lived 5 blockes from each other..we would walk by each other in the grocery store and not acknowledge each other at all. Well, he had a stroke and a cousin called me. A couple days later she called back and said that they were callig the family in and they thought I should be there. Reluctantly, I went. He was comatose and really distressed.. They told us then that he most likely wouldnt make it. A few days later, they called me again..this time it was my step brother. They wanted me there to help make the decision as to whether to take him off the ventilator. I went, but I kinda stayed back. I dont feel like it was my place to make that decision..I wasnt close to him. His wife made the decision to do it...He passed away within minutes after being taken off. I was there when he died. I went to the funeral...I didnt sit on the front row where I was expected to sit as his daughter..once again..it just wasnt my place. His "step" children had that right. They grew up knowin him as their dad. I also want to add that I didnt cry...I felt no sad emotion...I honestly was more angry than anything during the whole funeral. Im actually embarrassed to tell u all this...It just isnt right, i have shocked myself as to how I felt. ok..now to the dream part...I thought his death would give me closure on that part of my life...but no, it hasnt. I never dreamed of him before when he was alive...now after his death, I have had 4 dreams...in all of them, I see his body and know that it is him but he never has a face. I am totally confused by this...I just dont understand it all. Im thinking I might need to talk to somebody about this. Its really disturbin me...interupting my sleep...