elderly inlaws need to go to assisted living but refuse

United States
March 3, 2008 8:51am CST
My elderly inlaws, both in their 80's, are no longer able to handle their home and daily living needs. My father in law is in the hospital and my mother in law is not able to care for him once he gets discharged. The hospital is recommending an Extended Care Facility but my father in law is refusing to go to one. We need to intervene and are not sure how or where to start. What would you do? Talking to them does no good, they refuse to sell or move out of their home.
5 people like this
11 responses
• United States
3 Mar 08
I know exactly how you feel. My inlaws are the same age and my father-in-law just had a stroke. He has had heart surgery so many times I lost count. My mother-in-law is unable to take care of him. They live in California and we live in Florida. We keep trying to get them to move here and put a home on our property so that we can take care of them, but they have lived in their house for 50 years and refuse to leave. My husband is flying there on Saturday. I hope he can talk them into it this time.
• United States
3 Mar 08
I hope so too. My husband is taking the whole week of work to try and get something arranged or talk some sense into them. It is scary and frustrating. Thanks for your input; you seem to be able to relate. Others are saying to let them stay where they are and not impose our wishes on them; and is totally not about that. It is about safety and activities of daily living.
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Mar 08
I know exactly where you are comming from. I'm so glad that my inlaws couldn't renew their drivers license! I was so afraid that they were going to kill themselves or kill someone else last time I was there visiting.
@r1mp2ge (263)
• Ukraine
3 Mar 08
If it was my father or mother I would break all ties and help them without a second thought.Try putting yourself in his shoes.If you had a choice of going home to your wife/husband and an Extended care facility which one would you choose.It's the last days of his life he would prefer spending them with the ones he loves.
• United States
3 Mar 08
I agree. I wouldnt want anyone telling me how to live my life.
• United States
3 Mar 08
It is that they cannot function. She is not able to care for him and he needs 24 hour care. We live 2 hours away and aren't in a position where we can quit our jobs and move in with them to care for them. We have 2 children in elementary school. They refuse to stay with us and refuse to go to assisted living. I think it would be irresponsible knowing that they cannot handle their current situation on their own to turn a blind eye and leave them in a dangerous environment.
@dangnabit67 (2021)
• United States
3 Mar 08
Look into home health care. Like Oxford. As long as they have their mind they want their independence and have pride-you need to respect their wishes. I know its hard.
• United States
3 Mar 08
Home care could possibly be an option. However, they need more than someone to come in and visit for an hour or two a day. I am certain 24 hour/day care in their home would be ideal, however, I think cost may preclude this solution.
• United States
4 Mar 08
There are many elderly programs available with live ins. Visit the nursing home and tell them your situation and they can help give you some ideas. Medicare only pays blah blah so not sure if it would be covered.
@youdontsay (3503)
• United States
18 Mar 08
Contact local commission on aging or its equivalent in your area. They will have clear information of what is available. There may be in-home care available. If not they will know the legal actions that can be taken. It is hard for anyone to give up their home, their life as they know it. Many elderly people are determined to die at home. I can certainly understand their reluctance to go into a facility. They are pretty ghastly, even the "good" ones are depressing. I've seen many of them when my mother was aging and dealing with broken bones, etc. I'd rather die before needing to live in one myself. So I fully understand their resistance. And I understand your sense of powerlessness to help them. It was a truly difficult time while my mother was in and out of facilities, hospital, home-care, and finally hospice. So many of my friends these days are dealing with the same thing. It is such a difficult thing for the adult children to be responsible for their parents. You need to get as much support as possible for yourselves as well as for them.
@chrislotz (8200)
• Canada
18 Mar 08
I live in Canada and we have what is called Home Care, here, where there are people who come into the home to help with daily needs. For example, a home care worker comes in once a week to clean the house,or/and comes in every day to cook supper, does their grocery shopping, helps with baths. These kinds of services. When your father-in-law comes home and if he needs care, a nurse can come in and check him when needed. Or you can hire someone to come in and help. I used to do this for a living when I lived in Calgary, 2 years ago. I worked privately, not for home care, and I used to go into the home at noon and fix lunch and stayed till 6pm so I could also cook supper. I did all their banking and shopping and house and yard work. I also bathed the old lady, she was 95 and bed ridden, and I basically took care of them, almost like babysitting. Mind you this way can be very expensive, they paid me $400 a week for my services, but if you go through Home Care it may be a lot cheaper if they are on a small, limited income.
@susu22 (25)
• United States
4 Mar 08
boy do i have experience in this topic.the do ctor has to say he has to go to the nursing home.the doctor has the final say.if the doctor orders it then he will have to go.if he refuses to go then take the doctors order to the power of attorney and have the person put there anyway.the power of attorney has the power to act if the doctor states he is to go to the nursing home.susu22
@subha12 (18452)
• India
4 Mar 08
I think you are really thinking wise. they should get the assistance. May be i have seen older people do not want to get out of their homes. Is it not possible that without selling the house they have, you can take them to your house for some time? it will be best i guess.they will also feel secured.
@winterose (39897)
• Canada
3 Mar 08
you might want to get a social worker involved how will help you with resources and information, you may have to go to court and show that they are incompetent and force them, but talk with the social worker to see what all the options are, there may be the possibility of having a home care worker come to the house and help them with what ever they need as well.
@naty1941 (2336)
• United States
3 Mar 08
Can they afford to have some one come and help them? If they can't afford it then your best bet is to call some other family members and all meet with the inlaws to see if they will see reason.
@dfinster (3535)
• United States
3 Mar 08
Perhaps you could speak with the doctors and you in-laws about having an in home caregiver as an alternative. They could either stay with them 24-7 or come in once a day to help them with thier day to day activites that they need help with. I totally understand where you're coming from. I had to go through the same thing with my grandma like a year and a half ago. She just lived like 3 miles from me and I checked on her as often as I could, but she had a bad knee and it hindered her balance until the day she took a bad fall. After that my dad and uncle talked her into going to an assisted living facilty. She was really against it for a long time but when the time finally came for her to go to one after just a few weeks she seemed to adjust fine and now she seems like she kind of likes it because there are a lot of other people there to socialize with and activities like card clubs. Good luck, I hope things work out for your in-laws.~D
• India
3 Mar 08
Many of us are facing the same problem,in our country,where joint family set up is still prevailing.Not only in-laws, even parents too. They want to be aloof and to do the things as per their wish. They stick on to their stand and discard our requests. For example my mother aged 84 years wants to bath in the early morning even in a climate doesn't suit her health. One thing I learn from her activities a lesson that what I should not do at her age,if alive.