I'll Never Be Over You

By Leca
@lecanis (16664)
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
March 15, 2008 3:45pm CST
A few days ago my husband ran into a woman that was my best friend for many years and my lover for a couple of years, and came home talking about her. It was odd for me: I still refer to her as my best friend sometimes, like I've forgotten that she really isn't anymore, and honestly I hadn't spoken to her in a long time. When my husband was talking about her, I said to him, "I'm done with her, I'm over her." Foolish me. This afternoon when I was at the store getting prescriptions, I ran into her myself. I was wandering around waiting because the pharmacy was closed for lunch, and I saw her in a craft aisle looking at ribbons. I went to say hello, expecting to be brushed off and move on quickly. To my surprise, she didn't brush me off, and we stood there talking for a few minutes, about my son's health and the baby blanket she was making for her sister-in-law's shower and whatever random stuff came up. I didn't know where to stand, as if I were either too close to or too far away from her. I didn't know where to look, as if I might be staring creepily at her or being rude by not making enough eye contact. I didn't know what to do with my hands, because I wanted to hug her or touch her hair (which she's grown out again I notice). I didn't know what to do in general, and we almost argued when I said "I'll give you a call sometime" and she thought I said "You should give me a call sometime" which are too very different things because one thing we always argue over is how I'm not good with calling anyone. I corrected her on what I said, but then I lamely punched her in the arm and walked away waving without looking back, and I wondered if the tears in my eyes were because we'd been discussing my worry over my son or because of her. Is there someone you'll never get over? How do you deal with running into them?
12 people like this
28 responses
• Philippines
16 Mar 08
Uh... lecanis, I am having a little confusion with your story. You said that your husband ran into this woman, since you said you have a husband I'm assuming your the female. Yet, you said that this lover is a female! I am getting really confuse... unless of course your a bi? There's nothing wrong with being one, I just want some clarifications to make sense out of your story.
4 people like this
@ratyz5 (7829)
• Philippines
16 Mar 08
Confused me too
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
Heh, I guess I spent too much time with other bi people to realize that it's confusing to some people!
3 people like this
@ratyz5 (7829)
• Philippines
16 Mar 08
Now I could always consider that orientation when it comes to narrations with relationship as its theme
2 people like this
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
16 Mar 08
... ...Yes... there is someone. In fact the first one. What do you expect? First one really spent time with me, actually liked me for me and it felt great. The others... I'm not in the mood. It would be interesting to run into that person again. Would I talk her head off (sort of like I do here on mylot), or would it be complete silence (for obvious reasons).
2 people like this
• United States
17 Mar 08
Sounds to me like you have unresolved feelings for this person, which is normal when a relationship breaks up often for reasons that are not totally accepted by both people, societal norms, parents disagree with the relationship, feeling like you are doing something wrong, etc. If you can get in touch with what is really going on with your feelings perhaps you can resolve them and then decide if you can be friends with this woman. Sounds like there is still like and respect on both ends of the relationship. A word of caution, did you break up because you felt you had to or did you break up because you really wanted to...That is probably pivotal in your feelings for her.
2 people like this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
19 Mar 08
Definitely unresolved, since we never actually broke up exactly, just stopped seeing each other. There was never a point where we talked about it or decided we weren't together anymore. It'd be nice to talk to her about that sometime, but the likelihood of it right now is pretty low.
@Ravenladyj (22936)
• United States
16 Mar 08
For the most part I get over ppl very easily especially if the parting was a rough one...but there are some that the parting just was if that makes sense and I think about them, miss them, wonder how they are doing etc but even then I dont think I've ever experienced what you just described (being emotional like that)....i think I am just really skilled at turning off my emotions which of course can be a major downfall in life LOL
2 people like this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
Heh, it can be a major downfall, but also very nice sometimes. I can't turn my emotions off without turning into a complete monster, it seems. I went around like that for a while when I was younger, feeling nothing and caring about nothing, and I can't seem to find anything in-between that and being the over-emotional person I am now. On this one, I can't seem to find the balance.
1 person likes this
@filmbuff (2909)
• United States
16 Mar 08
I have to have a 'lover' that I never got over. Time seems to heal most if not all wounds. I may think of them fondly, or not so fondly but for me it's out of sight, out of mind. Which is probably a good thing. Now I never did over get over my father dying when I was young. I still miss him, and just don't know how to deal with those feelings. I probably never will.
1 person likes this
@tessah (6621)
• United States
16 Mar 08
bad outlook? most people when they loose someone gain a better perspective, take less things for granted. how has the loss of yer dad affected you badly? if this is too personal and you dont wanna talk about it, you can feel to tell me to mind my own business and to stfu =o)
2 people like this
@filmbuff (2909)
• United States
17 Mar 08
I will respond to your question, just can't right now. (don't have the time or the energy)
1 person likes this
@skinnychick (6906)
• United States
16 Mar 08
I would just hold my head up high and not show any tears. Then go home and cry it out probably seeing as I cry about everything. I haven't been in the situation lately though because I get over someone pretty fast. I figure that if it didn't work out then it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I'm harsh when it comes to that. I can't usually dwell on things that are over.
