Why Can't You Just Let It Go?

United States
March 11, 2008 3:38pm CST
Are you the type of person who holds onto everything? If you have a disagreement with someone and made up with them do you still harbor anger over the situation? What are some things that you just can't let go? I recently had a bit of a falling out with a friend and after some outside intervention we got past it, or so I thought. Then out of nowhere she tells me she is still miffed because she felt I didn't accurately explain both sides of the story when I asked for some assistance in how I should handle the situation. I retorted that I was still miffed I had to go to such great lengths to resolve the issue in the first place. And that I thought this matter was behind us but obviously she wasn't satisfied. That is the last I have heard from her for like 2 days now. I'm not going to go into further detail. I'm just asking, are you one of these people who just can't let something go even after it is over and done with?
5 people like this
20 responses
@rockvixen (894)
• United States
11 Mar 08
If I said no, then I'd by lying. But yes sometimes there are things that I can't let go of. I don't really know why, I guess because it was such an upsetting situation that I never truly got over it or forgot about it. My husband and I are still miffed over something that happend back in 2003, but this something was actually a very very bad thing, and unfortunatly we will never get over it, because the people who did this never apologized and ruin a big part of our life.
3 people like this
• United States
11 Mar 08
No. Actually, I am a very forgiving person. This has often caused me much pain and trouble. However, I am happy that I am able to forgive and put it behind me. I believe that people who are unable to do so are harming themselves. All the bitterness that they hold inside is like a cancer eating them up from the inside out, in my opinion.
2 people like this
• United States
12 Mar 08
I have heard that before. I don't know though, I think there is a lot that a person can learn from the pain and emotional upset people in their life have caused them. If we constantly forgive and forget we are setting ourselves up to be taken advantage of the same way over and over again. Forgiveness has its place I'll admit that but forgetting could be just as detrimental to the soul as harboring the bitterness.
@venshida (4837)
• United States
11 Mar 08
This was me several years ago. I had a disagreement with a classmate, about 20 years ago. I saw her about 4 years going through a rough time, and I felt so bad that I just went over to her and start up a conversation. I promise myself then, I will make a change. Life is to short to hold grudges that's now my motto. Minimize the negative, and accentuate the positive.
• United States
12 Mar 08
sounds nice. But I have a hard time showing kindness to someone who has previously spit in my face. If I say I am over something then I am over it. But if someone chooses to bring it up again then I make the choice to continue the argument or walk. I don't think I would ever be the shoulder to cry on for anyone who had ever done something really bad to me.
@peedielyn (1210)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I will say that I am a grudge holder. I am still mad at my step-mom for treating me different and making me an outcast over issues that are out of my control EXAMPLE- her kids are all over weight and under 6ft tall. The oldest weighs in at 566 right now, and the step mom constantly tells me that my 120lb frame looks bad on our family. I will never meet anyone, and I will never be happy. She has degraded my kids because all but one are skinny, and she has done the same thing to my other two biological siblings. They are too skinny. Genetics is the reason "we won't amount to anything or find someone to love us", not ignorance. I hate her everyday for this, and my dad is "blinded by love". My friends are totally different. I can talk to them about what I am mad about and I let it go. Funny the different situations have different outcomes. Yes, I still hate her, even after i got that off my chest!! Good Subject though.
2 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22919)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I think it really depends on what the "something" is really...I'm usually pretty good at getting past things BUT that doesnt mean I dont file it away (what happened) in my brain for later reference should I need it (and that has unfortunately happened)....but I dont hold a grudge..I mean if its something large enough for me to need to hold a grudge then I feel its time to completely re-evaluate the friendship overall ya know... I have to say though that I know a few ppl who WERE in my life who've done crap like that to me adn I just ended the friendships eventually..I'm a straight up person..if you have an issue with me SAY SO...DO NOT give me the impression that everything is squared up when it really isnt..I have no time for that sort of thing ya know..I'm not in grade school anymore for crying out loud!
2 people like this
• United States
12 Mar 08
I am like you in the respect that I can get past it but EVERY wrong that has ever been done to me is filed away in my head or heart somewhere and I draw from it when I need to. People tell me that isn't healthy. I call it insurance that I won't make the same mistake twice.
