Is it wrong of me to expect a "friend" to let me know if shes not gonna show up?
By saundyl
@saundyl (9783)
Canada
April 2, 2008 12:52am CST
Over the past few years a friend of mine who now i'm having a hard time considering a friend because she only contacts me when she wants something...if we make plans she stands me up and doesnt bother to call and say hey im not coming she just leaves me hanging.
On friday she called me and said she was sorry she wasnt a good friend the past few years she was aware that she didnt give to friendship she took and walked all over me. She also stated that she knew that last spring i didnt want to be her friend anymore and that she was sorry and she wants to be better friends again that we need to work on our relationship.
She said she'd come over tonight when she was in town around 6:30/7:00 so i made it home and had supper...at 7:30 she still hadnt called or shown up and was talking to my mom on msn and mom says oh shes not going to show up i said i didnt expect her to she never does (is this wrong of me to not believe her that shes going to?) so i texted her....are you still coming. it took her half an hour to respond with oh maybe tomorrow. is that ok?
i texted back and said guess so (really not even going to make an effort to be home ontime cause i doubt she'll make it) and the texted again about half hour later and asked if she would have bothered to let me know she wasnt coming or if she would have just let me sit and wait like a looser again if i hadnt texted her...she never bothered to respond....
maybe it was wrong of me to ask that but...she never lets me know and she needs to be called on it. I even told her at one point ive stopped worrying where she is cause shes usually out somewhere else and perfectly fine...and that it bugs me that i dont bother to worry cause ive had friends in accidents that if we hadnt known yep theyre reliable and show up we would have not gone looking for them. It bugged me most last year when a friend died in a quad accident.
I figure its just courtsey..common sense even to say hey dont wait around for me i'm not going to show up i'm fine.
Am i expecting too much?
8 people like this
25 responses
@chayruocs4 (102)
• United States
2 Apr 08
you are not expecting too much at all because if someone is your friend even if they're not and they say they're going to be somewhere they should come or atleast call ahead of time and tell you they're not coming. and i know where you're coming from because i've had this same experiance and it really sucks when your looking forward in doing something with someone and they don't show up or if you're suppose to pick them up and they wont answer their phone and its the last minute and you can't find someone else to do it, and you don't want to do it by yourself it just sucks
2 people like this
@madlees (1377)
• India
3 Apr 08
Dear Saundyl,
They (true friends) should also care for you. Otherwise they are no friends. If she stands you up everytime she says she is coming, what is the point in waiting for her. Just believe those who really care for you? here there is a saying just get married to a person who loves you and not to the person you love. That stands for the friendship also. Just be friends with the person who wants to be friends with you and thinks good about you. I have always try to do that and I have succeeded in that also.
1 person likes this
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
2 Apr 08
I'm actually at the point with this friend where i dont plan things with her that i really look forward to doing or that id be disappointed about missing out on. I've also stopped passing up doing things with other people "b/c she said she'd be over or we'd do something" I dont miss out on as much fun stuff lately with my sisters!
@chayruocs4 (102)
• United States
2 Apr 08
well good for you, and if i were you i would do the exact same thing we cant sit around and wait for people all the time. and if they were your real friend then they wouldn't do that
1 person likes this
@nimette (338)
• Philippines
5 Apr 08
if she's really a concerned friend she would contact you immediately because a good friend is considerate about her friend's feelings. i would be really upset if this kind of thing happens all the time. i would be tempted to do the same to her to make her realize that she's wrong.
2 people like this
@buttons101 (325)
• United States
2 Apr 08
To me she isnt a friend.. I wouldnt worry over it. Because a true friend wouldnt do that.. Your not the looser she is.
2 people like this
@madlees (1377)
• India
3 Apr 08
Yes, to me also, I would not consider her a true friend. If she is not worried about standing you up like that, then she is not a true friend at all. Either she should have called you to tell you that she couldn't turn up as planned as she was busy or something. or she should have texted you. So don't wait for her the next time. If she turns up let her wait. Serves her right.
1 person likes this
@kat_princess (1470)
• Philippines
4 Apr 08
Don't expect that she'll show up but at least she should tell you if she's going to or not and the reason behind it.