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
Heh, it's great that you can be like that! I have a really hard time moving on once I've fallen in love. I don't say that lightly: I've loved a lot of people, but there are three people I'll say I've been "in love" with, and this woman is one of them.
• United States
16 Mar 08
Here's where I fall short. I have only been "in love" once and it is still going on. I now realize the past relationships were not at all what it should be about. That's how I found my way of dealing with the past. If this one falls apart, I'm not sure that I could ever get over it- in fact I probably could not. Maybe by then you will have some advice for me? Though I don't want to have to ask you for it! Hang in there hun!
2 people like this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
I hope with my whole heart that you never ask me for that advice, skinnychick dear. You deserve to be happy.
1 person likes this
@kiobug (2250)
• United States
19 Mar 08
i think thats very funny that you of all people actually felt awkward and looked like a big dork. not in a mean way its just different. hmph. i think that people from your past, when you run into them you tend to reminisce about mostly good times and more wish that you still shared that happiness with each other rather then growing apart and leading two different lives. i think its hard to move on from people who you spent a significant amount of time with and if enough time has passed petty things bleed through the years and you dont really remember them or the feelings as strongly as before. like an annoying coworker five years from now could slip your mind rather then five days after you leave your job and a reaction of omg get away. when i see people that i feel took up a lot of my time and a put a lot of effort into i do tend to think about it a lot. sometimes for a couple of days. i dont think you were wrong to cry either. i think your reaction was fine. i try to avoid saying hi to people. unless they say hi first. because i am very awkward.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
19 Mar 08
I know, it's hard to imagine me acting like that, isn't it??? You have a good point. It's easier to think about the good things later on than the bad ones. If I actually sat down and ran through the last part of my relationship with her especially, it was pretty bad, but it's the happy parts that come to mind first when I see her. Especially since she grew her hair long again, and it just made me feel like no time had passed!
@kiobug (2250)
• United States
19 Mar 08
i know and then dont you just feel like reconciling with them regardless of your mind half hazardly telling you you know how its going to end?
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
20 Mar 08
Yup, it's always tempting to try! Right now my fingers are itching to pick up the phone and call her, but I'm waiting at least a week or two, because I want to have a clearer mind and be able to make it a friendly call and not a whiny "Please take me back!" call.
• United States
16 Mar 08
I actually don't have any exes so I don't have that problem. But I do wonder about my fiance, though. What he really thinks of his exes and whatnot.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
17 Mar 08
That's an interesting question! My husband talks to one of his exes online all the time, and that was an interesting thing for me to get used to. Thankfully, we've done a lot of talking about that sort of thing, and I'm pretty sure he's been honest with his feelings, as I have.
• United States
17 Mar 08
I think the problem I have with it is that I'm not the kind of person who lets things go. When we first met, I guess he was still getting over his recent ex. We first met by talking online and at one point, we were exchanging more recent pictures and his was with his ex and he almost couldn't stop talking about how pretty she was and things like that. Albeit, we hadn't met in person yet, but it stuck with me really bad. It didn't help that when we got engaged, his mother basically asked why he wasn't marrying said ex instead, whom he hadn't spoken to in almost 2 years. That sort of brought it all back up. Also, he's really not the brightest bulb and early in the relationship, he ran into one of his old friends from high school and basically got duped into going on a date and then going to her place after. Anyone with half a social sense knew what she was doing, but he was completely surprised when she jumped in his lap and tried to make-out with him. He says he threw her off immediately and left. But when we bumped into her a few months later, he didn't introduce me, or even acknowledge me. He just kinda stood there staring at the floor until she left. That really, really hurt and still does. So that's the problem I have with it and because of it, I don't think I could handle it if he kept in touch with any of his exes.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
19 Mar 08
Considering the background you've given me here, I could see why it would bother you! My husband's ex that he talks to online is married to someone else now, and he hasn't seen her in a long time, since before we got together. So them talking online is no big deal, but there isn't any reason for me to think it would be. Considering your fiance's behavior, as well as his family's, no wonder it bugs you!
