I'm trying my hardest

United States
April 1, 2008 10:45pm CST
I am trying my hardest to be the best mom I can be. But... I feel I yell too much. Most of my day seems to be this way. To me it seems if I dont yell they dont listen to me. Time outs dont work at all, taking the toys away doesnt work at all, not taking them to the store when I need to go doesnt work either so yelling is what i resort to. I have no clue as to what I should do. I hate my yelling and I know that's most of the reason I am so stressed. I would hate to be at the other end looking up at somebody 3 feet taller than me screaming! There have been several times where I have yelled to much I went to the bathroom and cried myself. It doesnt seem to bother my children because they show no emotion but it's breaking me down. How do you moms and dads handle children that just wont listen or behave? I wish I could be the best mom but I'm just 1 step away..
3 people like this
8 responses
• United States
2 Apr 08
Well, on a positive not, you're not beating your children. I can definitely understand where you're coming from. My children give me a hard time sometimes, too. They're doing better lately, which helps, but it still gets tough sometimes. When it gets really bad, I try to remind myself that they are just kids and that yelling isn't going to do anything except give myself a headache and make my blood pressure go up. If time-outs don't work, try sending them to their room until they're ready to play nice. Eventually, they'll get tired of being in their rooms. That's how I deal with mine sometimes. Another way is to distract them by finding something fun for them to do. I hope this helps.
• United States
2 Apr 08
I've tried their rooms... downfall.. they love to be in there lol. But my youngest has a birthday coming up so with new toys maybe I'll be able to distract them a little bit better. I can honestly say I think that's the one thing I haven't tried... That's weird, I've tried almost every thing else under the sun.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Apr 08
I found that having them color me specific pictures works well. Having my oldest daughter write helps, too. Anything that can distract them really.
1 person likes this
@mom4kids (658)
• Canada
2 Apr 08
I have had a problem with yelling too. I don't yell as much as I used to. It drives me crazy if I do yell my husband tells me not to yell and I'm like, you haven't dealt with them all day! I found what really helped me is to write down a list of rules that we have. My 2 kids these apply to (the other 2 are little) are 4 and 5. Most of the rules were things that I thought they knew, things I'd be on their case for all the time, like hitting one another, or taking toys, or running in the house. After posting the rules I'd go through them with them a number of times a day. I told them if they broke a rule they would have one warning, if they did it again, time out. At first I would be giving them time out 3-5 times a day, now most days there is no time out. I rarely yell now and I find when I do, with my daughter mostly she doesn't respond to it and is hurt by it so I try my hardest not to do it.
• United States
2 Apr 08
I have that problem too. My husband looks at me and says "you need to stop yelling so much. Your wearing youself down! Calm down." I'm only 21, 22 in 2 weeks and i by the end of the day I feel like 40!! It's horriable. I should really try that as well, make a list of rules, put them on the wall and do a warning and after that it's time outs... I'll have to stick with it because my kids wont sit still for more then 30 seconds so i'll have to be on their tails about that one. Thanks
@gostop (21)
• China
2 Apr 08
I hate people yelling at me.
• United States
2 Apr 08
So do I. that's why I feel bad when I do. It does make me upset for me to yell at them.
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
3 Apr 08
my heart goes out to you. I wish I had some answers. i was a single mom and I always felt I yelled too much...didn't have enough time for them or enough money etc etc. I was always too much or not enough and never just right. it is so hard...really is. 3 of my girls are grown now and they are just awesome and we are very close....it all worked out. I am sure that if you love them enough, it will all work out for you too. just do your best...it is all you can do.
