What would make you turn your back on your child?
By kbourgerie
@kbourgerie (8780)
United States
March 25, 2008 4:03pm CST
I have a sister who for most of her life has lied, stolen, done drugs and will not get the help she needs. She is 46 years old, is on welfare and has children and grandchildren that have followed in her footsteps. She is not welcome in anyone's homes because her reputation proceeds her. My mother has tried time and time again to help her out of financial difficulties, just to have her hand bitten again. In fact, because of her efforts she has just had to refinance her home. My sister refuses to pay back any of the money she has borrowed and has sold those things that my mother has bought for her. She has stolen from my mothers purse, pawned her jewelery and used my mother at every opportunity. I think enough is enough, but I know how difficult it might be to turn your back on your own child, no matter what they've done. What would it finally take for you to turn your back on your child or would you continue to let her or him take advantage of you?
9 people like this
14 responses
@luv2cook4u (398)
• United States
25 Mar 08
I think there is a big difference between turning your back on your child and refusing to allow them to take advantage of you. Your mother needs to tell your sister that enough is enough. Rather, than enabling her by giving her money, she needs to help lead her to places that could help her. If your sister refuses the help at those places, that is her decision, but your mother should not be digging her out of financial messes. Your sister may decide to turn HER back on your mother, and yes, that will probably hurt your mother, but that is your sister's decision. Your mother can let her know that she will always be there to help her, truly help her, but will not enable her to continue a destructive lifestyle. The decision is then up to your sister as to when she is ready to face life as a grown up and take care of herself.
Having said all this, I do not think my kids could do anything for me to turn my back on them, but I would never allow them to take advantage of me either.
3 people like this
@luv2cook4u (398)
• United States
25 Mar 08
Right now. People will treat us as how we allow them to treat us. Your mom is letting her guilt make her feel as though she "owes" this to your sister. She needs to simply tell her flat out that she is sorry for the decisions she made in the past and that she loves your sister, but that until your sister takes responsibility for her actions and learns to stand on her own two feet, your mother will no longer help her out financially. She can once again offer to help find her a rehab (she should not actually research the rehabs until your sister agrees) now or whenever your sister is ready, and she can give advice regarding services available to your sister through the state or other agencies(job training, housing, etc). It may not get her off welfare, but these programs also tend to have requirements that she will need to follow in order to continue to get help. Eventually, your sister will need to learn to get it together or to accept the help that IS being offered (versus the help she wants and is currently getting). Worse case, she ends up so strung out, you or your mom petition the courts for power of attorney and then put her rehab against her will. The point is, the enabling needs to stop immediately or she will continue to take advantage of her. Enabling someone to continue on the destructive path they are on is not love, in this case, it is guilt. Truly helping someone, even if it means letting them fall, is love.
2 people like this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
25 Mar 08
My mother did try to find places for my sister to get the help she needed. She spent hours on the phone trying to locate a rehab, just for my sister to ignore her efforts. My mother feels guilty because when we were young she decided to let our dad have us. She didn't feel she was in a position to take care of us any longer. All these years she has tried to make up for that decision and my sister has done nothing but play on that. When does my mother stop paying for the mistakes of her past?
1 person likes this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
26 Mar 08
You have given some really sound advice and I would like to be able to forward this to my mother. Thanks very much.
1 person likes this
@kezabelle (2974)
•
25 Mar 08
I think it would take a lot for me to turn my back, id truely like to think id always be there for my children but i do think there comes a time when enough is enough but I do think parents take more stress,hassle,upset etc than say a sibling or an outsider would before they wash their hands of the situation.
Only your mum can say when enough is enough no one can make her make that choice it has to come from her but I honestly think everyone has their point where they simply give up.
3 people like this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
25 Mar 08
My mother has tried to help my sister in every aspect of her life just to be taken advantage of time and time again. She has finally reached her breaking point and wants my sister to prove herself before letting her back into her home and her life.
1 person likes this
@kezabelle (2974)
•
26 Mar 08
Thats a really good start i think, i hope it helps your sister to make the choices she needs to to get her life back on track, sadly sometimes theres just no helping some people no matter what you do or say they will continue on their path to self destruction, your mum is lucky to you have you though as its obvious you care about her I really hope your sister gets the help she needs to turn her life around
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
25 Mar 08
Turning your back on your child would be very HARD to do even in that situation, however, her daugher is 46 years of age and no doubt taking advantage of her mother every chance she gets. I might have bailed out a long time ago if I was in her situation, but then again, it's easy said than done.
3 people like this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
25 Mar 08
It is easier said than done and I feel for my mother, because I can't honestly say I'd wouldn't have a hard time turning my children away. But how long is she supposed to let her take advantage without finally putting her foot down?
3 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
25 Mar 08
I know I would of said "enough is enough" before refinancing my home.
