Testing my Patience
By Chey1970
@Chey1970 (1186)
United States
March 15, 2008 2:15pm CST
In previous discussion I have stated that my son, his wife and their daughter live with me. They moved in with us in the middle of January, and was suppose to move out March 1st. Supposedly that is when they were getting their new apartment. Well here it is March 15th and they are still here.
Now I love them very much, but here lately I haven't been feeling good. Due to lack of sleep from me tending to my granddaughter 85% of the time, and then I had a cold/flu I couldn't shake, now I have an absessed tooth which is causing me ear problems.
With all the said, last night I wasn't up to cooking, and my husabnd completely understood. Well my son decided he was going to cook (cause his wife doesn't know how - supposedly. But works in a restuarant as a cook.) He cooked a meal for himself, his wife and his younger brother. Which I thought was very thoughtful of him. However I get up this mornin' and all the stuff used last night is sitting there in my kitchen dirty. So I mentioned to them, ya'll need to clean the kitchen. And his wife turns to him saying yeah you need to clean the kitchen. Of course he rebutted by saying I did all the cooking you can clean it. Her reply was, "I don't feel like." Got dressed and left.
Now should I bite the bullet and clean the kitchen? Being pissed the whole time I do it. Or leave it for her to clean when she gets back? (which will bug me, for I hate a dirty kitchen) Or am I just being petty?
4 people like this
28 responses
@ayumitakashi (4462)
• United States
15 Mar 08
I don't think you are being petty at all. In my opion they are ungrateful because the least they could do is clean it up considering that you were sick. If I were in your position I would talk to them, especially to your son. You tell him to clean because even though he is grown up he is still your son and needs to respect you and your house. Plus he needs to grow up and stop acting like that, the smartest thing for him to do would be to clean the kitchen to avoid an argument. I have nothing to say about the wife because I don't know her.
2 people like this
@ayumitakashi (4462)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Well they sure don't have any courtesy whatsoever.
1 person likes this
@ayumitakashi (4462)
• United States
17 Mar 08
In my opinion if you don't tell them something they will keep taking advantage of you. I wuold talk to both of them and tell them that there are a few rules in your "house", not their house but "your house".
1 person likes this
@Ldyjarhead (10233)
• United States
15 Mar 08
Wow. You've got a lot more patience than I do.
She's not working, right?
I'd be telling them that the kitchen needs to be cleaned now, and that you don't are how they work it out between them, but you expect it to be done.
I'm sorry, I don't know the whole situation obviously, but it sure does sound like they're taking advantage of you.
2 people like this
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Funny thing is I used to not have any patience what so ever. My husband helped me with that, and now I am just laid back for the most part. However this incident just rubbed me wrong completely.
Yes, she does/did work. Seems she quit her job Friday. Or so my youngest son today me Saturday.
Everyone who knows us, thinks they are taking advantage of us, but there is one reason in why we let it continue. And that is the "grandbaby".
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Yes, that is exactly what my husband says too. He is frustrated in how they take advantage more of me than him, but doesn't say much cause he is not a confrontational man. He knows family means a lot to me, so we tend to concentrate more on the baby then them (that sounds mean, and it's really not meant to be.)
@Ldyjarhead (10233)
• United States
17 Mar 08
I know it's hard because of the baby, but I'd bet that they know you're not going to push anything for that very reason, so they have no fear.
I hate to say this, but if you don't say/do something to insist they help out, you are enabling them to continue to act the way they do.
Tough call, sweetie ...
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
15 Mar 08
Have you ever thought of cleaning the kitchen and setting their suitcases by the back door with a note on it that says it was nice to have you here but it's time you go? I had a daughter that moved back home and it also tested my patience. I finally asked her to leave...for some reason she decided that when she moved back she was going to be in charge? NOT! If you let them keep on taking advantage of you they will ....and knowing you love them and the grandbaby I understand how hard it is to remind them that it's time to be on their own again....but in the end it works out best for everyone! Good Luck!
