young parents

trinity ann - This is my granddaughter she just turned 4 months old.she was born nov. 29th and she is my world.
@mnflower (1300)
United States
March 20, 2008 9:37pm CST
Hello recently my stepson and his girlfriend who is only 17 they had a baby in november.she run from her parents house for the welfare of the baby and I don't blame her, but here is my guestion, she seems to me to want to spend more time on the computer then she does with the baby, when the baby wakes she either stuffs a bottle in her mouth or the pacifier, she seems to not want to be bother to just lay there and hold and talk and play with her, now being as a grandmother and am trying to give hits it seems this chic isn't getting it..What would be a nice way to just tell her she needs to spend more time talking and playing with the baby instead of only wanting to feed her and let her sleep all the time, but yet she complains when she is awaken in the early morning when the baby is up all hours of the morning..Any subtle hints to nicely tell this young mother that she really needs to be more attentive?I am trying to make her welcome in my home and trying not to step on her parents rights..any help will be appreciated.
2 people like this
12 responses
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
21 Mar 08
i think this young mom needs to have be scolded by you since they are are your responsibilities now that they are in your care. may i ask what is your stepson's view about his wife's attitude? she must concentrate at least with her child if she is not working or studying. if she is not helping with the house chores, then she must be a fulltime mom to hr baby at least. right now, i am cuddling my 7 month old baby that's why i just type without considering what needs to be capitalize hehe i got pregnant when I was only 19 but I have to be mature enough because my mom is not with me, not even my mother-in-law.
2 people like this
@mnflower (1300)
• United States
21 Mar 08
My stepson is working in the daytime when this is happening and he has talked to her about it she is good one day then back to her computer, we tried to tell her and now my next step is to password the computer she is working for a couple days but I have 4 computers and she thinks she can just get on any one but have recently stopped that also...She is also starting online school come this coming wendsday and told her I would babysit when she does that but she has all day to do it so she still needs to remember trinity is her child and her responsibility...I have never nor can have children so having a baby in the house is all new to me to so making the best of it and keep in touch with my mother also for constant help if needed..thanks
1 person likes this
@chrysz (1603)
• Philippines
21 Mar 08
Wow, you're one good grandma indeed. I miss it a lot when we are in the province and my grandma would lend a hand in taking care of my baby. You're stepson's wife is lucky. I am also into distance learning and I chose that mode of learning for me to spend more time with my baby. I hope that young mom would realize that a mother's responsibility doesn't end by just delivering the child into this world.Rather, it is the start of being a mom. She must be advised or told what to do with her life, or else, her child might end up neglected.
2 people like this
@mnflower (1300)
• United States
22 Mar 08
we work with her all the time the thing is she needs to reminded daily of what to be done and her housecleaning and cooking skill are that of a 12 year olds so also trying to teach her how to cook and clean and believe me this is not a easy task but will take her under my wing and help and teach her what I can and what she will let me...
@34momma (13891)
• United States
21 Mar 08
i think the beating around the bush approach never really works. if you think there is something she should be doing now that she is a young new mom, then you need to tell her just that. don't sugar coat it. let her know straight out, honey i think you need to spend more time with your daughter. hold her when she cries, sing to her, talk to her while looking in her eyes. don't drop hints people never get those. just tell her the honest truth. you don't have to be nasty but you always have to be honest
@mnflower (1300)
• United States
22 Mar 08
i did some more talking to her today and it is like talking to the wall, we finally put passwords on all the computers and now she is only allowed on the computer when the baby is sleeping and doing her schoolwork other than that she has to ask to get on them.we tried being straight with her, but come monday when the weekend is over things are going to change like everyone says make sure she knows the mother and it is her responsibility.
1 person likes this
@34momma (13891)
• United States
22 Mar 08
good for you, let her know what her role is and do what she is suppose to do. good for you
@yhyuan85 (51)
• China
21 Mar 08
That is actually worrying,maybe she is too young to be a mother.I always think I am a child now.My aunt with the same situation like you,and she takes care of the little baby.I think you can tell your stepson what you think,perhaps it is helpful.
2 people like this
@tessah (6621)
• United States
22 Mar 08
kinda a little bit late to worry about if shes too young to be a mother or not.. she IS a mother, period. and needs to grow up and look after her child.
1 person likes this
• China
22 Mar 08
Yeah,you are right.Maybe she will find herself is a mother,and you can let her mother teach her how to look after the baby!
