I Have Completely Failed You as a Parent
February 28, 2008 9:14am CST
Let me apologize for my abrupt departure yesterday. I was having the worst day of 2008 and I didn't want that to reflect in the comments I would have left many of you had I commented on your discussions. But I'm back now. Not better just back, so consider that a warning. I also apologize because this is a fairly long read but your comments will all be greatly appreciated and may just save me from going to prison. Many of you know I have 4 kids and that my children are the most important people to me on this pathetic planet. I brag about my children every chance I get and they are all absolutely perfect in my eyes. But they are not without their faults. My oldest girl is a genius. She has been since she was a baby but she is overweight and the stress of having to go between here and her fathers house every week has made her irritable and moody most of the time. I will blame it on stress until she she starts PMSing. Then it is natural. My youngest daughter is also brilliant and the happiest dang baby anyone will ever meet. She doesn't even cry when she gets shots. She is advanced for her age and easily learns new things. She said "I ove ew" for the first time yesterday.(that's "I love you" for those who can't understand baby talk) But she is a midget. She is almost 2 and is still in 12 months clothes. She has a little body 27.5 inches and a big head 17 cm. I know she isn't REALLY a midget but compared to my other 3 she is struggling to climb the growth chart. Now my boys. My beautiful, gonna have to lock them in a closet in 6 years so they don't make me a grandma before I'm 40, boys. My 6 year old struggles in school. He is on the honor roll but he has to really bust his butt to retain what he learns and I am very proud of him. But a year ago he was diagnosed with an "unspecified emotional disorder". That's doctor speak for "we don't know what the he!! is wrong with him but we still want to be paid". So he was prescribed a bunch of different theraputic services to help him with "his issues". He sees an occupational therapist. A physical therapist. A mobile therapist. Every freaking therapist you can think of, my son sees. I think it is a waste of everyones time and money. My sons "unspecified emotional disorder" cleared up within 6 months of him never having to see the guy who was just pretending to be his father ever again. So now that the stress had been removed from my child's life his psychologist couldn't justify his diagnosis so NOW I was just told that my 6 year old has O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) A.D.M.D.C. (adjustment disorder w/ mixed disturbance of conduct) A.D.H.D (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and E.L.D. (expressive language disorder) HOLY MOSES ON A POGO STICK! If he got one more diagnosis he would have the whole greek alphabet. But hey, what do I know? I have just lived with this child every day of his entire life. I didn't go to school for 8+ years and I don't have a shiny certificate from an accredited college hanging on my kitchen wall. So sorry doctor. You are absolutely right. My son needs to be locked away in a padded room and put in a straight jacket before he causes harm to himself or society. It must have been all those drugs I did while I was pregnant. (just as an aside, that was sarcasm. I was accused by CPS of being a drug addict but one hair follicle test later and those accusations were dropped.)Not to mention I had to clear a 10 year background investigation at both state and federal levels to get my job. But that is all besides the point. So the good doctor gives my son this laundry list of diagnoses after meeting with him for a WHOLE 20 MINTUES! Wow, this doctor is like a god. Maybe I should build a shrine in his honor and start worshiping him every Tuesday and on bank holidays. Needless to say I want a second opinion. And lastly my youngest son. He is 5. He learns quickly, has a memory like a steal trap, has had my talent for sarcasm since he learned how to talk, and is the cutest, most charming, affectionate, lovable little boy in the world. He is also manipulative, and his first instinct is to LIE about everything. "Honey stop playing with that toy" "I'm not playing with a toy mommy, I love you" As he is standing in front of me with it in his hands. GRRR! He was receiving some of the same services as his brother because they had a sibling relational problem because his brother used to get more of my attention because he needed it to get through all the crap that guy who used to pretend to be their dad did to him. My youngest son was always favored by this man and when he lost all his parental rights my son really took it hard that he will never be able to see him again. While my older son lit a bonfire and danced around it singing, Ding Dong the d!