2 people like this
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
4 Apr 08
You certainly are not expecting too much and she is not much of a friend if she continues to disrespect you in that way. You need to let her go so you aren't being let down by her and feeling guiltly by it, or just don't make plans for the 2 of you to get together when you know she is not going to show up. I would be angry with her and it takes a lot for me get angry at someone else. It is common courtesy as well as respect and love for a friend to call and let you know that she is not going to show up. I think it is good that you have said something to her and I would not make any plans to be with her again since she has disappointed you so many times. She does not act like I would want a friend to act.
2 people like this
@nicholejade (2430)
• Canada
2 Apr 08
This girl is not a friend nor would I consider her one. I would just break my ties with her and that's it. Don't give in to this as shes a bad friend. Don't worry over her and don't waste your time. I know how you feel as I have been stood up tonight and feel awful calling other plans off. Mine is not really a close friend more a friend of a friend but said he would come through tonight and never did. I have no faith in this guy no more and I will never loan him a cent again. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way but this was the first time I loaned him money. Never again will I be nice. He messed it up for everyone else out there that I meet in the future.
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
16 Apr 08
If two people are going to ommit to meeting eachother, and one of them can show up, be it for a job interview, or a social engagement, the no-show should have the courtesy to contat her/his companion, so that s/he will know that plans have changed.
1 person likes this
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
16 Apr 08
I agree. I feel less valued as a friend when she doesnt bother to call and let me know shes not going to show up..like she thinks i have all the time in the world to wait.
Currently shes mad at me because i wouldnt cancel other plans to do something with her last friday (plans that have been made for months) Claims i never make time for her when i'm always the one waiting for her to show up.
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
3 Apr 08
How very inconsiderate I would not consider her to be much of a friend and I cerainly would not make arrangments to meet with her again. Apart from that she is very rude not even to have apologized. Obviously she does not think you are important enough to warrant an apology.
2 people like this
@teison2 (5921)
• Norway
3 Apr 08
Now you are not expecting too much at all. To me the most important thing in any relationship is respect. There can be lots of differences belween the two but there has got to be mutual respect. Your friend is not showing you any. I got happy when I read the part about her wanting to be a better friend and work on the relationship, but then she messed up again. You gave her an extra chance - 100s really. She does not deserve another right now. If you were to give her more chances she is indeed lucky as you are what a friend should be. Considerate and nice and respectful.
1 person likes this
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
3 Apr 08
Respect is important, i agree - in any kind of relationship.
I was happy when she called and said about wanting to work things out...so i gave her the chance - i told my mom about her call and the first thing my mom said was "i wonder what she wants" made me wonder if i've just turned a blind eye to other things about her or not.
1 person likes this
@babostwick (2036)
• United States
3 Apr 08
Not at all. That's normal and I'd feel the same way. If someone says they're going to show up, I would expect them to and if they can't, at least have the courtesy of letting me know ahead of time. That's what I believe anyway. What you did was normal and makes logical sense. Don't let it get to you so much on that.
2 people like this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
2 Apr 08
Oh my goodness do we share the same friend here, because I have one who is exactly the same!! I have known her for 6 years, we met when we became neighbours, she was same age had the same number of children and had so much in common that we just hit it off straight away. Over the years I have been there for her at every crisis and she has for me, until she moved and then it all went downhill. She would phone me and tell me that she was coming to see me, we would arrange a day and I would make sure that I had no plans, I would get so excited and get nice things in for us and then she would not show. Then I would not hear from her again for weeks, then she would do it again and again, my hubby would go mad everytime she let me down because he knew how much it meant to me to see her and he knew I had no one else. Eventually it got so that I would not tell my hubby when she said she was coming because I knew he would just say that she would not come or he would get cross when she did not show. I used to always worry that something had happened to her too and I texted her a couple of times to say you could have just told me that you were not coming. The last time I spoke to her on the phone, she said she would come to see me and I just said yeah ok then I will not hold my breath!! But the last two times she has come when she said she will, I think she realised from my attitude to her that I was fed up of the way she treated me, and I said to her if you cannot make it just phone me. I prefer that you let me know rather than let me sit there like a dummy waiting for you. No you are not expecting too much it is the decent thing to do when someone cannot make it, and it does not hurt to just say I cannot make it. I would rather phone and tell someone than risk losing a friend.
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
2 Apr 08
Me too, I do not want to lose her as a friend, but there is only so many times you hurt over it and then you just do not want to know anymore. I would never treat a friend so poor ever.
