What do you usually do if you and your friends have misunderstanding?

Philippines
February 22, 2008 11:04pm CST
I have this friend of mine that really upset me last week. I coudn't bear her insensitivity. I went to their dormitory last week to welcome her back from vacation in the Philippines and I was actually ready to listen for I know she got a big problem with her sick father but when I came in their place after almost one hour of travel I just felt like I was not welcome. When I knocked on the door she didn't even open it for me or even say "come in get inside" at first I didn't mind so I just went inside thinking that probable nobody is inside after I've noticed that the door was not locked. Then I called out her name several times and she didnt answer, I found her on her bed under her quilt so out of curiosity I checked out if she is sleeping and she's not so that's the time she said hi and told me to help myself eat my lunch for she's already finished. After that she just slept so what I did is wait for her to wake up and I already bid goodbye and I went back home. I'm not talking to her until now. I don't know how we can settle this. How about you if you and your friend or friends have misunderstanding what do you usually do to resolve it?
3 people like this
11 responses
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
23 Feb 08
Oh hon, she's probably stressed out to the max about her father and just didn't want to talk about it to any body at the time. Plus the traveling probably wore her out and she just needed the rest. I really don't think it had anything to do with you at all but she's trying to adjust to the fact that her father may not be around for much longer. Try doing this, put yourself in her shoes and see how you would feel then maybe you can get a better understanding of how she's feeling. She really needs you now more than ever. Hang in there sweetie, I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you in any way. Go talk to her and be sensitive to what she has to say.
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
Hi catsanddogs! It's probably annoying but actually I do understand that she's stressed out and bothered about her situation, it won't hurt me even if she just slept for all the time that I was there, if she had just answered me when I called her name instead she just talked to her boyfriend on the phone then slept after they talked. What bothers me most is that this is not the first time that she did this to me and not just twice I just felt like if I will let her do this to me then she wouldn't know that she's already hurting me and she will do this again and again. I'm afraid I'm being too sensitive about this. Thanks for responding. Take care and God Bless!
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
23 Feb 08
Ahhh this isn't the first time, huh? You really have to talk to her. Otherwise you'll keep running into her and those hurt feelings will come rushing back again and again. Just go to her and tell her you want to talk to her and see what she says and acts. If she gets all upset and angry then she wasn't much of a friend to begin with but if she listens to you and your concerns then she's a friend to keep.
@owlwings (42094)
• Cambridge, England
23 Feb 08
Having read what you wrote explaining the situation further, I wonder many things. Don't forget that her need to maintain her relationship with her boyfriend may come from an entirely different place than her need to maintain a relationship with her friends. The fact that she talked with her boyfriend and not with you may simply mean that she feels she has to make the effort to talk to her boyfriend, otherwise she may lose him. Maybe she feels more secure with you and can afford to be her real self that (at the moment) doesn't want to talk about things and needs to sleep. You can call her behaviour rude, if you like, but that isn't going to solve anything. What will help is if you are a true friend who cares more about her than about that she was rude to you.
1 person likes this
@diillu (5128)
23 Feb 08
Whatever the reason was for her to act that way I would still say that she was really rude. Despite of knowing that you are there in her place after one hour long journey, she acting that way is really rude. It's not accpetable. I think it is always better to talk. Things might not be same as you are thinking so it's better if you have a talk with your friend. Cause a small misunderstanding isn't worth a friendship. A little chat can help you clear your misunderstandings.
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
As of now I really don't know how to talk to her and how to settle this misunderstanding but I'm hoping that we can talk. The problem is I don't want to make the first move. I want her to realize her actions so that she wont do it again. Thanks for responding. God Bless!
@dragon54u (31637)
• United States
23 Feb 08
There's nothing wrong with making the first move--perhaps she was embarrassed enough by her thoughtlessness that she thinks you don't want to talk to her. Even if this isn't the case, you have to decide if her friendship is more important than your pride. If you do talk with her and find that she really doesn't care about you, it'll hurt for awhile and you'll be a bit humiliated but it will go away. Years from then, she'll look back and be sad that she threw you away but you, at least, will have no regrets because you did the best that you could. There'll be no "what if"s on your part. I hope everything turns out ok.
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
hello dragon54u! I am not happy having this pride I guess I needed more time but I will swallow my pride and talk to her. I just hate the idea of I'm always the one who needs to understand but anyway Friendship is more important. Thanks for responding.
@secretbear (19463)
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
hi jhoana! ^__^ i think your friend is either tired or she has a problem that she isn't ready to share yet. maybe she isn't feeling well at all. the fact she was in the bed all the time you were there is a sign that she must be feeling sick. maybe she has her period and experiencing PMS. or, maybe she is depressed because of a certain problem that is bugging her. and she's not ready to talk about it yet nor share it with a friend. i'm sure she didn't mean to be insensitive towards you. maybe she just want some space and time for herself. i get like that sometimes. i think you should understand her first before you get angry at her. give her some time to be alone and i'm sure she'll be back to normal in no time and she'll be warm and friendly to you again. if me and my friends have a misunderstanding, we usually don't see each other for some time and cool our heads. then we'll talk when we're both ready with open mind to accept explanations and apologies. but most of the time we only have petty quarrels that we don't really need to say sorry to each other verbally. we just forget about it and continue being friends. ^__^
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
hello secretbear! I agree with you my friend and I need some time. I'm planning to send her an e-mail before I left for Macau by the time she read my mail I'm out and not available and so I have an excuse for my delay response to hers. LOL. I can't get rid of this pride and I'm not happy about it. But I will try to settle this.. thanks for responding.