@k is dead. Oh no wait, that wasn't my son, that was me. But you get the point. So my youngest son had his evaluation yesterday and surprise surprise, he had regressed. Without going into all the details he was at a 4 on the chart they were using to track his behavioral progress and now he is at a 1. And what came as an even bigger surprise was when the psychologist told me IT WAS MY FAULT!. That my alienation of the man he grew to know as his dad and the severing of the bond the two of them had is what has caused my sons regression. Had my boy not been on my lap with his arms around my neck I would have walked out of the room, but not before serious considering stabbing the doctors monogrammed pen through his carotid artery. So again, I want a second opinion. Oh and by the way, now my youngest son has a whole laundry list of off the wall diagnoses to contend with as well. All of which I'm sure are my fault. How can this doctor have it both ways? How can me helping my oldest son by getting his abuser eradicated from his life be the best thing I ever did for him but be the reason my youngest son has regressed? Did it ever dawn on this 8th wonder of the medical world to consider that just for a moment my sons manipulations have finally lost some bearing on the people who provide him his care? That just maybe the honeymoon period is over and his care providers see him for the child he truly is? No probably not. Then it couldn't be MY FAULT. So silly I would even think that. So now before I smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and light up my crack pipe before noon (again more sarcasm, for those of you who take everything I type literally) let me ask you... Have any of you ever been blamed for a problem your child had? Have any of you ever felt that a problem your child had was truly your fault? Have any of you ever wanted to tell your doctor he would have made a fabulous Proctologist because he is obviously quite familiar with the insides of a rectum since his head spends the majority of it's time up there? How would you feel if you had been told these things about your child/children?
2 people like this
• United States
29 Feb 08
My heart goes out to you! I raised 4 girls on my own and it is the toughest job in the world. Yes, nowadays, everyone wants to be a brain disecter rather than just let the kids be who they are. I have gone thru a bit of what you have but not nearly to the extent you have. The trouble began when my 2nd daughter did not speak in school. She was and still is an extremly quiet person (23 now). The schools made a big deal out of it and even tho I was the same way as her, they would not listen to my suggestions on how to make her feel more comfortable. By the time she was in 3rd grade, the shrinks marched in & demanded testing, etc. It was a nightmare. In the meantime, my 3rd daughter began acting out because all my attention & time were being spent on her sister and my oldest daughter who was a teen at the time. They actually ignored my 3rd daughter whose grades began failing and also began not talking in an attempt to get the attention her sister was getting. Finally when 2nd girl entered 6th grade..i'd had enough. I DID get a 2nd opinion and I DID stand up to a board of 7 other "experts" and DEMANDED that they leave my daughter and my family alone! The 2nd opinion diagnosed my daughter with being selective mute...and hmm...so was I...only I was an adult who'd for the most part overcome it on my own. My daughter was extremely bright & getting honor grades...needless to say, I won my case. Unfortunately, I should have done it long before I did. My 3rd daughter had many problems which we have since straightened out, as a result of all this. My 2nd daughter suffered esteem problems from all the testing. Stand up for your family!!
• United States
29 Feb 08
p.s. Yes...I did get blamed for my daughters silence. They thought she was being abused and fearful...yet she was getting honor roll grades!?! By the way, she is now 23 and works hard and is very independent and smart and yes, still a quiet but very cool & creative person. She thanks me now for standing up for her and accepting her just as she was.
29 Feb 08
You are a tough mom I think to be able to manage everything. Things may not be good for you and your kids and I know how you feel. You never wanted your children to be in the situation they are into right now... And if the blame is on you... they may be right... but nobody has the right to judge you. It doesn't help. I know no matter what other people will say... your children are the best for you. I dont know what the exact word to say. Just want to you to know that I have read every words... and I understand what you are going through. Not much of a help, but I think you relax yourself and give them a big hug. It's not easy to be a mother... but the fact taht you a mother and trying to mold them the best way possible is enough.