@Rachel322 (115)
• United States
2 Apr 08
It doesn't matter how you punish or reward your child if it's not consistent. People always say they've tried everything and that is part of the problem. You need to pick a punishment and a reward and stick with. Not for a few days, not for a few weeks, but try a few months. Children need time to adjust to things, they're not going to get it right away. With my son and the 2 girls I watch. Age 2 to 5. I find that a reward chart works well. Since they are small I keep it simple. I list the 5 most important things, like picking up their toys and if they do it they get to add a star to their chart. For each star they get a quarter and every 2 weeks they get to take their money and spend it on whatever they want.(This is also a good way to teach them about money.) As a punishment I take away the thing that is most important to them. (For my son it's his legos. You can figure it out just by watching your kids for a few days.) The duration it gets taken away for depends on the act. As for your husband telling you that your yelling to much,go away for the weekend and leave him with the kids. I'm sure he'll understand you alot better by the time you return. My father was a yeller and as a kid I absolutely hated it, but I didn't hate him. Children have the amazing gift of unconditional love.
2 Apr 08
You poor thing I can really sympathise. When my twins were a year old I seeme dto be shouting at them all day long. What I did was made a few changes to prevent them from doing the naughty things. Thye were always opening cupbiards and playing with things they shouldnt. I therefore made a room that they could use as a playroom and it wouldn't matter what they touched or played with. Obviously this is unlikely to work in your situation. However, a step before I made their playroom I took note of exactly what it was I was shouting at them for. I then foud a solution to stop them doing it by taking away the stimulus. Hopefully this may help a little. I find that the naughty corner works very well too. We carry it out exactly as Supernanny explains - a warning first then the corner for 2 minutes and then they apologise and we kiss and hug. I find that this gives me time to calm down as well as distracting them from what they were doing. I have never had trouble getting them to go into the corner or stay in there - it seems that when I ask them to do it they obey as they know I am serious. I also try to reason with them at their level. I crouch down so I am their height and explain to them why what they are doing is naughty. Although they are only two and a half they seem to understand - I obviously put it in terms that they can take on board. There are times when they just seem to be bickering and messing about. If this happens I either take them for a walk to wear them out or find an activity that they can do which is exciting for them and different such as a game they do not play often, some drawing or colouring, making cards, playing outside or even just jumping or skipping. Anything to distract them away from the naughty thing. If none of these things work it is normally because they are hungry or tired so then they can be fed or put to bed early. On the odd occasion I can find no explanation for it. Then if it gets really bad I will take away something they like, maybe not let them have dessert or something like that. You have to remember that they probably do not understand why you have rules and why they cannot just do whatever they like. You need to be as patient as you can with them. It is very hard to do this, I know. I have got upset myself with the children too and my handling of specific situations. One thing I find hard is that they cannot empathise. Even if I am crying they show no caring. Children are naturally selfish as they have to be to survive and we cannot expect them to tune into our emotions. I am lucky that my sons give me hugs and kisses but we are a very emotional family and do this to them all of the time so they do it back. You have to remember that being a Mum is the hardest job in the world. Every child is different, there is no rule book and parents have a learning curve to follow their whole lives. If you are trying your hardest then you are doing he best that you can and you obviously have lots and lots of love for your children or else you woudl not be getting so worried about shouting at them. Try to remember why you had them and reflect on their good behaviour and happy milestones that you have shared. This might help you to stay a little calmer and be firm rather than yelling. I do hope that you feel better soon - remember you are the best Mum your children have ever had.
@Samanthavv (1383)
• United States
2 Apr 08
I know how frustrating it is sometimes. It's hard to actually feel like you're a good mom, even if other people think you are. You always feel like there's more you could be doing for your children, more you could be giving them, but it's never enough. Try not to worry and just keep doing your best.
@dragon54u (31644)
• United States
2 Apr 08
I had this same problem!! I was at my wit's end. My mom told me to speak softly so they had to listen but that made it worse. It got better when I remembered that I didn't have much trouble with them when they were toddlers, the age when most parents complain. We spent a lot of time playing together and were very close, had great times together playing outside and learning about nature, building with legos, reading, etc. Have you tried spending more time playing with them? Let the house go, have take-out for dinner or something and sit down with them and play, or read to them. Let them help you cook. My mom used to have me stir the jello 100 times--kept me busy and made me feel important and close to her. I know how horrible you feel! You're not a bad person, you've just lost control. And please, talk with your kids, no matter what age they are, and tell them you don't like yelling and it hurts you to do it but you love them and are trying to teach them. Ask them what it would take to reach them. These things all worked with my kids.