2 people like this
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
Hi kbourgerie, I think there is a difference between loving your child and letting them take advantage of you. I know that I would never stop loving either of my children, but sometimes the best way to love them is to say no. Situations such as you describe can only really be understood by the people involved, so it would be very difficult for someone outside to give advise. I can understand that this must be very difficult for your mother and you. Your sister certainly needs help. Blessings.
2 people like this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
26 Mar 08
I agree it is a situation that is personal to us, but at the same time those of us that our mothers and parents sometimes have a hard time differentiating between our heart and our heads. I thought I'd pass along what the members on this site had to say to my mother. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@2btrueinu (700)
• Philippines
26 Mar 08
I think that is the hardest part to be a mother, puring all her love to her child, forgiving her over and over again not to mention that many time she given her a chance to change. That is hurting it's like she was stub more than a thousand time. But in all the hurting that she had now she still love your sister and giving her a chance to change, How? by teaching her to how to in her own, by stopping to help her and something for her in that case she will learn her lesson and she will be trying to change for better person. Yes she give shame to her family to the point that you want her to leave and not to show her face again. If my daughter do the same thing to as your sister do to your mother I will turn my back to her for her own good she need to learn old enough to learn.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
26 Mar 08
I am lucky in that as yet I have not had to face any of these situations, and when you have not been in a situation then it is very easy to say what you would or would not do. But if I was ever put in this position by my children, then I would hope that I could help them out of it. If it came to the point that they stole from me or pawned my things then I would hope that I am strong enough to put tough love on them and make them fend for themselves until they came to the point in their lives that they took responsibility for the way they were, I would not want to think that I would let them take advantage of me over and over again.
1 person likes this
@caramello (4377)
• Australia
26 Mar 08
This is a hard one as I have wondered whether or not I would do this as I know of some who have. We do get pushed to the limit as parents as I probably did as a child, but some limits need to be set and one needs to realise how far they will actually go. I have been pushed to a limit a few times but not ones that are too bad, an sometimes feel I am taken advantage of, but then I see another side of those doing it to me and look for the positive side and that does help. In this case what you have described the limit has been reached but it is easier said than done as to what one should do. Being strong is what is needed here but does not always come that easy, from what I have read the limit is way over the top.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
26 Mar 08
I would never turn my back on my Child but I would stop giving her things and money
I would have to be cruel to be kind
I have given my Children 21 and 23 money to help them to get food and that, they always offered to give it back but I will not take it, they are my Children and no way will I see them like that
They are now back on their Feet and that is all that counts for me
But your Sister is certainly using your Mum and that is not good at all
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
27 Mar 08
I have a son, if he started to steal from me pawning the little bit of stuff I have, or if he raised his hand to me, that would be it, he knows it.
He knows me,
He just about does anything else, calling me names and stuff he is 31 and lives with me,
but he knows the invisible line he cannot cross,
I am sick so he does help out with the cleaning and he buys all the groceries, but when he is mad he calls me names or anybody else, that is the way he is.
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
26 Mar 08
At 46 your sister is set in her ways. I had to do "tough love" on my girl when she was 17 and landed herself in jail for the first time. I did not bail her out, nor did I call her or visit her. When she called me, I made myself clear...I loved her very much but I would not condone or make her poor choices easy to get out from. Oh how she hated me. Ya it hurt but I stuck with it. She is 21 now and works hard...and is responsible and best of all...she is one of my best friends. As for your sister...hard to say if she could even change at this point...it wouldn't be easy. She'd need outside councelling , I imagine.
@Deea48 (1166)
• United States
26 Mar 08
I know what you are talking about Katherine. but I know for me, when I was drinking and not taking care of things. I would always call my mom with all my woes, well one day she just said. Do not call me any more, I do not want to see or hear from you again, until you get help. I knew she ment business. Well, I was mordified my mom would desert me. In the end however I did go get the help I needed. I put myself in out patient treament. that was the beginning of a much better and more sucessful life for me. So in my case it worked. I thanked my mom later, I am not sure if I would of gotten help then, if she had not showed me that tough love. So tell mom to stay strong, sometimes real love hurts alot. I shall say a prayer for healing in your family.
@tjades (3590)
• Jamaica
27 Mar 08
I am not a mother Kbourgerie but your post sparked my interest. I hope it wont be remiss of me to comment as an individual/child, not a mother.
If I was in your mothers shoes I would have maybe given up at this point as well. Knowing my mother she would not stop trying until there was nothing else she could do for me but there is a breaking point for all humanbeings. I think maybe it has reached that point with your sis and your mom where the principle of "every tub has to sit on its own bottom" is applicable.
Maybe when she comes to the full realisation that no one will be coming to her assistance anymore, your sis will pick up herself and make a change for the better. Time out punishment does work on adults as well as it does on children sometimes.
All the best to you and your mom. And God's guidance for your sister. (lol)
@abdul777 (1)
• Gambia
26 Mar 08
Well for someone like me to turn my back on my child won't be an easy thing. Though there could be some behavioral attitudes that can't just be tolerate. But they have to always be this form of advice to help complement the situations little much better...
1 person likes this