@p1kef1sh (45696)
11 Mar 08
No at all. Life is too short to fall out. I cannot remember the last time I actually fell out with someone that I wasn't married to. My view is to kiss and make up ASAP. Real friends will, the others, you don't need.
2 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22919)
• United States
11 Mar 08
"Real friends will, the others, you don't need" Absolutely!! Ppl who play those childish games are really pointless to have in your life..They always end up being too time consuming and draining and I personally dont need that..
1 person likes this
@lionceak (65)
• Moldova
11 Mar 08
yes i am basically that type of person . i just can't let go and cant forget stuff . i ussually remember most of the things done or said to me and i really cant get over something if it really angered me . some things that could get me this way is being disrespectful to me , lying to me , if it's friends that have lied to me it's ten times harder to let go. that's something i cant stand . i hope you'll start talking again with your friend, but if she is the kind of person like i am and if you really done something bad to her dont expect that to be soon ..good luck though
2 people like this
• United States
12 Mar 08
I think the blame is equally spread across the board on this one. I admit I left out details. She knows what she did was wrong too. There really wasn't a way for me to go back and add anything more to it after she rectified her end of our disagreement.
@Gesusdid (1681)
• United States
11 Mar 08
depends of what me and friend are talking about if it was something small say like a bill for lunch and i had to pay when my friend that he'll pay ill let that slide no problem but if its like something towards the serious say as my GF was cheating with my friend than no ill never let that go , sure the both of em will be outta my life but no i wouldnt let it go cause it will still be in my mind
2 people like this
@Sissygrl (10914)
• Canada
11 Mar 08
I guess it depends on what it is and who its with, if its someone i've been friends with a long time then i wont let something crappy and little come between us.. I am pretty lax about most things.. If its hubby, i tend to stay mad for a while.. but he lets go quick, so then i think well if he dont care why should i, and then we're over it. lol. If it's someone i barely know, or could care less about if we stay friends, i just let them go on being mad at me. who cares :P
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Mar 08
This wasn't something little but I feel I am the one who is the position here to still be angry about it. But I came to the realization last night when I was allowed to sleep for 14 hours that it isn't that important to me whether or not she is still miffed. I'm over it and when she decides she is she'll be back.
@wisedragon (2328)
• Philippines
11 Mar 08
I'm afraid I'm guilty of this. Sometimes I still harbor a grudge even after making up, though to a lesser degree. The reason probably is because it wasn't satisfactorily explained or I didn't really hear what I wanted to hear. But I try to avoid bringing up the topic unless the other person provokes it.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Mar 08
This is pretty much how I would sum up me. It's gone but never completely forgotten. And if you want to keep bringing it up then be prepared for all the wrath to be there like it was in the beginning.
@Samanthavv (1383)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I used to have a really big probably with holding onto grudges and not letting them go. I was really bad about it, and I made a lot of my relationships with a lot of people, friends and family included, worse than they needed to be. Then I grew up a little, matured a little, and realized, that just like I have changed, other people change too. I would want someone I had wronged to give me another chance, so I need to give the people who have wronged me another chance. It's only right, and it's only fair. You have to give what you want to get. I'm not saying to let people manipulate and use you. You should definitely use discretion, but also be compassionate and sympathetic. If they seem genuine, then don't be afraid to give them another shot, or to make the first step and apologize for your wrong doing, no matter if theirs was worse than yours or not.
• United States
12 Mar 08
I'll take your comment for what it's worth. I don't call it being immature not to let things go though. I think it takes a lot more maturity to see when you are being used and to not back down from your position of not letting go. I have learned through my 29 years of being on this planet that there are just some people who don't deserve second chances. Many of them don't deserve the first chance they got. I give anyone one 2nd chance, that is all anyone gets out of me. I look at it this way. The saying is "turn the other cheek" I give someone 2 chances. If I walk away from the second chance with another black eye then I cut my losses and never look back.