2 people like this
@asgtswife04 (2475)
• United States
16 Mar 08
Don't clean up their mess for them. They need to take the responsibility and clean up after themselves and if you do it you are enabling them to just leave things the way they are because they know that mom will clean it eventually. i think you need to sit down with your son and daughter n law and lay down some laws if they are going to continue staying in your home. they need to have respect for you and your home and shouldn't be let to run all over you or leave things for you to clean up. go on strike and refuse to clean the messes they make. just stand your ground and be strong. good luck and keep us posted. God bless
2 people like this
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Thank you asgtswife04 for your input. I done went ahead and cleaned the kitchen myself. I couldn't leave my kitchen that way, for so many reasons. As soon as I finished, took a pain killer, and went laid down, is when she returned. I haven't been able to talk in two days, cause the infection in my mouth has the whole right side of my face swollen, and the pain killers are knocking me out. Hubby says I should write a note, but it wouldn't be as affective. Thanks for the blessings, it's greatly appreciated.
@BYOLA2871 (4371)
• South Africa
17 Mar 08
i am happy you said the person in question is your son and his wife,so it makes it easier for you to call him and sit him down and talk to hiom from your heart,you are not being mean or petty ,you had an agreement to accomodate them for a period now you are becoming a babysitter idont think that is fair just let him tell you what is going on,and the issue about the kitchen God knows i cany\t stand a dirty kitchen ,i think its time the guy takes his family out they are not doing you any favour by staying but inconveniencing you leave the wife out of it the husband should handle her if he feels uncomfortablke with her attitude,but talk to your son and let him know how you feel
@BYOLA2871 (4371)
• South Africa
18 Mar 08
you are welcome i hope things are getting better now,just find a way to talk to him lest you get totally bottled up say the wrong things out of annoyance and frustration and that will make things worse,dont you think so?
1 person likes this
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
So very true. You are absolutely right. I don't mind tending to my grand daughter, but as some one previously stated in this discussion, I raised my kids. I think the whole kitchen incident was just my last straw. And an eye opener, that things as they are, is just going to get worse. thank you for your advice and input.
@JohnSteel (75)
• United States
15 Mar 08
You're not being petty. If it were me I'd say the two of you live here so the two of you can contribute to the household either by cooking, cleaning, etc. or finacially by paying rent. Or some combibnation of rent and work. You're very, very generous to let them stay there for free. If you do decide to do that then work out who contributes what and make up a contract. If you decide to ask for rent do some research and find out what the fair market value for renting is and ask for that. Maybe you could work out something where each one contrbutes half the rent and is responsible for specific jobs, and make seperate agreements with each one. This could protect your son from being taken advantage of by his wife, who from you post, looks like somebody who would dump all responsibility on him.
2 people like this
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Thank you for your input. You have some very valid points here. It's as me and my husband both said, we grew up in a different era, where such things as "cooking, cleaning, and helping" was doing out of common courtesy (If you lived with someoneone). I don't ask the kids for anything (meaning the aboved mentioned), I feel they should offer. So when I did ask Saturday and got the answer in which I did, I was a bit upset. If I asked for rent, then I think they could rent their own place. Which I think would be the best thing for them to do.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
16 Mar 08
Pur some water on the dried up things and allow to soak a bit.[of course after clearing it] Tell your son that you need his help because you are not feeling good and ask him to clean it up.
If you do not like to remove the used up things ask him to dump them in the garbage and keep them soaked in water.
You can do some but ask for his help in finishing the task. The work may have been his, but the relationship would be soured when you are staying in hte same house.
The third philosophical step is that you do not look at the kitchen [see without looking] , and go your way. It is within your mind not to get bugged if you want smooth relationship with your kitchen.Choose between your relationship with your son and a dirty kitchen.
You can show patience and get the work done from him or just stay away from the kitchen.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
16 Mar 08
This is only a suggestion and I understand that we would all be different. One thing that I have always realized is that kitchen is a point of controversy. I thought this is valid only for our country India, but now I gather that women are the same all over.
1 person likes this
@p3halliwel2005 (3156)
• Philippines
17 Mar 08
When my kids grow up I wouldn't mind them living with me at all but I will have the boys work and the girls to help out around the house. That attitude of your daughter in law is not nice at all. She is the wife so she need to help out since her husband already did the cooking. Sit them in one place and talk to them. Tell them if they want to live with you they should help out around the house since all of you are living in it. And being a couple they should help each other out. You should let her know that we the way she acted in front of you. Let them know their responsibility around the house and with their partner. You have a voice in this let them know.
