Life has reached such ennui

India
March 3, 2008 11:48pm CST
For the past several weeks, I feel that I am heading towards an abyss of depression. Since July 06, my hubby has been on and off jobs and for the past one and half years, he is working somewhere which is giving him the bread but no pleasure. Its been four months now that we have shifted out of my in-laws house into something (which I thought) would be my own domain, but it is giving me little pleasure. The workload has increased manifold (as expected) but I get little satisfaction in being the master of my own home. My son is having adjustment problems being detached from his paternal grandparents and with final exams going on, the situation is really really tough. Everyday I am getting up at 5 in the morning and going to bed at 12 midnight and in between I am juggling home, office, son’s education and to top it all a dissatisfied hubby and an increasingly irritable child. I am doing all I can but the situation is hardly improving or showing no signs of improvement. Being very short of cash, a vacation is also not possible. I sometimes feel as if the walls are closing in on me.
4 people like this
13 responses
@kwenge (2492)
• Kenya
4 Mar 08
Hey Sudipta, I really can tell what you are feeling right now. It is like you are physically carrying a heavy load on your shoulders. Sometimes I feel the same way too when fiancee comes home complaining about how his job is taxing him, he can't seem to find his dream job, bla bla bla........I even feel like telling him to quit his job!!!!! The best thing Sudpta is that you are now living on your own........where you are the master, try and squeeze some "ME" time in the tight schedule......leave the laundry intact, don't do the dishes just relax, let the workload pile up but make sometime alone for your mental, spiritual and physical healing. Save some coins/change and hire someone for a day to come and do all the housework while you are resting somewhere. All the best my friend.
2 people like this
• India
4 Mar 08
Hi kewnge, It feels so nice to be just able to talk to someone neutral, who would not advice me by being judgemental of my actions, but just trying to soothe me. Believe me, I have tried all of them but here in India the system is somewhat different. You don’t have weekly people coming in to clean but maids come on a daily basis and is paid a monthly salary. I have not hired somebody like this coz these people are very unorganized and unreliable and since this area is new to me, I am skeptical. So I am having to do all the household chores myself which is OK with me, I mean I shifted knowing that I would have to slog my butt off…but somehow something is pricking me, you know just like a thorn deep inside your throat…neither does it dissolve, not can you swallow it. I am not uncomfortable, just a nagging dull ache deep inside my chest. Anyway, ‘talking’ to you was such a relief. Thnx a ton.
1 person likes this
@anonymili (3138)
4 Mar 08
good luck - A good luck 4 leaf clover and a wish that things improve for you soon
Oh my dear sweet pa Sudipta, I am so sorry to hear that things are so bad for you that you are feeling so depressed with your lot. Of course it must be hard adjusting to the new situation, your son is missing the close knit family circle and struggling with exams and you are feeling the strain of working and running the home too. Does your husband help out around the house? I hope so, no matter how difficult he finds his job, he should be sharing an equal burden around the home as you're both working and you both need to work to keep your home running. I'm telling you stuff that you know already hun but would also like to say that please try to appreciate what you do have and not think of what you currently don't have. One of my friends lost her husband a few months ago and she is left with a small child of less than a year and she keep reminding me to think of all the positives, you have your health, you have a husband who is able to work and who can come home to you, you have your lovely son who is just going through a few problems but hopefully it should all work out soon. You have a family unit there and you can hold each other and love each other and you have all your faculties that you can physically go out and earn money to keep yourselves going. You have an education which enables you to work in a decent job, even if it's not the best job in the world, it is keeping you going isn't it? Don't worry about a vacation now, think about when you can actually afford one, how much you will really appreciate it then:) The walls are not closing in on you hun, you are just facing life. It has its ups and downs and soon hopefully there will be more ups than downs. Sending you hugs and good luck and sincere wishes that things get much better very soon hun. xx
1 person likes this
• India
5 Mar 08
‘you are just facing life…’your words brought tears to my eyes. I really really feel like being able to hug you just now and to just cry on your shoulders. I am feeling so miserable these days and everybody around me is the same old face with the same old problems with the same old advices. I need some stranger who wont be judgemental and will just be comforting, I need someone’s hand on my head and I wish I could be near you. No words are enough to convey my feelings to you and to say that you have hit the nail on the head and your words have helped me to re-evaluate myself and my situation. Tomorrow is my son’s final arith exam and after that I have promised him no studies for some days, I have requested my hubby to come early in the evening and plan to have some indoor games with snacks and chatting, just the three of us without a thought for tomorrow. I truly appreciate your concerns for me and feel blessed for the same.