@SViswan (12065)
• India
12 Mar 08
Not unless it hasn't been cleared up. If we've talked it out and all points have been cleared...or an apology rendered where it is necessary, I usually forget about the issue. It is awkward the first few days after many days of being miffed at each other...but we soon get used to it and go back to our old jolly selves. I've had such incidents a couple of times and it's all good now....even one where I swore I will never speak or look at those people ever again. But I also have to say that it doesn't work if only ONE person decides to let it go and forget about the whole thing. It works both ways.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30213)
• Philippines
12 Mar 08
i really hate to explain myself so much to a friend, most especially if we are chatting about the usual stuffs and he would be too nosey and ask me stuffs i dont like to talk about. i hate being so open to people and i feel i can never be like that to anyone. and i agree that there are these people who just can't get over simple things... and sometimes it gets really anoying. :(
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Mar 08
I would be a hypocrite if I will say NO. There are some issues in my life that really hurt me most or wounded me deeply. If one ask for forgiveness, who am i not to. But some issues were left unresolved or just by chance our path have cross no more. Sometimes the hurt still there, yet as much as possible i dont want to hold grudge over someone. I normally pray that if sometime in the future we meet, I will have the will to do the first move. It would be best to have closure over a dispute.
@skinnychick (6906)
• United States
12 Mar 08
No I'm not..the first thing I do is let it go once I fought my fight. But my ex has a diffferent perspective. Just this morning I got a 6 page rant on what a horrible human being I am for going to school while I have kids because I don't have a lot of time for them. What??? I make time for them and he has no idea what I do- I stay up until 4am sometimes doing homework and then get up at 8 with my kids. Crap like that..he hates me and so be it but he can't let it go and hate me without letters and phone calls that I don't even answer anymore. Next step I will have to change the email addy I have had for 7 years! I wish some people could just let it go and be happy without me. After all, I'm way happier without them!
@gemini_rose (16268)
12 Mar 08
It just depends what it is, I have 2 disagreements that I cant let go of. Well actually they are a little more than disagreements. The first was that a good friend of mine knew that my husband was having an affair, she worked with the girl in question and also knew that I was friends with the girl involved and never told me. All the things I did for her, I stuck up for her constantly and would have done anything for her. We hadnt seen each other a lot for the last few years but still I always told her I was there if she needed me. Her excuse for not telling me was that it was none of her business, even though she saw this girl everday and must have known every gory detail, but she never said one word. Even though she would see me up town and listen to me saying what a nice girl this other thing was. So yes I wont let go of that. The other is the girl who was having a fling with my husband. She went out of her way to be my friend, having coffee with me, nights out, going out with our kids, when knowing all the time what she was doing,making me trust her and letting me think I had a good friend. I see her nearly every day and walk past her house nearly every day and I will never let go of that either and this was all over and done with a year ago. But I guess some things you just cant let go of.
@subha12 (18449)
• India
12 Mar 08
i think this depends on how strong mentally you are. Also it depends how far the situation has affected your life. there are in many cases where i am able to forget the difference say after few days. But there is some case where it has left a long scar.. May be i will not able to forget that whole life. it also depends how much emotional I am.
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
12 Mar 08
I like to get things sorted out then and there and after we have made up then let it go. I had a falling out with a friend, well not that close of a friend (my husbands best friends fiance) and even though it was over something stupid, she took it to heart, I apologised, she accepted but told me it will take time for her to get over it. I accepted that and let it go. We have been in contact since but our friendship is not the same, but that is ok, I am fine with it even if she still holds a grudge. It's her problem not mine. Time to move on.
@moneyandgc (3429)
• United States
12 Mar 08
It all depends on the severity and how bad my trust has been damaged. I tend to hold on to things longer with the people that I am closest to. My husband and I are going to counseling so we stop hiding the stuff from the past under the rug and deal with it so we can move on. I hold onto pain from the past far longer than he does, but he inflicts it more! It's nothing as bad as cheating or anything but we do have trust issues that we are working on. So far so good. I REALLY want to let stuff go, I just need to learn how!
@dawnald (84206)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Mar 08
Well the thing is, if she can't let it go, it isn't over and done with in her mind. Could be because she's one of these people who has to chew things over for a while or could be because she didn't really communicate well with you about how she felt or what she thought the real problem was. Or that something occurred to her later that bothered her? Who knows? Only she does...