@tessah (6621)
• United States
16 Mar 08
theres only one person that i still can honestly say i still love them. guess theres always one for everyone.. ive run into him a few times here and there, and its always put my heart into my throat, made me stammer my words a little. that same shifting of the feet, not knowing what to do with my hands, or how much is expressed in my eyes if i look directly into his. wanting to bolt and run, and wanting to not leave at all, all mixed up jumbled emotions. im happily married. love my husband all consumingly. but this one, itll remain for all time. sad thing is, hes aware of how i feel, hes stated he feels the same, but we're both aware that we arent right for each other. different lives, different wants, different, everything.. so we both stand there, and shuffle a bit, and stutter a little, and walk away with clouded eyes. how do i deal? i go home and babble incoherantly about it to my husband, and he listens and pets and coddles me, and understands.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
That's pretty much what I did, come home and babble at my husband. And make a post at mylot, just because that's one of the ways I vent. I'll probably have a nice session with my therapist over this one too soon.
@tessah (6621)
• United States
16 Mar 08
nice to have a partner that you can talk to about such things, and they dont get all jealous or stupid and insecure huh? has yer ex followed up and called you ? are you going to cave and call her ?
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
I'm going to eventually call her, but I don't know how long I'm going to wait. *shrugs* I'm definitely not going to call her anytime in the next few days.
@Stiletto (4584)
16 Mar 08
I used to feel like that about someone although I haven't seen him for about three years so I don't know how I would handle it now. I rarely think about him these days so hopefully it would be better than the last time I met him which was fairly similar to the way you described your meeting with your friend. Actually it was a relatively short relationship that happened almost 20 years ago now but I think a big part of the problem was that it ended with a lot of things left unsaid, in fact there was no definite ending when I really think about it! Unfortunately our paths kept crossing, sometimes with as long as a couple of years in between and we were both always involved with other people at the time but every meeting always left me unsettled and feeling pretty much the same as you describe. Anyway to directly answer your questions I'm not sure if I'm over him - hopefully I am but I guess I won't know until the next time I meet him (assuming I do meet him again). As for how I dealt with running into him I suppose the truthful answer is badly - I behaved like a socially awkward 16 year old and then went home and tearfully ate ice cream lol.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
The "no definite ending" comment you made here completely rang a bell with me! This woman I saw today and I never really officially broke it off or had any kind of discussion about not seeing each other... we just lost contact because of things going on in our own lives, and one day we saw each other and it was just apparent we weren't together anymore. It was so unfinished altogether. It's amazing how someone could still affect you after almost 20 years!
1 person likes this
@Stiletto (4584)
16 Mar 08
The thing is I'm not a particularly sentimental or romantic person and usually have no problem removing someone from my mind - to the point of being pretty ruthless about it actually (which is something I'm often accused of being!). It's the lack of a definite ending that's done it I think.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
Heh, sometimes I wish I can be less sentimental, but the only way I know how to not be is completely shut down emotionally, and how I behave when I do that is not a pretty sight. It must be nice to have that kind of control!
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
16 Mar 08
There is one person I'll never get over, and I can relate to how fidgety you felt when you saw your former lover. I was the same way last summer with this man. I tried to get over him, and then got to the point where I had to work at convincing myself that it's okay to not be over him fully. He was not in my life for a very long time, but his effect on my life was astonishing. The personal growth I experienced because of him was amazing, and I will forever be grateful for that. I have since told him a bit about that, and I know it makes him somewhat uncomfortable, but that's not my problem. :P I can't really say how I'm dealing with running into him now, because the dynamics have changed yet again, as neither of us are involved with other people right now, and some aspects of our previous relationship are continuing. I still tell myself that I'll never be over him, and that it's okay. Because I wouldn't be the person I am right this moment if it weren't for some of the experiences I had with him, and I really like the person I am right now.
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
You have a great point about not being the person you are without those experiences. Thanks for sharing your outlook here, I really enjoyed it! So positive.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
17 Mar 08
I only wish I could offer you some advice on how to deal with the here and now. However, seeing as I'm still in the middle of those feelings as well, I can't really help.
1 person likes this
@jeanniemay (1803)
• Philippines
16 Mar 08
Creative creations! - It was from a bi friend.
Anyway, there is nothing wrong. I had the same kind of relationship. We don't get to talk like before now. I wonder what happened. She got into another relationship besides me. I just let her go but it was a painful situation. Well, life sometimes graces us with blessings and makes us feel the pain for us to realize that maybe, there are good things ahead of it. I am not sure if I'm over it now but I just hope that we will both lead our lives as we desire.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
What a positive, upbeat way to look at it! Thanks so much for that refreshing view!
• Philippines
16 Mar 08
My pleasure. I'm glad to know and hear from good friends whom I share the same sentiments. See you around! JNY
1 person likes this
@ratyz5 (7829)
• Philippines
16 Mar 08
Whenever, which is a rarity, I come across those that I find hard to forget since I have already gotten fond of them, I'd always be the person who they last knew me of. I was silly and stupid while making straight faces that even made me more silly and stupid. For others, I was quite serious on the outside but, gave funny remarks on things that we talk about or discuss. I know that I haven't gotten over them but, its like my defense mechanism when encountering such situations which are obviously awkward for both of us. Always keeping everything to myself by the end of the day.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
I can understand acting that way to defend yourself. It's funny the things we'll do to conceal our true feelings, when we know there's nothing to gain by letting them show.