@kat_princess (1470)
• Philippines
18 Mar 08
Nothing is wrong with that.They live with you and they should help in cleaning and other household chores.You might as well let them leave.After all,they have a family now and they couldn't stay depending on you all the time.
1 person likes this
@enchantedleppard (1541)
• United States
22 Mar 08
Oh my gosh Chey, that really really bothers me. No you are not being petty at all. Enough is enough after a while. I know they are your family but to do things like that and leave it to you to clean, its only going to get worse once they see that you will pick up the slack and do it. I would leave it to her to clean when she gets back and I would tell her what needed to be done. If they are going to live with you, they need to pick it up a little bit. I know they are family but they're also adults who are responsible.. or should be.
1 person likes this
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
22 Mar 08
It bothers me too enchanted. To the point I have lost a small degree of respect for the girl, which I know is wrong of me. I had done cleaned the kitchen by the time she got back, which in turned truly upsetted my husband. He is tired of seeing them walk all over me, but we keep in mind, that they are only still here cause of the granddaughter.
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
16 Mar 08
You aren't being petty, she is!
Lets see... you're sick. Your son cooked dinner. And unless something is missing, she did NOTHING! What the!? /temple rub.
You were in the right to stand up like that. However, there is another issue that needs to be handled (the kitchen). If it's really bugging you, then cleaning it'll will have to happen. You could wait till she gets back until she gets back, but it seems like she won't do a thing either way (that should say A LOT, it does to me). You could also declare free-for-all (meaning you handle your own cooking and space, they handle theirs). In this case, at least you aren't reduced to being their maid, and you may also observe how she reacts to the situation (will she submit, will she fight/argue... you may see or hear something very telling about her).
Then again, I could be too stern in this matter Chey. Either way, I hope you feel better and hopefully a decent solution will present itself.
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
29 Mar 08
I wonder how they took it Chey.
I'll understand if you want to keep it to yourself though.
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Thank you very much for your response. Seems you think a lot like me. I did clean the kitchen myself, I just couldn't leave it that way. It's my nature, if I ask, I will only ask once. Her not doing it when I asked, told me she wasn't gonna do it. It did put a whole new light on things for me, concerning her.
When I cook, I cook for the whole family. But I do like your opinion on it. It might open their eyes, that I have reached my final straw.
Thanks for everything!
@cortney09 (1345)
• United States
17 Mar 08
I also don't think that your being petty. It's your house, therefor it's your rules. I would make her but clean it when she gets back. I don't mean to be rude, she seems like she is not only being rude, but being completely disrespectful to you. I mean just because she doesn't feel like doing something doesn't mean that she shouldn't do it. I mean who else does she think should do it? I hope things get better for you. I do think you should stand your ground with this one though.
1 person likes this
@BYOLA2871 (4371)
• South Africa
18 Mar 08
hey cortney09 i seriously agree with you ,you dont have to feel like doing what is right to do it ,you just have to do it.can you imagine that she could not cook,the poor guy cooked and all she could show as appreciation is not to feel like washing the dish,i really dont have that kind of patience when it comes to getting my kitchen dirty even though am a man,if she doesnt feel like it let her move to an hotel where every cleaning is done for her ,or what do you think?she has actually abused the mother -in-law by making her a nanny even when she was not ok,
1 person likes this
@cortney09 (1345)
• United States
19 Mar 08
I just can't believe why she would do that. It sounds to me like she needs a reality check. I mean who would wash the dishes if they were in their own place? Who ended up doing the kitchen cleaning? You or her?
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Wow! You are absolutely correct. There is a big difference between, "feel like doing something, and actually should do something". However at the time, I wasn't even thinkin' that way. I guess I was a bit stunned (which I probably shouldn't have been) by her response. Thank you!