1 person likes this
@secretbear (19463)
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
LOL i think its okay to obey with our pride once in a while. that makes us human. ^__^ goodluck with things with your friend. and take care at Macau! ^__^
@raijin (10373)
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
I guess you came at the wrong time, she's not in a good mood and could be that she's pre-occupied with all the problems that clutters in her mind. I'd suggest that you give her some time alone, she's just looking for ways to solve the problem without looking for other people's suggestions at the moment. But for sure, she'll come to you for comfort and advise as soon as she realizes that cannot solve it by her own. Being her friend, you should be the one to understand the situation she's into right now..
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
What really confused me is that she actually invited me to visit her and other friends in their place and she even told me slept over. I think she's really not in the mood for me but with her boyfriend of course she has all the good mood. When I came there she's talking with her bf on the phone. At first, I didn't mind but after they talked she just slept.... didn't even bother to tell me she will sleep but in fairness with her she said she's sorry after she woke up but I'm already angry so I decided to go back home and didn't talk to her after that. You are right I should understand her but I just don't like the feeling that I am the one who always need to understand. I hope I can settle this but as of now I don't have idea how. I must admit I don't want to make the first move.
1 person likes this
@raijin (10373)
• Philippines
24 Feb 08
You don't have to worry about it, you can always talk about her problem and as well as her being insensitive when the right moment comes.
24 Feb 08
Hi Jhoana This happens in everybodies life in different ways, but when i see your situation i think your friend must be tired & had to solve her problems, but since you are her friend she could have shared her feelings with you, coz you went all the way to meet her, What ever the matter is just remain calm, & silent for sometime, & dont be feeling worried about things, she is your friend & you are her friend & you both have to speak to one another, & solve the issue between you both if she is not talking to you, i suggest you to just write all your feelings about her in a sheet of pape, & just drop it to her, when ever she is free or when she recieves your letter she will definitely read your letter, & understanmd you dont worry of anything, pen down all you feel about her treating you & how you feel just give a try to this, & see what responce you get Take care
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
hi cindrel_27! Thank you so much for your response, very well said. I will send her e-mail hoping that evrything will turn out fine. God Bless!
@MGjhaud (22838)
• Philippines
24 Feb 08
it's not really a misunderstanding in my part with my girl friend. It's a sort of lost of some update in our lives since after her college she went out of town to work and some part of my activities is unknown to her. one time i saw an old friend of ours and something was revealed to me by that common friend about my girl friend. I was so upset that she couldn't just tell me the truth and get revealed by some old friend. i was really shocked from that revelation and couldn't move on for a while because I was so stuck and hurt. until now, I refused to contact and just say hi and hello to her which I often say. But I make sure I do it in a not-so-obvious way because I don't want any trouble like that. I don't like it. I just prefer to put our communication on the low side for now. Because I'm still hurt. :(
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
hi mgjhaud! I hope everything with you and your friend will turn out to be just fine. If you are still hurt like me then take your time then settle every conflict in the right time. God Bless!
@manya_pearl (1903)
• Singapore
24 Feb 08
I usually have misunderstanding with my friends since i am older than them and they are acting like older than me but also childish as 5 years old person. I just let them talk and talk... let them talk and not to listen them. for some reason, i am easily become sensitive and i dont want to get hurt by them. I also prefer not to meet them for few days, until my mood to cool, and i can face them again. If we have very serious prob, then we will talk about it in "joke" way, even its not really reach to the misunderstanding prob, but we can understand one another. For short, its the only way keep my friendship with them.
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
same with me manya_pearl, I'm older than them so I should always be the one to understand which is sometimes tiring already. next time i will try to solve it in a joke way. thanks for responding.
@owlwings (42094)
• Cambridge, England
23 Feb 08
Those are all the symptoms of being very depressed. I think this is the time that she most needs friends. It is always worth being critical when YOU feel hurt. Ask yourself what makes you feel angry or sad or hurt? Sometimes it is simply because we haven't really been concerned about how our friend is feeling and why they seemed to respond with harsh words or actions. What makes us feel hurt in those situations is our pride in ourselves ... our own selfishness, really. We can GIVE friendship and love but if it hurts when it is not accepted, then we need to look very carefully at the reasons why we are giving. If they are at all selfish, then we are bound to be hurt and we should blame ourselves, NOT the other person.
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
Why do I have this feeling that you're pointing out that the problem is with me ^_^ ??? Hey, don't get me wrong, I understand you're commenting based on how I narrated what happened and that you don't know me nor my friend. Your comment brought me to asked our common friend if it was really my fault or if I'm being too sensitive and to my surprise I'm not the only one experiencing this from her not just now that she got problem but even before. You have to read my first comment on your first response above. This is not the first time she did this not even twice. I think I really dont know her well but if I still want her to be my friend then I should accept her moods after all nobody's perfect not even me nor YOU. I will send her mail and tell everything hoping that we both learn from this.
@ayou82 (3460)
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
Well cold shoulders at first but then we all learn to let go with anger.. as anger subsides.. all things are well. Friends will always be friends.
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
Oh yeah, I will let go of this anger and pride and I will send her e-mail. Hope things will turn out fine. Thanks.
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
23 Feb 08
sounds as if she may have been very tired or maybe not feeling well...maybe stressed too. Did she know you were coming? Maybe she just was not up for company. you must be a very good friend of hers if you felt comfortable enough t o let yourself in. I would bring her a flower and start over....call first & make sure she is up for company.
• Philippines
25 Feb 08
yes she knew I am coming, she was perfectly aware of it. now I'm thinking... does it mean I didn't felt comfortable enough that time then maybe we're not good friends? I will send her e-mail. Thanks for responding.
@suren2k6cse (2624)
• India
23 Feb 08
if we have some misunderstanding.. better option is to be calm for some time. i ll usualy think y i'm fighting wit my friend. then i ll talk free with him
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
Thanks for responding suren2k6cse. God Bless.