Should I ask an ex to change his dating profile?
By CanadaGal
@CanadaGal (4304)
Canada
February 20, 2008 4:31pm CST
Recently, I dated a man for almost 2 months. In the first couple of weeks getting to know him, I told him about my oldest son who had died in 2000, and how my family and I celebrate his life on his birthday every year. I have a website dedicated to this day, which is also to spread the reminder that we all need to stop and appreciate all of the children in our lives. (www.chocolatecakeday.ca if you're interested in seeing it too).
He was rather moved by the website and celebration (as most are when they understand the concept), and immediately told as many people as he could about it. He posted it as his status message on msn, he put it on his facebook, and he put it on his dating profile (on the site we met from). He also wanted to get a decal made and put on his pick-up truck; something I asked him to not do, because it was too much too soon, and quite frankly, creeped me out.
When I decided to end things, I chose to have complete no contact with him. I had explained to him from the beginning that I already have more than enough friends, and what I was looking for was that extra something; that special someone. Although I am on various levels of friendship with other "exes", I have decided it is no longer a route I wish to take with anyone new.
Out of curiosity today, I went to his dating profile to see if my website address was still on there, and sure enough, it is. And it makes me uncomfortable. I have no idea if he put the decal on his truck, and in many ways, I sincerely hope he has not.
The website is easy enough to find if you google chocolate cake, it made the front page of the London Free Press, and was talked about on the radio as well. That doesn't count the facebook group that was started, and had over 4000 people sign up to take part in the event all over the world.
Now I am trying to decide if it is reasonable that I contact him and ask him to remove my website from his dating profile. It really bothers me that it is there, and that is likely because it is a trigger from the being creeped out by him wanting to do the truck decal thing. It has been about 1 1/2 months since I ended all contact with him, and he has been on his dating profile as early as 2 days ago.
What do you think? Should I contact him and ask him to change his dating profile? Or should I just get over it, and let it be? What would you do in the same situation? Am I over-reacting?
5 people like this
18 responses
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
21 Feb 08
I had a look at Chocolatecakeday and loved it. I think that it must have been an extremely cathartic project to undertake at a time when I am sure that you were torn apart. It is such a simple but powerful message and I had a few tears in my old eyes as I read it. I am sure that all your children are special and there is no doubt that you are a special mother. I think that if you would prefer your former date to remove the link then you, or someone else has got to tell him. But it would be kindest coming from you. If you don't mind, I have put the 25 Oct in my diary with a reference to the site.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
Of course I don't mind you adding CCD to your calendar. :) That IS the purpose behind it.
But do you agree that it's inappropriate for him to have it on his dating profile? It's not just mentioned in his "about me", but also as his intro header, next to his alias name.
I could just be over reacting. I have a tendency to do that sometimes. ;)
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
Whether or not I have someone else in my life right now isn't his business, so I wouldn't tell him that. I'm still pondering this.
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
21 Feb 08
This sounds to me like a man that hasn't been able to let go and is hoping that, however, tenuous, if he keeps this link then maybe there is just a hope??? This is clearly bothering you and you need to address it. May I suggest that you fire off one e-mail saying that you don't want to get into a dialogue and that whilst you are pleased that he hasn't forgotten the site, he needs to be clear that you and he are no longer in a relationship and that you would like him to remove the references. You may also like to make clear that you have someone else in your life and that you would like to move on. That's what I would do. Hopefully he will reply saying that the job is done.
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
22 Feb 08
I think I would be creeped out as well. It's nice of him to put up the website, but I think once the relationship is over it should have came down. If after a few days and it still bothers you, can you email him?, and ask if he would remove it from his dating profile.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
22 Feb 08
It's been 1 1/2 months now, and it's still up. I never did ask him to take it down. Honestly, I assumed he would have done that on his own accord.
1 person likes this
@Stiletto (4579)
•
21 Feb 08
Well I have to say I was going to start out by saying yes I thought you were over-reacting and then I thought about it and could see your point, particularly with the dating site and his suggestion about the decals on his truck because that would have creeped me out too, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. Then I thought about why that would have creeped me out and the reason I think would have been that I would have questioned his motives and doubted his sincerity. But then I'm often told I'm too cynical and suspicious and don't know a good guy when I see one!! SO ... now I've sort of come back to my first way of thinking again!
Maybe he's just a really nice guy who was genuinely moved by it all. The fact that you and him are no longer seeing each other is a separate thing and doesn't change the fact that it touched him in some way. If he had removed the link from his profile how do you think you would have felt? Wouldn't there have been a part of you that thought "well - that just shows how sincere he was about it all?" If I were you I wouldn't contact him and ask him to remove it from his dating profile. Firstly it's promoting the site, secondly you may really hurt his feelings by asking him to do so, and thirdly I just can't think of a way you could put it that didn't sound really mean and unreasonable to be honest. So I can relate to what you're saying in as much as I think I would probably react in the same way, but I guess I'm saying DON'T do what I would do lol!
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
You totally understand where I am with all of this... thank you! :D I'm so back and forth on it, I really am. For the time being, again, I'm siding with just letting it be, even though it creeps me out a bit.
@floramwaters (1595)
• United States
21 Feb 08
I have mixed fillings about this. I can see how this creeps you out, he wanted to do to much to fast, that would always send up flags in my book. But by him keeping your website on his profile it may bring more people to look at it. I would think that as long as he is not putting the site down to just let it go and look at it as bring more awareness to the cause.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
I have the mixed feelings as well, which is why I posted on here.. hoping others' opinions could help me sort through my feelings.