@sidonna (64)
• Jamaica
17 Mar 08
that's why your teeth is hurting because your biting to many bullets. see it even caused an abscess. (lol)
anyway, this is what you do you've been nice and i'm pretty sure you allowed alot of other things get away without saying a thing. tell her and her husband which is your son straight up how you feel. don't beat around no bush either.
let her know you have overed stayed. you can't and you won't except a nasty kitchen, or a lazy person either clean up your mess, or go west. your not accepting it.
i bet you won't have anymore problems. they might also leave, or the whole house will all of a sudden get quiet
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
*LOL* Thank you a million, I truly needed that laugh today. And I am sure you are absolutely right about it.
Yes, for the most part, I am a laid back person and go with the flow. I guess it is all now coming to a head. Maybe cause I haven't been feeling good, or the stress, or even the extra added burden. I am not sure.
I always told my husband their is two things I absolutly can't do, "stupid, and lazy". Seems my patience is tried in both categories.
I plan on having a chat with them, as soon as I can talk, without me screeching in pain, or sputtering my words.
@sweetaspie52 (2359)
• United States
17 Mar 08
I understand you completely and yes I would leave it for her to clean,but again I would probably be the one cleaning because I hate a dirty kitchen.no your not just being petty you have opened your home up to them and that was very generious for you to do.I would more than likely tell her to go some where else to flop.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
17 Mar 08
your not being petty at all. you have every right to be upset. i know it must be so hard because it is your son. i know how you feel about the kitchen being dirty that is one room i can't stand dirty. by the sounds this girl really needs to grow up. how would your son take it if you sat him down and had a heart to heart. would he understand and try to help out more or would he get mad? if things don't change your gonna have to tell them to get out or make them grow up. i say that is what i would do but i have no idea my kids are 7,3,and 1 so my kids are supposed to act like that. i really wouldn't bit it and keep doing this its really gona wear you out or you may just get really fed up with it and flip out and that might really hurt the relationship with your son. good luck i hope it all works out soon.
1 person likes this
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Thank you aretha for your input. It's greatly appreciated. Yes, the kitchen is the one room in my house I have no tolerance for it being dirty. Too many diseases, bacterial growth, etc. can come from a dirty kitchen. Yes, I think my son would understand if I talked to him, for we have talked many of times about his wife. Although his wife is a touchy subject for the way she was raised we both know she doesn't know better, but I have tried and tried to be patient with her (so has he). As my girl friend stated, she should be learning by example if nothing else.
Thank you for the blessings.
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
16 Mar 08
I am very easy with my family when they stay with me but it sounds as though yours has worn out their welcome. What I used to do was tell my kids what was on my mind and tell them to take care of it or I would tell their friends. I'm not sure I would do that now but I might to get my point across before bumping heads. First of all, I WOULD NOT clean up the kitchen and let them see that it is THEIR responsibility to clean up after themselves. Then I would explain to them again that your agreement with them was that they were to be out by March 1st, not when they felt like it. I would also explain to them that you aren't feeling well since you are taking care of their child, that you raised your child(ren) and it is time for them to raise theirs in their own place. It is difficult to do the "tough love" type of thing, but that is what you need to do. Tell them it is time to go-------get tough for your own health and sanity.
1 person likes this
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Funny you mentioned the 'tough love' thing. I always believed I was capable of doing just that. Unfortunately it's not the case, for my grand daughter is involved here, and I just can't seem to bring myself to do the 'tough love' thing knowing that. I think she needs stability in her life even if she is only a baby, and doesn't realize what's going on. I won't/can't take that away from her. But you are absolutely right, I did raise my kids, and her parents should raise her.
@Mamagee (392)
• Malaysia
17 Mar 08
I think you should tell your son to talk to his wife about her responsibility as a wife. Even though she is a working wife, it dosen't mean that she should forget all her responsibility at home. she should know how to respect other people especislly her moher-in-law.
1 person likes this
@idaantipolo (472)
• Philippines
16 Mar 08
You should talk with your son and his wife about how you feel on "petty" issues like this, because if you don't,"petty" issues would get bigger. And besides, they are living in your house, they should learn how to be more learn how to cooperate.
1 person likes this
@keyers (159)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Stand up for yourself and your home.You didn't put them in the position to need to live with you and they had the baby it should be there responsibility to raise the baby.Good luck though my older sister moved back in with my mom it was only supposed to be for a few months 10 years and 2 kids later she finally moved out.
1 person likes this