1 person likes this
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
2 Apr 08
Wow. I totally understand how it feels to have a friend like that. This friend i have i wont hold my breath for her to change her ways..honestly I've known her all our lives and in the last 5 years shes gotten worse not improved...
I stopped waiting for her once she showed up and got mad at me for changing our plans. and all i was doing was watching a movie with my sister...i was still home where i said id be!
I hate losing friends...and i hate being the one to be rude and not show up..i call when im going to be late.
@s2a2n2 (1732)
• India
2 Apr 08
may be some thing going on between you and her...i only guess.she might be feeling some insecured feeling and not wanting to meet or may be busy with other activities...hence, dont bother much and try to maintain friendship from distance and check if she still keeps the same way...
@crazeMD (195)
• Philippines
2 Apr 08
no. you've done your part and she should do hers too. you've got to talk to her about what she's doing and how it affects you and your friendship. maybe she's doing that again and again cause she feels that you'll always be there for her anyway. tell her you've got more important things to do than just wait for her. try not to give in to her every request. you've got your own life too.
2 people like this
@lucy02 (5016)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Oh I wouldn't be at home. Probably won't matter cause she probably won't be there anyway. I had a friend that use to do me that way. She moved out of state and then right before she would come back to the area she would call and tell me not to make any plans cause she wanted to spend all this time with me. I was understanding for awhile but then I would just tell her I already had other plans.
@Daffodil20 (1754)
• India
3 Apr 08
one of the reasons might be that she is really busy and because she trusts you and knows you are a good friend, she takes you for granted and doesn't feel its important to give time to you too. that happens when you have important things in mind, and for other jobs you rely on your friends. but in doing so, one musn't forget that friends are also people and that from time to time they need to be realised that they mean a lot to you. maybe she is just taking the friendship too lightly. you can have a talk with her and tell her that her attitude towards you seems to be quite selfish. a frank talk between friends often helps a great deal in solving misunderstandings. go for it, and yeah, take things lightly...if she is a real friend, she will realise her fault, and if she isn't, then you are much better off without such people who are just interested and extracting work from you in the name of friendship!
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
10 Apr 08
I'm sure shes busy some of the time but the times that hurt the most are the times i call to find out if shes actually coming or not and her dad or her boyfriend say oh no she went the bar with so and so they drink so theyre more fun. its like uh yeah thanks alot.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
3 Apr 08
yes it is simple common courtesy. Your friend maybe does not intend to be a jerk but that is just what she is being. there is no excuse for her. If she were my friend, I'd hold her to be more thoughtful or not bother calling me. I have rearranged my days for people like that and its not fair. She is being a lousy friend. show her this thread ....that s what you should do.
1 person likes this
@Cocoa33 (921)
• United States
3 Apr 08
the person you are dealing with is no good. she has not respect for you at all. i don't blame you at all for being mad. i have been in your shoes. the one thing i did that you didn't do. that is to cut all ties with that person. let that person know that he or she is wrong for doing that. if something come up unexpectedly that prevented them meeting from you. its common curtesy. u have a life and things to do. its not right for her to do that. you need to evaluate the kind of friends you are dealing with.
there are people out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve in a friendship. you have wasted enough time dealing with her. Let it go, and move on to something else better.
1 person likes this
@fifileigh (3615)
• United States
3 Apr 08
what kind of friend is that? dump her...she sounds like a convenience friend...only wants to hang out with you when she has nothing better to do or at her own convenience...she is not interested in you, but her own life, just lonely and probably no one like her. i would hang out with someone like that...i would ignore her and move on...find real friends...
p.s. your dog in your profile is cute...
@Ren1227 (104)
• United States
2 Apr 08
You are definitely not expecting too much and I also wouldn't consider her a friend. First of all, a friend wouldn't continue to stand you up. If plans are made to meet, they should be kept. Of course there are times where emergencies come up and it's understandable if someone can't make it. But in this situation, the person should make sure to call or text and let the other person know about the situation and that they won't be able to make it. Not letting you know and just having you wait would be an indication that this is not a true friend.
1 person likes this
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
2 Apr 08
its never for an emergency...usually (and this is the reason i dont go looking for her) shes out with her boyfriend instead or..at a bar or drinking with her dad...that sort of thing.
And to me thats the worst kind of thing to find out you were stood up for. I figure she doesnt think im fun to hang around with cause i dont drink.