1 person likes this
@anonymili (3138)
5 Mar 08
Well hun I hope your son's final exam goes off without a hitch and that you do all manage to sit down and spend some time together as a family in the evening. Even though you can't afford a holiday, how about trying a nice day out in a park somewhere, pack a picnic lunch and the three of you go off for a fun day of adventure together and make a deal with your husband that you and he will act the same age as your son for the day and just be young at heart and carefree even if for half a day. Your son will find it amusing that his parents can act so lighthearted and it will be fun for you and your hubby too :)
• India
10 Mar 08
Hi mili, Don’t know about the exams, he says its gone well. One of my principles (which I have been able to stick to) is never to make a post mortem of exam papers, so I will have to await the results. School closes for session break on the 21st and then we will go out somewhere. Just roam around since morning, catch a movie, see some sights, have all the meals outside and return late. I have thought this out as per your suggestion and thnx for the same.
@williamjisir (22900)
• China
4 Mar 08
Hello dear sudiptachallingu. I am so sorry for the current situation that you are faced with. But you know, life is not so easy to many people. Life itself is tough and hard for us if we want to strive for a good and quality life. It is no easy job. I believe the saying that there is a skeleton in every family closet. Please cheer up. I am sure that you will find a way out so long as you are persistent in every effort of your life. Good luck, dear friend.
• India
5 Mar 08
Hi Williamjisir, There are many similarities between Indian and Chinese cultures and you must be knowing that it is mainly the woman’s responsibility to look after the house. It is just that I am doing so much work throughout the day and then sometime when I think that this will be my life in the coming years, I feel so tired. Actually I am very confused right now. I need to give more time to myself and hopefully with friends like you at mylot, I can share and talk and feel better.
1 person likes this
• China
5 Mar 08
Hello again, my dear friend. Yeah, I agree that there are many similarities in our two countries in many ways. Let's take marriage for example. When a couple are married, it seems to be always the husband who is to take the responsibility to support his family and the wife to take care of the family at home. Therefore there are also many wife-at-home ladies taking care of the family and her kids and household chores etc. So it is the same with my family. So that is why I say that I can understand how tired you feel to this kind of life. Anyway, spend more time at mylot for interactions with us, your friends, in the discussions. Thanks and take care.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
4 Mar 08
I know you are venting and don't know if you are like me. I've been through difficult stages of my life (especially living alone with family and not even knowing how to cook!) but after a while I get used to it....once I put my mind to it, it's easy for me to get into the routine. It's made me strong and proud to know that I can cope too. It probably feels harder for you because you just shifted and you are going through a difficult phase (financially too). It takes time to get used to a new place. Right now, I am here with a 15 month old and a 7 year old with a fractured leg....and my husband's working weekends too...and I had a granite slab fall on my foot a few days back..and no maid! I was ready to give up and call my mom (who stays in a different continent!) but one day I just started the work...and got myself organized...and talked to my older son about how I needed all the help I could get and that I couldn't be running to him for every little thing...and now things are beginning to look up. Is there someone who can come and stay with you for a week or two till you organize things and everything falls in place? I have a neighbour whose mother comes and stays at her place when the kids have exams...so that my friend can concentrate on the studies while the mother takes care of the household help.
