deadbeat dad
@travibabiesgirl (1690)
United States
March 11, 2008 12:11pm CST
I was just wondering if any one has any advice for dealing with a deadbeat dad not just not paying child support but emotionally as well. Financially I have went through the court system and every time they find his work place to take out child support he goes on a pity party, quits his job and he won't come get the boys. He won't call them to let them know he is not coming and I have to watch their eyes fill up with tears as the time for him to come goes by. We try to call him and he won't answer the phone. He will stay gone for four to six weeks not seeing the boys or talking to them on the phone. Then when he does decide to show up he acts like it is a burden to come get them. He doesn't come get them for his two weeks in the summer, he don't even call them to wish them happy birthday or call to see how they are doing when they are sick. My oldest son is really devastated when this stuff happens. He asks me why his dad don't come and why he don't call and I don't have any answers. I have tried talking to my ex husband about how he hurts the boys when he don't call or show up and it will get better for a little while but soon it goes back to the same way. He will tell me he can't afford to come get the boys but I will find out that he was at the bar, or that he just bout a big screen plasma tv, or he went to some sporting event. I hate that this man that is supposed to love his kids are destroying them mentally is there any thing I can do or say to the boys to help them feel better about themselves? What can I tell them when their dad don't show up?
3 people like this
6 responses
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
12 Mar 08
I have a deadbeat dad and my two boys do as well. My mother used to always just sit and hold me when i was upset about him standing me up or calling to cancel. he didn't pay childsupport, but 20 dollars my whole entire life, but my mother didn't care about that as much as how much it hurt me that he didn't seem to care or even take notice as to what it was doing for me. be there to comfort them, don't talk bad about him...they will figure out on their own the older they get that he's just a piece of crap. i do the same for my boys now. their dad doesn't call or come by or anything and the only reason why he gets them every other weekend is because his mother comes and picks them up and takes them there and stays to make sure he takes time with them, which usually he finds a reason to leave. you just have to be very supportive and very sympathetic when it comes to your children. they will figure it out one day and won't want to see him anymore. i am that way now and will be the rest of my life. i have no desire to see him, hear from him or anything anymore. good luck and keep us posted. God bless
1 person likes this
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
13 Mar 08
yeah my mother is pretty amazing. she took my father to court twice, but then told him that if he would just be a dad and come and get me then he wouldn't have to pay childsupport, but he couldn't even do that. my mother sat with me so many times and just let me cry and while i knew she hated him she never said one unkind word about that man. she's wonderful
@travibabiesgirl (1690)
• United States
12 Mar 08
Your mother sounds amazing. I try to be that way. I try not to bad mouth his dad and I make sure to talk to him when his dad does him that way. I do not care to much about the child support but here the state stays after them. I know my ex thinks I called and told them where he was working last time but I didn't. This time he refuses to tell me where he works. But I guess he will believe me when they find him this time. The only time him not paying child support bothers me is when he tells me how broke he is and tells the boys he can't afford to take them any where or buy them anything but then goes to the bar. This past christmas he told the boys and I how broke he was and that he could not buy them christmas presents yet the boys came home from his house telling me all about the brand new plasma big screne T.V. he just got that weekend, picked it up that Sat. I t hurts to know that he thinks more of hiself than he does of his kids.
You are right I do have to be supportive and sympathic . I am slso sure you are right that eventually they will turn away from thier dad. Thank you so much for the help. I am so sorry that you have been the one to hurt this way and I am sorry to hear that your kids are too. Good luck to you as well. Thank you again.
@Dest274 (100)
• United States
11 Mar 08
There are men out here like that and its bad you just need to be tough and try your best to make your children life the best it could be with out there father because theres nothing you can do about your baby daddy but be him for your kids jsut do the best you can dont feel bad do it for them and your self
1 person likes this
@travibabiesgirl (1690)
• United States
12 Mar 08
Thank you so much. I will be the best parent I can be.