• United States
21 Mar 08
first of all let me say...trinity ann is beautiful....I have been here and i feel you....it's very hard,depending on the person you're trying to help understand,my daughter just got ugly with me and thought i was trying to "butt in"or mind her business,or trying to say she was a bad parent...so you have to be careful....but you also have to tell her....don't sit there day in and day out making yourself sick over it.That is what i did for so long....kept it all in for fear of her leaving and taking the babies away from me...which she did,after i let out my feelings.You only make yourself sick....my daughter had to find out the hard way,what i was trying to do in helping her.Now,she understands,and is doing well.If there is a support group there for young mothers,i think this would be great for her!My daughter got counseling and i couldn't belive the difference it made.Good Luck
• Philippines
21 Mar 08
Well, she's only 17, and at her age, we cannot expect her to take the responsibilities of being a parent that easily. It would take time...just guide her through it since she's staying there with you. I understand, though that it is kinda bothersome sometimes to see her attitude towards being a mother to your grandson.
2 people like this
@mnflower (1300)
• United States
22 Mar 08
she planned this child and when I try to say something she says she knows how to take care of her own child until the rest of the family gets on her about it then she listens so no it is not that she is too young it is she is just lazy and wants everyone to do it for her.
• Singapore
21 Mar 08
Come down hard on her... lock the internet connection... Or lock the computer with a password... it's her kid... if you can't take it any longer, let her know its time to be a mom... or she can leave the baby and get out of your house... it's what i would do if i were you... she gave birth to the baby, she better take care of her... no point you being nice to her when she isn't getting any of your hints... even if you tell her nicely, nothing will get through to her.
2 people like this
@mnflower (1300)
• United States
22 Mar 08
believe me my stepson has told her that more than once and she sits and pouts and then she is fine for one day but then right back to the way that it was.
@cmofi123 (344)
• United States
21 Mar 08
I'm not that young anymore, I'll be 25 soon. I have a child who will be 6 months. I feed my child, take care of him but I'm not the type of person that will give his bottle and hold it. I put something under the bottle so it can be hold, but I stay in the room with him (I'm probably fixing something or cleaning)When my baby was a newborn I didn't carry him or try to hold him in my arms or slept with him. Now that he is 6 months, I play with him, read books, I talk to him but I'm not the lovey dovey kind. My mom always calls my attention that I should caress him, hug him that when I put him to sleep to stroke his hair with my fingers. I always say no and my excuse his he will get use to it and he will never learn to sleep on his own. I guess what I'm trying to say is every mom is different, plus she is the one with the weight on her shoulder and probably doesn't know how to deal with it.
1 person likes this
• Australia
21 Mar 08
You should look into the risks of bottle propping. This is a very bad thing you do - you are depriving your child of necessary eye contact, non-verbal communication, and adding severely to the risks of recurrent ear infections from fluid flowing into the ear. You should NEVER prop bottles.
1 person likes this
@cmofi123 (344)
• United States
21 Mar 08
I made a research on propping bottles. This I didn't know, but it's akward because when I feed my baby on that kind of position (I saw the picture, upright position) he tends to choke. I have also seen that my mom grabs him to feed him and he starts crying, moving and gets irritated it. When I place him down on his crib I put a pillow under his head and he turns to the side then I place his bottle to the side and he drinks it. After he is done with his arm he takes it away. Plus I use the kind of bottles with upright position and bottles nipple unless he sucks liquid come out if he doesn't suck nothing comes out. I guess is what works best for the baby, but I will definitely (after reading this) be more careful. Thanks
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Mar 08
I totally agree with the whole lovey dovey talking, I have never done this to my child and she started speaking sooner and speaking to where strangers could understand her. Baby talk may seem cut ebut it is not helping them develop. Also to the person that said they need the eye contact....they are sleeping....their eyes are closed...i learned a long time ago to not be super quiet while the baby is sleeping and just go on with what you have to get done. Now my kid could sleep through anything and always has. I have also never slept with my kid. Occassionaly now i will if she begs but i think its good to make different sleeping space. I am sorry but for all those moms who take the baby to bed with them....that i find crazy. When she is sleeping is my time. just the way i feel about it.and hey maybe someday i would like to find a man to sleep with me.lol
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@Sarah187 (90)
21 Mar 08
Maybe try to spend time with her and the baby as a three, she may appreciate the fact you will be helping more than her own mum. Arrange a few days out to go to the park or a little playcentre, even if Trinity can't walk yet I'm sure she will love looking at other children playing!! Its hard not to get distracted tho by computers and friends etc... I personally am 23 with a 1yr old who keep me very much on my toes. As babies grow you have less time to yourself anyway because you have to permanantly be on watch. When baby gets to 6 months she will soon have to start putting the hard work in to start weaning her onto food. You don't want her slacking behind from a non intrested mother. Get your son to be more involved and to treat his girlfriend and baby as his family, he should hopefully be helping as and when he can. Hope you get it sorted, its an awful shame for a Pc to be more important that her baby girl.