1 person likes this
• India
5 Mar 08
Hi Sandhya, I know that maybe these are teething troubles but you know sometimes I feel so lonely even with so much work to do around me. And somehow I have not begun to think of this place where I am staying as my ‘home’. Home to me (at the back of my mind) is still my own bedroom in my in-laws house where I have passed 10½ yrs with all my good and bad days. That room seems to have a connection with my soul and no matter how I am trying to convince myself, I am sulking like a child. Now my son is 8 and he has been practically brought up by my mother-in-law. Maybe he loves her more than he loves me and he is missing her sooooo badly that no amount of talking with him is helping. Anyway, we have promised to send him there for the holi weekend so he is now a bit OK. Tomorrow is his final maths exam and I am having nightmares. I know this will pass, I know I can always connect to you and I know I will start liking this place…I just have to give myself more time. Anyway, being very selfish, talking only of me when I could not even think of coping in your situation. You seem like a superwoman and an ideal example to your 7yr old. No wonder he understands! I am glad I read your response. Sudipta
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
5 Mar 08
lol...don't think of me as a superwoman because I'm not (how I wish I was!) But I have to admit I learnt things the hard way....like being thrown into water when I couldn't swim and I learnt to manage...that's all. We also have our arguments (and fierce ones at that) about what I've done and what I've not done in the day. Since I start working next month, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle things...I'm just hoping it will work itself out. I feel what has happened is that you have too much on your hands (with house work and office and all the associated problems) that you do not have time to enjoy even 5 minutes of your day (even with the family) and that is getting at you. I'm not surprised that you are feeling the way you do. About your son, since you are in the same city as your in-laws and since you know that he is attached to them, why don't you plan out that he can go visit them every weekend or every other weekend (provided he finishes all his school work by Friday)...except during exam time. It seems like the transition to the new place was sudden for him...after living with your in-laws for 8 years (which is all his life), he suddenly feels lonely without them. It will also give you some respite over the weekends to do what needs to be done at home at your own pace (it gets difficult when children are home and the main concern is to cook and feed them on time). If it's any consolation, my 7 year old understands because I have been talking to him this way since he was a baby..and he's alwas seemed so grown-up. Also, presently, I'm sulking too because I have no help from anyone....and the worlk load in this 3 bedroom apartment is too much....to add to that I am very picky and need everything to be done a particular way and am not content with just getting by with the cleaning.
2 people like this
@secretbear (19463)
• Philippines
8 Mar 08
hi sudipta. i am so sorry to hear that. maybe the old trick of being cheerful and optimistic would help your situation? anyhow, don't let things make you surrender on life. don't lose hope. i'm sure everything will be alright for your family. stay positive. you should encourage your husband more, look on the brighter side of his job. and you should understand your son and treat him with a lot of patience. maybe both of you can do something that will make you earn money. like a garage sale or something? anyway, i hope everything will work out fine for you. i hope things will get better for you and your family. have faith. ^__^
• India
10 Mar 08
Hi bear, Thnx for your response but the problem here is you know, its everytime that I have to do something for somebody. There is nobody whom I can turn to with my problems, nobody who can say that OK sit back and relax and I will take care of things. But all is not lost, I have friends like you with whom I can have a neutral discussion, on whose shoulders I can unburden myself. Yes, I am going on, much with encouragement from all of you here.
1 person likes this
@secretbear (19463)
• Philippines
12 Mar 08
don't you have some friends there who lives near you? or sister or a brother or cousins? maybe you just need to go out once in a while and interact with other people. not just here at myLot. it is much better to have personal interactions.
@gandatwo (602)
• Australia
6 Mar 08
Hang in there,"Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining" Always remember this lining. Natural Anti-Depressant www.amoryn.com (when things become too overbearing).Came across the site about an hour ago whilst doing some research on phobias.Must add I have not heard of it before so can not make a personal recommendation. cheers
• India
10 Mar 08
Thnx so much for caring about me. Yes, I know the lining is always there and so are friends like you to remind me of it everytime I forget. Will chk out the site surely.
• China
5 Mar 08
hum..it seems the situtation depress and very hard to you..as a monther to take in charge the whole family's living is not easy but hard...just want to say keep trying but remember have a rest at sometimes because life needs relax...
• India
5 Mar 08
yes, I know and I hope to have some time for myself after my son’s ongoing annual exams are over. Thnx for the response.