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
21 Feb 08
While I don't really see what the problem is, you are having a problem with it. So I would suggest doing what your heart tells you is the right thing. If it creeps you out, ask him to remove it. My opinion, he's getting the word out and that is a good thing. But you should be comfortable. However, please don't be surprised if he doesn't see things your way. Because of that, he may not remove it. All you can do is try. If you don't get the result you are after, I'd say move on.
@lolalolacherrycola (899)
• United States
21 Feb 08
I don't think you should contact him and ask him to remove. It seems to me that it is an altruistic gesture and you should just let well enough alone.
I don't see that it is causing anything harmful, in fact, quite the opposite.
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
See what I mean? He's just "too nice", and that makes me suspicious.
@Mamaof2 (574)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
I think that you are the only one that can make that call. Each person has their own feelings and altho sometimes not always understood by others around...there is a reason for one feeling the way they do. If this is something that really bothers you, then please ask him to remove it. This is your opinion, your choice. I think maybe that this guy is just trying to spread the word because maybe this subsect really had an effect on him. I think maybe making the decal for his truck was just another way for him to spread the word as this is something that would be seen. But, in the end...it is you that should make the call. It is your experience, your situation, your website and your emotions. So if you feel so strongly about it, please just ask him to remove it :-) Take care.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
I feel as though the reason he's keeping it on his page is because he's holding on to hope that I'll contact him again. HOWEVER, I also know that he is just that kind of a guy, and does want to share the story, b/c yes, he was very touched by it.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
I think you should look at the bigger picture, the website is there for people to see, otherwise why have one, you ended this relationship with this person, if he wants to promote the website, then let him, promotion is good, that is what you want for a website,
if you contact him it might open up a can of worms.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
That's what I'm trying to keep in mind... the promotion. But that doesn't end the fact that it creeps me out he's using it on a dating site. And yes, contacting him could open up a can of worms.
@subha12 (18441)
• India
21 Feb 08
i think why he should?
rather why should you ask him to change?
may be you are not adting him, but he may have been keeping you in mind this way.
i think it also helps to spread the message of your website.
if you are not taht much bothered, then let it be.
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
I'm not bothered enough that I lose sleep over it... just enough that I felt the need to get opinions on mylot. ;)
@serena_wai (970)
• Malaysia
21 Feb 08
I think it is very nice of him to help u spread around. Just take it less seriously and stop visiting his dating portfolia.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
I don't know what possessed me to look to see if it was still there. But it was the first time I'd looked at his profile since the day I broke up with him in early January.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
21 Feb 08
First off, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. As a mother, I can only imagine what you've been thru. Secondly, It bothers you. It doesn't matter why...it does. Because of that he should remove it. I would contact him and nicely ask him to respect your wishes. Any decent person would oblige.
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
I'm sure he would oblige, but I really don't want to reopen contact with him. That's why I'm torn. Sigh!
And thank you for your sympathy in the loss of my son.
@phillygirl606 (1112)
• United States
21 Feb 08
it doesn't seem like he is trying to cling on to you or anything.. Has he been trying to contact you since the break up? Sounds like he was just so moved by the website. You said your self there was a facebook page with over 4,000 members on it. If any of them 4,000 members had the website on there profile it would not bother you. I would just forget that he has it there and erase all his profiles if it bothers you that bad. Out of sight out of mind you know.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
For the most part he is out of sight out of mind. And I'm not sure what went on today that possessed me to check out his profile to see if it was still there.
And no, he hasn't tried to contact me at all since I broke things off with him.
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
it just seems inappropriate to me that he have it up on his internet dating profile.
@Deea48 (1166)
• United States
21 Feb 08
Perhaps it bothers you because you know when he looks at that link he will think of how he got it.From you and maybe you do not want him to think about you. At any rate, if it helps to promote your cause , I do not see the harm of him leaving it up.
That was the goal 1st off right, to get the word out.
Good luck, sorry it creeps you out.
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
That could be it... I want him to move on and not think about me... and the website is an association with me.
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
21 Feb 08
I really don't see what the problem is. It's not like it's a personal page. You just said that thousands of people belong to groups dedicated to the movement as well as there being a publication in dedication do it. Just because you used to have a relationship with him, doesn't mean he can't support the cause anymore. Do you personally know everyone who is a member of your movement? What's the difference?
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
That's what I'm wrestling with too.. what's the difference? I don't know. I was hoping putting it out here might help me to figure out why it's bothering me so.
@gem4678 (220)
• United States
20 Feb 08
If it really makes you that uncomfortable you could, now I don't know all the facts and sometimes intuition is more than fact but it sounds to me like he was just trying to reach out to you and support a really good cause, maybe he is being creepy but yet again maybe your story and site just touched him that deeply. Never know maybe if you try to talk with him and ask why he got so into it maybe it could clear up the air a bit. Just my opinion but as I said I don't know all the facts you have to do what you are most comfortable with. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@CheshireKat (564)
• United States
21 Feb 08
Actually I'm rather impressed with the guy. I can understand what you said in response to someone else's post about not feeling like there was enough chemistry, or feeling like he was -too- nice. (People that are too nice weird me out a little, too.)
Honestly, though, if the banner is still up it's because it was truly touched by the story, not because he was just trying to get on your good side/win brownie points.
I would say that if he wanted to keep it to support your message then that says something for him, but if it's something you don't feel comfortable with then just tell him. It's better to let him know than just keep harboring it against him.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
21 Feb 08
I don't talk to him anyways, so any harbouring on my part won't affect him in any way.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets weirded out by people that are 'too nice'.