1 person likes this
@ratyz5 (7829)
• Philippines
16 Mar 08
I've even wondered if I am just one of those manga characters with this kind of personality.. that someone out there, I'd meet blah blah and more blah.. and end up with them with renewed perspectives when it comes to such situations.. Then again, those mostly occur on school-life and I am no longer in school-life anymore
1 person likes this
• India
18 Mar 08
well no, I have not and I sure hope that I don’t. I can imagine the feeling and you have only described it so well. I have had crushes on many guys before I met my husband and now we are happily married for almost 11yrs but even then I dread the fact that if I ever meet so and so, how would I react! I think you were very bold to have actually gone up and spoken to her, I would have instead avoided the meeting.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
19 Mar 08
If she were just "my ex-girlfriend", I probably wouldn't have spoken to her, but we were best friends for years. I miss that friendship, so I couldn't really miss a chance to talk to her.
• Philippines
18 Mar 08
I admit,I'm still getting disturbed by my first love whenever I encounter him.We're still friends but I can't help but go back to our past times.I have a boyfriend now and I try my best to resist the temptation of going back to him because it's not worth it and I have to move on with my life.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
19 Mar 08
At least I don't really have that temptation of going back, because it doesn't seem to be an option. Thanks for sharing!
@anniepa (27280)
• United States
17 Mar 08
Hon, I'm afraid all I can do here is offer my understanding and support because I've never been through anything like you described and I have no idea how I'd deal with it. I know it would be extremely awkward and heart wrenching to say the least. You probably never will really get over her but hopefully the tears will end after more time has passed. I think our memories of a past love are sometimes a bit different from the reality of it. We remember the good times in sadness but tend to block out whatever caused the relationship to end. You have your son now, who I know you love very much, so focus on him whenever you feel the pain of your former love. I hope that makes some sense. Annie
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
19 Mar 08
Thanks anyway, Annie. *hugs* You're very kind. Heh, focusing on my son is pretty much how I get through everything now!
@subha12 (18452)
• India
17 Mar 08
you are very cautious the way you handled it. i think i will never want to come acrioss the so called friend who chaeted me. but if i come across also, i also have o pretend that i have not seen him. i just can't stand him.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
17 Mar 08
She didn't cheat me, things just didn't work out well. I can't say our not being together now was entirely her fault, because there were problems with the situation on both sides. I would also avoid a friend who had intentionally caused me harm, though, yes.
@bond0077 (375)
17 Mar 08
i found an ex is an ex for a good reason,i am the worse one to ask this question to,i just run the other way wheni run into any of my exs and i unfortunately ran into 3 of my last exs in the yr 2007,and two wanted to get back with me overtly,following me around and stuff and one wanted to get back with me but wanted me to pursue her which was odd since i cought her cheating and kick her out,i am saying ex here because you two had a relationship here from what you said right?what happened in your relationship with her this might be y she acted this way!
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
17 Mar 08
Heh, I would run the other way if she hadn't been my best friend for years, I think. But I can't make myself completely give up that friendship, even if it isn't really there anymore. Yup, we had a relationship, for a couple of years. It ended strangely, as in we didn't even have a "break-up" we just saw less and less of each other until we never saw each other.
• United States
17 Mar 08
Yes, I hate to admit it but yes, there is someone I will never get over. But in no way comparable to the person you wrote about. The guy I will never be over is the one I now refer to as "someone I used to know." It is not him I miss. It is not him I cannot get over. It is how careless and mean and childish, and (I could sit here writing adjectives to describe his behavior to my children all day and still not come close to describing it, hateful) he was. I will never get over that he "raised" for lack of a better word, my sons for almost 5 years on and off and proclaimed to everyone who would listen about how much he loved them and that they were his world, then he willingly gave up everything. It has only been 4 months since the courts told him he had zero parental rights with regards to them but the hatred I have for the way he treated them and the things he has done to them is certainly something I will NEVER get over.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
17 Mar 08
Sorry to hear that you and your children dealt with such treatment! Grrr. I can understand how that would be hard to get over, someone not treating your kids properly!
@Aussies2007 (5339)
• Australia
16 Mar 08
If you have been close to a partner or a friend for more than two years... I don't think you can ever get over it... even if you hate them for what they did to you. From my personal experience... this is due to the fact that I mostly remember the good times and try to forget the bad times. I don't want to spend the rest of my life hating someone. It is very unhealthy from a mental point of view.
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
16 Mar 08
You have a point, after a certain amount of time there's really no completely ridding yourself of someone's influence on you. I certainly don't hate her, in fact I'd still say I'm in love with her. I can't imagine ever hating her, though there are things she did that hurt me.