@lovespecialangel (3632)
• United States
12 Mar 08
It's terrible your children are going through this. But I do know what it's like having a deadbeat dad in a child's life. The only thing you can do is be there for them. Hold them and comfort them through this and let them know you are there for them and that you love them very much. Another thing is to always be honest with them. Don't make excuses for their dad, he doesn't deserve that. One day the dad will want to be in their life and they won't have time for him. Then he will know the pain. Either way, when a dad is like that, he's not really a dad. It's like the old saying goes; any boy can be a father, but it takes a man to be a dad. Let your kids know this is not their fault, but his and always be there for them. I wish you the best!
@travibabiesgirl (1690)
• United States
13 Mar 08
Thank you so much. I try not to make excusses for him but it is hard not to. When I see them crying with their little hearts broken I just want to make it all better. The saying is right, just sad that the boy in this case is over 40 years old. Thank you so much for the advice.
@eden32 (3973)
• United States
11 Mar 08
My father wasn't quite this bad when I was a kid, but he wouldn't have won any father of the year awards either. Sometimes he remembered me at holidays, sometimes he didn't. Sometimes he paid child support, more often he didn't. I don't know that there's much you can do for your sons, except remind them you love them and that none of this is your fault. As an adult I wrote my father a very long letter, telling him just how his half-hearted attempts to be in my life crushed and hurt me. And I was saddened by his response, that for him it was just easier to not see me than to be hurt by getting as close to me as he is with his other children when I wasn't in his day to day life. I respect what he said, but it still seems a bit of a cop-out to me. As much as we want to as parents, we just can't protect our children's hearts. This is their father, he is a disappointment and it is going to hurt them to deal with it, but they have no choice.
1 person likes this
@travibabiesgirl (1690)
• United States
11 Mar 08
Thank you for sharing with me. I am sorry that you also have had to deal with a not so great father. Your words have helped me though a great deal and I do appriciate your help.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
12 Mar 08
great post. I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. I'm dealing with a similar problem and hoping that someone will answer some magic solution here. My girls dad acts all sad that she never comes to see him and yet I have given up child support in exchange for him to be responsible for her on the nites that I work. That means he should be here and knowing where she is at and what she is doing and being a part of her life. he hardly ever sees her. I'd say about one day per month and that is if she goes over there and if he happens to be there then. it is pathetic.
@travibabiesgirl (1690)
• United States
12 Mar 08
I am so sorry to hear that you are also going through this same thing. I don't understand how a parent can walk away from their child and not miss them or want to see them. It would sure be nice if they woke up one day and realized just how bad they were hurting their kids. But I guess that will never happen. best of luck to you on this road we are traveling.
@Samanthavv (1380)
• United States
12 Mar 08
Honestly, I wouldn't push him to visit, or see the kids at all, because as horrible as it is for the kids to not be able to see their dad, it'd be even worse for them to see a dad who dosen't want to see them but is being forced or pressured into it. You need to protect your kids, but don't trash talk their father to them, otherwise it will just create more insecurities and worries for them. Tell them that "Daddy is having some problems right now, but everybody has problems at one point or another. I know you love daddy, but he's going through a hard time and isn't feeling like himself. The best thing you can do is try not to get too discouraged or upset when Daddy says he'll do something but dosen't. I'm sure he dosen't mean to hurt your feelings, he's just going through a lot right now."
@travibabiesgirl (1690)
• United States
12 Mar 08
Thank you. I think the way you worded the explanation was perfect. I am always at a loss as to what to say. That is exactly what I needed. I always tell him that his dad loves him but I didn't know why he wasn't there or why he didn't call. I think my son gets tired of hearing that. It sounds lame even to me so I know it has to sound lame to him. Thank you so very much.
I try not to push him into coming I call once if he don't answer I don't try again. My husband feels so bad for my oldest son that he calls a couple of times and then a few weeks later he tries again. He says it is just because he don't want the boys waiting and hoping and that if the dad isn't coming they will know in advance. He loves my kids and hates to see them hurt.
Thank you so much for all your help
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