1 person likes this
@mnflower (1300)
• United States
22 Mar 08
me and her and trinity do things all day but when i am doing things myself she hits the computer and trinity gets left to lay and play by herself or just laying there with a pacifier and it is not right..believe me we have taken all the different ways to help her more involved we even take them shopping with us let them go themselves while we babysit.my stepsons grandpa took them today to go for dinner and she complain cause grandpa bought clothes for trinity and she didn't get any so he ended up getting her clothes too.my so is very involved and at this point is thinking of going to social services and filing for full custody of her,cause he is afraid she might get pissed and take off with baby and him not know where she is...she likes to run away from any situation that doesn't suit her.
• United States
22 Mar 08
Not trying to give her reasons for what she is doing but has she seen the doctor about post portum depression? Some of the symptoms is distancing one self from the baby when this happens. I was a young mother too, had my son in my teen years as well. First i would say the father of the baby is he is your son? It may be taken better by her if the father of the child approaches her about this issue instead of someone else. Thats if shes on good terms with the father. If shes on the computer when the baby wakes up you could also try going and picking up the baby and than taking the baby to her. Tell her I was trying to help you out but the baby really wants you. In the end though if she doesn't get your subtle hints that you will need to say something to her straight out. Because when it comes down to it that baby really needs her. And if she gets mad at you than oh well let her, she'll get glad again.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Mar 08
This is going to be super hard. STOP HELPING HER! I was 19 when I had my daughter and because of complications my baby was ready for our new life before I was and during the first little while I relied heavily on my mother for help with the baby. However there is a certain point where you have to let her learn on her own, see if it works for a bit. If it doesnt speak with her alone. Explain that you only want to help her be the mother you know she can be, give her small tips then, say something like I noticed you get frustrated when the baby doesnt sleep at night....maybe if we had a play time where the baby is on a blanket on the floor with you and toys it will wear her out. Talk about it being good bonding time for her and the baby, also explain that maybe a calming bath before bed would help both of them. Most of all explain that you want her in your home and want for HER to be the best mother she can be. However I am now 23 and am raising my daughter by myself and I still dont have the hang of everything my title of a mother requires. It will take her time to pick it up too. I still cant keep a real clean house, work full time, go to school full time and take care of my daughter by myself. I have help watching her by my mother but only during times I am at school or work, otherwise I have to pay her extra to babysit if i want to go do fun things. My little sister comes over and helps me clean the house once a week (of course i pay her too) bottom line is she is young, it will take time, practice and some guidence. Sense she doesnt have her own mother to help her learn these things she needs someone to teach her. It sounds to me that you are willing to teach her, you just need to find a non-threatening way to go about it. Good luck to you and when she finally gets used to it im sure she will thank you for your help. I know I would have been lost without my own mother
• United States
22 Mar 08
ok when i said stop helping her i meant dont do everything for her. Help guide her to do better, leand her a hand when she is actually trying and you know she needs it, but dont do it for her....
@lishiwei (1553)
• China
22 Mar 08
Cangratulations!What a lovely baby! Yes,there is a problem is that the young parents always don't know or don't want to take care of their babies.No matter what you tell them,there is no use.So I think you should just keep silence and help her as much as possible.
@tessah (6621)
• United States
22 Mar 08
i dont think there is a gentle way of making this girl realize shes neglecting her baby. unfortunately, alot of people, young or old, arent really aware of what it takes to be a good parent. ive seen some 16 year olds be more attentive and loving and wonderful mothers, and some 35 year olds who will mix whiskey in with their babies formula so they dont wake up middle of the night and bother them. wisdom isnt necessarilly condusive with age in years. from the sounds of it, youve tried to gently nudge this girl into the right direction and shes ignoring you, so you may want to be more blunt in your approach.