• China
5 Mar 08
Hi,sudiptacallingu:when i know your depression,i feel much sad.As a student,i believe that i live in a high stress place and high stress age,so always i feel worried about myself,anxiety and depression seem like my "friend",driving me crazy.now,you are a wife and a mother,you have lots of things to care about,maybe you take on too much, learn to relax yourself,try to communicate with your hubby and son,turn to your close friends for their help......everything will be fine,this is a temporary period, as the time go away,you will feel better.
• India
10 Mar 08
Hi, If you are a student, enjoy life till it lasts. Man…if I ever knew marriage could be so much responsibility, I would have gladly led the dirty life lol! But seriously, yes, going thru lot of unfamiliar pressure and responsibility but with friends like you at mylot, I am sure that I will have a solution to all my problems. At least I will have people whom I can ‘talk’ to. Thnx a lot for your words.
@mbs730 (2151)
• Canada
5 Mar 08
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have had to deal with similar issues too. I fell into a huge depression also in 2006, when not only some friends who I thought were friends stabbed me in the back more than I can describe but it also happened at the same time it was discovered that my son (or I had to face up to) had autism or a developmental disorder. Thankfully with therapy he is doing well now. But it was a horrible time and it went on and on for a long time, the depression. I gained all of my lost weight back too and then some and still hate myself for that. I could NOT go on any vacation last year either, not just because of money but because my son wasn't ready for it. And I could not get much sleep either. I have sleeping problems as it is. That made it worse. So I can in some ways relate.
• India
10 Mar 08
Thnx so much for relating to me. Reading about people like you in similar conditions, strengthens my resolve to face life and live up to the challenges. At least we don’t have any physical problem in the family, otherwise don’t know what I would have done. You are really strong to have gone thru the phase and emerged from it unscathed, so as to say. Thnx again for your encouragement.
5 Mar 08
Indeed it is tough. So what are you going to do? Maybe, just maybe can you spend some time and list for me the bright side - things for which you are thankful? Also another list of things you will do to improve your situation.
• India
5 Mar 08
yes I know…when I come to mylot which is like my window to the world, I come to know of so many problems of so many of my friends here and then I am thankful for everything that is OK with me. I am trying to adjust to this new life and thank you so much for your support and understanding.
@di1159 (1580)
• United States
4 Mar 08
Hi, I think that we've all felt like you at one time or another. I've learned that housework, no matter how much you do always seems to pile up, so I do what I can and on an as needed basis. In addition, I've taken the extra time to exercise, even if its just for a walk around the neighborhood, but getting outdoors with my I-pod just helps me clear my mind and get ready for the next day. Have patience, faith, take a deep breath and a bubble bath. Remember, God will not give you more than you can handle and that everything no matter how bad it seems, will pass. Do something yourself and your family. I sometimes prepare a picnic basket and we have "dinner" in the backyard by candlelight. A surprise break from the routine will put everyone in a better mood. Good luck to you!
• India
5 Mar 08
God …yes! Sometimes when I become too weary and frustrated I like to lift my spirits by thinking that this is God’s way of testing my resolve, and I do intend to keep my belief in him strong as ever. Candlelight dinner ummmmmm don’t think possible with an 8yr old brat monkeying around all the time but the idea is beginning to take shape of something else. Maybe when the exams are over, we will go for an entire day’s outing.
• Singapore
4 Mar 08
Go take a break. Have a vacation or something. Or create some "Me time" for yourself everyday. Make sure the time is 100% yours. Let no one disturb you and just meditate or relax.
• India
5 Mar 08
Well this is just not happening. With both hubby and child totally dependent on me, I just cant shut myself up and meditate. Something or the other is always at the back of my mind and it seems I am becoming mentally tired. But I know I will have to keep at it. Vacation is not possible right now coz we had to incur a lot of expenditure towards the renovation of this house and then there was the marriage of my brother-in-law (so more expenditure). Thnks so much for your encouragement.
@subha12 (18452)
• India
27 Mar 08
i understand the situation. in life all go hrough some down patches. May be it ease out with time. its the best healer. your son's exam will not be forever. so it can be some thing light after few days. If holiday is not possible, just take an evening out in seeing a movie, dinner etc.