Quote Needs Tweaking
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
United States
March 19, 2008 3:45pm CST
Hello all! :) I came up with a quote for a story I'm working on, and I think it needs a little tweaking, so I'm asking for your help with it! =)
In the story you wouldn't know who is talking, or what they are talking about--so no asking! =P I want the perfect quote for mysterious circumstances! =D Thanks!!
"Without us, you can never win. Without you, we'll never survive."
So anything that you would change about it to make it sound better, please let me know! Change words...anything! Thanks! =)
1 person likes this
4 responses
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
19 Mar 08
1. Without us, you can't win. Without you, we can't survive.
2. You can't win without us. We can't survive without you.
3. No winning without us. No surviving without you.
4. You need us to win. We need you to survive.
5. Your winning depends on us. Our survival depends on you.
Just suggestions.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
19 Mar 08
Wow Rozie, couldn't of said it any better nor come up with anything like that!
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
20 Mar 08
I liek those Rozie! Thank you! But I'm not sure number 3 would work...since you already don't know whats going on in the scene, I think that would just further baffle people. hehe! But I will defeniatly keep the others in mind! Like them
@writersedge (22563)
• United States
29 Mar 08
Without us, you'll never win. Without you, we'll never survive. us and we convert as well as you and you, but 'll on both makes them both future tense and both sentences equal, so to speak, as far as structure goes. But you can leave the original. Sounds interesting. Take care
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
29 Mar 08
Thank you writersedge! :) What do you think about this one someone came up with?
You can't win without us. We can't live without you
1 person likes this
@writersedge (22563)
• United States
8 Apr 08
The parallelism (spelling?) is there and technically it is the most correct way to write it. BUT, it's less dramatic. I like your dramatic flaire (spelling?) and it takes away from it some. I would go with parallel structure with the more dramatic. It may not be as technically accurate, but you will be using quotation marks because it's someone speaking anyway, right? You've got us all curious, now.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
9 Apr 08
Okay so you like my original quote the best?
"Without us, you can never win. Without you, we'll never survive."
You don't think it has to be all the way grammar accurate? yes it will have quotes around it, it is a character speaking =)
Thanks you for your input writers!!!
1 person likes this
@kamran12 (5526)
• Pakistan
9 Apr 08
Hello LilyofTheThorns!:-)
I am not very strong in writing but anyway here are some suggestions, I hope you don't laugh!:-):
1. You leave us...you lose. You keep us...we live!
2. We leave you...you lose. We keep you...we live!
3. We leave you...you lose. You leave us...we die!
4. You need us to win. We need you to survive!
5. Without us, you lose. Without you, we die
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
9 Apr 08
They aren't bad, the only problem is they can't really leave eachother, they'll pretty much stuck around eachother, it's just whether or not they choose to help eachother. But I wouldn't expect you to know that because I didn't tell you! =P lol. Thank you!
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10532)
• United States
19 Mar 08
"Without us, you can never win. Without you, we'll never survive."
"Without us, you will never win. Without you...we'll never survive..."
"You can't win without us! ...But without you, we would never survive!"
"If you leave us, you can never win. ...And if you leave us...we cannot survive..."
"You leave us, and you'll never win! We can't let you leave us! Because without you we'll never survive!"
"You'll never win without us [name]...and we'll never survive without you."
"Without us, your victory is impossible. Without you, our fate is sealed..."
"If you want to win this one, you need us! But if we want to survive...we need you..."
"You do this alone and you'll never make it. If we do this alone... we'll fall too."
"We can help you win, but you have to help us survive."
"You can't win without us, and we can't survive without you!"
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
20 Mar 08
I like smoe of those! Thank you! Some of them I know won't work...but only because I know what the story is about lol. But other than that they are all good quotes! Thank you =)
